such saddness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: long island ny
Posts: 64
such saddness
i am posting while at work , consumed with my son the addict. i just cannot wrap my head around what our lives have been and i guess i just need to vent. after all we have tried to do , cleaning up his messes over the years, i am at a loss. i can't move forward . i have attended meetings at naranon and they seem to help while i'm there but it is so hard to be positive. my son has faced death, many arrests and will now be going to rikers for felony charges at the age of 23. he never learned despite all the chances he had. i can't find the "serenity" that some talk about. i read all the posts here and read about the disease but my pain for him and my family is consuming my every thought . all i do is cry for the lost years and the years that will now be lost to my son. he won't see me while he is in the local jail, nor call me. i write letters everyday and keep them in an envelope because i know he doesn't want to hear from me. i am just at the end of my hope and don't see anyway clear of feeling anything but lost. i am falling into a very deep and bad place, which scares the hell out of me. i am wishing for things that will never and the pain consumes my life.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
he never learned despite all the chances he had.
What has happened to your son is awful. But it is also the culmination of all of the bad choices and decisions he has made.
He's made his choices. What are your choices going to be?
I don't have kids, but I know more about depression than I care to know. And in the wake of the relationship with my AXGF ending, I figured there were two paths I could take. I could either give into all the negative stuff and go down a dark path, or I could accept what had happened and work to get my life back. I chose the latter. It's paid off.
I know you're low, and I know you're depressed, and you've got every reason to be. But if you feed those feelings with negative thoughts, OL, you're going to dig a deeper hole for yourself. And you don't need that. Right now, you need to heal. And in order to heal, you have to decide that you're going to.
And we'll be here to help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: long island ny
Posts: 64
i can't see beyond any of my pain and i truly don't know if i can live my life feeling such pain. the thought of my son's future of being raped in jail, and his suffering is more than i think i will be able to deal with. yes, he made his choices, yes i know i did everything possible, but that doesn't give me strength or motivate me to help myself. when it is your own child, when you think back to all the innocence and all that is lost- how does a person go on?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
how does a person go on?
God Bless.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hi OL,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. Please consider getting help for yourself. It doesn't have to be Alanon...maybe a therapist or clergy?
There is nothing you can do about your son and prison. It's out of your hands now.
My son has been addicted and/or abusing substances for well over a decade now. I have finally come to the realization (this didn't come overnight) that it is out of my hands. For me, that is the acceptance part. He is currently in jail on a probation violation.
Do I worry about the future? Sometimes, but not even close to as much as I used to. I have family that love and depend on me. I can't imagine what it would do to them if I went down the tubes because of my son's actions, which I have no control over.
Sometimes this is what keeps me from sliding into the darkness of depression.
I hope you can find peace in your life. You are worth it.
I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. Please consider getting help for yourself. It doesn't have to be Alanon...maybe a therapist or clergy?
There is nothing you can do about your son and prison. It's out of your hands now.
My son has been addicted and/or abusing substances for well over a decade now. I have finally come to the realization (this didn't come overnight) that it is out of my hands. For me, that is the acceptance part. He is currently in jail on a probation violation.
Do I worry about the future? Sometimes, but not even close to as much as I used to. I have family that love and depend on me. I can't imagine what it would do to them if I went down the tubes because of my son's actions, which I have no control over.
Sometimes this is what keeps me from sliding into the darkness of depression.
I hope you can find peace in your life. You are worth it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am going to tell you something that may or may not help.
I attend Celebrate Recovery. I have listened to lots of testimonies. I have listened to several addicts who have had people follow them around cleaning up their messes. Many of them have said the same thing, that the only way they were ever able to actually beat addiction and find that "bottom" was some very real jail time. Many of these people have done hard time and come out and now work in recovery centers, mens centers, lead at CR, it's actually amazing to me. I did not even think that much about it until I saw the trend in these men.
Yes, they went from boys to men in jail. And some from girls to women. What I did see is people on fire to share what happened to them, to spread the hope that you can get past this if you really want to.
I pray this happens to your son too. Only God knows. Save those letters and at a later date mail them, because he does not hate you, you are his mother. He hates that you did not clean up after him again. Big difference.
Psalms 46:10 says, "Be Still and Know That I am God." If ever there was a time to turn it all over to the Lord, that time is now. I am praying for you and all involved.
Much Love and Hugs!!!
I attend Celebrate Recovery. I have listened to lots of testimonies. I have listened to several addicts who have had people follow them around cleaning up their messes. Many of them have said the same thing, that the only way they were ever able to actually beat addiction and find that "bottom" was some very real jail time. Many of these people have done hard time and come out and now work in recovery centers, mens centers, lead at CR, it's actually amazing to me. I did not even think that much about it until I saw the trend in these men.
Yes, they went from boys to men in jail. And some from girls to women. What I did see is people on fire to share what happened to them, to spread the hope that you can get past this if you really want to.
I pray this happens to your son too. Only God knows. Save those letters and at a later date mail them, because he does not hate you, you are his mother. He hates that you did not clean up after him again. Big difference.
Psalms 46:10 says, "Be Still and Know That I am God." If ever there was a time to turn it all over to the Lord, that time is now. I am praying for you and all involved.
Much Love and Hugs!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: long island ny
Posts: 64
thank you all for your posts, sometimes it is what gets me through one minute to the next. i do know that I am not at fault and that is what i need to remember .all of your words of support are here to reinforce those feelings. all of you have been there at one time or another and i thank you for your support and words you inspire for everyone else on these boards.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Shoreline area, CT
Posts: 68
Dear Ocean,
Oh boy do I identify with your posts, and your pain. I, too, have felt such overwhelming grief at the choices my son has made over the years, and where those choices have led him. It is so hard to let go of our dreams and hopes for them!
The other posters are correct that now that your son is incarcerated, there really is nothing more you can do for him. In a way, even though of course it's super-scary, at least you know he won't be "out there," endangering himself and others. I felt the same way when my son was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital last month. (And I know my SIL felt the same way when her daughter was imprisoned... at least she was "safe" such as it was).
I hope that this can be "good time" for you, to at least be relieved of the day-to-day grind and anxiety and worry over your son. It may be that he will come to some realizations once he's away, it may not. It's for sure it will take time, though.
Maybe just for today, do something nice for yourself, be easy on yourself and work on forgiving yourself. We both deserve it.
jane
Oh boy do I identify with your posts, and your pain. I, too, have felt such overwhelming grief at the choices my son has made over the years, and where those choices have led him. It is so hard to let go of our dreams and hopes for them!
The other posters are correct that now that your son is incarcerated, there really is nothing more you can do for him. In a way, even though of course it's super-scary, at least you know he won't be "out there," endangering himself and others. I felt the same way when my son was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital last month. (And I know my SIL felt the same way when her daughter was imprisoned... at least she was "safe" such as it was).
I hope that this can be "good time" for you, to at least be relieved of the day-to-day grind and anxiety and worry over your son. It may be that he will come to some realizations once he's away, it may not. It's for sure it will take time, though.
Maybe just for today, do something nice for yourself, be easy on yourself and work on forgiving yourself. We both deserve it.
jane
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: newton, NH
Posts: 12
I have been feeling the same hopelessness you described for months now. My heart breaks for you! That is a horrible feeling! I never thought I would feel better but today I did not cry! Not even one tear! Take this time and work on you. Hopefully he will do the same. Either way you will be ready to handle whatever happens when he comes home.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I agree with everyone here. I really hope you will see your family doctor soon because depression and anxiety are really toxic not only to our souls, but to our bodies. And do try to find a therapist or pastor with credentials. Your younger son needs you to be healthy and at peace!
I recently spent some time working in a men's prison & saw the addicts who were working a recovery program; they were impressive guys and were really working on being better people. Try not to concentrate on his potential victimization--I learned that worrying about things that have not happened is called "future-tripping" and it zaps a lot of energy from us when we do that.
I am sorry you are having such a crummy day, OL. Try to do something good for yourself. Keep writing those letters and save them to send sometime when he calls missing you, which I bet he will someday.
I recently spent some time working in a men's prison & saw the addicts who were working a recovery program; they were impressive guys and were really working on being better people. Try not to concentrate on his potential victimization--I learned that worrying about things that have not happened is called "future-tripping" and it zaps a lot of energy from us when we do that.
I am sorry you are having such a crummy day, OL. Try to do something good for yourself. Keep writing those letters and save them to send sometime when he calls missing you, which I bet he will someday.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi OceanLady,
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I don't have any kids, but I did have to file for divorce from my AH. I had to mourn and grieve for our future and for all the unfulfilled promises. Some days were much harder than others, especially in the beginning. It was so painful to let go, but it was even more painful to have a front row seat to his self-destruction. He is a grown man and trying to control him was as effective as trying to control the weather.
I agree with Garden Mama that you should think of your younger son. Think of all the time this addiction has robbed you of time with him. Perhaps you can go out and try to have a nice meal, and spend some quality time together. Try to talk about other things other than your son's addiction.
I know it may not seem like it now, but I'm sure you have many things to be grateful for. You also have many things you can control, such as your reaction to this situation. It's ok to grieve, get angry and cry at the unfairness of it all. But if you dwell on it too much, then you are letting the addiction rob you of any joy or peace in your life. It's already taken so much from you, don't let it take away your own future.
Sending many hugs and prayers your way.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I don't have any kids, but I did have to file for divorce from my AH. I had to mourn and grieve for our future and for all the unfulfilled promises. Some days were much harder than others, especially in the beginning. It was so painful to let go, but it was even more painful to have a front row seat to his self-destruction. He is a grown man and trying to control him was as effective as trying to control the weather.
I agree with Garden Mama that you should think of your younger son. Think of all the time this addiction has robbed you of time with him. Perhaps you can go out and try to have a nice meal, and spend some quality time together. Try to talk about other things other than your son's addiction.
I know it may not seem like it now, but I'm sure you have many things to be grateful for. You also have many things you can control, such as your reaction to this situation. It's ok to grieve, get angry and cry at the unfairness of it all. But if you dwell on it too much, then you are letting the addiction rob you of any joy or peace in your life. It's already taken so much from you, don't let it take away your own future.
Sending many hugs and prayers your way.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
OL, I have been in that dark place where I am exhausted, afraid and just cannot make the pain stop. It is scary and hurts and the light of hope is no where to be found.
I went through years of addiction with my son, overdoses, stabbings, jail, sobriety for up to 3 years and then relapse and and a repeat of all of the above. I could not save him, the love of his family and offer of a good safe loving home and employment by my husband couldn't save him...because he just would not save himself.
My son has been missing over 10 years now, lost in his addiction somewhere. Nothing I did or did not do could stop that.
So I felt the pain praying for numbness because it just hurt so much. A wise member here told me that the only way through the pain is to face it head on and keep walking. She was right.
So I prayed, many times a day, asking God to do for my son what I could not. I went to meetings and learned how to heal my own wounds and find my balance again. I was so bad when I hit my first meeting that I thought they would throw me out. I couldn't speak for 3 meetings, just sobbed and listened and accepted the tissues and hugs that were offered. I saw people there who had lived worse lives than I had and they had a look of peace on their faces and a calmness called serenity. I wanted what they had and my sponsor promised me that if I worked the 12 steps I could find that good place too.
It took time, it took work but it was all worth it. I am not exaggerating to say that it saved my life, literally.
Our sons have had many many chances to turn their lives around, they still can today, whether in prison or on the street. There are programs and people they can reach out to and find sobriety and a better way of life. Or they can continue on their dark path....but we don't have to travel it with them.
I found that I could not live in my son's addiction and my recovery at the same time, it simply was not possible. To do so would be like trying to swim with an anchor strapped to our back.
So we let go of the anchor, we let go of trying to fix what is not ours to fix. We can love our sons as much as ever, we can pray for them and we can hope, there is always hope, that one day soon they will find the light and follow it. Letting go does not mean we love them less, it means that we are not ready to allow addiction to kill US.
I live a life of peace today, I see beauty in every sunrise and my heart is filled with joy and love and gratitude for life. I face my obstacles with courage and my worst day today does not take me down, it just gives me pause to find my balance and continue.
Do I fear for my son? No, because I lived too many years in the darkness of fear and will no longer allow myself to visit that darkness. Today I live in faith, that God loves all His children, even His addicted ones and that He will take care of my son. If God chooses to take him home, I will find peace that my son no longer suffers. If God chooses to let him continue his journey, stumbling on the way, then I leave that between God and my son to figure out.
I trust life today, I trust the process. I have seen what we would call "worst case" addicts find recovery, many of them right here on SR, and that helps me keep the candle of hope lit in my heart.
I will share my candle and light with you, OL, and walk with you until you can find your own light. We are all here to walk with you because that's what we do, we support each other and hold each other up along the way.
Nothing I said can change your reality, but you CAN change the outcome for you. I promise you that life does not stay this bad forever. You can find your courage and strength again, it's inside you and has been all along. As is happiness.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
I went through years of addiction with my son, overdoses, stabbings, jail, sobriety for up to 3 years and then relapse and and a repeat of all of the above. I could not save him, the love of his family and offer of a good safe loving home and employment by my husband couldn't save him...because he just would not save himself.
My son has been missing over 10 years now, lost in his addiction somewhere. Nothing I did or did not do could stop that.
So I felt the pain praying for numbness because it just hurt so much. A wise member here told me that the only way through the pain is to face it head on and keep walking. She was right.
So I prayed, many times a day, asking God to do for my son what I could not. I went to meetings and learned how to heal my own wounds and find my balance again. I was so bad when I hit my first meeting that I thought they would throw me out. I couldn't speak for 3 meetings, just sobbed and listened and accepted the tissues and hugs that were offered. I saw people there who had lived worse lives than I had and they had a look of peace on their faces and a calmness called serenity. I wanted what they had and my sponsor promised me that if I worked the 12 steps I could find that good place too.
It took time, it took work but it was all worth it. I am not exaggerating to say that it saved my life, literally.
Our sons have had many many chances to turn their lives around, they still can today, whether in prison or on the street. There are programs and people they can reach out to and find sobriety and a better way of life. Or they can continue on their dark path....but we don't have to travel it with them.
I found that I could not live in my son's addiction and my recovery at the same time, it simply was not possible. To do so would be like trying to swim with an anchor strapped to our back.
So we let go of the anchor, we let go of trying to fix what is not ours to fix. We can love our sons as much as ever, we can pray for them and we can hope, there is always hope, that one day soon they will find the light and follow it. Letting go does not mean we love them less, it means that we are not ready to allow addiction to kill US.
I live a life of peace today, I see beauty in every sunrise and my heart is filled with joy and love and gratitude for life. I face my obstacles with courage and my worst day today does not take me down, it just gives me pause to find my balance and continue.
Do I fear for my son? No, because I lived too many years in the darkness of fear and will no longer allow myself to visit that darkness. Today I live in faith, that God loves all His children, even His addicted ones and that He will take care of my son. If God chooses to take him home, I will find peace that my son no longer suffers. If God chooses to let him continue his journey, stumbling on the way, then I leave that between God and my son to figure out.
I trust life today, I trust the process. I have seen what we would call "worst case" addicts find recovery, many of them right here on SR, and that helps me keep the candle of hope lit in my heart.
I will share my candle and light with you, OL, and walk with you until you can find your own light. We are all here to walk with you because that's what we do, we support each other and hold each other up along the way.
Nothing I said can change your reality, but you CAN change the outcome for you. I promise you that life does not stay this bad forever. You can find your courage and strength again, it's inside you and has been all along. As is happiness.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
OL--my heart is with you. Yet, I have a daughter who is an active heroin addict. I am here because I just hit an emotional bottom with her lack of progress...although I did everything possible to help her (yes...I know that I sound like an enabler but am trying not to be one).
She got arrested for petty charges...she has not been in the system to any great extent yet...but is on her way. She is stealing and when I found a way to come back 6,000 miles last year from South America after having hit my own financial bottom with husband...and toughing it out by doing construction there...I got a job on Skype, came back...started work again (1 year in), faced my fears of my own anxiety and panic and feelings of failure as I do in my own codependency work and try not to 'forget' myself or my own needs...which is not easy...and I found her without her wanting to be found...but then we had about 2 good weeks...and we talked and we smiled and we loved one another.
That was December. Since then, it has been a court system routine...I asked the DA and the Judge to give her more drug related charges versus her being able to get out of the system as our city is very lenient with drug users...her father and I kept seeing her and listening to her. we got her into a program through our insurance that I still haven't figured out how to pay the bills on yet...for 2 weeks. But she is making her choices. In May...she was so angry...and the judge had ordered her into custody for the night as she did not do what she was supposed to do. Her verbal abuse in the court room tore me apart...and then the harsh words of the public defender.
I have been a mess since then...it seems like everything is falling apart...but I am not allowing my thoughts to tell me that and to believe them...and I have been doing things that are opposite to my thoughts...when I thought my boss was going to fire me (he is nonverbal)--I asked for a raise...and found out he thinks I am doing a good job...I set boundaries with my 4 other adult children who have chosen to be away from me physically, mentally, spiritually...even though 2 were addicts I helped in their time and when I had the resources to do so.
I am focusing on work...and not allowing my mind to tell me negative things about how things are going...but rather to focus on one task at a time...and to work on reducing overwhelm. I did not go to my daughters' last court date...I had nothing left to help her with...had sat in the court room and the judge (ex Drug court without me knowing it) and the DA (shared confidentially that her father is an addict and that she was happy to support me in my tough love stance) for all the months.
I do not know if she showed up per orders or is doing her own thing. However, I pray that she will be arrested and learn the natural consequences of using and drug addiction...because without that...there is no hope. I have no idea if I will ever see her again...and our family is fractured. I do know, however, that if you can just take care of yourself now...and not borrow the future or remember the past as best as possible...you can get better.
I am doing that now. I have no idea of what to do next (meaning that I cannot fix anything about my daughter's situation or anything else that is going on right now that is painful and there is much). However, I will rest and drink water and get up early to go to work and do what needs to be done so that I can keep on walking towards better health...I pray sooner than later. I have been a codependent all my life...for me to do these steps is akin to being able to live. I need to do this...and I need to let go...enough to reclaim myself...my strengths that have been so awesomely put to use for others...for me.
I have no idea what that means...it feels as if all I have known in the past several years...is just washing away...and I don't need to carry it all...but I am not well nor do I feel good about myself...and yet...with the work...have a sense of purpose to hold on to and I am also working to relax and let go of all the pain from my daughters choices...the angriness...the knowledge that she has chosen this path for herself and I cannot change that choice.
I am struggling to not feel like 1) a failure... and 2) there MUST be something else I can do. I am balanced in the middle...it is strange and lonesome...and I hope that something good comes out of it...I want my serenity back.
She got arrested for petty charges...she has not been in the system to any great extent yet...but is on her way. She is stealing and when I found a way to come back 6,000 miles last year from South America after having hit my own financial bottom with husband...and toughing it out by doing construction there...I got a job on Skype, came back...started work again (1 year in), faced my fears of my own anxiety and panic and feelings of failure as I do in my own codependency work and try not to 'forget' myself or my own needs...which is not easy...and I found her without her wanting to be found...but then we had about 2 good weeks...and we talked and we smiled and we loved one another.
That was December. Since then, it has been a court system routine...I asked the DA and the Judge to give her more drug related charges versus her being able to get out of the system as our city is very lenient with drug users...her father and I kept seeing her and listening to her. we got her into a program through our insurance that I still haven't figured out how to pay the bills on yet...for 2 weeks. But she is making her choices. In May...she was so angry...and the judge had ordered her into custody for the night as she did not do what she was supposed to do. Her verbal abuse in the court room tore me apart...and then the harsh words of the public defender.
I have been a mess since then...it seems like everything is falling apart...but I am not allowing my thoughts to tell me that and to believe them...and I have been doing things that are opposite to my thoughts...when I thought my boss was going to fire me (he is nonverbal)--I asked for a raise...and found out he thinks I am doing a good job...I set boundaries with my 4 other adult children who have chosen to be away from me physically, mentally, spiritually...even though 2 were addicts I helped in their time and when I had the resources to do so.
I am focusing on work...and not allowing my mind to tell me negative things about how things are going...but rather to focus on one task at a time...and to work on reducing overwhelm. I did not go to my daughters' last court date...I had nothing left to help her with...had sat in the court room and the judge (ex Drug court without me knowing it) and the DA (shared confidentially that her father is an addict and that she was happy to support me in my tough love stance) for all the months.
I do not know if she showed up per orders or is doing her own thing. However, I pray that she will be arrested and learn the natural consequences of using and drug addiction...because without that...there is no hope. I have no idea if I will ever see her again...and our family is fractured. I do know, however, that if you can just take care of yourself now...and not borrow the future or remember the past as best as possible...you can get better.
I am doing that now. I have no idea of what to do next (meaning that I cannot fix anything about my daughter's situation or anything else that is going on right now that is painful and there is much). However, I will rest and drink water and get up early to go to work and do what needs to be done so that I can keep on walking towards better health...I pray sooner than later. I have been a codependent all my life...for me to do these steps is akin to being able to live. I need to do this...and I need to let go...enough to reclaim myself...my strengths that have been so awesomely put to use for others...for me.
I have no idea what that means...it feels as if all I have known in the past several years...is just washing away...and I don't need to carry it all...but I am not well nor do I feel good about myself...and yet...with the work...have a sense of purpose to hold on to and I am also working to relax and let go of all the pain from my daughters choices...the angriness...the knowledge that she has chosen this path for herself and I cannot change that choice.
I am struggling to not feel like 1) a failure... and 2) there MUST be something else I can do. I am balanced in the middle...it is strange and lonesome...and I hope that something good comes out of it...I want my serenity back.
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