And here we go..
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
And here we go..
The next cycle of crazy has begun. I have not been in my home for 3 weeks now. My AH and I have spent time together on the weekends, and they have been wonderful. ..until we get back to reality. Every weekday we hardly speak. He does not call or txt. He finds reasons to avoid me or reasons to be angry with me. It makes it so hard to work my program, , but I guess it would not be a program if it was easy. Anyway, he tells me he likes not being around my drama, which makes my self-esteem even lower. I feel like I have handed him keys to a life with his wife, without having to live with her. It hurts my feelings, but all I wanted was time for me. You know, when they are in treatment they are pampered to and we have to keep life going while they are gone. All I wanted from this time appart was to have some time for me to get better. Guess maybe he likes being single, no one to hold him accountable. Just makes me sad.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like he's stringing you along, having his cake and eating it too. He gets the fun part of a marriage without putting in any of the work or effort, because you're doing all that.
When I was in an alcoholic relationship being emotionally abused, my self esteem was pretty much non existent. Part of my program has been to look at how I was responsible for allowing unacceptable behavior in my life and taking crumbs of affection in exchange for real love.
You're worth more than what you're allowing and accepting from him, but only you can draw that boundary. He will never change what he is doing because this setup obviously works for him. He gets what he wants and gives very little in return. You deserve better. Hugs and strength to you.
When I was in an alcoholic relationship being emotionally abused, my self esteem was pretty much non existent. Part of my program has been to look at how I was responsible for allowing unacceptable behavior in my life and taking crumbs of affection in exchange for real love.
You're worth more than what you're allowing and accepting from him, but only you can draw that boundary. He will never change what he is doing because this setup obviously works for him. He gets what he wants and gives very little in return. You deserve better. Hugs and strength to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I appreciate your response lady. Last night I saw him I went to MY house. I was in one of those sad moods, you know? But all of the flags are there. There is this person who I have begged for months, prior to me knowing about my H's addiction, to please stay away from. He has been pretty much the only fight we have had for 6 months now. While my AH was in treatment, the truth came out that he was using with this guy. So after he gets released and he promised he would not talk to him anymore, he still is. So last night, huge fight over this guy again. My AH tells me again once again "fine, I won't talk to him anymore!".
So the fight was over, right? WRONG! We leave to go to the store. We get back and that F*****er's truck is at my house! We pull into the driveway and this guy is IN my house!! My AH says "Amy, I will handle this!" Goes into the garage and says "my wife is here!" And the guy leaves. H says nothing about setting boundries about showing up at our house or stopping contact. I was so pissed I could not think straight, so I left. Still have not heard from my H. STILL!
Lady, as soon as I calm down I am going to tell him to pack my crap and put it into storage and sell the house. He has NO respect for me, my thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. He wants me to get better so he can coninue to be a POS and then it will not effect me. Well, last night I had to make myself not go back into the dark place I was a few months ago. Trust me, the thoughts were back full swing, but I just shut my phone off and forced myself to go to bed.
I have so much hate inside today. Anger. He tells me that I dont have the right to tell him who to talk to or whether or not he works a program, true. But I do have the right to say F this and make myself stay angry. I am so tired of not being a priority to him, so I am damn gonna make sure I am a priority to myself. I feel like never going back to Al Anon, therapy or anything else and just walking away from this so called life and never turning back. Starting somewhere new. I have no friends here, or anyone I can trust. The company moves people in and out all the time, so when you get close to someone they leave. Mostly out of the country.
Okay, now I am rambling. Sorry. I say sorry for everything. No, I am not sorry. I am angry and it is okay to feel this way today! Tomorrow may be different. Lol
So the fight was over, right? WRONG! We leave to go to the store. We get back and that F*****er's truck is at my house! We pull into the driveway and this guy is IN my house!! My AH says "Amy, I will handle this!" Goes into the garage and says "my wife is here!" And the guy leaves. H says nothing about setting boundries about showing up at our house or stopping contact. I was so pissed I could not think straight, so I left. Still have not heard from my H. STILL!
Lady, as soon as I calm down I am going to tell him to pack my crap and put it into storage and sell the house. He has NO respect for me, my thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. He wants me to get better so he can coninue to be a POS and then it will not effect me. Well, last night I had to make myself not go back into the dark place I was a few months ago. Trust me, the thoughts were back full swing, but I just shut my phone off and forced myself to go to bed.
I have so much hate inside today. Anger. He tells me that I dont have the right to tell him who to talk to or whether or not he works a program, true. But I do have the right to say F this and make myself stay angry. I am so tired of not being a priority to him, so I am damn gonna make sure I am a priority to myself. I feel like never going back to Al Anon, therapy or anything else and just walking away from this so called life and never turning back. Starting somewhere new. I have no friends here, or anyone I can trust. The company moves people in and out all the time, so when you get close to someone they leave. Mostly out of the country.
Okay, now I am rambling. Sorry. I say sorry for everything. No, I am not sorry. I am angry and it is okay to feel this way today! Tomorrow may be different. Lol
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My experience has been that active alcoholics and addicts don't see others as real people with real emotions. For them others are a means to getting something that they want. Love doesn't enter into it. There is no respect, boundaries are meaningless to people who are active in their addiction.
You have every right to be angry. Use this time to make a plan for what you want in your life and give yourself time to cool off before you act. A decision made in anger can be as bad as one made while drunk/high.
You have every right to be angry. Use this time to make a plan for what you want in your life and give yourself time to cool off before you act. A decision made in anger can be as bad as one made while drunk/high.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
My experience has been that active alcoholics and addicts don't see others as real people with real emotions. For them others are a means to getting something that they want. Love doesn't enter into it. There is no respect, boundaries are meaningless to people who are active in their addiction.
You have every right to be angry. Use this time to make a plan for what you want in your life and give yourself time to cool off before you act. A decision made in anger can be as bad as one made while drunk/high.
You have every right to be angry. Use this time to make a plan for what you want in your life and give yourself time to cool off before you act. A decision made in anger can be as bad as one made while drunk/high.
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