rdcrds

I have never really posted about my problems on a message board so please forgive me if this is either long or the words come out wrong since i never learned how to type.

I am a 58 year old Male who is sober never got caught up in addiction only cigs but i quit when i was 20.

My wife left 5 years ago on drugs with another man and i have 3 kids all grown up i have a 39 year old Son a 34 year old Daughter and a 29 year old Daughter.

When they were little me and my wife were together and we did fight some mostly over her drinking but never hard drugs till they were grown up.

My Son does NOTHING WRONG he does not even cuss LOL he has a drink here and there on special days but has his own house a GF no kids and is living a normal life.

My Youngest Daughter 29 is getting married soon and just got a good paying job and seems to be doing good. She does smoke cigs but that is it.

Now my problem. My 34 year old Daughter has a 8 year old Girl and a 6 year old Boy. The Dad of them and my Daughter were never married. They lived with us till they were 1 and 2 years old the kids.

They moved into a duplex where my daughter at this time smoked pot and the father did a little but he liked to yell a lot. He never hit her but they did not get along and he left so she moved back home.

Now for the last 6 years she and my 2 Gran Kids have lived with us in a 3 bedroom home. My Daughter got hooked on Roxy's when the kids were about 3-4 and finally went to a methadone clinic for help.

I have about raised the 2 kids by myself. I love them more then my own life. My gran Daughter who is 8 now is the love in my life. I try and protect them for everything bad.

Well about 6 months ago my Daughter failed a drug test at the clinic and was told if she did again they would put her out. Well she failed and slowly for 2 weeks was put out of there.

For 2 days she was in pain she could not take and would seek pills from people. All this time i was asking her to get help go to a place but she is grown and i can't force her.

Well the last 3 weeks have been Hell. She got hooked on Herion at 1st snorting it then needles. She will go out at night when the kids are in bed and do it.

We have begged her to please get help she says i am but each day now she runs to this guy and gets a fix. I so wish this guy would get busted but then she would just find someone else.

Yes she loves her kids and they love her more then anything cause for 7 years she was semi normal and did everything with them every day.

But now i am at a loss what to do. The Dad of my 2 Gran kids has a house and a older wife now. He sees them every other weekend and unless things are the way he wants it he does not see them. As far as i know he and his wife are clean but the kids do not like it there.

They come home and beg to not have to spend the night there again. They have harder rules but as far as i know they do not hit them or any other abuse.

I love my Gran Kids with all my heart and sole i do not want to see them end up with there Dad and his new Older wife BUT CPS or something is going to happen and the kids get taken.

Neither of them have full custody of the kids. The kids have always lived with us now for 6 plus years and he pays child support but legally its a open custody.

My Daughter now does this blame game on me She tells me it is how she had to grow up with me and my wife fighting and me spanking her when she did wrong. She blames me for everything. She says she knows she needs help but since i push her to get help it makes her not want to get help.

Right now she is still on needles and the other night there Dad took the kids out to eat but then took them home and my Daughter flipped out and went over to get them. Well since no custody its who they are with at the time. He said he heard she was on drugs and wanted the kids away from there.

They went to school the next day and now are back home

So after all this here is my problem. My Gran kids love it here. They have there own room and its like there favorite place in the world. My gran Daughter tells me each day how much she loves me for helping take care of them and understands her mom has a problem but she does not know the problem.

She does know there is a chance she will have to live with her Dad she never sees or grew up with only here and there sees him. She does love him but she does not like his wife.

I do not want to lose my Gran Kids but i can't let this go on with my daughter. She does not get it in her head that unless she gets clean then the CPS will come take them away which will break there hearts.

So i am at a loss. I can take my Daughter blaming me for it as i shrug it off and block it out but my Gran kids are my life.

In my heart i know they need a clean mom but she refuses each day to go and get real help.

I am scared 1 day the cps will come and take them away. I try and talk to there dad but he is not all stable.

1 time when the kids did not want to spend the night there and came home on the weekend he got so mad he put every toy they own outside and said either come get it or the trash people or people riding by will take it. The kids knew it and got all there toys and brought them home. Some were a lot of money.

So he is not perfect either. In fact he has not came to there last 2 BD's cause he did not plan it. So unless he plans it he will not come.

How do i get my daughter to see she will die and lose her kids unless she gets help and now.

What about my gran kids? as i type this it makes me cry about them cause for the last 6 years i have been there life. I take them out to eat out to parks to Chucky E Cheese. My Gran Daughter even draws pictures and gives them to me that say my Grand pa the winner of who i love the most.

But i feel it all ending. I wish they were 12 and 13 as at that age they can see whats going on and would understand more. But when they go to there Dads and do not come home they do not understand.

Yes i am a enabler I do not put my Daughter out and tell her get right or do not come back cause she makes threats that she will take the kids with her or if she can't she will make sure the Dad has them all the time without me seeing them.

I guess i am selfish that i want them to stay living here since its the only place they have ever known and love but something has to change or my Daughter will die of OD and the kids will be gone.

What gets me is the kids love her that when she is gone for even a half a day they get upset cause they are use to the Mom they had for almost 7 years who now has changed.

I guess i am chicken but if i could just get her into rehab and the kids stay here and her get clean comeback that would be great. But i know the Dad once he found out would have them there at his house in a second.

Raider

I have no advice. Someone will come along with wise words. Praying for you and your family.

hopeful4

Addicts are famous for doing what they can to condone behavior they know deep down is wrong, that is why she is blaming you.

I would recommend speaking to a very very good attorney. I would also document EVERY SINGLE THING. Times she leaves, when she comes back, how you know she is using, photos of anything, who was with her, every single thing. If you go to bat for custody of the grandkids, you are going to need a very solid timetable.

Also, if she has H on her, call the police.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You will find lots of support here. Someone needs to advocate for the kids, it's looking like that you're the one.

Good Luck and God Bless.

MamaCas

In our state the grandparents have certain rights if they can prove it would be detrimental to the child(ren) to be separated from them. Some of the conditions are: if the child lived with the grandparents for an extended period of time, or if the parent(s) are unable to care for them. I agree that you need to document everything and get a good lawyer. You doing a great thing by taking care of them!

tabac210

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers--I know how we grandparents fiercely love & want to protect those grandbabies!

You probably already know you can't force your daughter to get clean--my kids & I tried, but until my husband found rock bottom all on his own, no amount of threats, begs, or nags did the trick.

I work with a lot of grandparents who are parenting again, and am somewhat familiar with the laws in my state, but you need to consult an attorney-check for legal aid in your area so there isn't a huge expense at least in the "information" stage. Also, you might try to call CPS & get some guidance anonymously.

First, make SURE there isn't a custody agreement somewhere. If your daughter is the legal custodial parent, she should be able to at least sign over temporary custody. Also, since they live with you, bio dad might be willing to at least sign some sort of custody or care agreement in case the kids need emergency medical attention if mom isn't around for work, treatment, etc. I don't mean to sound like I'm encouraging you to be sneaky, but if you have some legal standing, at least your foot is in the door. If the kids were a little older the courts will take into account what they want, but in my state at least they doesn't really happen until 11-12 years of age.

If there isn't a custody agreement, then bio dad has more rights than you right off the bat, BUT with his new life he may not want custody full time, unless the temptation of no more child support is foremost in his mind.

Good luck to you. I hope things work out for you & your family. Keep loving those grandkids & being there for them no matter what!

rdcrds

Thank you! i can say my Daughter would not fight for custody and prove she does drugs would not be hard all you got to do is look at her arms. She also would admit it.

I guess the problem i have is her threats about that if she loses the kids she will make sure there Dad (never married to her and hardly cares) gets them. He would take them in a minute as he has custody of 1 kid from someone else and also sees another child from another of his mistakes.

I have no doubt he loves them but in some wired way. I mean all the stuff he has done and not coming to there BD parties to putting there toys out by the road for not staying the night. he went a few months with out seeing them at that time cause they did not want to spend the night and my Daughter never makes them stay.

So the threats are if i take them from her she will make sure they go to him since he does have a open custody of them.

The perfect world would be her to go get help while they stay here but she claims that if she goes into rehab there Dad would not stand for them to be here cause he would have the right to take them.

She told me today it takes time to get right. I told her please get help and she says you can't just do it. She was here last night and was with the ids a little more the last few days but still is not clean.

If there Dad was a deadbeat and was nowhere to be found my daughter would be out living on the street or getting right 1 or the other but i have let this go on of trying to get her to go into rehab on her own because of the kids. If i put her out or forced her into a rehab the kids would go to there Dads and i know it would break there hearts and mine also.

And getting them back even if she got clean would be hard he is very hard to deal with at times.

When you raise your Gran Kids for 7 years in the same house it is very hard to tell them they have to go live with there Dad who has seen them maybe a total of 10 days in a year. They understand he is there Dad and they like him they just do not like to stay there. They have told him and me this is where they want to be but again to him that is not what matters it is control.

KeepinItReal

My inlaws are in a similar situation. They also deal with their daughters blatant and disrespectful use of IV heroin because of the kids.
She is incapable at this point to be able to care for either of her kids (or herself)

I hope you know that you are doing this out of the love you have for both your grandkids. You know they are better off with you and you are right that the father would probably get custody. It's terribly unfair.

Just dropping a line to tell you that you are in a tough situation and it's not a black and white thing. DO what you feel is the best and keep praying. Prayer works.

grammy52

I am in a similar situation with my 34 yr old alcoholic daughter, she just called the cops on me last Sunday because I had taken my 6 yr old granddaughter out of the house(they live with me also) because she was passed out by 11am on Saturday. It is so hard to watch!

Ann

In a situation like this I would still get legal advice to know what your rights are. If the father knew you had custody of the children he might not be unhappy with the arrangement. They are safe, and he can visit freely if that is advisable.

Like I said, first see a lawyer and find out what your rights and options are.

And...God bless every grandma here who is raising or caring for their grandchildren...and at least one great grandma here who does the same and does a wonderful job.

Hugs

rdcrds

Yes it is hard to get them to get help. I have done the be nice and be tuff and none work.

What i hate the most is the threats of we will move out f you do not stop telling me to get clean. The i know i have to get clean.

And what gets me is this stuff takes over your life. Before this stuff even on methadone she was with her kids night and day and nothing was more important and now today she seen them 2 minutes before school and just now at 8pm a few minutes before bed.

rdcrds

Today was another bad day. Like many days the kids get up for school. I help get them ready and she does also and they go off to school me driving them. I come back to this from her"" the pain is kicking in from not having something. So i get the please Dad i need something for pain. I say go to a rehab center they will help you with the pain. Or stay clean 4 days and at least go to the methadone clinic.

Well her anger starts and the threats start. The 1st threat is the everyday one of "I will call there Dad and have him get them i am done with you and you will never see them again" Now of course i know ill see them again but then it gets worse she starts to pick stuff up and throw it. She picks up cans of food and starts to throw them around screaming i need 20$

The kids are at school so at least they do not see this. So she gets in her car and off she goes.

I pray each day she will get help but i have no doubt now that something bad has to happen. The kids get taken and given to there Bio Dad which may or may not work.

Or she gets arrested and has to dry out cold in jail. Or she finally like years ago when she was on roxy's gets help.

That is my only hope at this point. She had a bad addiction to Roxy's and went to the methadone clinic and at least was doing stuff that was legal.

I really hope not too many people have to go through as much as i do for the little ones. It is sad and i only wish 5 years went by fast so they would be old enough to have some say in where they will live.

hopeful4

I am so sorry.

XXX

BlueSkies1

She's lying. Completely. Protecting her addiction is her top priority.

She won't take the kids off somewhere, not for long anyway, because she doesn't have two nickles to rub together. She can't afford herself, much less her kids.
Their father might very well end up with custody. However, remember...the kids love you, will request to be with you, and you will more than likely be able to be granted grandparent rights. You can easily prove you have raised these children. Their father's wife isn't going to want them around all the time anyway! She is going to say--ship them off to granddad's for the weekend, I need a break, if she even wants to raise them at all! She probably doesn't.
My point here is that you may very well end up with custody of those kids. Even if you didn't have custody all the time, you will get weekends or something like that.
Your daughter probably doesn't want their father to have custody. See how she runs and rescues them herself?
What you do and when you do is is up to you. You could start enforcing some boundaries now, such as --don't come home when you're using.
She isn't going to take those kids when she has no money, no good place to take them. She will leave them with you and go off to some place with other addicts, and when she's using she doesn't want to take care of her kids anyway. She just wants to lay back and enjoy her high.
Your back is against the wall with your daughter black-mailing you. You have to make a very hard decision here and you know it. It isn't going to make her get clean either, she could die in a drug house. So where's the win in this lose-lose? Just your own sanity.
If you tell her don't come home when you're using, at least you and the kids could be away from all that. Just my suggestion.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is stop enabling her. This means cutting off the MONEY. The place to live. The food you provide her. The shelter. Whatever else.

I have a friend who is in the same position. His middle daughter, her two kids, live with him, he's single. She uses him in every way possible with every imaginable excuse for every irresponsible thing she does. He keeps talking he's going to kick her out, but he doesn't. Meanwhile he gets no sleep, is worried night and day, takes care of her kids for her far too often, and she continues to use in her denial. It doesn't get any better on its own, and he's been going through this too for years. As long as they can keep finding ways to avoid the truth and responsibility, they will continue to keep using and being irresponsible. It has to hit them smack in the face for any chance of recovery.

MamaCas

A little of my experience based on BlueSkies' response...

My grandson's dad always used him to get his parents to pay the rent. He would say that if he didn't have a place to live or if his utilities were off he wouldn't be able to see his son. So, they'd pay. But the truth was, even when the rent was paid and the utilities were on he still didn't see his son...(his choice) His son was just a pawn in the real game ... keeping his addiction alive.

I spent a lot of time letting my fears of what might happen rule my decisions and actions instead of getting legal advice from someone who knew what they were talking about. Funny thing was, we picked a lawyer out of the phone book and I prayed before we went that the lawyer would hear our story and not just see us as another case. Turns out, several years ago, the 'randomly picked laywer' had been through the exact same scenario my daughter had. She knew just what to do.

I stood in a hospital hallway this time last year crying over the fact that the A was up to his antics again as the doctor obliviously put morphine in his IV. A complete stranger came up to me, gave me a hug, and said "God's got this". And you know, he does! I look back and can see his hand of protection.

God bless you and those sweet babies!

markdara91298

I just recently had my dear son whom I love so much arrested with new charges and on top of violating a 5 year parole received in January 2014. One statement I read that helped me make my decision was "until an addict takes full responsibility and faces major consequences for their actions they will never recover". I knew after 7 years of ups and downs; the last year was pretty good, I had to allow him to feel the pain of his actions and not our family. Oh it hurts to see them hurt but only when they are not rescued anymore will they help themselves. Fight for those babies. You will get them. My friend is raising her two grands and told her daughter to love her life. The daughter is still on drugs with two new babies. The cycle never ends if we don't end it. Good luck and God bless!!

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

rdcrds

Thank you all so much. I do not type very well but i can read and it does help. Well she went away for 2 days. Yes she called to check on them and came home last night. She did not ask for money since but God only knows how she got any cause she is a user.

1 thing the Kids never see any drugs. Even when she smoked Pot she would not around them so both my almost 7 and 8 year old Gran kids only hear about it not see it.

I keep harping the same thing to her over and over again and that is do you love your kids? see the person she was even 2 months ago loved those kids more than anything.

She never dated nor sought to date guys so only cared about her kids. But it was once she got booted out of the methadone clinic that things changed. She had a user guy look at her and while she is not seeing any of them serious just them having interest in her.

I know she does not want to lose them and i know she really does not want them to stay and live with there Dad but she uses that i know to get to me.

Yesterday we went to the store and my Gran Daughter seen us park next to a car that was just like that of there Dad's new OLDER than him wife. And she did not want to go into the store in case she was in there. I know she is not a drug user nor a beat on the kids person but it is the fact they just do not like her. They have seen her for over 2 years now so it is not like she is someone new.

It is hard when you live the day looking out the window on a Saturday wondering who is going to pull up? There Dad saying he is taking them? or there Mom.

1 more thing. I get sad when i think about this but i have lost in my hearty so much love for my Daughter that when she is in pain from not having a fix it does not bother me

If it were not for the Gran Kids she would already be long gone from my help. I do it 100% for my Gran Kids and 0% for her. I know she is my child but right now that person is not there it is a user.

lastly for the weekend. I take my Gran kids to parks game places everything just to be in a happy place. They never see the bad much. She claims she can't go into rehab cause if she does then the kids will go to there dads cause eh will not let them live her without her here. She claims now she can get on saboxin or whatever it is. From going through this years ago with my wife and now with her i have found out it is the people you hang with. Her best of friends before she got this bad all have kids and all do not have them living at home with them. a Few the gran Parents live with and a few with the Dad's so she is not around people who can tell her wise things.

If the kids Dad was a deadbeat dad and lived in another state and did not care 1 bit about them My Daughter would not be in my home period. I would call her bluff on her sending them to a shelter or whatever but all i do in a nutshell is try to keep them from having to go live with there Bio Dad cause in my heart and i know there heart they would be hurt for life really bad.

The Dad is not a deadbeat and everyone has some stupid ways like he does but for the most part he is sincere in his love for all the kids he is a Bio father to. So its not like they would go to a worse place to live just not with the ones they love.

If you have grown kids or kids growing up there friends they choose watch cause that is most of the time what they become. I never liked her 1 friend cause she has a boy and does not care about him at all being gone from her and i am scared my Daughter may go there as well.

Mountainmanbob

perhaps you and her make an appointment
with a local Pastor
they have seen the destruction
and have helped many to escape

MM

ladybug77

I was placed in a similar situation with my grandkids, I strongly advise you to see an attorney, I sued my son and his wife for guardianship of my grandson and won quite handily. My daughter signed her youngest child over to me rather than get clean.
The love you have for your grandkids comes through so beautifully. As much as you want your daughter to do the right thing, it isn't going to happen until SHE is ready to do the right thing. Should you choose to pursue custody or guardianship the first thing you will be advised to do is to get your daughter out of there. I had to do that and it was rough at first, they love their parents and don't understand this is no life until they live away from it for a while. I hope you choose to pursue this, speak to an attorney

rdcrds

Well my 7 and 8 year old gran kids both were sick yesterday and 1 came home from school. Both had a fever last night and after i gave them Meds and in bed i texted her to come home now or never come home. I know she loves them but she also loves the fix. She claims she is trying to get off by only snorting it which to me is a excuse.

I hate the "I am trying BS" She came home and checked on them both and then went to sleep with my Gran Daughter on her bed. But i never knew a Herion addict could go 2 days without sleep but then sleep a full day.

Like a few days ago she comes home and went to sleep and that was 2AM and now she is still zonked out and if i let her she would be till tonight. The thing is she claims she always waits till the pain kicks in to take something but how do they go 24 hours without it gets me.

But i have not given her any money and she does not even look like some of the addicts i have seen. But i have told her it does take time BUT you got to start. I hate the "Im trying" i am trying to not use needles only snort till i get help. I know its excuses but really she needs to wake up and see that 2 kids she loves so much and 2 kids that love her so much can't make it unless she gets clean. She does love them and does come running when they need help but last night when i told her they had a fever she was like okay give them meds. Before she would fly home but now she is like they will be ok.

But when i gave her the riot act of come home for your kids they are so sick or never come home she came running but then has slept ever since.