Will I always feel this way?
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 10
Will I always feel this way?
I have been separated from my husband for just a few weeks. We have separated in the past because of his drug use but this time it feels more definite due to me finding out about his affair with a girl from rehab. I've been doing a lot of reading trying to find ways to move forward and I continuously see that people advise to basically just focus on me and my kids so that is what I have been doing. But I have to be honest. It's hard. Every minute when I have a chance to actually sit and think, I can't help but feel so many different emotions. I go from upset to lonely, to undefeated to depressed etc... I keep envisioning what our life could have been if drugs never came into the picture but I know that is so stupid so I keep reminding myself that is a false reality. I would be lying if I told you there was no chance in hell we would or could work it out but we are so far gone that I know only God could restore our marriage. I am happy that he has been going to NA meetings twice a day according to his mother. He also has a sponsor. So it seems like he is on track but honestly he has done this so many times before, I just can't get my hopes up..And at this point I honestly don't think our marriage is a priority for him and I guess it shouldn't be anyway. Now it may sound messed up but I hate that he gets to pick up the pieces and move on with his life and even find someone new one day while I am alone raising or children with no help from a man that promise to be my partner for life. He would argue that it is me leaving him and he is right but what choice did I have? I could not continue to let him drag our family through the mud. I have my children to think about. I know I am making the right choice but it's hard when you love someone.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 117
It is so hard to pick up the pieces but each day you'll get stronger as we all are becoming. I don't know if they're able to have a relationship with someone else, as there was no intimacy in my relationship before it ended due to an active addict.
I think we all go through a lot of emotions, but tomorrow's a different day I'm one step closer to finding you and your kids. Take care of you hugs
I think we all go through a lot of emotions, but tomorrow's a different day I'm one step closer to finding you and your kids. Take care of you hugs
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Jersey girl, Welcome. I am so sorry for the things that you are going through. It hurts a lot, but that is totally normal. I wish we knew how to make the pain go away, but the only way out of it is through it.
It would be alot worse if you lived more of your life in insecurity. Even on your own, you can find happiness, I promise you. Your children will not be little forever...they grow up so quickly. Its so important that they live in a home where the parent/parents are happy. .where they can laugh, and have fun and go to sleep knowing mommy is happy and not sad.
my best thoughts to you. You will be ok. these emotions won't last forever, and with time, things work out. IF you want to be happy, you will be.
take care!
chic
It would be alot worse if you lived more of your life in insecurity. Even on your own, you can find happiness, I promise you. Your children will not be little forever...they grow up so quickly. Its so important that they live in a home where the parent/parents are happy. .where they can laugh, and have fun and go to sleep knowing mommy is happy and not sad.
my best thoughts to you. You will be ok. these emotions won't last forever, and with time, things work out. IF you want to be happy, you will be.
take care!
chic
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi JG, it takes a long time to get over a significant relationship, and apart from living your life as best you can, you can't hurry the process.
Are you aware of how you frame your self-talk? Try not to beat yourself up, but develop an image of yourself which shows you as you are: brave, responsible and an anchor for your children.
Who'd want to be him? An addict, a negative image for his children, a cheater. Superficially it may seem he's got the easy option, but you'll have the long-term rewards.
Are you aware of how you frame your self-talk? Try not to beat yourself up, but develop an image of yourself which shows you as you are: brave, responsible and an anchor for your children.
Who'd want to be him? An addict, a negative image for his children, a cheater. Superficially it may seem he's got the easy option, but you'll have the long-term rewards.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 32
I think what helps me the most is to think of a happier future, alone and without him. Every time my thoughts begin to dwell on the past good times, or the "false reality" as you say (how our life could have been if he wasn't intoxicated so often) I now begin to think about how I CAN feel in a future without him (calmer, without worrying, no worrying about where he is/what he is doing, doing things I love) and it helps me to get through the day. For now, there is a lot of pain and sadness, but to see this it as a tunnel I HAVE the pass through to get through to the other side where all the better life with the nice/easier feelings (sorry its so cliche but it works for me) Every day without going back is a day closer to the other side. That idea really helps me a lot, because what I worry about the most is that my life feels stagnant, that i will ALWAYS be this sad and hurting. But with a little bit of positivity, I think getting through the day gets better (after all, for most of these to get better, we just have to move ourselves through time - I sincerely believe in the healing effects of time). Don't get your hopes up about him, get your hopes up about YOU. Lots of love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 10
Wow, a lot of great feedback. I think it's about changing my frame of mind because all of these years have been dedicated to helping him and keeping our family together but you are all right in everything you have said. Time will heal things and I can be happy even without him. I know that is what my kids would want because I remember thinking how much I just wanted my parents to separate after hearing them do what seemed like nothing but argue everyday. My mom was happier without my dad around and I think my kids probably see it the same as well considering everything that is going on. Well, today is a new day and I guess I am still going through the tunnel Tartel! Thank you all for the support! It makes me feel like I can do this.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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1JerseyGirl...
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. But the good news is others have been in this same situation and have come out the other side in one piece...maybe a bit dinged up, but still intact. So you're not alone by a long shot.
I'd like to point something out that may or may not be obvious to you. There is a lot more to recovery than simply going to meetings. There are plenty of people in NA that show up, talk the talk, and go through the motions without actually doing any work on themselves. If your AH has started up something with another woman in the Fellowship while he's still married and children are in the picture, I believe it's safe to say he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing. He's only doing what he wants to do, and with addicts, that's often the case.
You didn't have a choice. You did what was necessary, and you did what was right. Unfortunately, doing the right thing may not be coterminous with what you want, and you're going to have to sit with a lot of nasty, yucky feelings in the days and weeks to come. It will suck, but it won't kill you.
Make sure you do enough things to take care of you in terms of self-care. And keep us posted.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. But the good news is others have been in this same situation and have come out the other side in one piece...maybe a bit dinged up, but still intact. So you're not alone by a long shot.
I'd like to point something out that may or may not be obvious to you. There is a lot more to recovery than simply going to meetings. There are plenty of people in NA that show up, talk the talk, and go through the motions without actually doing any work on themselves. If your AH has started up something with another woman in the Fellowship while he's still married and children are in the picture, I believe it's safe to say he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing. He's only doing what he wants to do, and with addicts, that's often the case.
He would argue that it is me leaving him and he is right but what choice did I have? I could not continue to let him drag our family through the mud. I have my children to think about. I know I am making the right choice but it's hard when you love someone.
Make sure you do enough things to take care of you in terms of self-care. And keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Hi JG,
I'm going through a similar situation. My AH is having an affair with a woman he met at NA, he was actually her sponsor. He lied for weeks saying he was sponsoring a man and when I found out, I kicked him out. We have two young children and we all deserve better. Its been almost 3 months and I'm slowly getting stronger. I'm in the process of divorce. One important thing I learned from this forum is thst even when the addict is in recovery, they still have those addictive personality traits. Its all about them and what makes them happy. There kids, wife, family are always on the back burner. I wish you hope and happiness. If you ever need to vent, send me a pm. We are all in the same club that no one wants to be in.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
I'm going through a similar situation. My AH is having an affair with a woman he met at NA, he was actually her sponsor. He lied for weeks saying he was sponsoring a man and when I found out, I kicked him out. We have two young children and we all deserve better. Its been almost 3 months and I'm slowly getting stronger. I'm in the process of divorce. One important thing I learned from this forum is thst even when the addict is in recovery, they still have those addictive personality traits. Its all about them and what makes them happy. There kids, wife, family are always on the back burner. I wish you hope and happiness. If you ever need to vent, send me a pm. We are all in the same club that no one wants to be in.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
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