mistyeye

So my Abf, who had been gone for 3 weeks without a word from him, said he was coming home today. It is now 5:45pm. No word no nothing. If he doesnt show up I am done. My emotions and my heart cant take this anymore. I was doing better till he showed up last night. Telling me loves me and feels like he has failed us. Wouldn't come in because he was suppose to be working tomorrow and had to stay at his friends. He is so lost and I am so angry and sad and confused. Why did he show up last night. I didn't give him anything. I am just so frustrated and confused. But i do know that I am not going to have any contact with him if he doesn't show up. What he did to us was cruel and to keep coming back when he feels like it is really cruel. I am not a poor sappy girl who has a crush. I am a grown woman with children. I do not like head games and so much drama and that is what it has been for 5 months. I guess the saying is fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.

jjj111

Mistyeye, maybe it would be worth spending some time thinking about what your boundaries are? What do you need/expect from a relationship? What are you willing to put up with, and what will be the consequences when a relationship doesn't meet your needs? Is leaving for three weeks OK, and if not what is the consequence when this happens? Is drug use OK? You deserve to have your needs met, but only you can make that happen by deciding what you will and won't put up with.

zoso77

Because he's an addict, and that's what addicts do.

What's best for your son?

suki44883

You see what just one crumb from him has done to you? You are watching the clock waiting on him to show up just because he said he would. You are anxious and you are nervous and your mind is going in a dozen different directions.

You and your son deserve better than this.

Marcus

Sorry to hear that Misty and I am not going to pile on because I know you are hurting. What I said a week ago or so still holds true. If you would just read your words and realize it sounds to me like he has the upper hand - he controls the situation. He leaves you and your son high and dry for 3 weeks without any explanation and then shows up and you are hugging him and begging him to come home and stay the night.

I am sure it hurts, but now you are basically saying to him hey it is okay you just SH*T all over me and our child, but I am ready to forgive you. He probably smiled and thought to himself WOW I have her right where I want her! Of course he didn't come back - he figured he can go back out and keep on doing drugs and whatever other nonsense he is up to and show back up in another week or two and you will still be there waiting with open arms.

Say he does come back. Stays for a few days then disappears again? Maybe you leave him home with your child for an hour so you can take a breath for yourself and something unspeakable happens? How could you even begin to trust him again? You keep saying I am done if he doesn't show up tonight, but tomorrow it will be if he doesn't show up today I am done then the next day same thing. It is like an addict in reverse who says OKAY I am going to get high today then I am done! Then tomorrow it is okay I will just use today then I am done. I am sorry to say this, but his addict mentality is rubbing off on you. He is now YOUR addiction! He is making you sicker than you even realize. You can put a stop to it. Hopefully it will not be as hard as it is for him to put down the dope because your child needs you. You are your little boys only hope! Please take a look at your child and realize enough is enough. Reach out for help - get to some meetings - see a therapist. Whatever it takes. Your life is NOT OVER. You can get out from under this and you and your child deserve SO MUCH MORE! Take Care and protect yourself and your baby boy!

hopeful4

And why is it taking this time to make you be done? What he is doing is using you. When the drugs run out, the friends run out, and the money runs out, he runs to you and you are going to accept him with open arms??

What about YOU and YOUR CHILD?? This will continue to get worse with an addict in your life. Is this really what you want the future for your child to look like??

No is a complete sentence.

djlook

I think what has made me so "crazy" is trying to figure out "why" the addict doesn't have his priorities in order. But he does have his priorities in order for him. His drugs take precedence over everybody and everything good he could have in his life. Wives, girlfriends, children, shelter, food, others' peace of mind, everything good in life pales in comparison to that few minutes' high. They're willing to pay the price for a few minutes of oblivion. And that's just the way it is.

mistyeye

This sucks. I am so angry now. He used me and lied to me. I just want to punch him in the nose. How can you mess with peoples emotions and lives like this. It is totally unfair. I cared and gave all I had to him and he just gives it up for drugs. Well he best stay away because I am so done and angry that I dont know what I would do right now.

zoso77

Misty,

You're trying to put his behavior within the context of what a mature, responsible adult should do. And he's not a mature, responsible adult. It's like putting a square peg in a round hole.

Addiction is a disease not only of the body, but of the mind and the soul. AnvilHead made some really cogent remarks the other day about how that is extremely difficult to understand unless you've been there. The only thing he cares about right now is drugs. Never mind the fact that he's slowly killing himself. The only thing that matters is that feeling of ecstasy when he's under the influence.

So if it doesn't matter to him that he's slowly killing himself, then why do you expect him to care about how much he's hurt you and how he's abandoned his parental responsibilities?

At this moment, I strongly encourage you to find and attend a local Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting. You're vulnerable enough right now that in-person support is critical to get through these next few days and weeks.

He is what he is. And whether you like it or not, you have to accept it. Otherwise, you'll stay stuck. And with a 10 month old under your care, you can't afford to be stuck.

Be safe.

AnvilheadII

awww mistyeye - it just flat blows. you WANTED to believe him....hope that maybe he'd be different, he'd DO different.....for those of us who have BTDT Got the T-shirt and sold hotdogs, it was pretty textbook.

i'm glad you're mad. best NOT to actually punch anyone, but god thinking about it can sure feel good for a minute! finish packing up his stuff, separate whatever needs separating....not sure how you guys stood with finances and bank accounts, phone plans, etc., if he's on the rental/lease agreement. probably best to get the locks changed too. just cuz.

and see if you can find any local Alanon or Naranon meetings around...you may find the face to face contact really helpful.

djlook

"Last night my ABF showed up. All i did was cry in his arms. I was weak. I missed him so much. He said he was sorry and he was trying to get a job because we have nothing. He said he failed me and our baby. I couldnt yell I couldnt tell him anything except that was cruel of him to leave us without a word. I told him to come inside but he wouldnt. He was going to stay at his friends and go to work and come home today. I prayed to God to bring my real bf back. Well maybe this was Him giving me closure. I dont think he is coming home. He doesnt want to eat humble pie. He said he needed to find us our own place. I am so confused. Part of me wants him to be true to his word and come home. The part of me cant take the feeling that he will leave again and I will have this pain all over again. I finished packing his stuff and he shows up. If he would just ask for help. I have been up since four. Sick to my stomach. I am just so messed up. Thank you all for listening me gripe. I just need to vent and get support because this is hard especially if I had to do it alone."

It ain't going to get any better.

lucky236

Im sorry but you deserve better. Its impossible to love an addict because they dont know how to love. They are in fact flawed and their reality of life and how to treat others is very skewed. No contact for three weeks? If he cared enough he would call you. It seems to me hes using you, leave him he will keep hurting you till you are feeling so low and drained that it will be hard to pick up the pieces again.

Ann

My favourite author on codependency, Melody Beattie, said once "Nothing is more frustrating than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give."

I can't tell you how many times I had to re-read that when my son let me down, saying one thing and doing another.

They are simply incapable of keeping their promises, not even to themselves.

Please don't put your life on hold waiting for things to be different. "Feel" how you feel now and then decide that you will never feel that bad again...and don't.

He may not change, but you can and you can start today, right now. Find a meeting and go, I promise you will be glad you did.

Hugs