New here and sharing my story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Pt Pleasant
Posts: 29
New here and sharing my story
Hello everyone! I am new here and have been lurking for awhile and wished to share my experience. Here goes :-)
I met my guy 4 years ago after moving to a new town and state for a job. We technically met at work. He wasn't like any other guy I've dated before. He was funny, outgoing, and something just captivated me. We were total opposites, but quickly became inseparable. After spending more time with him I noticed he was never sober in any manner...with alcohol or drugs. I drank once in awhile, but never had done drugs. We mainly hung out at the bar at first or my house because he was couch surfing when we met. He never took me out to eat or do the whole dating thing, but for some reason it seemed okay and I wanted to see where things were going. So after 3 months of knowing him.....him being homeless and all.....he moved in with me.. He was there all the time anyway, at the time I thought it was because he loved me, now I wonder if it wasn't for a place to crash. He always came home at night so I didn't really worry about what he was doing. I was blind to all the drugs and the extent of his partying, because I wasn't going to these parties with him. I really remember one night, he was so drunk and high..pot and pills, he was telling me about his past. Heroin, pills, stuff i didn't even know what there were, pot, alcohol, etc. I remember feeling sad for him and at the same time like holy crap, this isn't my lifestyle in anyway. And felt if I would leave him after telling me all this stuff he could end up in a worse place. He even talked about trying to kill himself as a teen. I guess I just continued to ignore all this because I loved him. He smoked pot 24/7 because he said that helped with his bi-polar and anxiety disorders he was diagnosed with. He didn't want to take meds for it and thought self medication was the answer for him. Which I grew to not care about, I mean I didn't smoke but if it helped him it seemed okay.
We were on and off for 4 years after the first year. I would leave and tell myself I couldn't take his lifestyle any longer, then he would convince my otherwise and we would get back together. He would say he wanted to stop the hard drugs but when he would say that it seemed he was doing them the most at those times. I tried to talk to him about it and help him. He would get mad and say I have never excepted his lifestyle and my doubt made him feel like crap about himself so therefore he doubted our whole relationship and his whole life. And I agree I didn't like his lifestyle but he was also saying he wanted to change it. And I really tired to help and support him as much as I could.
We started living together again these past months and nothing had changed. I paid for everything and he was still drinking and doing drugs. He was starting to not come home some nights. And that broke my heart. It made me sad and caused alot of fights. I wondered why he would rather be out partying and not coming home?! I know he wasn't cheating but It made me feel like I wasn't important or that he didn't respect me enough to come home. Sometimes I wouldn't know where he was because he wouldn't call. He would pass out and forget.
One night recently he didn't come home, I haven't heard from him, and it was 11:40 the next morning and the ER called me. They asked if I could pick him up and I said of course. I had no clue what was going on. I got there and he had overdosed. He was still out of his mind, as he was for the rest of the day going into the next morning. He told me how sorry he was and it wasn't his fault, it was suppose to be a different drug then he thought. His dad talked to me and told me he was afraid I would leave him. I stayed against my better judgement. This was the second time he had overdosed since we were together. He felt embarrassed and wouldn't talk to me much about it.
I was buying the groceries, toiletries, and any other going out expense so I was getting angry with where he was getting the money to go out partying with. He owes me $2,700 because I had to bail him out of jail a year ago for possession of coke and trying to sell coke. And he owed layer fees and other state fees that are involved. So I brought up the fact of his debt to me and others. I felt he should be paying people back before he should be spending on drugs and booze, of course this caused fights.
He also would say I didn't do things with him and I did. We have very different hobbies, I would go hiking and fishing with him and go out to the bar once in awhile. He said most girls would go out with him all the time and we wouldn't be fighting so much if I did. I reminded him that every time we go out to do things I had to pay. That made him angry and in his mind he thinks he paid for things. I picked up the tab if we went out together and if we grabbed food I paid as well. I was just getting tired of paying for everything.
He's a very talented person so he had a great job doing what he loved. He lost this job due to his most recent hospital visit for overdosing because he missed two days of work.
So a few nights ago he didn't come home after I asked him to please come home. He promised he would and that he wouldn't be out all night partying. I didn't believe him and he promised again. So he rolls in the next morning at 12 and I asked if he thought his behavior was okay. And he told me to get out, that he couldn't take it anymore. So I calmly packed my things and left. This was just as much my apartment. I paid the deposits to get us in there and paid half the rent. But I just couldn't do it anymore. Hurts my feelings and makes me mad all the same time knowing he was the one to breakup with me in the end. I felt like I had done so much for him and all I was asking was for him to come home at night.
I feel like this is just my fault for not trying to do more and for getting angry when he broke his promises to me. He just didn't do what he said he would do and I couldn't take it anymore either. I know I didn't like his behavior but I tried to be understanding, but I guess I slowly stopped. I miss him very much and still love him. He hasn't contacted me, I have been the one to contact him and to check on him. He said he hasn't been thinking about the breakup and that he didn't know if he missed me and that it was only sometimes that he did but it passed. I know we had our ups and downs, but man does it hurt knowing he could care less i'm gone. Seems so strange for all the times he begged me to come back and told me he missed me and that he didn't want to be without me to him now not caring. I guess he was tired of me being upset about him going out all the time. Even though he said he wants to stop doing it so much, he also says that's what he enjoys the most. He even drank on the job. He would do coke at work to help him get though the day and smoke weed. I just couldn't take that anymore. He was never sober or never not high on something.
Thanks for listening, I really don't have anyone to talk to about this and it feels good to get it off my chest. I know sometimes when you look back and read things like this is like duh! But it doesn't change that he was an important person in my life for 4 years. I worry about him and hope he takes care of himself.
I met my guy 4 years ago after moving to a new town and state for a job. We technically met at work. He wasn't like any other guy I've dated before. He was funny, outgoing, and something just captivated me. We were total opposites, but quickly became inseparable. After spending more time with him I noticed he was never sober in any manner...with alcohol or drugs. I drank once in awhile, but never had done drugs. We mainly hung out at the bar at first or my house because he was couch surfing when we met. He never took me out to eat or do the whole dating thing, but for some reason it seemed okay and I wanted to see where things were going. So after 3 months of knowing him.....him being homeless and all.....he moved in with me.. He was there all the time anyway, at the time I thought it was because he loved me, now I wonder if it wasn't for a place to crash. He always came home at night so I didn't really worry about what he was doing. I was blind to all the drugs and the extent of his partying, because I wasn't going to these parties with him. I really remember one night, he was so drunk and high..pot and pills, he was telling me about his past. Heroin, pills, stuff i didn't even know what there were, pot, alcohol, etc. I remember feeling sad for him and at the same time like holy crap, this isn't my lifestyle in anyway. And felt if I would leave him after telling me all this stuff he could end up in a worse place. He even talked about trying to kill himself as a teen. I guess I just continued to ignore all this because I loved him. He smoked pot 24/7 because he said that helped with his bi-polar and anxiety disorders he was diagnosed with. He didn't want to take meds for it and thought self medication was the answer for him. Which I grew to not care about, I mean I didn't smoke but if it helped him it seemed okay.
We were on and off for 4 years after the first year. I would leave and tell myself I couldn't take his lifestyle any longer, then he would convince my otherwise and we would get back together. He would say he wanted to stop the hard drugs but when he would say that it seemed he was doing them the most at those times. I tried to talk to him about it and help him. He would get mad and say I have never excepted his lifestyle and my doubt made him feel like crap about himself so therefore he doubted our whole relationship and his whole life. And I agree I didn't like his lifestyle but he was also saying he wanted to change it. And I really tired to help and support him as much as I could.
We started living together again these past months and nothing had changed. I paid for everything and he was still drinking and doing drugs. He was starting to not come home some nights. And that broke my heart. It made me sad and caused alot of fights. I wondered why he would rather be out partying and not coming home?! I know he wasn't cheating but It made me feel like I wasn't important or that he didn't respect me enough to come home. Sometimes I wouldn't know where he was because he wouldn't call. He would pass out and forget.
One night recently he didn't come home, I haven't heard from him, and it was 11:40 the next morning and the ER called me. They asked if I could pick him up and I said of course. I had no clue what was going on. I got there and he had overdosed. He was still out of his mind, as he was for the rest of the day going into the next morning. He told me how sorry he was and it wasn't his fault, it was suppose to be a different drug then he thought. His dad talked to me and told me he was afraid I would leave him. I stayed against my better judgement. This was the second time he had overdosed since we were together. He felt embarrassed and wouldn't talk to me much about it.
I was buying the groceries, toiletries, and any other going out expense so I was getting angry with where he was getting the money to go out partying with. He owes me $2,700 because I had to bail him out of jail a year ago for possession of coke and trying to sell coke. And he owed layer fees and other state fees that are involved. So I brought up the fact of his debt to me and others. I felt he should be paying people back before he should be spending on drugs and booze, of course this caused fights.
He also would say I didn't do things with him and I did. We have very different hobbies, I would go hiking and fishing with him and go out to the bar once in awhile. He said most girls would go out with him all the time and we wouldn't be fighting so much if I did. I reminded him that every time we go out to do things I had to pay. That made him angry and in his mind he thinks he paid for things. I picked up the tab if we went out together and if we grabbed food I paid as well. I was just getting tired of paying for everything.
He's a very talented person so he had a great job doing what he loved. He lost this job due to his most recent hospital visit for overdosing because he missed two days of work.
So a few nights ago he didn't come home after I asked him to please come home. He promised he would and that he wouldn't be out all night partying. I didn't believe him and he promised again. So he rolls in the next morning at 12 and I asked if he thought his behavior was okay. And he told me to get out, that he couldn't take it anymore. So I calmly packed my things and left. This was just as much my apartment. I paid the deposits to get us in there and paid half the rent. But I just couldn't do it anymore. Hurts my feelings and makes me mad all the same time knowing he was the one to breakup with me in the end. I felt like I had done so much for him and all I was asking was for him to come home at night.
I feel like this is just my fault for not trying to do more and for getting angry when he broke his promises to me. He just didn't do what he said he would do and I couldn't take it anymore either. I know I didn't like his behavior but I tried to be understanding, but I guess I slowly stopped. I miss him very much and still love him. He hasn't contacted me, I have been the one to contact him and to check on him. He said he hasn't been thinking about the breakup and that he didn't know if he missed me and that it was only sometimes that he did but it passed. I know we had our ups and downs, but man does it hurt knowing he could care less i'm gone. Seems so strange for all the times he begged me to come back and told me he missed me and that he didn't want to be without me to him now not caring. I guess he was tired of me being upset about him going out all the time. Even though he said he wants to stop doing it so much, he also says that's what he enjoys the most. He even drank on the job. He would do coke at work to help him get though the day and smoke weed. I just couldn't take that anymore. He was never sober or never not high on something.
Thanks for listening, I really don't have anyone to talk to about this and it feels good to get it off my chest. I know sometimes when you look back and read things like this is like duh! But it doesn't change that he was an important person in my life for 4 years. I worry about him and hope he takes care of himself.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us and took the time to post.
Where it's a Sunday night, I'm not sure how many of our members will be by to greet you, but I'm certain you'll hear from a few of them by tomorrow morning. So to hold you over, let me share a couple of my own thoughts.
Whether you're aware of this or not, this sentence encapsulates why the significant others of addicts and alcoholics find themselves in situations bad enough to seek us out. I'd be willing to bet you thought you could love him out of it. Even though he's an addict. Even though he's Bipolar and has anxiety issues.
Well, we can't love the addict out of it. Addiction is bad enough. Once you convolve a serious mood disorder with that, you've got a recipe for heartache. And I'm really sorry that you've gone through all this.
My hope is that you take advantage of what we have to offer, which is a lot of experience, strength and hope. And what I would encourage you to do is to look at your own choices and start asking yourself why you did what you did. Personal growth is often painful. But in the long term, what we learn about ourselves is often invaluable.
Again, Welcome to the Board, and have a good rest of the night.
Where it's a Sunday night, I'm not sure how many of our members will be by to greet you, but I'm certain you'll hear from a few of them by tomorrow morning. So to hold you over, let me share a couple of my own thoughts.
I guess I just continued to ignore all this because I loved him.
Well, we can't love the addict out of it. Addiction is bad enough. Once you convolve a serious mood disorder with that, you've got a recipe for heartache. And I'm really sorry that you've gone through all this.
My hope is that you take advantage of what we have to offer, which is a lot of experience, strength and hope. And what I would encourage you to do is to look at your own choices and start asking yourself why you did what you did. Personal growth is often painful. But in the long term, what we learn about ourselves is often invaluable.
Again, Welcome to the Board, and have a good rest of the night.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
As much as this hurts right now but I think you are wise to put some space between you. Sadly, he doesn't sound ready to give up the drugs any time soon and it's better sometimes to just take the pain of leaving rather than live in the daily pain of staying.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of useful information there.
I am glad you found us and hope you find some comfort and peace here.
Hugs
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of useful information there.
I am glad you found us and hope you find some comfort and peace here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
I makes me so very sad for the lovely ladies and gentlemen out there that hurt this way through addiction of a boyfriend, girlfriend and/or husband wife. I am not any of those - I am a mother. What I say I say with love - us Mom's and Dad's brought these kids into the world and whether we see them or not, enable them or let them walk this path alone; they will forever be with us. What I say with love to all of you that 'choose' your partner - protect yourself and do not remain in a relationship with an addict. You can 'choose' others without addiction and you also can 'choose' yourself over the love (but is it???) you feel for these people. After reliving every day the horror, theft, lies, manipulation, broken and dismembered family members and friends fledging and scraping through life as a result of my daughter's addiction, I pray that those of you that have truly a choice on a partner, choose yourself and healthy relationships over the addict. I know it is easier said then done and I know some of you got into the relationship not knowing your significant other was an addict, but honestly, after 10 years of missteps and wasted time for our family, I say RUN FORREST RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND LIVE YOUR LIFE!
Last edited by Amysad; 09-01-2014 at 06:51 AM. Reason: spellling and gramatical mistakes
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: CapeCod, MA
Posts: 842
Welcome. I think the best thing you did was leave. Do your best to stay away; I would not contact him. I read on the Board that addicts only love and live for one thing, and I believe that is the situation you are dealing with.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
After spending more time with him I noticed he was never sober in any manner...with alcohol or drugs. I drank once in awhile, but never had done drugs. We mainly hung out at the bar at first or my house because he was couch surfing when we met. He never took me out to eat or do the whole dating thing, but for some reason it seemed okay and I wanted to see where things were going. So after 3 months of knowing him.....him being homeless and all.....he moved in with me..
BIG HUGE RED FLAGS right out the gate. it's absolutely no surprise how the course of events unfolded. you rescued him, gave him a place to stay, paid for everything, did everything and meanwhile he........kept getting loaded. and heading off to party it up, not come home.
as long as you served a purpose, he let you stick around. now that you moved out, said enough is enough, he has no need for you anymore. i'm sorry to be blunt, but you just got steamrolled by an addict in active addiction who will do ANYTHING to protect his addiction. that is all he cares about. what others can do FOR him. he's a user.
BIG HUGE RED FLAGS right out the gate. it's absolutely no surprise how the course of events unfolded. you rescued him, gave him a place to stay, paid for everything, did everything and meanwhile he........kept getting loaded. and heading off to party it up, not come home.
as long as you served a purpose, he let you stick around. now that you moved out, said enough is enough, he has no need for you anymore. i'm sorry to be blunt, but you just got steamrolled by an addict in active addiction who will do ANYTHING to protect his addiction. that is all he cares about. what others can do FOR him. he's a user.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Pt Pleasant
Posts: 29
And no contact needs to be a must. He send me a bunch of messages today trying to make himself feel better I guess. Telling me how much it was my fault we broke up and blah blah blah. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Welcome! The comments that you have received are great. I would add that you really need to look inside yourself. Perhaps get a counselor or do some reading on codependency. It appears that you may have those qualities and they don't go away on their own.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 39
Amysad, I could not agree with you more. I wish to God my daughter would have ended her relationship with her addict boyfriend straight away as soon as she found out he was using drugs but she fell for all his manipulations, where will he live, what if he kills himself, what if she abandons him, he'll never get better, blah, blah, blah and Friday he went to rehab/detox for the 5th time! I can see that he's never going to change, I can see that NOTHING IN THIS WORLD is more important to him than his next drug fix but she still thinks this time will be a charm. Oh the grief, sadness and chaos the addict causes in all our lives, stealing, lying, master manipulating and deceiving.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Pt Pleasant
Posts: 29
Funny you say that. I picked up a copy of believe codepend no more? Last year after his first overdose because I was wondering why I stayed in the relationship after the overdose and bail out. Now to find it....I packed it up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Pt Pleasant
Posts: 29
So the ex called today and talked for 40 mins, made me pretty upset for sure.
He isn't doing well and he admitted to having a drinking problem...probably the first time I've heard him say that. He said he isn't sleeping so he's drinking more to sleep....who know's what else he's really doing either. Told me it was my fault we split because I didn't try to help him in a non angry way. Here I am second guessing myself now....Did I deal with things wrong?!
He said I should of been going out with him to make sure he got home because I knew he had a drinking problem. Stuff like he wanted a companion and everyone leaves him and no one loves him.....And I'm thinking...Am I going crazy? Isn't that what I tried to do?
He said I was the one to leave, that yes he told me to leave the apartment but he didn't mean for me to pack my things and go out of the state. I asked him why he didn't stop me as he watched me pack? He knew he made me that promise the night before and didn't come home. He said he just needed the space that day. So guess it's all my fault now!
I tried to be encouraging to him. He is very low about failed relationships. I asked him why other ones didn't work and it's the same reason ours didn't. I told him he needed to try to be more mature and stop the party, he's going to be 28 and I'm 31. I told him I needed and wanted a mature relationship with someone who can be my companion and partner. I told him it's not too late to change and be with someone lovely. He got depressed about that and said he didn't have a wife and didn't see the point in growing up and stopping the party now especially since he was alone.
He said he didn't want to end up like his parents(his father has a drinking problem, his mother has a pill problem, and his father is alone and has a new girl every night). I tried to be encouraging and tell him he could change and that it hurts watching him destroy himself. Again, he just didn't understand that and went into a complete opposite reasoning about what he didn't have and didn't see the point in changing now.
Am I missing something here? or is just trying to make me feel bad?
I promised myself that I will not talk to him anymore. It just has made my day terrible and I feel bad hearing him cry and being upset. Just makes this harder.
He isn't doing well and he admitted to having a drinking problem...probably the first time I've heard him say that. He said he isn't sleeping so he's drinking more to sleep....who know's what else he's really doing either. Told me it was my fault we split because I didn't try to help him in a non angry way. Here I am second guessing myself now....Did I deal with things wrong?!
He said I should of been going out with him to make sure he got home because I knew he had a drinking problem. Stuff like he wanted a companion and everyone leaves him and no one loves him.....And I'm thinking...Am I going crazy? Isn't that what I tried to do?
He said I was the one to leave, that yes he told me to leave the apartment but he didn't mean for me to pack my things and go out of the state. I asked him why he didn't stop me as he watched me pack? He knew he made me that promise the night before and didn't come home. He said he just needed the space that day. So guess it's all my fault now!
I tried to be encouraging to him. He is very low about failed relationships. I asked him why other ones didn't work and it's the same reason ours didn't. I told him he needed to try to be more mature and stop the party, he's going to be 28 and I'm 31. I told him I needed and wanted a mature relationship with someone who can be my companion and partner. I told him it's not too late to change and be with someone lovely. He got depressed about that and said he didn't have a wife and didn't see the point in growing up and stopping the party now especially since he was alone.
He said he didn't want to end up like his parents(his father has a drinking problem, his mother has a pill problem, and his father is alone and has a new girl every night). I tried to be encouraging and tell him he could change and that it hurts watching him destroy himself. Again, he just didn't understand that and went into a complete opposite reasoning about what he didn't have and didn't see the point in changing now.
Am I missing something here? or is just trying to make me feel bad?
I promised myself that I will not talk to him anymore. It just has made my day terrible and I feel bad hearing him cry and being upset. Just makes this harder.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Recovery is his business and not yours. Addicts attempt to guilt us and blame us and say we are the crazy ones! Nope, don't listen and certainly I would limit these pointless phone calls.
If he's getting high....you might as well reason with a brick wall.
If he's getting high....you might as well reason with a brick wall.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 39
Kej248, it really makes me sick how he is making HIS PROBLEM, your problem and attempting to make you share in the responsibility for his alcoholism and drug problem if that's what he has. He did get you to second guess yourself and feel sorry for him, so his manipulations worked to some degree.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
KEJ248, I'm sorry and I don't mean to laugh, but I really did LOL at you saying he needed to be mature and stop partying at 28...my AH is 55 and many times, I've asked him, just WHEN he's going to grow up and stop drinking so much...even when I know the answer, which is probably, never.
And he admits he has a problem, too.
Like I said...I've gotten better at dealing with this, and I choose to stay, but sadly, the idea of maturity doesn't mean much to someone in active addiction.
One thing I have learned, is that when my husband is actively drunk and wanting to talk to me about anything and everything, I refuse to listen. This has helped greatly because he knows I won't give him the opportunity to tell me how I'VE caused any of his addiction. I learned it's not true--I didn't cause it, and I can't stop it.
My point is--40 minutes on the phone is about 39 minutes too long to give him! When he starts in on you again, calmly tell him, "I'm not talking to you about these things while you're still drunk/high. If you want to talk to me when you're sober, call me back." It's made a lot of difference to my peace of mind over the years, because they don't tend to accuse you as much when they're in their right minds.
Stay strong! You are doing the right thing. Don't believe his lies!
And he admits he has a problem, too.
Like I said...I've gotten better at dealing with this, and I choose to stay, but sadly, the idea of maturity doesn't mean much to someone in active addiction.
One thing I have learned, is that when my husband is actively drunk and wanting to talk to me about anything and everything, I refuse to listen. This has helped greatly because he knows I won't give him the opportunity to tell me how I'VE caused any of his addiction. I learned it's not true--I didn't cause it, and I can't stop it.
My point is--40 minutes on the phone is about 39 minutes too long to give him! When he starts in on you again, calmly tell him, "I'm not talking to you about these things while you're still drunk/high. If you want to talk to me when you're sober, call me back." It's made a lot of difference to my peace of mind over the years, because they don't tend to accuse you as much when they're in their right minds.
Stay strong! You are doing the right thing. Don't believe his lies!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
