iamunique

I am a mess. My A Son is a mess. I fooled myself into hoping we could a good old fashioned family christmas. I don't blame myself for really wanting that but I am so angry at his addiction and at myself for allowing my guard down again. We celebrated yesterday because everyone has different commitments tomorrow.
I talked to my son who was sober seconds before i picked him up.A few seconds after I picked him up I realized he was wasted..his drug of choice..injecting percocets. In hindsight I Would of left him on the curb to call his gf to find his way home. BUT it's Christmas and so I thought , he and his addiction were not going to ruin it. So I drove my A son, my grandson, and my younger son to my daughters house. She could see he was stoned, she was angry, but I am thinking she was hoping for the best too. So I made dinner, everyone talked abt everything.. except the elephant in the room. We all ate, opened gifts, hugged, took pics, even laughed. Then as we were ready to leave ..all hell broke loose. My A son wiped his feet on my daughters carpet.. She snapped and blurted out every hurtful thing she could think to say to him, incuding ``I guess your highs wearing off ***hole so it's time to go.`` and of course he returned every hurtful thing he could including'' You will never see me again." So that was my Christmas. Not looking for sympathy, just had to share it with people who understand. Thanks for being here.
BTW My A son woke me this morning, crying I asked again to please go get help. He said he tried to get help(that is true) but because of his record with rehabs he's on a very long waiting list. I don't know what else I can say or do.. I am powerless over his addiction but it doesn't make mt heart feel any better that I have to stand by and watch him slowly hurting, killing himself and I can't say or do a damn thing to stop it..
thanks for listening, Had to get that out.


Iamunique

Whitewingeddove

iamunique, my 23 YO son is also in active addiction this holiday season. I feel your pain, I truly truly do! My son currently has an active arrest warrant and we are all just wondering what is taking so long for them to pick him up, revoke his probation, and put him in jail for his 3-7 year underlying sentence........away from all of us, but saddest of all, his 23 month old beautiful baby girl.

If a mother's love could save them, what a wonderful world it would be right? He, his GF and my sweet granddaughter will be over for gifts and dinner tomorrow (if he doesn't get arrested before then). I am trying to stay as positive as possible and hope he comes somewhat clearheaded, as this will probably be the last xmas any of us get to spend with him for a few years.

You are not alone.........that's what I want to tell you the most. It's the most horrible feeling in the world, but you are not going through it alone! Big hugs to you this holiday season!

Muunray

He's gone through sober living environments too?

Ann

Awww, 'Nique, it just never ends until we say it ends.

I am so sorry he is "back at it" and pray he finds recovery soon. If he cannot get in rehab, he can go to meetings or find a sober living home and try that.

Love you lots, and am sending you Christmas hugs.

irisgardens

You are not alone...my 22 year old daughter is also in active addiction this Christmas...I am sending prayers for your peace...and for his HP to work with him.

I am more blessed this year than last...because last year I still had hope that things could be turned around...and although it has been so very hard...I have come to understand that I am powerless over her addiction.

Her father called her and wished her merry christmas tonight...he is kind of acting for both of us (I am needing to deal with my own health...) and it is what it is...our family has always been very supportive for a lot...however, she is not willing and I am grateful that the other adult kids are moving on with their own lives and their dad and i have a full plate too even though our love is truly there...the pain and hard stuff are also there.

have a very special place in my heart and soul for parents of addicts...and want you to know that my prayers go up for you...and the others I know about on SR--because in our 'learnings' we have so many hard lessons to learn ourselves...and to turn things over takes (at least for me) daily energy and work...grateful for my program...as my toolbox helps...and as time goes by and the pain is hard (on whatever front)--it works.

God Bless you...and know that you are not alone...and that you are cared for and about here.

pommie

God bless all the parents here and give us peace.

iamunique

thank-you everyone for your thoughtful replies and suggestions.
I am very worried about him again. He Looks like skin on bones. It does break my heart.
I talked to him again about getting himself help..his words, "I'm sure I don't have many years to live, ``I don't want help, I just want to everyone to leave me alone. "

So there I have my answer. I Know by now if an addict isn't willing to get help, all the suggesting, pleading and crying in the world won't make him.

(ANN) You are so right..the pain doesn't stop til I Stop it.. And that begins with me giving him back to God, detaching with love, and accepting that i can't cure him.

Thank-you everyone for the reminders.
I Pray Daily for all of you at SR.
love and hugs
Iamunique

Whitewingeddove

Its truly heartbreaking... Don't I know. I pray every day that they will pick my son up on his warrant. He only lives 2 tenths of a mile from the PD and they know this...so frustrating. Have my little grand baby here since last night. Don't want to bring her home....

chicory

Iamunique,
I am so sorry that things are what they are. I know your heart is broken and each thought brings more aching.
We can hope though, that in jail he may get a new outlook, get clean of drugs, and learn just what it is to be responsible for his actions. I would think he will learn a lot there.
You cannot fix it, I know you must know that by now, so all you can and should do is to let God have this, and let your son face the music. He knows he is loved and he has many reasons to live... he may live longer, going to jail, and getting his head straight.

Praying that things work out for good, for all of you, especially that little one. I surely pray that once he gets clean, things will be clearer in his mind.
It is good to have hope.

hugs,
chicory

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Unique, Another Momma here. I too understand the "hope" we can have a normal holiday. My AS (sometimes recovering?) was on pins and needles the entire day and I was on pins and needles every time he went to another part of our house (bedrooms, back bathroom, etc). I am so tired of this "hope" of a normal holiday. The ones who help me the most are my other two kids. They don't Hope for their brother , they hold tight their emotions and they look at his actions. Thank God nothing was stolen, but again... What "normal" holiday gathering worries about the presents disappearing?
Sending love and prayers,
Teresa

needingabreak

Iamunique I am so sorry you had to deal with this on your holiday but from one mom of an addicted son to another, detaching with love and giving them to God is the best we can do. It is hard and it hurts but we cannot mae them want it nor give them the strength to get help.
Just wanted you to know there are others here for you going through it and who care.

iamunique

(Teresa) and ALL
Omgosh I can definitely relate to that..Sighs, not only holidays but anytime he comes around..There is a whole ritual performed.. no cash around, hide the meds and anything of value that could be pawned or sold. I hate his addiction but I don't hate him. I still struggle back and forth with my decision to allow him to come around. He comes around abt every two or three wks for supervised visits (by me) spend time with me, his son and my son..who btw both absolutely adore him and he absolutley adores them. He has a huge loving, giving heart, a great sense of humor and the moments spent with him when he is not stoned, are treasured memories for all of us. Because of his addiction he is in very poor health. He has Hep C. which he Won't get help for.. his addiction owns him. I can't find it in my heart to turn my back on him, especially knowing that he may not have much more time with us. My heart breaks to even think about it.
I apologize for rambling but it does me so good to get it out. And to talk to ppl who are going thru it or have been there and understand.
thank-you you again for listening
love, hugs and prayers for all
unique

Ilovemysonjj

Hugs and I hope you have a peaceful day!