In-Laws, my newborn son, and "just pot"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 7
In-Laws, my newborn son, and "just pot"
So, I just joined and this is my first post. Thank you for this community. Reading the forums is already helping me.
I have managed to avoid drugs and alcohol addiction myself so far, thank goodness. I certainly see how easy it can be to go into addiction and not feel able to come back.
I recently found an impressive girlfriend and we now have a 3-month old baby boy. He is a marvel. GF's parents are difficult for me. Classic pothead hippy father, self-blaming controlling/enabler mother. I let them know right away that I'm not fond of drug use, which of course resulted in having it blown in my face. I am threatened and bullied, have been standing in knee-deep mud when he revved up a 4WD car and drove it straight at me, he stole and destroyed my hard drive system that contained the only copies of 18 years of my professional media work... while they were sleeping in my RV camper and I was in a borrowed tent in the rain. The stories go on, you get the picture. Not my favorite guy.
But my problem, of course, is with the GF. She insists "he would never do anything like that", even about things that she watched him do. He is the best person in her world, and any questioning his treatment of me evokes extreme defensiveness on his behalf and equal rejection of me. It's not a safe subject. But I am on the path. At times I have put up with bullies. But when my son is affected, frankly I would die to protect him.
Here's the question:
The yearly family campout where most of the above violence toward me occurred is about to happen again. Last year we were secretly pregnant, this year we have an infant son. I just let the GF know that I will not allow my son to be exposed to drugs. We will go only on the assurance that there will be no acceptance of other people taking drugs, holding drugs, being on drugs, discussing drugs positively, or smelling like drugs anywhere near him. This includes marijuana.
She simultaneously insists that this is no problem whatsoever since nobody in her family has anything like a drug problem, and panics that I am ending the relationship forever between our son and her parents. Hm.
Ok, the question:
Right? Isn't it "just pot", as our RECENTLY EX-therapist said, and should I really be making such a severe stand about people using marijuana around my son? Ok, so her father said on the day my son was born that he would get him hooked on drugs. But that's perfectly ok with my son's mother, because it was "just a joke". Am I being unduly retributive? And speaking of retribution, once I unleash this particular email, my life will undoubtedly suffer at the hands of her family.
Is it worth dropping this bomb? Or should I just shut up and put up?
And further: how do I make this relationship work without neglecting my reality?
I have managed to avoid drugs and alcohol addiction myself so far, thank goodness. I certainly see how easy it can be to go into addiction and not feel able to come back.
I recently found an impressive girlfriend and we now have a 3-month old baby boy. He is a marvel. GF's parents are difficult for me. Classic pothead hippy father, self-blaming controlling/enabler mother. I let them know right away that I'm not fond of drug use, which of course resulted in having it blown in my face. I am threatened and bullied, have been standing in knee-deep mud when he revved up a 4WD car and drove it straight at me, he stole and destroyed my hard drive system that contained the only copies of 18 years of my professional media work... while they were sleeping in my RV camper and I was in a borrowed tent in the rain. The stories go on, you get the picture. Not my favorite guy.
But my problem, of course, is with the GF. She insists "he would never do anything like that", even about things that she watched him do. He is the best person in her world, and any questioning his treatment of me evokes extreme defensiveness on his behalf and equal rejection of me. It's not a safe subject. But I am on the path. At times I have put up with bullies. But when my son is affected, frankly I would die to protect him.
Here's the question:
The yearly family campout where most of the above violence toward me occurred is about to happen again. Last year we were secretly pregnant, this year we have an infant son. I just let the GF know that I will not allow my son to be exposed to drugs. We will go only on the assurance that there will be no acceptance of other people taking drugs, holding drugs, being on drugs, discussing drugs positively, or smelling like drugs anywhere near him. This includes marijuana.
She simultaneously insists that this is no problem whatsoever since nobody in her family has anything like a drug problem, and panics that I am ending the relationship forever between our son and her parents. Hm.
Ok, the question:
Right? Isn't it "just pot", as our RECENTLY EX-therapist said, and should I really be making such a severe stand about people using marijuana around my son? Ok, so her father said on the day my son was born that he would get him hooked on drugs. But that's perfectly ok with my son's mother, because it was "just a joke". Am I being unduly retributive? And speaking of retribution, once I unleash this particular email, my life will undoubtedly suffer at the hands of her family.
Is it worth dropping this bomb? Or should I just shut up and put up?
And further: how do I make this relationship work without neglecting my reality?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 65
So...I'm not very good at diplomacy.....
It's pretty unlikely that you will be able to shield your son from any exposure to drugs throughout his entire life, and it kinda sounds like your more bothered by how you've been treated in the past by the family.....
So whether or not you should go, or take your son, or worry about if anybody there should do or say anything drug related, why don't you just deal with the mistreatment?
I wish there were a nicer way to put it, but your problem isn't the drugs (though they may play a role) it's being treated badly, and a wonderful thing you could do for your son is show him how self-respecting adults manage interpersonal difficulties.
If you need to remove yourself from the situation, because it's unhealthy for you, that sounds great, but if you need to put ultimatums on everybody else, on your sons behalf, as payback for past deeds, does that really seem like a good idea to you?
It's pretty unlikely that you will be able to shield your son from any exposure to drugs throughout his entire life, and it kinda sounds like your more bothered by how you've been treated in the past by the family.....
So whether or not you should go, or take your son, or worry about if anybody there should do or say anything drug related, why don't you just deal with the mistreatment?
I wish there were a nicer way to put it, but your problem isn't the drugs (though they may play a role) it's being treated badly, and a wonderful thing you could do for your son is show him how self-respecting adults manage interpersonal difficulties.
If you need to remove yourself from the situation, because it's unhealthy for you, that sounds great, but if you need to put ultimatums on everybody else, on your sons behalf, as payback for past deeds, does that really seem like a good idea to you?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If you go, can you and your girlfriend and child have your own tent/RV/space to camp out or would you be again in this RV with these people?
Perhaps the solution is to go, but go on your own and have an escape plan if drugs show up...or bad behaviour.
Personally, I would never confine myself to the same space as anyone who used drugs, pot included. I have zero tolerance for pot and don't care where that puts me when others judge me. I stand with my own values and having no drugs at all in my life is important to me, to my peace and my health.
Your girlfriend may not want to take sides when it would mean choosing you or her family. Fair enough, but you can still choose to go or stay home, or to go with your own camping gear and boundaries.
Good luck, I hope this turns out to be more fun than you anticipate.
Hugs
Perhaps the solution is to go, but go on your own and have an escape plan if drugs show up...or bad behaviour.
Personally, I would never confine myself to the same space as anyone who used drugs, pot included. I have zero tolerance for pot and don't care where that puts me when others judge me. I stand with my own values and having no drugs at all in my life is important to me, to my peace and my health.
Your girlfriend may not want to take sides when it would mean choosing you or her family. Fair enough, but you can still choose to go or stay home, or to go with your own camping gear and boundaries.
Good luck, I hope this turns out to be more fun than you anticipate.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Wow, being such a codie, this one makes me worried.
The father sounds dangerous, but then I tend to be overreacting.
If you feel you must go, perhaps make sure of the least chance for confrontation.
This guy does not sound like he is going to respect your feelings, and probably may actually do as he did the last time, try to goad you into some sort of argument/fight/truckrunningoveryou. He sounds like he enjoys being an azz.
I wish you well. Sometimes when I am around someone i do not like, I just try to act like I am happy and have no thoughts about them whatsoever. Don't poke the allligator, I guess, would be my motto.
The father sounds dangerous, but then I tend to be overreacting.
If you feel you must go, perhaps make sure of the least chance for confrontation.
This guy does not sound like he is going to respect your feelings, and probably may actually do as he did the last time, try to goad you into some sort of argument/fight/truckrunningoveryou. He sounds like he enjoys being an azz.
I wish you well. Sometimes when I am around someone i do not like, I just try to act like I am happy and have no thoughts about them whatsoever. Don't poke the allligator, I guess, would be my motto.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 7
@Anotherfool:
You're totally right that I won't be able to shield my son from drugs his while life. But growing up with them inside his family comfort zone is not something I'm ok with. I want to start talking with him about drugs as soon as he's old enough to talk with. But I don't want it to happen by default with other people. That's one point.
The fact that these other people are continually hostile toward me makes me thrust them even less with my son.
Thank you for pointing out that the mistreatment toward me needs to be dealt with. It's been addressed: After (and during) that trip, I tried discussing it with my GF. Her response was that if I couldn't love her parents unquestioningly, our relationship won't work. I accepted her ultimatum and left. She let her parents know more or less why I left her (still hiding her pregnancy), she assured me that her father wanted to apologize and had no harmful intent. I went to see them, he was still covertly hostile toward me... The point is, it's been addressed, but there's not much to do about this guy's behavior. Every time we see him, something goes missing / gets broken in some way that is clearly a message to me and that my GF is trained to ignore and deny.
So the mistreatment is ongoing. I'm not just being retributive for past offenses, which frankly I can get over. There is an ongoing threat and ongoing abuse. Their entire family (16+ people) support this system and attack any questioning of it.
The question about removing myself from the situation is complicated by the necessity of protecting my son. This man has demonstrated that he wants to hurt my family by destroying things, and has already threatened to expose him to drugs in a way that I believe is serious. So I'm not ok letting him have access to my son without my supervision.
@Ann:
I am with you all the way on zero tolerance for pot.
My GF cannot be counted on to protect my son from the drugs or behavior that she "cannot see". And there is no way she will leave my son behind or stay away from the campout herself. Yesterday she openly said "I would rather see my son become a drug user than limit his relationship with his grandparents."
Wow. So I can get the custody battles and restraining orders started, or find a way to get her on board. She agrees that my position is valid. She simultaneously is doing everything she can to fight it and to disempower me.
I've already suggested a drug-free zone, perhaps joining the great-grandparents who already get that respect. She actually starts crying at the thought of it, completely refusing to consider it. Our son is her trophy that brings all the attention in the world to focus around herself. She desperately seems to need to wield him in her father's presence. There's no doubt I'm in for a fight. I just wonder if this is the right fight, the right way to go about it... and of course I'm hoping for affirmation, or at least redirection.
You're totally right that I won't be able to shield my son from drugs his while life. But growing up with them inside his family comfort zone is not something I'm ok with. I want to start talking with him about drugs as soon as he's old enough to talk with. But I don't want it to happen by default with other people. That's one point.
The fact that these other people are continually hostile toward me makes me thrust them even less with my son.
Thank you for pointing out that the mistreatment toward me needs to be dealt with. It's been addressed: After (and during) that trip, I tried discussing it with my GF. Her response was that if I couldn't love her parents unquestioningly, our relationship won't work. I accepted her ultimatum and left. She let her parents know more or less why I left her (still hiding her pregnancy), she assured me that her father wanted to apologize and had no harmful intent. I went to see them, he was still covertly hostile toward me... The point is, it's been addressed, but there's not much to do about this guy's behavior. Every time we see him, something goes missing / gets broken in some way that is clearly a message to me and that my GF is trained to ignore and deny.
So the mistreatment is ongoing. I'm not just being retributive for past offenses, which frankly I can get over. There is an ongoing threat and ongoing abuse. Their entire family (16+ people) support this system and attack any questioning of it.
The question about removing myself from the situation is complicated by the necessity of protecting my son. This man has demonstrated that he wants to hurt my family by destroying things, and has already threatened to expose him to drugs in a way that I believe is serious. So I'm not ok letting him have access to my son without my supervision.
@Ann:
I am with you all the way on zero tolerance for pot.
My GF cannot be counted on to protect my son from the drugs or behavior that she "cannot see". And there is no way she will leave my son behind or stay away from the campout herself. Yesterday she openly said "I would rather see my son become a drug user than limit his relationship with his grandparents."
Wow. So I can get the custody battles and restraining orders started, or find a way to get her on board. She agrees that my position is valid. She simultaneously is doing everything she can to fight it and to disempower me.
I've already suggested a drug-free zone, perhaps joining the great-grandparents who already get that respect. She actually starts crying at the thought of it, completely refusing to consider it. Our son is her trophy that brings all the attention in the world to focus around herself. She desperately seems to need to wield him in her father's presence. There's no doubt I'm in for a fight. I just wonder if this is the right fight, the right way to go about it... and of course I'm hoping for affirmation, or at least redirection.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 7
@Chicory:
Thanks for making me laugh about it! You are right on about this guy's character. He shows the same inconsideration for his own family members, so at least it's not personal.
I do my best to avoid poking the alligator. But the alligator keeps snapping at my heels, and has started eyeing my delicious infant son.
Thanks for making me laugh about it! You are right on about this guy's character. He shows the same inconsideration for his own family members, so at least it's not personal.
I do my best to avoid poking the alligator. But the alligator keeps snapping at my heels, and has started eyeing my delicious infant son.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
How much does your son see his grandfather now? Is it weekly, monthly, daily??
I only ask because - he is just a baby and will not know what is going on around him until he is much older. I can see that your GF is torn and broken up about the whole situation. She assumes because she has turned out "fine" that her son will also be fine. It's easier to "not-see" than to start tearing apart ones childhoold - and everything wrong with it. It's easier to pretend everything is fine.
Getting attention and love for having a new baby is normal and needed for women. Accept that the father does take a back seat (sometimes) at social situations. Especially in the moms family arena.
I would bring some good books with you.... and just keep yourself as busy as possible while keeping on eye on things.. and then return to business as usual.
If you and your GF can't talk about the subject without fighting.. then it should be brought up in a safe situation.. like you already stated - a therapist office.
Good luck.
I only ask because - he is just a baby and will not know what is going on around him until he is much older. I can see that your GF is torn and broken up about the whole situation. She assumes because she has turned out "fine" that her son will also be fine. It's easier to "not-see" than to start tearing apart ones childhoold - and everything wrong with it. It's easier to pretend everything is fine.
Getting attention and love for having a new baby is normal and needed for women. Accept that the father does take a back seat (sometimes) at social situations. Especially in the moms family arena.
I would bring some good books with you.... and just keep yourself as busy as possible while keeping on eye on things.. and then return to business as usual.
If you and your GF can't talk about the subject without fighting.. then it should be brought up in a safe situation.. like you already stated - a therapist office.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Agree that she needs therapy. She has lived with this her entire life and denial is a strong thing to overcome.
As far as drugs, they are illegal. Nothing else to say. You have a baby that won't be exposed to illegal things. I would make that rule now, and stick to it.
As far as the parents, you won't change their behaviors, don't even try.
So sorry.
As far as drugs, they are illegal. Nothing else to say. You have a baby that won't be exposed to illegal things. I would make that rule now, and stick to it.
As far as the parents, you won't change their behaviors, don't even try.
So sorry.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
The father sounds like a complete jerk. Who says they are going to get their grandchild hooked on drugs? Sorry but I wouldn't find that funny in the least. It is obviously a sticky situation since your GF refuses to see the bad in her father. Like Ann asks, can you at least not have to share the same space with them? That would be my biggest concern. Where is the mom in all of this mess?
I understand the part of having parents who are nasty or bullying towards you. If they are too much out of line then maybe you can find somewhere else to hang or leave if it gets too bad. You do what you can to keep the peace as long as they do not do anything that will ultimately hurt your son. Good luck with the outing. Hopefully you can find other people to hang out with who are much nicer and have the same values as you do.
I understand the part of having parents who are nasty or bullying towards you. If they are too much out of line then maybe you can find somewhere else to hang or leave if it gets too bad. You do what you can to keep the peace as long as they do not do anything that will ultimately hurt your son. Good luck with the outing. Hopefully you can find other people to hang out with who are much nicer and have the same values as you do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Welcome to the family- Your story is too close to home for me with XAH inlaws.
I can tell you from my experiences and fights and arguments- You are on guard for everything and anything they do. If they even breathe in your direction it will cause a problem. I'm not saying I don't blame you at all.
I know from my experience that you can not control someone elses actions. Goodness it took me 12 years of pure HECK to learn that.
My suggestion would be DO NOT GO. Your GF is going to always defend them Again and Again and Again no threating or pleading is going to change it. lesson learned personally.
I choose not to be around those people- I was to scared if the cops showed they would arrest me just for being there. Plus all the snide comments I would hear " That is what happens when you marry someone that doesn't smoke weed"
Yes I care about my brain cells I need them all.
Gosh rethinking all the crap I went through with marijuana/drinking makes me sick.
I could argue night and day and my exAH would never defend me. Now I know he is little boy in a mans body still looking for validation and protection and security he never received as a child from him dad.
Realizing it is not about you will help you in so many ways. That is the way those people are and you are not going to change them.
If I was you I would start looking for another counselor and lots and lots of reading material. I feel like I already know what you are going to experience and I truly am sorry.
I can tell you from my experiences and fights and arguments- You are on guard for everything and anything they do. If they even breathe in your direction it will cause a problem. I'm not saying I don't blame you at all.
I know from my experience that you can not control someone elses actions. Goodness it took me 12 years of pure HECK to learn that.
My suggestion would be DO NOT GO. Your GF is going to always defend them Again and Again and Again no threating or pleading is going to change it. lesson learned personally.
I choose not to be around those people- I was to scared if the cops showed they would arrest me just for being there. Plus all the snide comments I would hear " That is what happens when you marry someone that doesn't smoke weed"
Yes I care about my brain cells I need them all.
Gosh rethinking all the crap I went through with marijuana/drinking makes me sick.
I could argue night and day and my exAH would never defend me. Now I know he is little boy in a mans body still looking for validation and protection and security he never received as a child from him dad.
Realizing it is not about you will help you in so many ways. That is the way those people are and you are not going to change them.
If I was you I would start looking for another counselor and lots and lots of reading material. I feel like I already know what you are going to experience and I truly am sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 7
Thank you all for helpful insights! It feels so much better just not being alone in this. And it helps me figure out where to put the line between my legitimate protective concerns and my own extra-heightened sensitivities.
I definitely prefer erring on the side of protecting my son.
About not going at all - that would work for me personally, but I do not trust my GF to always stand up for my son's well-being. If he's there, I need to be there too.
@KeepinItReal: I'm OK with my GF getting more of her family's attention than I do. My problem is with the hostility, bullying, and harassment they show me. Quite right that therapy is important for her (and for me, and for us...)
@hopeful4: Thanks. Denial is a big river to cross... And if I'm pushing her across it, it'll be slower and more dangerous. I think the same: If I am ever going to stand up against having drugs around my son, best to start right at the beginning. Any later time will would seem arbitrary and would be much harder to enforce. I see the introduction of a new family member as a good moment to introduce the change - in what is acceptable for my son - I realize I'm not changing other people.
@needingabreak: Right! Who says that? And what kind of grandma and mother stand by with their lips pressed together, avoiding eye contact while it sinks in? !?@#!?!? Not ok. I love the idea of a separate drug-free camp zone. But GF freaks out and insists she'd rather see him on drugs than have any threat to their relationship in existing family structure. wow. And I got this lady pregnant. Shame on me. I promise she has some good qualities too. One of the greatest things I want to remember: "find other people to hang out with who are much nicer and have the same values as you do." But GF grew up very isolated and never learned to bond with friends outside the family. Working on that.
@Radiant: You're totally right about this making me extra sensitive to everything they do. Lately they "help out" by pushing the stroller at the market, and always end up 100 feet away through the crowd, never trying to get back together. Yesterday GF's mother actually snatched my son out of my arms while I was talking to someone else. It seems she wants him to be her child, not mine. That won't work. I've prided myself on being straightforward and direct, especially with people who consider themselves authorities. Yet somehow I have a hard time speaking up in this family dynamic. I'm so completely outside, and my priorities are so completely unacceptable to any of them.
Conclusions of the week:
> We're scheduling a visit with a new family counselor. She's interested in getting one of her own, though I doubt it will happen unless I make it happen.
> I've decided (with insight gained here) to stop talking with the GF about her parents' behavior, and to talk directly with the parents about it.
> I'm planning to create a list of rules that I find acceptable around my baby, to present them to the entire family and request respectful cooperation with. I know this is heavy-handed. But better to do it with a new child than in reaction to one specific event. Rules will include things like:
> No drugs, drug use, drug smells, or drug talk around my son.
> Make eye contact, ask, and wait for a response before holding the baby.
> After holding the baby, return him to the parent he was taken from.
> While holding the baby, remain within arms reach of the parent he was taken from.
What do you think? And THANK YOU!!!
I definitely prefer erring on the side of protecting my son.
About not going at all - that would work for me personally, but I do not trust my GF to always stand up for my son's well-being. If he's there, I need to be there too.
@KeepinItReal: I'm OK with my GF getting more of her family's attention than I do. My problem is with the hostility, bullying, and harassment they show me. Quite right that therapy is important for her (and for me, and for us...)
@hopeful4: Thanks. Denial is a big river to cross... And if I'm pushing her across it, it'll be slower and more dangerous. I think the same: If I am ever going to stand up against having drugs around my son, best to start right at the beginning. Any later time will would seem arbitrary and would be much harder to enforce. I see the introduction of a new family member as a good moment to introduce the change - in what is acceptable for my son - I realize I'm not changing other people.
@needingabreak: Right! Who says that? And what kind of grandma and mother stand by with their lips pressed together, avoiding eye contact while it sinks in? !?@#!?!? Not ok. I love the idea of a separate drug-free camp zone. But GF freaks out and insists she'd rather see him on drugs than have any threat to their relationship in existing family structure. wow. And I got this lady pregnant. Shame on me. I promise she has some good qualities too. One of the greatest things I want to remember: "find other people to hang out with who are much nicer and have the same values as you do." But GF grew up very isolated and never learned to bond with friends outside the family. Working on that.
@Radiant: You're totally right about this making me extra sensitive to everything they do. Lately they "help out" by pushing the stroller at the market, and always end up 100 feet away through the crowd, never trying to get back together. Yesterday GF's mother actually snatched my son out of my arms while I was talking to someone else. It seems she wants him to be her child, not mine. That won't work. I've prided myself on being straightforward and direct, especially with people who consider themselves authorities. Yet somehow I have a hard time speaking up in this family dynamic. I'm so completely outside, and my priorities are so completely unacceptable to any of them.
Conclusions of the week:
> We're scheduling a visit with a new family counselor. She's interested in getting one of her own, though I doubt it will happen unless I make it happen.
> I've decided (with insight gained here) to stop talking with the GF about her parents' behavior, and to talk directly with the parents about it.
> I'm planning to create a list of rules that I find acceptable around my baby, to present them to the entire family and request respectful cooperation with. I know this is heavy-handed. But better to do it with a new child than in reaction to one specific event. Rules will include things like:
> No drugs, drug use, drug smells, or drug talk around my son.
> Make eye contact, ask, and wait for a response before holding the baby.
> After holding the baby, return him to the parent he was taken from.
> While holding the baby, remain within arms reach of the parent he was taken from.
What do you think? And THANK YOU!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
For me, this has less to do with drugs. This has to do with her family being amazing d-bags to you and treating you in a very passive-aggressive manner.
Remove the drugs and ask yourself: is the behavior okay?
I don't need to know about pot or have an argument with anyone about something being "just pot" in this. My bottom line would simply be that I wouldn't want my child around people who willfully destroy your professional work, blow smoke in your face (and perform a multitude of other acts that you allude to).
If this were me (and I know it's not), I would demand space from these people. At the very least. Sanctuary. Physical space during your camping.
There are far deeper things going on here. The fact that your partner is perfectly okay with her family treating you this way is unacceptable in my eyes. It's your choice to make it work and to compromise, yes, but as a parent you have the power to draw a very distinct line in the sand about how YOU are treated and how much your child is exposed to some pretty eff'ed up behavior. (For the record, blowing smoke in someone's face is akin to having someone flip the bird. Right in your face.)
It seems like a powder keg waiting to blow if you go into this environment, feeling like the protective papa bear, and these people act in a pretty despicable manner. While your partner stands by. Me? I would want to resolve the differences with my partner first--and be 100% on the same page with boundaries before I entered this type of arena.
The bottom line? You need to be comfortable and feel safe. That is NEVER too much to ask for and if others roll their eyes at you, blow smoke in your face, or belittle your needs, then you need tools to handle it, to mitigate, to maneuver in a healthy manner and in a way that won't inflame the situation. That's a lot of heavy lifting, isn't it?
Do it on your terms.
Remove the drugs and ask yourself: is the behavior okay?
I don't need to know about pot or have an argument with anyone about something being "just pot" in this. My bottom line would simply be that I wouldn't want my child around people who willfully destroy your professional work, blow smoke in your face (and perform a multitude of other acts that you allude to).
If this were me (and I know it's not), I would demand space from these people. At the very least. Sanctuary. Physical space during your camping.
There are far deeper things going on here. The fact that your partner is perfectly okay with her family treating you this way is unacceptable in my eyes. It's your choice to make it work and to compromise, yes, but as a parent you have the power to draw a very distinct line in the sand about how YOU are treated and how much your child is exposed to some pretty eff'ed up behavior. (For the record, blowing smoke in someone's face is akin to having someone flip the bird. Right in your face.)
It seems like a powder keg waiting to blow if you go into this environment, feeling like the protective papa bear, and these people act in a pretty despicable manner. While your partner stands by. Me? I would want to resolve the differences with my partner first--and be 100% on the same page with boundaries before I entered this type of arena.
The bottom line? You need to be comfortable and feel safe. That is NEVER too much to ask for and if others roll their eyes at you, blow smoke in your face, or belittle your needs, then you need tools to handle it, to mitigate, to maneuver in a healthy manner and in a way that won't inflame the situation. That's a lot of heavy lifting, isn't it?
Do it on your terms.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 7
@ZombieWife: Great name. You're right too. Their behavior toward me is unacceptable. I do watch it ebb and flow in relation to their drug uptake, so the two are not completely separate. I guess blaming the drugs is easier for me to do because "drug behavior" is recognizable, well-documented, and comes with legal accountability. And I really do believe that if he were to completely clean out, he would be obligated to consider his issues, do battle with his demons, and do some long-avoided growing up.
It's much harder to simply decide that he's a terrible person, and to tell my GF that he's a terrible person. With drugs as the focus there is at least a possible solution, as well as an external party to absorb some of the terrifying responsibility for his behavior.
Your message is right on point and will continue to be extremely helpful in the coming weeks as I navigate this situation. Thank you deeply.
It's much harder to simply decide that he's a terrible person, and to tell my GF that he's a terrible person. With drugs as the focus there is at least a possible solution, as well as an external party to absorb some of the terrifying responsibility for his behavior.
Your message is right on point and will continue to be extremely helpful in the coming weeks as I navigate this situation. Thank you deeply.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
We don't know that he's a "terrible person," but there could be some issues with him with his past, trauma, life issues. The thing is, that's not your baggage to take on. What he can do is be respectful of your boundaries and you as a person.
And yes, I see how the drugs and the behaviors are connected. I imagine your partner has simply grown used to this type of environment and it can be hard for children to "rock the boat." Still, couples therapy could help you create tools for this type of situation.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, though. It sounds pretty stressful.
(((hugs)))
And yes, I see how the drugs and the behaviors are connected. I imagine your partner has simply grown used to this type of environment and it can be hard for children to "rock the boat." Still, couples therapy could help you create tools for this type of situation.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, though. It sounds pretty stressful.
(((hugs)))
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Bo....I have no advice, but just wish your girlfriend could see it's the next generation she needs to protect.
Sounds like she is desperate to "pretend" her family is normal. Can relate. How about you, how do your parents interact with her? Are there any healthy examples of families you both can look to as a guide?
I'm very sorry she thinks this is acceptable, you are a new family, with new dynamics and traditions and a drugged up camping fest is not one of them.
So many rules tells me it's going to be exhausting.
Sounds like she is desperate to "pretend" her family is normal. Can relate. How about you, how do your parents interact with her? Are there any healthy examples of families you both can look to as a guide?
I'm very sorry she thinks this is acceptable, you are a new family, with new dynamics and traditions and a drugged up camping fest is not one of them.
So many rules tells me it's going to be exhausting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
Bozeman enough: how many hours a day are you the main caretaker of the baby?
How many hours a day are you with the baby every day?
These rules seem over the top:
> Make eye contact, ask, and wait for a response before holding the baby.
> After holding the baby, return him to the parent he was taken from.
> While holding the baby, remain within arms reach of the parent he was taken from.
As a mom I would have been very happy for any of my family members to hold the baby so I could shower (not within arms reach) and I would have trusted them to know when to pick up the baby (without asking and making eye contact) if baby was fussy or they wanted to hold baby, I would have been very happy if they had picked up the baby (with or without asking) while I was cooking, cleaning, tired, etc.
As far as returning the baby to the person who was holding him, this is kind of weird.
So if grandma was holding the baby and he seemed hungry she should pass it to you so you can pass it to the mom?? (assuming she is breastfeeding) It's not a game. The baby is not a new toy. He is a small person.
Assuming the mom is with the baby most of the time I don't think it's right for you to dictate what she is allowed to talk about around her son (no drug talk). Not saying drug talk is great but the baby is little...
The mom trusts these people and you don't.
It's not really up to you.
Even if you got separated I doubt you'd get full custody so these people are going to be a part of your child's life unless your partner decides otherwise.
My advice is to be super awesome nice to the mom for the next week.
Take the baby for walks while she has a long bath... etc.
And if you don't have an Ergo baby carrier (with a baby insert)
you could get one before going camping...it will allow you to take your son
for nice walks, snug right against your chest.
How many hours a day are you with the baby every day?
These rules seem over the top:
> Make eye contact, ask, and wait for a response before holding the baby.
> After holding the baby, return him to the parent he was taken from.
> While holding the baby, remain within arms reach of the parent he was taken from.
As a mom I would have been very happy for any of my family members to hold the baby so I could shower (not within arms reach) and I would have trusted them to know when to pick up the baby (without asking and making eye contact) if baby was fussy or they wanted to hold baby, I would have been very happy if they had picked up the baby (with or without asking) while I was cooking, cleaning, tired, etc.
As far as returning the baby to the person who was holding him, this is kind of weird.
So if grandma was holding the baby and he seemed hungry she should pass it to you so you can pass it to the mom?? (assuming she is breastfeeding) It's not a game. The baby is not a new toy. He is a small person.
Assuming the mom is with the baby most of the time I don't think it's right for you to dictate what she is allowed to talk about around her son (no drug talk). Not saying drug talk is great but the baby is little...
The mom trusts these people and you don't.
It's not really up to you.
Even if you got separated I doubt you'd get full custody so these people are going to be a part of your child's life unless your partner decides otherwise.
My advice is to be super awesome nice to the mom for the next week.
Take the baby for walks while she has a long bath... etc.
And if you don't have an Ergo baby carrier (with a baby insert)
you could get one before going camping...it will allow you to take your son
for nice walks, snug right against your chest.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 7
@Croissant: Thanks for understanding. My family lives further away, but when we visit they are extremely cordial toward my new family. It's a great point that we need to agree on family role models, though I don't think mine offer that either because of separation and distance. I'll look out for that in others though... maybe new friend couples who also have kids.
@February13: Thank you for your different perspective. I'm the main caretaker for 2-4 hours each day when his mother does her work. Otherwise we are both around, sharing responsibilities. I mostly work on building our home while she mostly stays with the baby, but we trade off. We have a couple of carriers, and the Ergo is a favorite.
The reason I came up with such draconian-sounding rules for baby handling is that the grandma is in the habit of A) pulling the baby out of my arms without asking or making eye contact, B) handing the baby to the passive-aggressive/drug smoking grandpa instead of back to the parents, and C) taking the baby far away from both parents whenever possible, apparently to establish her authority in making autonomous decisions regarding the new baby. None of these work for me. I think (A) should be obvious. (B) is an issue because I want to establish direct communication with the grandpa. If he wants to hold the baby, I want him to interact with the parents to do so. This should help create new feelings of trust and respect, instead of underhanded power-plays. (C) Is a similar issue. I couldn't agree with you more that the baby is not a new toy, but a small person. These grandparents are rudely treating him like their new toy, and already starting to fight us for him. His mother won't stand up to them in any way. I am not comfortable with the lack of respect they show to us in many ways, most particularly concerning the baby.
As to your statement that "It's not really up to you", I strongly disagree. He is my son. He is not their son. The mother and father need to agree on what is appropriate for their child. That the mother is comfortable exposing him to passive-aggressive power tripping and illegal drug use does not make it acceptable.
@February13: Thank you for your different perspective. I'm the main caretaker for 2-4 hours each day when his mother does her work. Otherwise we are both around, sharing responsibilities. I mostly work on building our home while she mostly stays with the baby, but we trade off. We have a couple of carriers, and the Ergo is a favorite.
The reason I came up with such draconian-sounding rules for baby handling is that the grandma is in the habit of A) pulling the baby out of my arms without asking or making eye contact, B) handing the baby to the passive-aggressive/drug smoking grandpa instead of back to the parents, and C) taking the baby far away from both parents whenever possible, apparently to establish her authority in making autonomous decisions regarding the new baby. None of these work for me. I think (A) should be obvious. (B) is an issue because I want to establish direct communication with the grandpa. If he wants to hold the baby, I want him to interact with the parents to do so. This should help create new feelings of trust and respect, instead of underhanded power-plays. (C) Is a similar issue. I couldn't agree with you more that the baby is not a new toy, but a small person. These grandparents are rudely treating him like their new toy, and already starting to fight us for him. His mother won't stand up to them in any way. I am not comfortable with the lack of respect they show to us in many ways, most particularly concerning the baby.
As to your statement that "It's not really up to you", I strongly disagree. He is my son. He is not their son. The mother and father need to agree on what is appropriate for their child. That the mother is comfortable exposing him to passive-aggressive power tripping and illegal drug use does not make it acceptable.
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