Newbie in a freefall
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: newton, NH
Posts: 12
Newbie in a freefall
the other day a friend texted me to offer some support and said I am so sorry for this rollercoaster ride you are on. This has not been a rollercoaster ride it has been a freefall!
this is my first post and I really need somone to tell me I will get though this. in less than 4 months my entire life has collapsed. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I have a brother who is has been an active heroin addict for 21 years. I attended alanon in my early 20's and have been able to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them. I married a man who was not a partier and we have been together for 26 wonderful years. He was an amazing husband, father, and friend. He was a hard worker, great provider, a genuine family man. We were soulmates...
He has had three herniated disks over the past 12 years. he has taken large amounts of pain medication for long periods of time over the years. The first time he came off the pills after surgery with little discussion, he just did it, felt like crap for a few days but no big deal. the second time was not as easy. He tried to detox at home and became psychotic and suicidal. I got him to a hospital and he stayed for three days. He went back to work, he had a low grade depression for almost a year but things went back to normal, or at least I thought they did. He has since confessed that he never really came off the pills that time.
He injured his back again in January, went out on disability and lost his mind. He eventually worked his way up to oxycotin and fentalyn and buying pills too, alot of pills! He turned into a monster! He is angry, irrational, paranoid, explosive, agressive, threatening. I moved out on MAY 1st because I was afraid of him. with the encouragement of his PCP i had him commited to a psychiatric hospital where he refused the psych meds but did manage to get his pain meds increased. he also met a beautiful anorexic girl. he said she is not as beautiful as me because I am beautiful on the inside too and she is kinda messed up. but she thinks he is funny and she isnt afraid of him and he does not understand why I am afraid.
They are still together... but the emotional torture, stalking, phone calls, texts, threats to slit my throat, and burn the house down with me in it, accusations that i am having an affair with one of his loser friends, continued and even intensified. he has done so much damage emotionally and finacially to our family it is impossible to list it all but with continous encouragement from the police department I filed a restraining order which he violated that night. he was arrested and spent a week in jail before he made bail.
Needless to say everything that has happened is my fault! He hates me! I have even turned our children and his family against him! My soulmate actually called our 21 year old son and asked him to come visit him because he wanted to introduce him to his new stepmother. He also called our 23 year old daughter, his princess, and demanded that she return the car he bought her because he needs to sell it. when she refused he screamed at her telling her she is a useless piece of ****. she actually bought the car herself, on rainy days he would play video, board or card games with the kids and he made it interesting by playing for money. of course he would always let them win. I can not tell you how many times the words double or nothing were yelled out over the years. he also paid her for doing chours around the house and she saved every penny he gave her. He was so proud of her. He now feels that since she got the money from him it is his car.
I know how this works so does he... we have had to set boundaries and limits with my dad and brother for years. My husband has been so critical of my mother and sister for enabling my brother all of these years. He would always say tough love is what he needs. So why does he hate me? I am only trying to protect myself from him physically, emotionally, and financially. Although I guess it was too little to late. He pawned thousands of dollars worth of stuff when i moved out, we are three months behind on the mortgage. I am going to lose the house we built, my home! Emotionally I am destroyed. I am 48 years old, in therapy, taking antidepressants, attending alanon, walking every day, taking yoga and listening to meditation tapes but still I feel like i got hit by a train. I can not stop crying.. I miss my husband. It is like he died and someone else is walking around in his body. I know I can not help him, fix him, stop him, trust him, forgive him, love him. But I can miss him right?
My brother and father never achieved sobriety and I am not sure my husband will either but if he does will he wake up one day and say omg what did i do? where is my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, my home, my reputation, my life? If so, I hope he never gets off thoes pills...
this is my first post and I really need somone to tell me I will get though this. in less than 4 months my entire life has collapsed. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I have a brother who is has been an active heroin addict for 21 years. I attended alanon in my early 20's and have been able to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them. I married a man who was not a partier and we have been together for 26 wonderful years. He was an amazing husband, father, and friend. He was a hard worker, great provider, a genuine family man. We were soulmates...
He has had three herniated disks over the past 12 years. he has taken large amounts of pain medication for long periods of time over the years. The first time he came off the pills after surgery with little discussion, he just did it, felt like crap for a few days but no big deal. the second time was not as easy. He tried to detox at home and became psychotic and suicidal. I got him to a hospital and he stayed for three days. He went back to work, he had a low grade depression for almost a year but things went back to normal, or at least I thought they did. He has since confessed that he never really came off the pills that time.
He injured his back again in January, went out on disability and lost his mind. He eventually worked his way up to oxycotin and fentalyn and buying pills too, alot of pills! He turned into a monster! He is angry, irrational, paranoid, explosive, agressive, threatening. I moved out on MAY 1st because I was afraid of him. with the encouragement of his PCP i had him commited to a psychiatric hospital where he refused the psych meds but did manage to get his pain meds increased. he also met a beautiful anorexic girl. he said she is not as beautiful as me because I am beautiful on the inside too and she is kinda messed up. but she thinks he is funny and she isnt afraid of him and he does not understand why I am afraid.
They are still together... but the emotional torture, stalking, phone calls, texts, threats to slit my throat, and burn the house down with me in it, accusations that i am having an affair with one of his loser friends, continued and even intensified. he has done so much damage emotionally and finacially to our family it is impossible to list it all but with continous encouragement from the police department I filed a restraining order which he violated that night. he was arrested and spent a week in jail before he made bail.
Needless to say everything that has happened is my fault! He hates me! I have even turned our children and his family against him! My soulmate actually called our 21 year old son and asked him to come visit him because he wanted to introduce him to his new stepmother. He also called our 23 year old daughter, his princess, and demanded that she return the car he bought her because he needs to sell it. when she refused he screamed at her telling her she is a useless piece of ****. she actually bought the car herself, on rainy days he would play video, board or card games with the kids and he made it interesting by playing for money. of course he would always let them win. I can not tell you how many times the words double or nothing were yelled out over the years. he also paid her for doing chours around the house and she saved every penny he gave her. He was so proud of her. He now feels that since she got the money from him it is his car.
I know how this works so does he... we have had to set boundaries and limits with my dad and brother for years. My husband has been so critical of my mother and sister for enabling my brother all of these years. He would always say tough love is what he needs. So why does he hate me? I am only trying to protect myself from him physically, emotionally, and financially. Although I guess it was too little to late. He pawned thousands of dollars worth of stuff when i moved out, we are three months behind on the mortgage. I am going to lose the house we built, my home! Emotionally I am destroyed. I am 48 years old, in therapy, taking antidepressants, attending alanon, walking every day, taking yoga and listening to meditation tapes but still I feel like i got hit by a train. I can not stop crying.. I miss my husband. It is like he died and someone else is walking around in his body. I know I can not help him, fix him, stop him, trust him, forgive him, love him. But I can miss him right?
My brother and father never achieved sobriety and I am not sure my husband will either but if he does will he wake up one day and say omg what did i do? where is my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, my home, my reputation, my life? If so, I hope he never gets off thoes pills...
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I am so sorry that you're going through this. When you marry someone and start a life and a family with that person, you never envision the marriage turning into what you've described.
Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I'd like to say a couple of things.
The one positive thing in all of this madness is what you've learned in Al Anon has really served you well. Once your AH went around the bend, you did the necessary thing and you moved out. I know how difficult that must have been for you.
Regarding the other girl...sick attracts sick. What they have isn't a relationship. What they have is a tacit understanding that they're going to enable each other. The moment that one of them tries to hold the other accountable for their behavior, it'll blow up and blow up big.
You have done all the right things. But I know that is of no comfort to you at this moment. We are here to help you, support you, and give you an outlet to share, to vent, and to allow yourself to be vulnerable. We understand where you're coming from, and we're happy that you've found us.
Again, Welcome to the Board. Be safe...
Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I'd like to say a couple of things.
The one positive thing in all of this madness is what you've learned in Al Anon has really served you well. Once your AH went around the bend, you did the necessary thing and you moved out. I know how difficult that must have been for you.
Regarding the other girl...sick attracts sick. What they have isn't a relationship. What they have is a tacit understanding that they're going to enable each other. The moment that one of them tries to hold the other accountable for their behavior, it'll blow up and blow up big.
You have done all the right things. But I know that is of no comfort to you at this moment. We are here to help you, support you, and give you an outlet to share, to vent, and to allow yourself to be vulnerable. We understand where you're coming from, and we're happy that you've found us.
Again, Welcome to the Board. Be safe...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
So sad how this disease destroys families...
Sounds like you are going through the right process of helping yourself!
However, you ARE grieving! You have lost a person that has been important to you for most of your adult life. There is not a thing that you can do for him.
Many prayers to you!
Sounds like you are going through the right process of helping yourself!
However, you ARE grieving! You have lost a person that has been important to you for most of your adult life. There is not a thing that you can do for him.
Many prayers to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and a warm welcome to you. You will find lots of support here at SR.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I encourage you and your children to cease all contact with him at all. It sounds as though he is truly out of his mind and beyond gone. Will he ever get well? No one knows, not even him at this point. It is not something you can depend on at all. He sounds dangerous. Are you violating the order by being in contact with him?
The thing you have to let go is that he hates you. I don't think you realize, he does not hate you. He hates that you are not enabling him. He hates that you don't coddle him like a child. He said you are beautiful on the inside, and I am sure that is true.
Let go of what you cannot control. You deserve to move forward and heal. I would seek out a counselor for you and your children that specializes in families with addiction. I did this in the process of leaving my X and it helped me immensely.
Good Luck to you. I hope you keep coming back and I hope you get help and stay safe.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I encourage you and your children to cease all contact with him at all. It sounds as though he is truly out of his mind and beyond gone. Will he ever get well? No one knows, not even him at this point. It is not something you can depend on at all. He sounds dangerous. Are you violating the order by being in contact with him?
The thing you have to let go is that he hates you. I don't think you realize, he does not hate you. He hates that you are not enabling him. He hates that you don't coddle him like a child. He said you are beautiful on the inside, and I am sure that is true.
Let go of what you cannot control. You deserve to move forward and heal. I would seek out a counselor for you and your children that specializes in families with addiction. I did this in the process of leaving my X and it helped me immensely.
Good Luck to you. I hope you keep coming back and I hope you get help and stay safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: newton, NH
Posts: 12
Thank u for the support and it does give comfort that you agree that I did the right thing I lost my biggest supporter when I lost him. He was a good man. I have not contacted him since the restraining order and I agree he has become dangerous. There is some unexplained mania going on as well. Nothing I have read suggests that opiates would cause mania but he has all the symptoms all of them. In the past he would be sleepy a lot when he took pills but not this time. When he went into the psych hospital they had to put him in four point restraints he was that out of control the did a drug test and he only tested positive for opiates which he is prescribed. But like I said he refused the psych meds but I need to keep this about me I can't make sense out of a crazy situation. I have a lot of supportive friends and even most of his family have been amazing and supportive. They are shocked by his behavior also. They have all experienced his rage first hand as they are attempting to cut him off financially and emotionally
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by eddieI 
Thank u for the support and it does give comfort that you agree that I did the right thing I lost my biggest supporter when I lost him. He was a good man. I have not contacted him since the restraining order and I agree he has become dangerous. There is some unexplained mania going on as well. Nothing I have read suggests that opiates would cause mania but he has all the symptoms all of them. In the past he would be sleepy a lot when he took pills but not this time. When he went into the psych hospital they had to put him in four point restraints he was that out of control the did a drug test and he only tested positive for opiates which he is prescribed. But like I said he refused the psych meds but I need to keep this about me I can't make sense out of a crazy situation. I have a lot of supportive friends and even most of his family have been amazing and supportive. They are shocked by his behavior also. They have all experienced his rage first hand as they are attempting to cut him off financially and emotionally
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: newton, NH
Posts: 12
strange day today. My hubby and I have the same PCP as his father. My father in law has not been feeling well for the past few weeks so my sister in law took him to the pcp today. he told his doc that the reason he does not feel well is because he is worried sick about his son and appears to be a little scared as well. he has been going to his house every day and asking for money but he keeps telling him he has no money. then he takes stupid stuff like his lawnmower, a table, old soda cans for the deposit and today he took a water heater. He has gone into his house twice when he was not home to take some of these items. when asked if he wants the lock changed he said no he would probably just break a window. today he told his father that he wants to clean out the basement so he can move in with him. He told him he can sleep in one of the bedrooms not the basement but said he really does not want him there. He told his PCP that he should be ashamed of himself for giving him them damn pills that he has screwed up his head. now this is coming from a man of few words. Good for him! It is funny because i have felt weird around his dad because I was not sure how he would feel about me getting his son arrested and thrown in jail. But he told the doc that it breaks his heart to see what he is doing to me and the kids. his PCP started him on the same antidepressant medication he started me on last week! A few days ago he told off his youngest daughter. He told her that she needs to stop giving him money (he does not know it but she is actually addicted to pills and her boyfriend sells them). Go get em dad!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
eddie,
my heart goes out to you. and your whole family.
stay safe, and welcome to SR. It has been a sanity saver for me. Lots of others who have been through similar things as you are going through.
we care. protect yourselves, and your possessions. It does not look good for your hub and I fear for his father. perhaps restraining orders all around?
hugs.
my heart goes out to you. and your whole family.
stay safe, and welcome to SR. It has been a sanity saver for me. Lots of others who have been through similar things as you are going through.
we care. protect yourselves, and your possessions. It does not look good for your hub and I fear for his father. perhaps restraining orders all around?
hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 43
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can only imagine how painful it is. Big hugs to you. It is pretty normal to be sad and heartbroken right now, but it sounds like you have done everything right. The people at SR are wonderful and supportive.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
