Suffering
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by CaringScared 
Aaaand he's back in the hospital, and telling me it's my fault, which makes no sense.
I never asked to be your mountain, dearest one...
I never asked to be your mountain, dearest one...
But that does not make it your responsibility that he's in there.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's because he does not want to take any responsibility. He wants YOU to mother him and like a naughty child he will try to behave, sometimes. What sort of life is that for YOU? It's not one.
It's no more your fault than it is mine that he was in an accident. That's crazy, addiction talking. And a HUGE amount of manipulation. Horrible.
I am pretty sure you were not in the relationship to be his mommy.
Step away babe....step away and do the work you say you need to do FOR YOU.
xxx
It's no more your fault than it is mine that he was in an accident. That's crazy, addiction talking. And a HUGE amount of manipulation. Horrible.
I am pretty sure you were not in the relationship to be his mommy.
Step away babe....step away and do the work you say you need to do FOR YOU.
xxx
Originally Posted by CaringScared
Thank you, hopeful.
Some bad incident preceded him landing in hospital, apparently the night I saw him at a party. At the party he told me bad things happened to him whenever I wasn't with him. Still, I didn't leave with him. So a bad thing happened, so it was my fault because I wasn't with him.
I have read about situations like these--he thinks if I monitored him all the time, then he wouldn't use, but it just does not work like that (needless to say? Maybe you've noticed).
I have a lot of work to do.
Some bad incident preceded him landing in hospital, apparently the night I saw him at a party. At the party he told me bad things happened to him whenever I wasn't with him. Still, I didn't leave with him. So a bad thing happened, so it was my fault because I wasn't with him.
I have read about situations like these--he thinks if I monitored him all the time, then he wouldn't use, but it just does not work like that (needless to say? Maybe you've noticed).
I have a lot of work to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
It is manipulation. My take: he wants at all costs to avoid rehab, so the solution is to put me in charge of things.
He says me and his father don't spend enough time with him. It is true he is very isolated. But he can do something about that. Go to the library. Go to meetings. Anything to get out of his dungeon of an apartment...
I really have to remind myself that the person I'm seeing now is who I'm dealing with. It isn't realistic or even fair to expect him to be the person he was when I first got to know him, the person who was caring and pleasant to be around.
I cannot get rid of the bad feelings inside of him and I can't help him learn how to do it.
I asked him what his goal was and he said, To be sober. But I can never do it, I always go back. I said, What can you do differently? He said, get a job, I think that would help. But I'm lazy.
I get it, I get that W.'s issues are as serious as they get. If you could see the things he wrote four years ago before he started with crack...obviously a very troubled person. Intelligent, I'd say brilliant, strikingly knowledgeable, but troubled with a capital T. ("Think I'll drink some tequila!" Reponses: "Don't drink W..." "No one understands or cares about me." Responses: "You'd be surprised...")
It is of course rooted in my childhood that I got involved with him, never fails to amaze me how our anxieties about someone else obscure the anxieties we carry about our own issues.
I just feel like hiding right now.
He says me and his father don't spend enough time with him. It is true he is very isolated. But he can do something about that. Go to the library. Go to meetings. Anything to get out of his dungeon of an apartment...
I really have to remind myself that the person I'm seeing now is who I'm dealing with. It isn't realistic or even fair to expect him to be the person he was when I first got to know him, the person who was caring and pleasant to be around.
I cannot get rid of the bad feelings inside of him and I can't help him learn how to do it.
I asked him what his goal was and he said, To be sober. But I can never do it, I always go back. I said, What can you do differently? He said, get a job, I think that would help. But I'm lazy.
I get it, I get that W.'s issues are as serious as they get. If you could see the things he wrote four years ago before he started with crack...obviously a very troubled person. Intelligent, I'd say brilliant, strikingly knowledgeable, but troubled with a capital T. ("Think I'll drink some tequila!" Reponses: "Don't drink W..." "No one understands or cares about me." Responses: "You'd be surprised...")
It is of course rooted in my childhood that I got involved with him, never fails to amaze me how our anxieties about someone else obscure the anxieties we carry about our own issues.
I just feel like hiding right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,606
oh dear... i just saw your thread again. You know, i am probably the last person to say that, but i really think it's time for you to let him go. He's trying to drag you down. You're feeling responisble for his actions and for him ending up in the hospital.
You can't help him, you told me you were with him when he used, so no matter if you're there or not, he uses, so it has nothing to do whether he uses or not.
Please, as someone else said, leave that care, take care of yourself. You can't help him as long as he doesn't really want to change.
You can't help him, you told me you were with him when he used, so no matter if you're there or not, he uses, so it has nothing to do whether he uses or not.
Please, as someone else said, leave that care, take care of yourself. You can't help him as long as he doesn't really want to change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Thank you, buttercup. Yeah. I'm trying to gear up.
Surreal how everyone acts like we've been given a big present by him being in the hospital...I mean, we have been, but when he gets out...
Surreal how everyone acts like we've been given a big present by him being in the hospital...I mean, we have been, but when he gets out...
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