Has anyone had to divorce someone they couldn't find?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Has anyone had to divorce someone they couldn't find?
Hello everyone,
My stepsister is a paralegal and works for a family lawyer. I talked to him the other day and told him what's going on with the process server not being able to serve AH and that I don't know where AH is. I don't even know all his friends. He kept them from me. Now I know why. They are probably addicts too. Anyway, I'm really angry because initially the first time I called, I was told he had been served when he was in the hospital. It was when I called back to see if I could come get the papers from them to get them back to the clerk of courts myself because it would be faster, that I was told they didn't serve him after all because he left against medical advice. I thought the guy was going to be helpful and try a few more places but I guess they are done now trying. They can't tell me why I was told they were served originally. But it's done now, they won't attempt again. The lawyer is telling me that I have to go through what sounds like some pretty great lengths though to document that I attempted to personally serve the papers to AH's by contacting his family and friends, anywhere he might be, before I can publish the impending proceedings. Honestly I'm afraid to approach who I do know out of the friends and family. I have no phone numbers so I would have to go to whom I know of in person. Doing this is also going to be very time consuming and take me places I don't want to go near. They aren't on my side and what if AH is there? He kind of scares me now. The couple people I asked to come with said no and his local PD at his last known address told me they don't have time to accompany me. If you have experience with this, how did you get it done? I'm going to contact the lawyer again Monday. I hope I can just write a letter to the judge explaining why this is going to be difficult. This is happening just when most people are advising me to leave the situation alone and stay away from AH if he can be found and his friends and family. I'm very frusterated!
My stepsister is a paralegal and works for a family lawyer. I talked to him the other day and told him what's going on with the process server not being able to serve AH and that I don't know where AH is. I don't even know all his friends. He kept them from me. Now I know why. They are probably addicts too. Anyway, I'm really angry because initially the first time I called, I was told he had been served when he was in the hospital. It was when I called back to see if I could come get the papers from them to get them back to the clerk of courts myself because it would be faster, that I was told they didn't serve him after all because he left against medical advice. I thought the guy was going to be helpful and try a few more places but I guess they are done now trying. They can't tell me why I was told they were served originally. But it's done now, they won't attempt again. The lawyer is telling me that I have to go through what sounds like some pretty great lengths though to document that I attempted to personally serve the papers to AH's by contacting his family and friends, anywhere he might be, before I can publish the impending proceedings. Honestly I'm afraid to approach who I do know out of the friends and family. I have no phone numbers so I would have to go to whom I know of in person. Doing this is also going to be very time consuming and take me places I don't want to go near. They aren't on my side and what if AH is there? He kind of scares me now. The couple people I asked to come with said no and his local PD at his last known address told me they don't have time to accompany me. If you have experience with this, how did you get it done? I'm going to contact the lawyer again Monday. I hope I can just write a letter to the judge explaining why this is going to be difficult. This is happening just when most people are advising me to leave the situation alone and stay away from AH if he can be found and his friends and family. I'm very frusterated!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Waiting, is there some reason this has to be done pronto? Could you just give it a rest for a couple weeks and see how things unfold? It seems likely that he'll show back up, and in the meantime it seems like this is taking an awful lot of your energy--energy that might be better focused on taking good care of yourself and your kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I guess my anxiety is getting the best of me. I am feeling very anxious. In one week my husband was admitted to the hospital with CHF, I find out he's an addict much worse than I knew, he verbally berates me in his room and cuts me off from receiving any medical info, I file for divorce, he checks himself out of the hospital and disappears. This all happened within what about 6 days? I'm really tired of this. I do feel rushed. We have suffered from so many of the consequences of his actions. He went into the hospital with no health insurance too. From what I'm being told, I could be held liable for half the cost of his hospitalization in our divorce and his enormous dental bill from the teeth he had pulled and the infection it caused later. That happened a month ago. The collateral damage he's causing is getting to me. It's building up and I'm really stressed. I'm trying to stay calm but it's been really hard. I can't wait to go to Monday's Nar-Anon meeting. Being isolated on this farm is getting to me. No one to talk to.
Bimi, the sheriff's department hired it out to a process server too. I could hire them again but the problem is I don't know really know of any addresses to just give them. I could probably find them if I drove around myself though. This is the problem I created. I didn't pay attention or involve myself to insist on knowing where AH was going all the time and knowing these people very well. I just let him go visit his friends and family while I kept my veil on. It was never my business to know where he was or who he was with when I'd question him he would tell me. I could give them names. Some people I don't even have last names. They've already been to the most obvious places. And it's expensive per attempt. This is at a time where I've already been struggling to support the girls and I. AH hasn't helped financially in 2 years. I just need to get this all out and off my chest and reread it I think. Look for the holes where I don't make sense and see what I'm not doing in black and white here that maybe I'm making excuses for or harder than it is. Just bear with me here ok?
Bimi, the sheriff's department hired it out to a process server too. I could hire them again but the problem is I don't know really know of any addresses to just give them. I could probably find them if I drove around myself though. This is the problem I created. I didn't pay attention or involve myself to insist on knowing where AH was going all the time and knowing these people very well. I just let him go visit his friends and family while I kept my veil on. It was never my business to know where he was or who he was with when I'd question him he would tell me. I could give them names. Some people I don't even have last names. They've already been to the most obvious places. And it's expensive per attempt. This is at a time where I've already been struggling to support the girls and I. AH hasn't helped financially in 2 years. I just need to get this all out and off my chest and reread it I think. Look for the holes where I don't make sense and see what I'm not doing in black and white here that maybe I'm making excuses for or harder than it is. Just bear with me here ok?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I'm also angry at myself for wallowing in self pity. I hate that. Usually I'm pretty good at taking action. I don't like feeling helpless or paralyzed and it's making me mad. Why can't I just stop this obsessive BS?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 109
Hi, my mom had to divorce my father without being able to find him. He is an alcoholic and abandoned us when I was 9. She waited 3 years of more after he left us, she finally did so because she feared him filling and going for our house. She had to advertise in the paper for 3 days that she was divorcing him. In the legal section I imagine. Lol. For what it's worth I've always been thankful that my father had no contact with us. We could have used the financial support- but even broke we had a stable home without the drama of addiction.
I was 9 when he left. I'm 43 now and have never seen him or heard from him.
Due to his issues I long ago figured he was probably dead. Found out from my mom 2 years ago he's alive and have no desire to look for him.
Your kids are better off without the drama in my opinion you're right to move on. Good luck and hugs!
I was 9 when he left. I'm 43 now and have never seen him or heard from him.
Due to his issues I long ago figured he was probably dead. Found out from my mom 2 years ago he's alive and have no desire to look for him.
Your kids are better off without the drama in my opinion you're right to move on. Good luck and hugs!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Hi there! I asked the same question myself and the carguysgirl hit the nail on the head! I was also told I would need to advertise it in the newspaper and if I didn't get a response, I could proceed with filing for an absolute divorce. You might want to ask the magistrate in your county to confirm that's the way to go, or just get the advice of a local attorney. Best of luck to you
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Here in Illinois you have to run a publication in the paper.
3 Step Divorce: Divorce by Publication - Missing Spouse
Hope, this helps
3 Step Divorce: Divorce by Publication - Missing Spouse
Hope, this helps
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
You have tried to find him.
I'd move on to the next step and publish the divorce intention if you can.
I think you should consult / retain a divorce lawyer to be sure it's legal--I wouldn't rely on a family member paralegal in case there are issues / problems and you don't want to get in a family tiff over wrong information. Just a suggestion.
I'd move on to the next step and publish the divorce intention if you can.
I think you should consult / retain a divorce lawyer to be sure it's legal--I wouldn't rely on a family member paralegal in case there are issues / problems and you don't want to get in a family tiff over wrong information. Just a suggestion.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
He was served. I need to post an update soon. I found him and a lot has happened since last time I posted. @ Hawkeye, my step sister's boss is a family lawyer and has been helping me but he's moving his practice to SC soon so another lawyer is taking stuff over.
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