BreesGram

I have been on here since last week reading threads and feel like can tell my story a little. My 30 year old daughter's boyfriend whom she's been with since they were teens, is a heroin (and anything else he can abuse) drug addict. He is in drug detox/rehab (it's never really rehab because he only ever stay 2-3 weeks isn't that more like detox than rehab?) for the 4th or 5th time. He went because he was caught on tape (after the fact) stealing $100.00 in meat from a grocery store which he later sold for $50.00 for drug money. He also took my debit card for my bank account which my daughter has her own card for (she has two children and I don't want her to not be able to take care of them, so it's meant for when she absolutely has no choice but to use my money) and took my daughter's car whilst she was sleeping, having no license and no insurance and went to ATM and withdrew money from my account. So he did what he always does he high tails it back to detox and thinks when he gets out, we should forget about all the deceptions, lies, betrayal and thievery. He will promise me just like he does every time that he's going to go to counseling, he's going to go to support groups and yada, yada, yada which I now recognize as empty promises that will NEVER come to fruition. Now my daughter lives in my house. I don't live there. They have lived in this house for 10 years. When I left there I wanted my grand daughter to have the same childhood that my daughter had with a nice house to live in and a pool in the back yard so instead of selling it I have let them live there. They have never paid any rent. I kept waiting and waiting for her boyfriend to get his act together and help me pay the taxes on this house which are quite considerable. I have come to realize (seriously, just like a revelation) that by allowing this man to come back into my house to live with my daughter each time that I am enabling him. His mother is dead (she died about 8 years ago of lung cancer) so he has no where to go which is how he always convinces me to let him come back. Of course, there's my obviously super enabling daughter that helps convince me that he's going to be good this time as well. Now this time my daughter (and I have insisted) has told him that he has to go to a group home for 6 months this time but in my heart I don't think that will even be enough and I really don't want him to ever come back and live in my house. Things are further complicated by my daughter just recently learning she is pregnant (they also have an almost 12 year old and 2 year old) which I am devastated about. I know the mommy hormones are making her want to have an intact family but I don't think it's ever going to be realistic with this man? I could go on and on about what a total loser this guy is even without the drug addiction. He comes from a horrible dysfunctional family. His mother was an alcoholic, his dad left his mother and 2 other siblings when he was just little for a promising career selling drugs in Florida! He has no education outside of high school which he barely graduated from and supposedly has ADHD and gets $800.00 a month SSI, that's it. Every job he has ever had, he either quits or gets fired from. He has a felony for robbing someone with friends when he was 17 or 18 with a water gun that looked like a real gun so was charged as though it was a real gun so he can't get a real job because of that. He has no license or car because he was driving in the winter with no car insurance and wrecked into someone so he quickly dumped his car to get rid of evidence and ended up having to pay for the woman's car damages and fines so lost license too. Every which way you look, his life is a disaster. I can't think of one "normal" person in his family. So there's NO support system there whatsoever. In fact, I recently messaged his younger sister about him, what he did and that he's in rehab AGAIN and it was completely ignored. This man has been MY responsibility since his mother died (or at least I have been made or allowed myself to feel responsible for him). He tells me that I am his only mother in this world (I have known since he was 15) but I have come to realize that this too is a manipulation. BTW - I should say that when they were young I never liked this kid and I could tell that was nothing but trouble but I was not able to successfully keep them apart and then at 19 my daughter got pregnant to him. I feel like a complete failure. I should have tried harder to keep them apart but the other side of my brain knows that I really couldn't. My daughter was determined to be with him. Now in retrospect (I don't know why never thought of this or saw it before but so clear to me now), I know that he was always a con artist and attracted to my daughter most likely because she came from totally different life than him. She lived in a nice home with an in ground pool in the back yard. When she was 16 she got a brand new car (Mitzubishi Eclipse) for her birthday and when she didn't like that because it was too small for her and all her friends she got a brand new Montero SUV for her 17th birthday and he came from absolute poverty. My daughter used to feel sorry for him because his mom wouldn't buy him the bare necessities like underwear and shoes even though she was obviously receiving money from the government for his ADHD disability (she also received for his brother as well and he's big time druggie too!) to do just that, so my daughter would buy him his sneakers and socks and underwear. So I think he saw our family as practically millionaires (we weren't just upper middle class)? He's been taking advantage of our soft hearts ever since. I don't know how to be tough? I know I need to get really hard and tough. I am so grateful for this forum. In my circles, I can't even talk to my friends or co-workers about any of this because they would be aghast if they found out their children were even smoking cigarettes let alone hard intravenous heroin. I can't even talk about this to my fiancé who is very intelligent nuclear engineer who doesn't relate to any of this insanity (I wouldn't be able to either if this man wouldn't have come into our lives!) and is just so cut and dried and pragmatic about all this so I feel so alone most of the time with no one to vent to or anything.

BreesGram

I'm sorry I posted this twice. I don't know how to remove the second one. I didn't see the post so thought it didn't post?

Txhelp

it sounds like you want to do something different. We have all been there in various forms. I am glad that you are here...it's a great support system.

Maybe a book might be in line.....Codependent No More by Melony Beattie was a great eye opener. Read the stickies above and get some support. Detaching is difficult and different for us all.

BreesGram

I DO want to do something different this time. One thing I've come to realize is that being understanding, sympathetic and empathetic with an addict is use a recipe for more pain and torment for both of us. It IS time to try a completely different tactic. I mean this isn't even MY son! Idk how I got sucked into all this insanity?

zoso77

Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm an electrical engineer who just got my Masters last year. Pragmatism and reason are good things, things that we sometimes lose sight of.

Let me ask you something. What do you think is in your best interests?

BreesGram

Oh wow Zoso77, I just read your post and my mind doesn't even think about what's best for me? I don't really even entertain that kind of thinking. I'm always so worried about my daughter and her children. Even to think that way feels so selfish.

zoso77

Time for some tough love. Buckle up.

It is precisely because you don't "entertain that kind of thinking" that you're in this situation.

Why is it OK for anyone to emotionally abuse you? Or to steal from you?

And then this:

Let's make one thing clear: he is not a child. He is a grown man who continually makes the wrong decisions at the wrong times. Nor is your daughter your responsibility.

There is a difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself. Selfish is going to Morton's with a friend, getting key lime pie for dessert, and not letting your friend have a bite and telling them to f**k off even though they ask politely.

Taking care of yourself is doing stuff like working out, watching your diet, and getting yearly physicals. And taking care of yourself also means not letting people like this heroin addict have their way with you.

It is time, BreesGram, way way past time, that you give yourself permission to put you first. And that means learning how to say one of the best words in the world: NO!!! Because if you don't, that means you can expect more of the same, or worse, every day. And that's clearly unacceptable.

ladyscribbler

I think you are feeling a lot of needless guilt. This guy is clearly pretty resourceful, I'm sure he will figure something out if you quit allowing him back into your lives. What does he contribute besides stress and heartache?
Stealing meat from a grocery store to feed his addiction is pretty bottom of the barrel. When was the last time he gave a penny to feed his own children? He is a grown man, a father, but he is being allowed to behave like a wayward child while you and your daughter support him.
Have you checked into Alanon or naranon meetings? That is where you can learn the tools to begin taking care of yourself and getting your priorities in order. Even if he never straightens himself up, you and your daughter can learn a better way to live, for your grandchildren's sake.

BreesGram

I know that you are right Zoso and that something different has to be done or I wouldn't even be on here. Reading all the posts on here are an immense help, I can read someone else's story and see so clearly what they did wrong or more like how they allowed themselves to be manipulated and taken advantage of to arrive where they are now, and what they need to do now to stop the insanity. So I am able to extrapolate it into my story and that is really helping me. Yesterday, on my way to work yesterday morning, I had another revelation that I am enabling my daughter so that she can enable him. I did entertain yesterday, the thought that I might have to sell the house if my daughter doesn't listen to me and not allow him back in the house. Talk about tough love, that would be so hard for me to do because it would really turn my daughter's world upside down because she isn't working (she is a dental hygienist that can only find temp work) and especially my 12 year old grand daughter who would be so devastated to suddenly be homeless. Come to think of it, that's why that really isn't a viable option. Does anyone have a similar situation? It's always the children that I think of. But I know for the children, that this insanity needs to stop. My heart aches so badly over the damage that's being done to their childhood with an irresponsible, epitome of selfishness, drug addict for a father. You are so wise Zoso.

BreesGram

Lady scribbler, you are so right on. He is very resourceful in his deceptiveness to figure out ways to steal money and steal things so that he can get money to get drugs. He gets a check for $800.00 a month for SSI because his mother had him declared ADHD when he was young and that is all he contributes to his children's well being and most of the time he doesn't even give my daughter the whole check and for a very long time until recently she received very little of that money per month. I told my daughter this morning that I was willing to sell the house if she lets him come back there. They have been living there for almost 10 years and have NEVER done any maintenance on the house and if something big goes wrong like air-conditioning or furnace they have no money to replace or even get repaired so it will have to take care of the situation. I really don't see what she sees in him because she looks to me for so much and I will be the first person she'll call if something big goes wrong. She can't really look to him for anything. Because he's fried his brains with drugs, he can't even think straight so problem solving skills are non-existent. Anyway, she got really upset with me. I know I need to be strong and do what's best for everyone concerned.

Ann

BreesGram, I have read here before the analogy of being on an airplane and the plane drops suddenly. Before we can help anyone else we have to put on our own oxygen masks.

It's like that when our kids are addicted. The best thing we can do is work our own recovery, then we can support and encourage theirs without interfering with the process and without getting hurt ourselves.

Hugs

BreesGram

I spoke with my daughter last night and incredulously to me, she is still hoping that this time in the rehab is going to work whilst I have given up on this man ever changing and getting himself straightened up. She says she can't give up on him because he has no one else. She told him that he needs to go to a group home for 6 months but he says he doesn't want to. He will say things like he'll go and stay with his aunt or someone else (because I am not allowing him back in my house) when I know none of those will be for more than a few days and then he'll beg to come back in the house again because he has no where to go. I told her that since he won't consider a group home then he doesn't REALLY want to get better. He's not ready to become totally clean and stay that way or he wouldn't be making excuses and trying to wiggle out of going to a group home. I know enough to recognize this. I asked her to join on here and read the stories so that she will be able to recognize when he's manipulating her. She said she doesn't need to because she thinks he's going to be better this time. I guess she's just like him, in the sense that can't help her either if she doesn't want help?

ladyscribbler

Your daughter has to take her recovery at her own pace. I know a couple of people who I would love to club over the head and drag to an Alanon meeting, but I also know it doesn't work that way. If the rehab has a family night, maybe encourage her to go with you, talk to the counselor, talk to the Alanon/Naranon outreach folks. That might encourage her to view this situation more realistically.
However, since they are all living under your roof, you get to make the rules and set the boundaries. He can't come back unless you cave in. If your daughter wants to live with this guy, they can stand on their own without you financing those choices.

BreesGram

ladyscribbler, I don't actually live in the house and am an hour and a half away in another town. I have told her that he cannot come back there to live though and especially if he doesn't do AT LEAST 6 months in a group home demonstrating that he can stay clean. I have told her that I'm going to sell the house. I feel such a release already just coming to that decision. The rehab where he's at is 3 hrs away and she has a young baby. They have offered her counseling with him that she doesn't feel can do because of the distance. I offered last night to go with her there because she would like to talk to the counselor about getting him to go to a group home. I can definitely see that she is very co-dependent on him. Being pregnant isn't helping matters. She says she is going to give the baby up for adoption if he's not clean by the time baby is due and she has told him this. It's such a mess. I don't believe he will ever change because he has no support system other than us, no job or career, education or anything. I think that makes a difference when you have something to work towards?

ladyscribbler

I wouldn't worry too much about what your daughter says. I made tons of empty threats to my AX.
There is no reliable predictor for which addicts sober up and which ones don't. My ex has a huge support system-parents, large extended family, the VA. He has an associates degree and is a few credit hours away from a bachelor degree. He could be going to school, he could find work through the vocational rehab program at the VA, he could get free detox and rehab anytime he chose to do so.
Instead he has systematically alienated and excluded every person and every thing in his life that interferes with his drinking. When one enabler finally wishes up and cuts him off, he finds another one ASAP.
I think that you are making some tough choices here, but that they will ultimately benefit your emotional and financial health. And once your daughter is on her own supporting the bf's dead weight she might start being more pragmatic in her choices regarding him and reach out for help herself.

biminiblue

He has a family. Your daughter and his children.

If that isn't enough for him to want to be clean, then he doesn't deserve them. He is throwing away the only people who love him.

His choice.

Txhelp

Ah...some great wisdom here. He has choices...many choices. He has a family but chooses to keep them at a distance with drug use.

I love the comment from ladyscribbler "I think that you are making some tough choices here, but that they will ultimately benefit your emotional and financial health. And once your daughter is on her own supporting the bf's dead weight she might start being more pragmatic in her choices regarding him and reach out for help herself. "

BreesGram

Yes thank you all for such great advice that I really already knew deep inside.

Sikofit

So hard--and the issue of grand kids make it harder, I'm sure.