Invitation to XABF Grad Ceremony
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Invitation to XABF Grad Ceremony
Oh, SR Family, help! Judging from the tears that are threatening to fall and the shakiness as I'm typing this, I need to think this one through, and am asking for any input.
My XABF emailed to say he is graduating from his treatment program tomorrow and if I would like to come, it's at X:00.
I emailed back and said "Congratulations! I'm very proud of you. Where is it at?" I assume it's at the Tx center, but can't be too sure.
Should I go? I am very proud of him for completing treatment, and I would love to be there and show my support.
My XABF emailed to say he is graduating from his treatment program tomorrow and if I would like to come, it's at X:00.
I emailed back and said "Congratulations! I'm very proud of you. Where is it at?" I assume it's at the Tx center, but can't be too sure.
Should I go? I am very proud of him for completing treatment, and I would love to be there and show my support.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Aurora,
I'll say two things.
1) What does your gut tell you?
2) Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of your choice?
If you can answer those two questions honestly, then you can figure this one out on your own.
Take care.
I'll say two things.
1) What does your gut tell you?
2) Are you prepared to deal with the consequences of your choice?
If you can answer those two questions honestly, then you can figure this one out on your own.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
wow, that's not real clear cut...is it? i mean yay to anyone who completes treatment, that SHOULD be acknowledged in some way. and it's nice for you to know that at least for now he's on a better path than he was.
so can you do this and stay inside yourself? so that you two don't hop in the car and drive to Vegas and get married or something???
can you just honor the accomplishment? of ALL those present?
so can you do this and stay inside yourself? so that you two don't hop in the car and drive to Vegas and get married or something???
can you just honor the accomplishment? of ALL those present?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
If it were me, I would not go. You've already congratulated him and I'd just leave it at that. Besides, he might not respond with the location of the graduation anyway. Even if he does, I wouldn't go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
I am going to go tomorrow. I don't think I would be happy with myself later if I didn't go.
No, no, no Vegas wedding! (Here's where neither confirm nor deny I plan on marrying in Vegas rather than a Church.)
He did write back and tell me where. Asked that I let him know as soon as I could becuase he's got to put me down. He said to leave a message for him and that he would call later. We'll see.
His dad called, to make sure X contacted me. His dad is tasked with calling the family, but told X he had to be the one to call me, he wouldn't do it. He said that X's plan is to move to a sober living/transitional housing when a bed opens up. He could stay at his brothers in the meantime.
I left a message with his counselor.
I have no expectations other than to probably cry a little tomorrow. I am proud of him. I told him when we broke up that if I had to be out of his life, I will. I can still say that. I'm far enough away I know to take it at face value. He's not asking me to Vegas to get married, he's not asking me to get back together, he's asking me to come to his graduation. I also figure that I can see how he's doing. Last time I saw him, I was able to recognize his game. Hopefully I'm far enough away I can see right through the tricks. I can with everyone else.
Thank you for the input.
No, no, no Vegas wedding! (Here's where neither confirm nor deny I plan on marrying in Vegas rather than a Church.)
He did write back and tell me where. Asked that I let him know as soon as I could becuase he's got to put me down. He said to leave a message for him and that he would call later. We'll see.
His dad called, to make sure X contacted me. His dad is tasked with calling the family, but told X he had to be the one to call me, he wouldn't do it. He said that X's plan is to move to a sober living/transitional housing when a bed opens up. He could stay at his brothers in the meantime.
I left a message with his counselor.
I have no expectations other than to probably cry a little tomorrow. I am proud of him. I told him when we broke up that if I had to be out of his life, I will. I can still say that. I'm far enough away I know to take it at face value. He's not asking me to Vegas to get married, he's not asking me to get back together, he's asking me to come to his graduation. I also figure that I can see how he's doing. Last time I saw him, I was able to recognize his game. Hopefully I'm far enough away I can see right through the tricks. I can with everyone else.
Thank you for the input.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would not go. I would send a congratulations. Reason....he is your X. This is a very easy way to fall right back in. He is graduating, that is a great thing. Now he needs some very real time on his own to prove his behaviors.
Just my .02
Just my .02
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Thanks all. I ended up going. I guess I probably knew that all along, but I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.
It was actually pretty good. Heavy. But good. X looks good and healthy. His mom and little sister were there. He, we, his counselors, his PO, and other residents all sat in a circle and everyone got to say a piece for X. I didn't know that I would be asked to talk. Just kept it simple and said thank you for inviting me, I'm proud of you, and I'm excited to see where he goes next. During his turn, he thanked me for coming, and said we'd been through hell and back and have a lot more to go through.
He moved into a sober living home. He's not happy they want him to stay six months, minimum of three. Oh well. It's that or jail, I think he said are his options. He does want to get a job. Two actually.
A big thing I heard him say today is we had a friend talking about someone she visited in the hospital having a colostomy bag. She asked us if we would be ok with that, because she heard others say they'd rather die than have one of those, or to lose a limb. X said oh no put it on, I want to live--that's a big change from what he was saying this summer. That's good.
His little sister and I took him to get groceries. And tomorrow wants to come by the Shop for some braids.
Again, I am NOT eloping to Vegas. I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm not planning our future together. In fact, I'm surprised with myself because I'm not fawning over him like I thought I might. He said he'd call about going to the store, and I think before I would have been staring at my phone wondering if he was going to call. Instead, I met a friend for lunch and didn't even think about it until the phone rang. He broke my trust and will have to work to get it back. It's a long way to go. But like I told him over the summer, I can be the best friend you'll ever have. But it works both ways.
One day at a time, right? Even now, his cousin just called and I offered to patch him through to X. Cousin said nah not tonight just tell him hey. Well, normally I'd use that as an excuse to call X and chat. Nope. Not today. I'll just tell him when I see him. We had a good day today, and I'll quit while I'm ahead.
Ok, enough rambling. Thank you, again.
It was actually pretty good. Heavy. But good. X looks good and healthy. His mom and little sister were there. He, we, his counselors, his PO, and other residents all sat in a circle and everyone got to say a piece for X. I didn't know that I would be asked to talk. Just kept it simple and said thank you for inviting me, I'm proud of you, and I'm excited to see where he goes next. During his turn, he thanked me for coming, and said we'd been through hell and back and have a lot more to go through.
He moved into a sober living home. He's not happy they want him to stay six months, minimum of three. Oh well. It's that or jail, I think he said are his options. He does want to get a job. Two actually.
A big thing I heard him say today is we had a friend talking about someone she visited in the hospital having a colostomy bag. She asked us if we would be ok with that, because she heard others say they'd rather die than have one of those, or to lose a limb. X said oh no put it on, I want to live--that's a big change from what he was saying this summer. That's good.
His little sister and I took him to get groceries. And tomorrow wants to come by the Shop for some braids.
Again, I am NOT eloping to Vegas. I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm not planning our future together. In fact, I'm surprised with myself because I'm not fawning over him like I thought I might. He said he'd call about going to the store, and I think before I would have been staring at my phone wondering if he was going to call. Instead, I met a friend for lunch and didn't even think about it until the phone rang. He broke my trust and will have to work to get it back. It's a long way to go. But like I told him over the summer, I can be the best friend you'll ever have. But it works both ways.
One day at a time, right? Even now, his cousin just called and I offered to patch him through to X. Cousin said nah not tonight just tell him hey. Well, normally I'd use that as an excuse to call X and chat. Nope. Not today. I'll just tell him when I see him. We had a good day today, and I'll quit while I'm ahead.
Ok, enough rambling. Thank you, again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
I'm glad things are going well. I think it's good you went, bc successful completion of treatment is no small achievement. But I do think it's good you keep him at arms length. Stay focused on yourself. I hope everything keeps going how it has been going.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Aurora, this will be my final contribution to this thread.
One of the common things I see around here is people giving themselves permission to do things that aren't in their best interests. And they do so despite evidence that when they do so, they undercut themselves.
When I see people do this, I'm torn as to what to say. On the one hand, I recognize that people are going to do what they're going to do and have to find their own way. But on the other hand, I feel I have an obligation to share what my experiences are when it comes to doing things that aren't in our best interests. So, take what you like and leave the rest.
The reason why we give ourselves permission to stay coupled to the addict, despite knowing they're toxic to us, is because we don't want to grieve their loss and their absence in our lives. We do it because we're afraid of those feelings of loss and the pain that comes with it. And I understand it because I've been there on more than one occasion.
In your case, this is some of what you've told us about your AXBF: he's lost custody of a child, he's cheated on you at least twice, he started up a new relationship with someone while in his program, he threw a water balloon at you during a party, and he can't wait to start smoking weed again.
By any standard, he's an AAAAA a$$hole.
And yet, you choose to stay coupled to him. You've chosen to go to his family functions, and you've chosen to go to his graduation.
I'm going to disagree a little bit with MLH2282; successful completion of treatment, in my estimation, means nothing unless the addict makes a complete, sustained commitment to becoming a mature, responsible person. And there is no evidence to date that your AXBF is interested in becoming one of those.
When you asked what you should do -- go or not go to his graduation -- I answered the way I did I knew that you were going to go regardless of what anyone here said. Which is, of course, your right. But the price that you pay is you undercut yourself. In spite of the fact -- and it is a fact -- that he's an AAAAA a$$hole and has treated you horribly, he doesn't pay a price for that. You let him off the hook by continuing to allow him to be in your outer orbit. This gives him permission down the road to treat you horribly again because your boundaries are so permeable, and addicts love to surround themselves with people that won't hold them accountable.
And if I were to guess why you allow this in spite of what you surely know to be true, it's because you don't want to mourn his loss and his absence from your life.
Do you know what I did when my AXGF confessed with glee she f*cked other guys behind my back?
I deleted her contact information. I blocked her number. I made a ***** filter that would take any email from her and put it in the trash. I deleted all the pictures I had of her on my phone and my computers. And on every occasion in the past 3 years she has tried to provoke me into engaging with her again, I have ignored it and have changed my phone number. This included her coming to my house when I wasn't home to give back a ring that I gave her for her birthday and a CD of my band's music.
I kept the CD, threw her ring in a sewer (I didn't want anyone to be influenced by her foul nature embedded in that ring) and didn't respond to her provocation.
Contrast this response to your response when your AXBF cheated on you.
A buddy of mine, a very, very dear friend, spoke with around the time that my AXGF and I broke up. He's got license to tell me how it is, and when he speaks, I listen. He told me straight up he was disappointed with how I had handled things to that point because I didn't put myself first. And he wanted to know when I was going to do that. That was tough to hear, but I knew he was right.
So I put myself first. No more games. No more engaging with a sick person. No more giving myself permission to do things that undercut me. No more bullsh*t. I worked on me, and that meant putting as much distance between me and my AXGF as possible.
Your will have to find your own path, Aurora. But in order to do that, you have to be honest about why you continue to have your AXBF in your life. From my vantage point, your boundaries are non-existent. If someone like your AXBF is someone that you want in your life, that's your choice. But just because you want something doesn't mean it's good for you. And from everything you've described about him, he's bad news.
Take care.
One of the common things I see around here is people giving themselves permission to do things that aren't in their best interests. And they do so despite evidence that when they do so, they undercut themselves.
When I see people do this, I'm torn as to what to say. On the one hand, I recognize that people are going to do what they're going to do and have to find their own way. But on the other hand, I feel I have an obligation to share what my experiences are when it comes to doing things that aren't in our best interests. So, take what you like and leave the rest.
The reason why we give ourselves permission to stay coupled to the addict, despite knowing they're toxic to us, is because we don't want to grieve their loss and their absence in our lives. We do it because we're afraid of those feelings of loss and the pain that comes with it. And I understand it because I've been there on more than one occasion.
In your case, this is some of what you've told us about your AXBF: he's lost custody of a child, he's cheated on you at least twice, he started up a new relationship with someone while in his program, he threw a water balloon at you during a party, and he can't wait to start smoking weed again.
By any standard, he's an AAAAA a$$hole.
And yet, you choose to stay coupled to him. You've chosen to go to his family functions, and you've chosen to go to his graduation.
I'm going to disagree a little bit with MLH2282; successful completion of treatment, in my estimation, means nothing unless the addict makes a complete, sustained commitment to becoming a mature, responsible person. And there is no evidence to date that your AXBF is interested in becoming one of those.
When you asked what you should do -- go or not go to his graduation -- I answered the way I did I knew that you were going to go regardless of what anyone here said. Which is, of course, your right. But the price that you pay is you undercut yourself. In spite of the fact -- and it is a fact -- that he's an AAAAA a$$hole and has treated you horribly, he doesn't pay a price for that. You let him off the hook by continuing to allow him to be in your outer orbit. This gives him permission down the road to treat you horribly again because your boundaries are so permeable, and addicts love to surround themselves with people that won't hold them accountable.
And if I were to guess why you allow this in spite of what you surely know to be true, it's because you don't want to mourn his loss and his absence from your life.
Do you know what I did when my AXGF confessed with glee she f*cked other guys behind my back?
I deleted her contact information. I blocked her number. I made a ***** filter that would take any email from her and put it in the trash. I deleted all the pictures I had of her on my phone and my computers. And on every occasion in the past 3 years she has tried to provoke me into engaging with her again, I have ignored it and have changed my phone number. This included her coming to my house when I wasn't home to give back a ring that I gave her for her birthday and a CD of my band's music.
I kept the CD, threw her ring in a sewer (I didn't want anyone to be influenced by her foul nature embedded in that ring) and didn't respond to her provocation.
Contrast this response to your response when your AXBF cheated on you.
A buddy of mine, a very, very dear friend, spoke with around the time that my AXGF and I broke up. He's got license to tell me how it is, and when he speaks, I listen. He told me straight up he was disappointed with how I had handled things to that point because I didn't put myself first. And he wanted to know when I was going to do that. That was tough to hear, but I knew he was right.
So I put myself first. No more games. No more engaging with a sick person. No more giving myself permission to do things that undercut me. No more bullsh*t. I worked on me, and that meant putting as much distance between me and my AXGF as possible.
Your will have to find your own path, Aurora. But in order to do that, you have to be honest about why you continue to have your AXBF in your life. From my vantage point, your boundaries are non-existent. If someone like your AXBF is someone that you want in your life, that's your choice. But just because you want something doesn't mean it's good for you. And from everything you've described about him, he's bad news.
Take care.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
During his turn, he thanked me for coming, and said we'd been through hell and back and have a lot more to go through.
Ultimately, the decision is yours.
There are plenty of nice faithful men out there who are not convicted felons and are not on drugs. Don't you believe you deserve the best?
edited to add: I am not saying go out there right this minute and start dating, you might want to be dating yourself for a while
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Don't you feel like a fool? I'd feel like a fool. Asking you to attend his graduation? And you did? You're not done yet, Honey. That's one thing about this disease, it'll lie to you. And I apologize in advance if he's your boyfriend again because it sounds like he is. I just don't think you realize how cunning, baffling, and powerful this disease is. Hope this turns out the way you're romanticizing it will.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Thank you
I feel like an A who hasn't had enough, I think. And you probably feel like I feel.
No. No boyfriend. Not back together. We had a nice talk tonight. He was pretty honest with me, and I believe most of what he said.
I told him I didn't know if I could be his friend. Today I can. Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow.
He said he doesn't want a relationship with anybody for 6-12 months. Good. And I made it clear if we do remain in touch he is not to talk about girls around me. Or I will leave. I don't need or want to hear any of that.
It sometimes takes me a moment to process things. But now I know what he's trying to do. Have his cake and eat it too. Tell me we can be friends but still mess around when he wants. So its up to me to put up with that.
I kind of just feel like I picked him. He is my choice. But I'm not going to wait for him to realize that. He should! But he doesn't If someone comes along that's a better fit, then I will act then. But yes I am dating myself too.
I do like what he said. To take it a day at a time. If I don't like him tomorrow, then I don't have to stick around tomorrow. But yes I understand he just got out of treatment yesterday. I'm not trying to marry him.
Sorry for the probably disconnected post. I'm on my phone wishing I had a real keyboard.
I feel like an A who hasn't had enough, I think. And you probably feel like I feel.
No. No boyfriend. Not back together. We had a nice talk tonight. He was pretty honest with me, and I believe most of what he said.
I told him I didn't know if I could be his friend. Today I can. Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow.
He said he doesn't want a relationship with anybody for 6-12 months. Good. And I made it clear if we do remain in touch he is not to talk about girls around me. Or I will leave. I don't need or want to hear any of that.
It sometimes takes me a moment to process things. But now I know what he's trying to do. Have his cake and eat it too. Tell me we can be friends but still mess around when he wants. So its up to me to put up with that.
I kind of just feel like I picked him. He is my choice. But I'm not going to wait for him to realize that. He should! But he doesn't If someone comes along that's a better fit, then I will act then. But yes I am dating myself too.
I do like what he said. To take it a day at a time. If I don't like him tomorrow, then I don't have to stick around tomorrow. But yes I understand he just got out of treatment yesterday. I'm not trying to marry him.
Sorry for the probably disconnected post. I'm on my phone wishing I had a real keyboard.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Aurora, it sounds like you are listening a lot to his words. I found with my AXBF that words could be confusing and it was better for me to listen to his actions, because he was good at saying things that made me feel better while doing things that made me sad/confused/angry/etc. Maybe this would help you, too, to listen to his actions and see if you really like what you're hearing. That's great that he went to rehab, but keep in mind that it was court-ordered and he had no choice. And from what you've shared in the past, the last time he was in a halfway house, he pretty quickly started using again and ended up in the legal jam he's in now. Honestly, it sounds to me like right now he is making sure he's still got you hooked into his life while also keeping his options open so that he can use, date other women, etc.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Aurora, you did what you felt you wanted to do and there is nothing wrong with that. Even if it was a bad choice you would learn from it and grow. I'm glad it went well for everyone.
That said...the real recovery begins when he leaves rehab. That's when they have the tools and know how to use them...but they have to choose to use them when the going gets rough. It's about accepting life on life's terms, good days and bad, without turning to drugs or alcohol or reverting to bad behaviour and excusing it all because "grandma died" or "I didn't get the job" or "I got fired" or "I stubbed my toe and it hurt". I saw this happen with my son and really really hope it doesn't happen with you.
At the end of the day, I hope this all has one happy ending. Sometimes that happens and we never know when it may.
Just take good care of yourself in the meantime, and keep your eyes open and your heart protected until a fair amount of time has passed...as in months or a year, not days.
Good luck.
Hugs
That said...the real recovery begins when he leaves rehab. That's when they have the tools and know how to use them...but they have to choose to use them when the going gets rough. It's about accepting life on life's terms, good days and bad, without turning to drugs or alcohol or reverting to bad behaviour and excusing it all because "grandma died" or "I didn't get the job" or "I got fired" or "I stubbed my toe and it hurt". I saw this happen with my son and really really hope it doesn't happen with you.
At the end of the day, I hope this all has one happy ending. Sometimes that happens and we never know when it may.
Just take good care of yourself in the meantime, and keep your eyes open and your heart protected until a fair amount of time has passed...as in months or a year, not days.
Good luck.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by djlook 
Don't you feel like a fool? I'd feel like a fool. Asking you to attend his graduation? And you did? You're not done yet, Honey. That's one thing about this disease, it'll lie to you. And I apologize in advance if he's your boyfriend again because it sounds like he is. I just don't think you realize how cunning, baffling, and powerful this disease is. Hope this turns out the way you're romanticizing it will.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I don't think you are a fool. It was a choice. It only matters how you feel about it in your heart and brain.
While I don't necessarily agree that going was the right choice, I certainly don't see you as a fool.
While I don't necessarily agree that going was the right choice, I certainly don't see you as a fool.
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