bmychelle

I haven't been here in a long time. I made a lot of changes and went on with my life. I have been happy. I married, landed my dream job and never looked back. Four weeks ago while visiting my mom, I thought she was having a stroke and brought her to The ER. Four days later, I brought her home, under Hospice care with a short prognosis. Her breast cancer had returned with a vengeance. It has metastasized to her lungs, bones and brain. The Hospice Dr. said yesterday that she probably has 2-6 weeks to live. She is two months short of her 65th birthday. She has been supporting my 45 year old sister and 30 year old brother for the last two years. They are both actively using. Up until Saturday they were coming and going all hours of the night or not coming home at all. I changed the locks and instituted a 10 pm curfew. I told them if they don't make it home in time, they need to find another place for the night. Last week, my brother came home after a meth binge and terrorized all of us for the better part of three hours. Mom would not allow me to call the police. Although she is close to the end, she still walks and has many lucid moments. Her wish is to die at home. Because of this, I am staying here along with my husband and daughter. My daughter was rushed by ambulance from school yesterday after having a seizure. She had been seizure free for 14 months. The stress is unbelievable and I'm not sure which way is up. I'm looking for some guidance, suggestions and support. This is the most insane situation I've ever been in and I don't know what to do.

Mountainmanbob

so very sorry to hear about your mothers illness
and your brother and sister are being no help what so ever
and at this moment I will pray for your daughter
just sent out 5:37 AM
I hope and pray that you can stay strong until your mother passes
and get much distance between you and the addicts ASAP
MM

FeelingGreat

Hi Mychelle, I'm sorry for the awful position you find yourself in. I suppose you have to balance your mother's wishes and the need to make a peaceful home for her last days. I'm not sure of what resources are available where you are, but the hospital may be able to help with finding visiting nurses and carers.
Number 1 priority, if you are up for it, is to get medical and financial power of attorney while your mother is still lucid. This will allow you make decisions for your mother's welfare and keep your siblings away from binge money. This is far better done when your mother can authorise it herself.
All the best, don't try and do everything yourself if you can help it.

bmychelle

I have all of that, it was done the day she left the hospital. I haven't left this house in almost a month except to meet the ambulance at the hospital and then bring my daughter home once stable. Another brother, a teacher came to stay with mom while I was gone. He, like me, refuses to deal with the craziness of active addiction. He leaves when it gets to be too much. I am doing my best to allow my mother to die with peace. She is trying to protect the addicts and continues to ask me to give them chances. I'm at a loss.

FeelingGreat

What does giving them a chance involve? If it's anything that goes against your safety or sense of propriety, then you will have to do what you think is best. You've established the boundaries and if you're going to look after your mother, you'll need to keep them in place. Try not to feel guilty; I know your mother is dying, but that doesn't make her wishes helpful to you and your siblings.
You are going stir crazy. Can you arrange to get out for a couple of hours a day by using a carer, friend or relative?

bmychelle

I'm so afraid to leave. I have friends that I trust but they are no match for my siblings. I feel so guilty, but my husband has hit the limit of tolerance and wants to make them leave. I figured changing the locks so they can't come and go during the night OR bring strangers in while we're sleeping would be enough. I guess the blatant disregard that our mother is dying, is what gets to me most. They actually complain to HER that I am mean and unreasonable. They were borrowing money from her until I took her purse and told them no more. I just want to know if I'm making a big mistake? It's not like ill get a second chance to do it. Once my mother passes, that will be it.

hopeful4

Your mother deserves peace and serenity. How awful for you to have to go through this. I am so very sorry. It is not healthy to have addicts who are causing all that disrupt to her or to your family while you are caring for her.

I would make them leave myself, but only you can make that decision. Addiction takes over their life, they are not the children she knew or the siblings they should be to you. They are addicts, that becomes their #1 in life over and above everything else.

I am truly so so sorry. I hope God holds you tight in his arms and give you lots of strength and courage during this time.

FeelingGreat

What would be the mistake? Letting them stay, or forcing them out? To be fair, if you're able to let them stay within the rules, then it would be a lot less disruptive for your mother and less conflict for you. But I don't know how much grief they are causing you.
I might have this wrong, but you don't want anyone who relieves you to have to cope with them if they stay?
I'm not sure of the money situation, but an alternative would be to book them a hotel room for the duration (your mother pays).
If the situation is becoming uncontrollable then whatever your mother's wishes a hospice might be the only alternative.