HerbiceXXV

Hey gang...

I've posted here before, and I read all of your posts. They are very helpful. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has suffered at the hands of an addict. The more I think about it, it seems like mental abuse than anything else. Anyway... I come to you today to help me seek closure.

You see, my axgf went into inpatient rehab at the end of May. We were going to stay together, and play things by ear after she got out of her inpatient program. She called me every other day for the first week she was in, and then she just... stopped. I sent a couple of letters to her, and finally I received a letter from her after sending a self addressed stamped envelope on June 10th. It basically said that she was focusing on her program, looking forward to being transferred to her half-way house on the 25th of June, and she "can't associate with people who drink/drug". And that was the last I directly heard from her. We are still Snapchat 'friends', and we see each other's public "My Story" pictures, so I know that she is still on 'the clean path'.

While I realize that it is probably not a good idea for us to be partners, her being a recovering addict, and me being textbook co-dependent, I am finding it difficult to gain closure from this break up. There is some part of me mentally and emotionally that will not let go until I understand 'why'. Okay. We can't be together. I get that. But all I'd like to hear is something like: "I can't talk with you because you drink and I feel that might lead me astray from my path". (not in an alcoholic sense... but I have a beer or two here and there) or "I can't talk with you because you're 41 and I'm 23". Or "I can't talk with you because I'm seeing somebody else, and that'd be disrepectful." Seriously. Any of these things would probably give me the push to move on. Some epilogue to that story. But I'm not getting that, and it hurts. It really is consuming my thoughts and I am having a difficult time moving on. I've been approached by women who were attracted to me, but I think because I have no closure, I am completely emotionally unavailable.

I'm sure some of you have had this experience. What were the reasons that your axgf/bf wouldn't talk with you?

zoso77

Hey...

I'm glad you've updated us.

Let me turn this around on you. You're 41. She's 23. And even if addiction issues weren't in the picture, you're expecting her to have the same level of maturity as you do? It doesn't work that way.

You may not like this, but at the end of the day, the "whys" don't matter. Speculating why she's doing what she's doing will drive you nuts. The only answers that matters are a) she's 23 and b) she's an addict. You have an opportunity to make a clean break. If I were you, I'd take it.

hopeful4

You will have to find closure on your own. The thing is, she is telling you she is working on her and that she cannot have a relationship with you. That is enough for her, so the likelihood of her giving you what you want to hear is not likely. Addiction and recovery are very selfish, rightfully so. She has a very long life in front of her, and she likely learned in rehab that it does not take much to tip the scales and relapse. She is trying to keep that from happening it sounds to me. Also, in all reality, she was likely told that being with a man almost twice her age is not something she will want long term.

The people in rehab have seen it all. They are focused on one thing, getting the addict clean and getting them to remain clean. Anything in their life that MAY trigger a relapse they will be encouraged to get away from.

I am not trying to be harsh with you, simply telling you what I believe to be the truth of the situation. I encourage you to get support from Alanon or Celebrate Recovery and counseling to get through this difficult time. Of course, SR will support you also!

HerbiceXXV

Hopeful & Zoso, you two have been great. You help advise me on a level I can understand. You aren't vague, and I need that. I appreciate receiving the benefit of your experience. I suppose on some level, we're all in 'recovery' of sorts... sadly, my schedule doesn't allow me to attend naranon meetings in my area, or none that meet at times when I could actually go. I rely on you folks, largely, to vent and air my confusion, hurt, and sadness. I thank you for that.

But please, you aren't going to hurt my feelings. I appreciate the frankness.

Txhelp

I don't have much to add but considering you labeled yourself "codendent" perhaps try reading some books on codependency. They have been helpful for me.

Codependent no More by Melony Beattie.

hopeful4

I am sorry because I know it is still hurtful. Feel free to vent away and find as much support as possible here. SR is wonderful and I give these fine people credit for helping me through some of my hardest times.

Good luck to you!!!

atalose

With us codies our relations become "addictions" our addiction. And often when we use the term "needing closure" especially after being told why the other person needs to end the relationship means we are fighting accepting its over. We make up all these things in our minds on why we still need to reach out to them, why we must remain friends, etc.

It's really no different then the alcoholic/drug addict saying they want to stop drinking-drugging and can just go to the bar to say hello to old friends or visit the drug dealer just to see how they are doing. Addiction tells us so many things, the obsession takes over our minds until WE decide we want to let go of our addiction (relationship) and get help.

It's good you are posting here, you can also try therapy and if nar-anon meeting are not available in your area give al-anon a try.

zoso77

Dude, I dated someone quite a bit younger than me. And for all her positive attributes (and there are many), when it came time to be a mature adult, she was not capable. And she was older than your girl is now.

You cannot have expectations of someone who is inherently unable to meet them. Letting go of her will suck, but letting go of someone like that sucks less than either being coupled to them or trying to hang onto them for the wrong reasons.

Trust me on this.