Is it ok to speak to a AH's doctor?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Is it ok to speak to a AH's doctor?
I read the comments regarding speaking to an employer about a husband using. I'm in the midst of speaking to my husband's doctors about his self medicating and behavior changes I've lived with for the past years.
He recently started seeing new doctors because he was wearing out his welcome with the previous doctors. The new doctor's have zero history. I know AH has not been honest with what he is telling the new doctors. I'm not sure they got all his old records.
Last Sunday he was very depressed and telling me that all he could think of was suicide. I suggested we go to the ER but he refused and told me to leave him alone. He took some pills and went to bed. I left our home. Speaking of suicide is common from him. I usually ignore it when he goes there. Lately I feel he's been moving closer into that direction.
I decided to contact his new primary and spoke to a nurse. She listened to my concerns I had about his self medicating, depression and suicide comment, and sleeping 18 hours day. Some days not sleeping, slurring his words, behavior changes and the terrible fights we've had with me being blamed for all things that are wrong in the universe.
He was unable to get a Rx for Valium filled with the new pain doctor so he called the new primary doctor. His former primary doctor would never Rx Valium but he did get it from his former pain MD.
Today the new primary office called AH and ok'd a Rx for 270 tabs of 5mg Valium. Later I received a message from same primary doctor saying he received the info of my concerns I left with his nurse and I can call him next week if I wish.
I'm not sure I should bother returning the call but on the other hand if my husband were to follow thru with his threat of suicide I would feel awful.
I really feel he may be having something more than side effects of his medications/addiction. He is 69 years old and I'm wondering if he could be having early dementia symptoms? He sometimes has chunks of memory missing or will tell me a completely different story than what happened. In the past we've had terrible fights over this until I realized he really does believe his truth. At times his version is so far from the truth it's as though we were not at the same event.
I have stepped out of his way since I've learned and accepted he is addicted to his beloved Oxycontin, Dilaudid, Valium and Ambien.
I am considering leaving but know if I were to leave the marriage I would face a degree of anger that could be dangerous for me. His rage and anger is frequent and when he is angry at someone he will often times verbally threaten them, to me. Of course it is never to their face. If I question him later he has denied ever saying it. I do believe he could harm someone, and then himself, if he was angry enough or felt he was getting screwed by someone.
Getting a divorce and losing half of our assets would catapult me to the top of his hit list.
So, is it ever ok to go behind an addicts back and tell their doctor *the rest of the story* that is never told by the patient?
If he is having memory issues, irrational thinking and confusion at times it seems to me that would be quite serious and something a doctor should be aware of. I would think that a person who is getting large quantities of Rx narcotics should be able to remember whether or not they've taken their meds and how much they've taken...?
Thanks so much for any comments.
He recently started seeing new doctors because he was wearing out his welcome with the previous doctors. The new doctor's have zero history. I know AH has not been honest with what he is telling the new doctors. I'm not sure they got all his old records.
Last Sunday he was very depressed and telling me that all he could think of was suicide. I suggested we go to the ER but he refused and told me to leave him alone. He took some pills and went to bed. I left our home. Speaking of suicide is common from him. I usually ignore it when he goes there. Lately I feel he's been moving closer into that direction.
I decided to contact his new primary and spoke to a nurse. She listened to my concerns I had about his self medicating, depression and suicide comment, and sleeping 18 hours day. Some days not sleeping, slurring his words, behavior changes and the terrible fights we've had with me being blamed for all things that are wrong in the universe.
He was unable to get a Rx for Valium filled with the new pain doctor so he called the new primary doctor. His former primary doctor would never Rx Valium but he did get it from his former pain MD.
Today the new primary office called AH and ok'd a Rx for 270 tabs of 5mg Valium. Later I received a message from same primary doctor saying he received the info of my concerns I left with his nurse and I can call him next week if I wish.
I'm not sure I should bother returning the call but on the other hand if my husband were to follow thru with his threat of suicide I would feel awful.
I really feel he may be having something more than side effects of his medications/addiction. He is 69 years old and I'm wondering if he could be having early dementia symptoms? He sometimes has chunks of memory missing or will tell me a completely different story than what happened. In the past we've had terrible fights over this until I realized he really does believe his truth. At times his version is so far from the truth it's as though we were not at the same event.
I have stepped out of his way since I've learned and accepted he is addicted to his beloved Oxycontin, Dilaudid, Valium and Ambien.
I am considering leaving but know if I were to leave the marriage I would face a degree of anger that could be dangerous for me. His rage and anger is frequent and when he is angry at someone he will often times verbally threaten them, to me. Of course it is never to their face. If I question him later he has denied ever saying it. I do believe he could harm someone, and then himself, if he was angry enough or felt he was getting screwed by someone.
Getting a divorce and losing half of our assets would catapult me to the top of his hit list.
So, is it ever ok to go behind an addicts back and tell their doctor *the rest of the story* that is never told by the patient?
If he is having memory issues, irrational thinking and confusion at times it seems to me that would be quite serious and something a doctor should be aware of. I would think that a person who is getting large quantities of Rx narcotics should be able to remember whether or not they've taken their meds and how much they've taken...?
Thanks so much for any comments.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Doctor shopping is common among addicts. When they can't get something from one, they find another. Some times they have several doctors and doctor A had no idea there is a doctor B, C or D.
If he has prescription insurance then the insurance coverage should spot if he tries to fill multiples of the same drug or the same class of drug. If this happens then they will alert the doctor. I work in prescription drug coverage and we have logic in our systems to catch this and we alert the doctors.
Of course if he pays cash and does not use the same pharmacy then there is no way for this to be detected.
I am not sure where you are located but here in the states the doctor or nurses are not legally allowed to discuss his medical information with you. It would be a violation of the HIPAA law. Even if you have been married 50 years, which personally I think would qualify you, the law does not make that allowance unless he has placed on the paperwork that specifically allows disclosure. So you may talk to them but they may not be able to respond in any way other than, "Thank you for the information".
It may be dementia and it may be that he was blacked out from the drugs. In a blackout they will not remember things they have said or done. That time frame is blank in their memories so he may not remember OR he may remember and he just tells you he doesn't. Only he knows that for sure and if he is an active addict, he is not going to tell the truth. They lie and manipulate to get what they want or need and the truth rarely gets them that.
My advice is to do more reading on here and look into Al-anon. The time now is for you, not him. There is nothing you can do that will make him stop or suddenly see what he is doing so you have to take care of yourself.
Get some information and move forward with it.
If he has prescription insurance then the insurance coverage should spot if he tries to fill multiples of the same drug or the same class of drug. If this happens then they will alert the doctor. I work in prescription drug coverage and we have logic in our systems to catch this and we alert the doctors.
Of course if he pays cash and does not use the same pharmacy then there is no way for this to be detected.
I am not sure where you are located but here in the states the doctor or nurses are not legally allowed to discuss his medical information with you. It would be a violation of the HIPAA law. Even if you have been married 50 years, which personally I think would qualify you, the law does not make that allowance unless he has placed on the paperwork that specifically allows disclosure. So you may talk to them but they may not be able to respond in any way other than, "Thank you for the information".
It may be dementia and it may be that he was blacked out from the drugs. In a blackout they will not remember things they have said or done. That time frame is blank in their memories so he may not remember OR he may remember and he just tells you he doesn't. Only he knows that for sure and if he is an active addict, he is not going to tell the truth. They lie and manipulate to get what they want or need and the truth rarely gets them that.
My advice is to do more reading on here and look into Al-anon. The time now is for you, not him. There is nothing you can do that will make him stop or suddenly see what he is doing so you have to take care of yourself.
Get some information and move forward with it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I would probably talk to his doctors as well, maybe even send an e-mail so that the information is clear (not a message passed through someone else) and documented.
Aside from being addicted, if he is suffering from dementia then he will need an advocate, willingly or not.
It alarms me when you speak of being afraid of his violence, rage and anger. Above all, you must keep yourself safe. Perhaps talk to a women's shelter and find out the process if you needed to leave in a hurry. You don't have to actually go to get their help and support, but having a plan in place would make this less difficult should the time come.
In a situation like this, considering his age and overall condition, I don't think it is interfering to try to get some kind of help for what you, as well as he, is dealing with. If you have family that could help you with any of this, please do not hesitate to talk to them.
Good luck, dear, you and he are both in my prayers.
Hugs
Aside from being addicted, if he is suffering from dementia then he will need an advocate, willingly or not.
It alarms me when you speak of being afraid of his violence, rage and anger. Above all, you must keep yourself safe. Perhaps talk to a women's shelter and find out the process if you needed to leave in a hurry. You don't have to actually go to get their help and support, but having a plan in place would make this less difficult should the time come.
In a situation like this, considering his age and overall condition, I don't think it is interfering to try to get some kind of help for what you, as well as he, is dealing with. If you have family that could help you with any of this, please do not hesitate to talk to them.
Good luck, dear, you and he are both in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
My husband is an a. I sent a letter to his new doctors explaining why he left his other dr. His dr. of 15 years called him out for his drinking. Xh did not appreciate it and found new doctors. I asked them throw a way the letter as I wanted no hard copy of it. That is why I did not email.
Not sure if this was a good thing, but when his tests came back bad and they said that it could have been from their error, they now why.
Not sure if this was a good thing, but when his tests came back bad and they said that it could have been from their error, they now why.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
I'm on the same page with Ann, and think it was a good idea to contact his doc.
When I was reading through your post I sensed fear: fear of your husband taking his life, but also fear of your husband getting angry at you.
Sometimes we look for medical help for the addict to protect the addict from their addiction, but also to protect ourselves from the addict.
I met quite a few healthcare professionals when I had an addict in my life - unfortunately none of them would tell me that it was ok for me to leave this abusive, soul eating situation, and that I had no control over the addict taking their life or not.
When I was reading through your post I sensed fear: fear of your husband taking his life, but also fear of your husband getting angry at you.
Sometimes we look for medical help for the addict to protect the addict from their addiction, but also to protect ourselves from the addict.
I met quite a few healthcare professionals when I had an addict in my life - unfortunately none of them would tell me that it was ok for me to leave this abusive, soul eating situation, and that I had no control over the addict taking their life or not.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Eileen - Welcome to SR, though so sorry for what has brought you here.
My stepmom was an addict and doctor shopped. Sadly, her insurance never caught on. I was not allowed to go to doctor visits with her and my dad stuck his head in the sand about it all.
I'm a recovering addict and I knew she was heading down a bad path, but there was not much I could do. I did talk to an ER doctor, one time I was with stepmom, and told her about this. She asked if I could take her pills and dole them out (no!!), I explained that stepmom was extremely protective of her addiction and would never allow that, nor tell the truth about what she takes.
Stepmom was livid but her anger was only words. I do worry about your husband's anger being direct toward you, and agree with those who express concern for your safety.
Sadly, I found my stepmom dead of an accidental OD a little over a year ago. She had 16 bottles of pills that was found.
If I had it to do over again, I don't honestly see what I could have done different. Her doctor prescribed a lethal combination of meds, the pharmacy didn't question them. I think she used other pharmacies, but I had no legal recourse.
I'd been working on my codependent recovery for some time, and I had to detach as much as I could. From my experience, an addict will do whatever they can to continue getting the drugs.
As far as the dementia concern, however, that I would definitely make known to his doctor. It's hard to say whether it is drugs or not, but signs of dementia usually start showing up 5-10 years before it's really obvious (I worked with people who had alzheimers for a couple of years).
I would just mention that you have concerns, have specific examples. Certain kinds of dementia can cause even more rage.
I think the bottom line is to continue learning all you can about addiction and dementia, but priority is taking care of you. I hope you keep reading and posting here, there is a ton of support and ES&H (experience, strength and hope) from members here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My stepmom was an addict and doctor shopped. Sadly, her insurance never caught on. I was not allowed to go to doctor visits with her and my dad stuck his head in the sand about it all.
I'm a recovering addict and I knew she was heading down a bad path, but there was not much I could do. I did talk to an ER doctor, one time I was with stepmom, and told her about this. She asked if I could take her pills and dole them out (no!!), I explained that stepmom was extremely protective of her addiction and would never allow that, nor tell the truth about what she takes.
Stepmom was livid but her anger was only words. I do worry about your husband's anger being direct toward you, and agree with those who express concern for your safety.
Sadly, I found my stepmom dead of an accidental OD a little over a year ago. She had 16 bottles of pills that was found.
If I had it to do over again, I don't honestly see what I could have done different. Her doctor prescribed a lethal combination of meds, the pharmacy didn't question them. I think she used other pharmacies, but I had no legal recourse.
I'd been working on my codependent recovery for some time, and I had to detach as much as I could. From my experience, an addict will do whatever they can to continue getting the drugs.
As far as the dementia concern, however, that I would definitely make known to his doctor. It's hard to say whether it is drugs or not, but signs of dementia usually start showing up 5-10 years before it's really obvious (I worked with people who had alzheimers for a couple of years).
I would just mention that you have concerns, have specific examples. Certain kinds of dementia can cause even more rage.
I think the bottom line is to continue learning all you can about addiction and dementia, but priority is taking care of you. I hope you keep reading and posting here, there is a ton of support and ES&H (experience, strength and hope) from members here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Thank you all! Your comments and support is extremely valuable and heartfelt.
Yesterday I spoke with the new primary doctor. He was extremely concerned and initially wanted to confront my husband about my concerns.
After listening to my enormous fear about blindsiding AH and being blamed as the huge blabber mouth by AH, and not wanting to be the target of his anger the primary doc said he would be ok with us coming to an appointment and me bringing up the memory, confusion and agitation issues in front of my husband.
I told him I was fine with talking about my concerns with husband present but felt he needed to know the depth of my concerns as AH usually will minimize my concerns and have an excuse such as he's not young anymore so what do I expect. In the past the doctors have agreed with him and shrugged my concerns off.
We also saw the pain doctor. I did bring up the confusion /memory concerns. I was surprised and so disappointed that he responded by saying cognitive testing is not that valuable since we have nothing to compare to. WTH?? I was quite surprised that he would say this. I asked: doesn't it concern you knowing a patient who is taking narcotics, is expressing confusion and at times says he can't remember what pills he took? He said it is a concern and AH can cut back on the Oxy and see if this makes any difference.
I'm still shaking my head with this blasé approach from the second chronic pain doc who is doling out narcotics.
Imperrfect, I'm so sorry about your step mom. You did all that you could do. It's such a tragedy.
I look back and see how utterly stupid I was for years. My experience with drug addiction was zero. AH would be the last person to drink or smoke or ever consider using a street drug! I never knew one could spiral into the depths of addiction right under the nose of doctors. AH has seen plenty of doctors over the years. They all would be so focused on getting this X-ray or that test. Never did any of them bring attention to the possible issues the narcotics might be contributing to the overall picture. I find that so sad...
On the call with primary doc I did ask if he feels there could be more than just drug's causing these issues. He said he was concerned there could be and would guess several issues at play and that it would take a bit of work to sort it all out.
He expressed concern over my fears about the anger from AH. I've learned to keep things more level and when we do *arm wrestle* I am much better at dealing with it, placating him and not taking it personally. I know he is not well. He is not physically abusive, it's all yelling and blaming and throwing or slamming stuff. I usually walk away or change the subject. Nar anon has helped me to step out of the way and I'm still learning.
My conversation with the primary doc confirmed that I'm not over reacting and he agreed my keeping things level is my best solution for now, as long as I feel safe while in our home. I do feel safe for now.
Primary doc hopes that AH will agree to see a psychiatrist and if he refuses to be seen by someone in that discipline to address the depression and cognitive functioning he may need to "take a nuclear approach."
That scares me. I didn't ask what a "nuclear approach" means. Didn't want to hear the response. I doubt it would be pretty. But that too is out of my hands.
Again, thank you all for your ideas. I've read and learned so much from this site.
A few years ago, when the first person who suggested addiction might be the root of our marital issues, I was dubious. It came from a life long friend of my sister's - someone I've know all my life. I heard it again a few more times from other folks and finally started going to meetings and read a ton online. It was a huge eye opener and it broke my heart to learn about the many folks who are the victim of addiction or care about that someone.
Yesterday I spoke with the new primary doctor. He was extremely concerned and initially wanted to confront my husband about my concerns.
After listening to my enormous fear about blindsiding AH and being blamed as the huge blabber mouth by AH, and not wanting to be the target of his anger the primary doc said he would be ok with us coming to an appointment and me bringing up the memory, confusion and agitation issues in front of my husband.
I told him I was fine with talking about my concerns with husband present but felt he needed to know the depth of my concerns as AH usually will minimize my concerns and have an excuse such as he's not young anymore so what do I expect. In the past the doctors have agreed with him and shrugged my concerns off.
We also saw the pain doctor. I did bring up the confusion /memory concerns. I was surprised and so disappointed that he responded by saying cognitive testing is not that valuable since we have nothing to compare to. WTH?? I was quite surprised that he would say this. I asked: doesn't it concern you knowing a patient who is taking narcotics, is expressing confusion and at times says he can't remember what pills he took? He said it is a concern and AH can cut back on the Oxy and see if this makes any difference.
I'm still shaking my head with this blasé approach from the second chronic pain doc who is doling out narcotics.
Imperrfect, I'm so sorry about your step mom. You did all that you could do. It's such a tragedy.
I look back and see how utterly stupid I was for years. My experience with drug addiction was zero. AH would be the last person to drink or smoke or ever consider using a street drug! I never knew one could spiral into the depths of addiction right under the nose of doctors. AH has seen plenty of doctors over the years. They all would be so focused on getting this X-ray or that test. Never did any of them bring attention to the possible issues the narcotics might be contributing to the overall picture. I find that so sad...
On the call with primary doc I did ask if he feels there could be more than just drug's causing these issues. He said he was concerned there could be and would guess several issues at play and that it would take a bit of work to sort it all out.
He expressed concern over my fears about the anger from AH. I've learned to keep things more level and when we do *arm wrestle* I am much better at dealing with it, placating him and not taking it personally. I know he is not well. He is not physically abusive, it's all yelling and blaming and throwing or slamming stuff. I usually walk away or change the subject. Nar anon has helped me to step out of the way and I'm still learning.
My conversation with the primary doc confirmed that I'm not over reacting and he agreed my keeping things level is my best solution for now, as long as I feel safe while in our home. I do feel safe for now.
Primary doc hopes that AH will agree to see a psychiatrist and if he refuses to be seen by someone in that discipline to address the depression and cognitive functioning he may need to "take a nuclear approach."
That scares me. I didn't ask what a "nuclear approach" means. Didn't want to hear the response. I doubt it would be pretty. But that too is out of my hands.
Again, thank you all for your ideas. I've read and learned so much from this site.
A few years ago, when the first person who suggested addiction might be the root of our marital issues, I was dubious. It came from a life long friend of my sister's - someone I've know all my life. I heard it again a few more times from other folks and finally started going to meetings and read a ton online. It was a huge eye opener and it broke my heart to learn about the many folks who are the victim of addiction or care about that someone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Yelling and blaming and throwing and slamming stuff sounds abusive. Keep in mind that these kinds of things often escalate over time. I can understand why you are afraid of confronting him. This does not sound like a safe situation to me. It sounds like the doctor is concerned for your safety.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
My stepson is physically disabled and would be in pain all the time if not treated for it. Being treated means all sorts of pain meds and mood altering ones that are a result of the pain meds actually. He became addicted and the doctors knew he would. He's undergone spine surgery, various pain surgeries cutting nerves, worn some electronic device but nothing works other than the meds. His abuse of his wife progressed from verbal to physical and his wife had no recourse but to get away and eventually divorce him for her safety. He is now in anger management and living alone. They meet occasionally for coffee and such in friendship but even that wouldn't be possible without the anger management. He devised a system, much like my own with blood pressure and cholesterol meds, to prevent over dose. Over dose is his issue and missing doses is not one as his pain level would tell him. Not being for pain and them not being addictive, mine is to prevent forgetting to take my meds but the system also prevents taking too many.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree that with his age and with his possible other issues, the verbal abuse may escalate, please prepare yourself. I would also look into the drugs he is taking and how they may be interacting with each other. Also, some of those drugs have a suicidal affect on the older age group.
I know my dad has horrible anxiety but his doctor will not put him on any more meds b/c he already has to take other meds for physical issues and because it has a negative affect many times in interaction.
You think they as doctors will think this all out, but not necessarily. You may want to speak to a pharmacist and discuss the possible side affects and drug interactions that he may be experiencing.
Hugs. I wish you all the best..
I know my dad has horrible anxiety but his doctor will not put him on any more meds b/c he already has to take other meds for physical issues and because it has a negative affect many times in interaction.
You think they as doctors will think this all out, but not necessarily. You may want to speak to a pharmacist and discuss the possible side affects and drug interactions that he may be experiencing.
Hugs. I wish you all the best..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
I'm wondering if anyone has a thought on this. Today I ran across a draft AH wrote to me dated 12/24/14. (What a nice Christmas present)
It is a suicide note to me basically telling me how he's doing this all for me, so I won't have to worry about money he wastes or be sad that my feelings are hurt from something he never intended to say or do that hurts my feelings.
That he has no life under the stress of constantly worrying about my future and blamed me for not giving him one hour in the past, at a family therapist he was seeing for issues with his son.
(After the market crash in '08 we'd lost lots of money - he managed all of it. When I learned about the extent of our losses I flipped out. He then blamed me for not going to his family therapist as he claimed he was *begging* this family therapist to help him get out of the market. He claimed he *begged* me to go to the sessions of which I did go to 2. They were centered around issues he had with anger towards his adult son. At no time did he ever speak about our investments. And I surely did not need a family therapist to provide me with advise about our money. Had husband talked to me about his concerns/ fears I would have very easily helped him sell or would have sold the investments myself rather than let them dissolve to zero! He was in the finance business professionally. He was very successful. I never managed our money at that time.)
His note goes on to say:
He loves me and still does, and his assets and life insurance should leave me without worrying about all his waste.
That I should say goodbye to our friends for him but tell no one about the details of his demise.
That he hopes this will make me happy and that he hopes he will finally RIP.
So, do I just pretend that I didn't see it? Or is this something that needs to be addressed in some way?
It is a suicide note to me basically telling me how he's doing this all for me, so I won't have to worry about money he wastes or be sad that my feelings are hurt from something he never intended to say or do that hurts my feelings.
That he has no life under the stress of constantly worrying about my future and blamed me for not giving him one hour in the past, at a family therapist he was seeing for issues with his son.
(After the market crash in '08 we'd lost lots of money - he managed all of it. When I learned about the extent of our losses I flipped out. He then blamed me for not going to his family therapist as he claimed he was *begging* this family therapist to help him get out of the market. He claimed he *begged* me to go to the sessions of which I did go to 2. They were centered around issues he had with anger towards his adult son. At no time did he ever speak about our investments. And I surely did not need a family therapist to provide me with advise about our money. Had husband talked to me about his concerns/ fears I would have very easily helped him sell or would have sold the investments myself rather than let them dissolve to zero! He was in the finance business professionally. He was very successful. I never managed our money at that time.)
His note goes on to say:
He loves me and still does, and his assets and life insurance should leave me without worrying about all his waste.
That I should say goodbye to our friends for him but tell no one about the details of his demise.
That he hopes this will make me happy and that he hopes he will finally RIP.
So, do I just pretend that I didn't see it? Or is this something that needs to be addressed in some way?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
A good friend of mine thought the same thoughts years back. He was one of the (few) that did take his life.
Your man has deep sinful issues. Recovery will require a spiritual program.
Confront him -- yes it seems best.
More may be revealed.
MM
Your man has deep sinful issues. Recovery will require a spiritual program.
Confront him -- yes it seems best.
More may be revealed.
MM
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I'm worried about your safety. Confronting him could lead him to start throwing things and having a temper tantrum in the way that you've described, and it could even escalate into him actually physically hurting you. I can't imagine what you're going through and don't feel competent to tell you what to do, but I hope you will make your own safety your top priority. It sounds like he needs professional help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Eileen - I'm so sorry you were confronted with his suicide note. My first instinct is that it's manipulation, blaming you and still playing the victim.
However, I've learned a lot from the folks here. If it were me, I would confront him and ask him if he still feels this way. If he says yes? I'd call 911 and let the professionals deal with him.
If he's truly suicidal, he needs help. If he's just trying another form of manipulation, he needs to learn the consequences.
If you confront him and he turns violent, call the cops. YOUR safety is paramount.
Please keep checking in, as we are all concerned about you.
One more thing - once I discovered something, be it snooping (I was quite good at this) or just something I stumbled upon, I couldn't undo knowing what I'd found. If it kept worrying me, I had to do something. Sometimes that was just putting distance between me and the person, but sometimes it was letting professionals know there was a problem.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
However, I've learned a lot from the folks here. If it were me, I would confront him and ask him if he still feels this way. If he says yes? I'd call 911 and let the professionals deal with him.
If he's truly suicidal, he needs help. If he's just trying another form of manipulation, he needs to learn the consequences.
If you confront him and he turns violent, call the cops. YOUR safety is paramount.
Please keep checking in, as we are all concerned about you.
One more thing - once I discovered something, be it snooping (I was quite good at this) or just something I stumbled upon, I couldn't undo knowing what I'd found. If it kept worrying me, I had to do something. Sometimes that was just putting distance between me and the person, but sometimes it was letting professionals know there was a problem.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 15
Thank you for your thoughts. As I've mulled his words throughout the day I've gone from sad to kind of mad and irked that if he were to harm himself that he blames me for that action too!
I've been a snoop in the past - before I was aware it had anything to do with his pain meds. I thought we were becoming The Bickerson's when I first started hearing him on the phone, telling folks stuff that was not true about me and how poorly I was treating him etc.
Today I wasn't snooping, I was looking for something he'd asked me to look for in his email. This unsent draft caught my eye as it was for my email address and the subject was 'Bye.' Of course I did open it. Who knows if he was hoping I'd find it. It does not matter but I was glad I did see it.
I took a picture of it and will let him know I saw it. I'm thinking it will be best to bring this up with the doctor. I agree that he'll be quite angry and the situation could get bad.
Yes I would call 911 if needed. I always have my phone with me and have a code text that I can send to both of my sister's that they know to call for me, if needed. We've never needed to use it but we set it up, just in case.
It's so weird that when things are level for a week or so I tend to forget how scared I get when he gets mad. When he does go sideways those scary feelings of fear come back in a moment, regardless of whether his anger is directed towards me or someone else. I usually leave the house and distance myself, depending on the situation.
I feel I'd like to know if there is dementia or something else besides addiction happening.
For me that makes a difference as to my decision for my future. If it is dementia I feel less able to walk out much the same way I would if my spouse had a stroke. If we'd get a diagnosis, either yes there is an organic reason for the memory loss and behavior changes or nope your brain function is ok, that, for me, would help me to live with my decision and the fall out.
If we'd have a valid diagnosis and reason for the memory loss (not the drugs) at least I'd maybe have the ability to dialogue with AH when he is seemingly rationale and plan for how we want our future to look like.
Does that sound rational or am I just seeking an excuse to stay?
Thank you again for your help, your kindness and insight.
I've been a snoop in the past - before I was aware it had anything to do with his pain meds. I thought we were becoming The Bickerson's when I first started hearing him on the phone, telling folks stuff that was not true about me and how poorly I was treating him etc.
Today I wasn't snooping, I was looking for something he'd asked me to look for in his email. This unsent draft caught my eye as it was for my email address and the subject was 'Bye.' Of course I did open it. Who knows if he was hoping I'd find it. It does not matter but I was glad I did see it.
I took a picture of it and will let him know I saw it. I'm thinking it will be best to bring this up with the doctor. I agree that he'll be quite angry and the situation could get bad.
Yes I would call 911 if needed. I always have my phone with me and have a code text that I can send to both of my sister's that they know to call for me, if needed. We've never needed to use it but we set it up, just in case.
It's so weird that when things are level for a week or so I tend to forget how scared I get when he gets mad. When he does go sideways those scary feelings of fear come back in a moment, regardless of whether his anger is directed towards me or someone else. I usually leave the house and distance myself, depending on the situation.
I feel I'd like to know if there is dementia or something else besides addiction happening.
For me that makes a difference as to my decision for my future. If it is dementia I feel less able to walk out much the same way I would if my spouse had a stroke. If we'd get a diagnosis, either yes there is an organic reason for the memory loss and behavior changes or nope your brain function is ok, that, for me, would help me to live with my decision and the fall out.
If we'd have a valid diagnosis and reason for the memory loss (not the drugs) at least I'd maybe have the ability to dialogue with AH when he is seemingly rationale and plan for how we want our future to look like.
Does that sound rational or am I just seeking an excuse to stay?
Thank you again for your help, your kindness and insight.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I would contact psychiatric inpatient and find out Information regarding care. What conditions that he may be admitted? He is obviously a threat to himself. He has intent, with the letters and a plan. That is always a "go" for admission. Although, he can deny.
That may give him a chance to be evaluated for dementia, pain management meds, depression, and drug dependence. Get a geriatric psychiatrist if available.....
That may give him a chance to be evaluated for dementia, pain management meds, depression, and drug dependence. Get a geriatric psychiatrist if available.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NC
Posts: 15
I am a geriatric mental health nurse. You can have him involuntary committed with information you have provided, and he can then be evaluated. A danger to oneself or others is all it takes. I agree with the previous poster - if you can find a geriatric psychiatrist and geriatric psych inpatient program, even better!
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