selpats

I've never done this before, but I am really struggling to understand the actions of my, now ex, boyfriend who dumped me this weekend. We have been together for 2 years and were living together when he started using. Last October, he was arrested on 4 felony drug charges and 3 misdemeanors. We are college students at university, but after his arrest, his parents bailed him out, moved him home, got him a good lawyer and got him into a rehab. He is graduating his out patient (after 1 month of in patient) today, and I'm upset he doesn't want me there. I have been with him through his entire recovery, trying to support him and give him what he needs. Even after someone he owed money to broke into my apartment and robbed me. We were long distance because he had to move home with his parents, but my parents live close by so I would see him often. I was just visiting for a whole month during winter break and he acted like he was more in love with me than ever. He wasn't avoiding me or anything out of the ordinary. However, I had been back at school for exactly a week when he broke up with me out of no where, saying he couldn't do the long distance thing and he'd been thinking about it for a while. I just don't understand how he could have been considering this for a while, if I had no indication of it. I came home for the weekend to avoid being alone, and he refused to meet up with me and talk in person. I am now considering moving back home and finishing my degree online (for other reasons besides this), but he doesn't seem to care, even though he claimed he broke up with me because of long distance. He won't talk to me and I'm really having a hard time with this. I know he's probably doing it more for himself than because of me but I would really like some insight from people who understand his world.
Thanks :/

zoso77

selpats...

I see this is only your second post, so Welcome to the Board.

I don't know your boyfriend, but I think I can take a stab of what he may be thinking. Let's assume, for the sake of argument, he's committed to recovery.

The rubber hits the road once he's out of rehab and left to his own devices. It's going to be an incredibly scary time for him. When someone's in rehab and they're doing what they're supposed to be doing, they're beginning the process of recovery in a totally safe environment. Once out in the real world, things change.

If he's totally committed to recovery, it's going to be a full time job for him, and he will not have the bandwidth to be the type of boyfriend you need him to be. How could he? He's going to have meetings, he's going to have step work, he's going to be working with his sponsor, etc.. It's a critical time for him.

Another thing I want to suggest, as gently as possible, is young people in situations like this don't have the emotional toolbox to deal with things in a mature, empathetic way even on their best days. His emotional toolbox is not as full as it could be because he's been using drugs. The end result is the person who loves them often gets hurt.

You have an opportunity to do some work on yourself. I'm guessing this is an opportunity you didn't want, but now that you have it, I encourage you to take advantage of it. Coming here is a good first step. Read as many posts as you can. When you do, you'll see that situations like yours happen quite often when an addict is in the picture. You can get through this, but in order to really do well, you have to accept that for now, he's out of the picture doing what he needs to do.

Let us know how you're doing. And again, Welcome to the Board.

selpats

Thank you, zoso77. Your reply was very helpful. I am trying to be understanding of his current situation and realize that this break up had more to do with him trying to focus on himself, rather than not loving me. It is still extremely difficult dealing with the rejection when I feel that I have been nothing but supportive to his recovery...However, that is neither here nor there...He did what he had to, and the only thing I can do is support that.

zoso77

One thing you will come to understand and appreciate, in time, is someone in active addiction is unable to absorb that sort of love and support. Your boyfriend's empty, and he's empty because he's got a hole in his makeup. You pour love and support in, it comes right back out. So I encourage you to not personalize how he handled this because he's sick and he's operating with a functional deficit.

My hope for him is he slowly begins the process of healing himself. But it remains to be seen if he will, and if he does, it's going to take quite some time.

Going forward, you have to put space between him and you and resist any tug that might pull you back into his field. Your education comes first. Everything else, including him, takes a back seat.

Good luck with your degree.

selpats

Thank you so much. It's been really hard for me to understand, not being an addict myself. I think you have put it into words that I am able to comprehend. I really appreciate your kindness and your help.

auroraxborealis

I sometimes felt like my X was a black hole. And I could never love him enough because he couldn't accept it. He would just take it in and never be satisfied, because he won't be able to be full until he is healthy.

Vale

Listen to Zoso!
(goddamn..... those engineers are smart!)

Vale

The black hole analogy is perfect.

OUR job is to steer clear of their event horizon.....lest the tidal forces tear us
to pieces.

Duckygirl1

I'm having a hard time with this thing myself. Im well on the road to happiness and don't want my ex back or contact with his family. That said, I get the whole "hole in the soul" thing and have every sympathy, but it seems to me these people have to work, they have to go to school, they have to learn to deal with LIFE in all of its aspects. That should include honoring the commitments you make to people who have loved and supported you for sometimes decades. I got the whole "I've been thinking about this for awhile" really? News to me! Thinking about it with sponsors, (I know some who are as twisted as a twizzler) doctors, counselors etc. etc. while I look for a new place to live so he wouldn't have to come back to the old stomping grounds. We aren't "clients" of the rehab, so whatever emotional stress we're under from being abandoned is our problem.
I get so sick of glossing over continued selfishness and emotional abuse, but now in the name of recovery.

selpats

THANK YOU. It's not the break up itself that really broke me (although it did still hurt). It's all about the way he did it, with no regard for anyone's well being but his own. I understand recovery gives a person a right to be selfish, but it does not give them a right to treat others like crap, especially those whom have been there and supported them through recovery. The least we deserve is respect. Don't take it personally, and good luck!