Information please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Durban
Posts: 3
Information please
Hi I am new to this site. I would like some information / assistance on how to deal with a dilema. I dated a cocaine addict for 6 months. We never really committed to each other & I suspect I was just a means to an end for him..... using my car etc.. etc... He is a wonderful artist but I suspect he lives from one painting to the next to support his habit. He "snorts" cocaine & says he has 1 gram a day, is he lying about the amount he uses. He has no tv, no car & no furniture & sleeps on a mattress on the floor. Previously he earned a lot of money, drove nice cars & had a nice home until he got divorced about 6 to 7 years ago. His nose is constantly runny, dry mouth & scratches his hands a lot. I do notice his moods change - he will scream at me for no reason - totaly out of the blue & say such cruel things to me & not even apologise. He met a new lady about 1 month ago who lives in a different city. He hooked onto her as he has always wanted to live in the city she lives in - cheaper rental etc.... He says he is moving to clear his ways but him & i did spend a weekend in this city last year - he stayed an extra 2 weeks to get "clean". I found a msg on his phone when he had only been in this city for 2 days & already found a dealer. My question is... are cocaine addicts abusive & cruel - together with his drinking. Will he change for this lady. Thanks so much, i would be so grateful if someone could give me some advice.
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Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by information 
...i would be so grateful if someone could give me some advice.
Do not mourn him. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Now you can seek that kind of healthy relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Durban
Posts: 3
Wow thanks for replying so quickly. I think for 6 months he made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Can drug addicts be cruel to Others? He does not seem to have a conscience.i guess I am lucky she came along which forced me to cut ties. Are drug addicts liars and manipulators? Sorry for all the questions but I am needing to clear my head and am I correct in saying he can never truly succeed in a relationship due to his Addiction?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
His only relationship is with the addiction. You will never ever have a successful relationship unless he wants recovery. You cannot force him into recovery, he has to want it for himself, which does not seem likely at this time.
Yes, they do turn it all around and make you start to feel crazy. They play blame games and manipulate others all the time. The #1 thing in their head is the drug, when can they get it again, and how can they pay for it.
Please please move on. Do not procreate with this man. Read, read, and read some more. See the stickies at the top of the forum threads. There is lots and lots of good info in there that will help you.
You cannot make him well, if that were possible we all would have done so years ago with our loved ones. Move on while you have the chance. This is my opinion after years of education and living with an addict. As you will hear many say, take what you want and leave the rest. We cannot control your choices, but we can give you our opinion and knowledge.
I am sorry. God Bless.
Yes, they do turn it all around and make you start to feel crazy. They play blame games and manipulate others all the time. The #1 thing in their head is the drug, when can they get it again, and how can they pay for it.
Please please move on. Do not procreate with this man. Read, read, and read some more. See the stickies at the top of the forum threads. There is lots and lots of good info in there that will help you.
You cannot make him well, if that were possible we all would have done so years ago with our loved ones. Move on while you have the chance. This is my opinion after years of education and living with an addict. As you will hear many say, take what you want and leave the rest. We cannot control your choices, but we can give you our opinion and knowledge.
I am sorry. God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
You got real lucky. I would take him leaving as a huge blessing.
And no he won’t change for anyone, and can’t change for anyone, but himself. Sadly she is just another pawn in the game.
What do they say, addicts don’t have relationships, they take hostages … the hostage in the moment goes fairly willingly in most cases with lies they tell themselves as they ignore the danger signs. Yes addicts lie to protect their addiction, and some addicts are just liars by nature… yes addicts are manipulative, but then those around allow themselves to be manipulated.
It all makes sense, this is cocaine … the have nothing, the mood swings. And in terms of the cruel … think of it is this way, this is who he is now … it is easier that way to see the truth, the drugs and alcohol use doesn’t really matter because in the moment he will be exactly who he is.. Never ever live in the past of someone or in the promise of something for a future.
And honestly it may be beneficial to spend more time looking at why you walked into a relationship with him, YOUR WHY"S ... Not trying to understand him.
And no he won’t change for anyone, and can’t change for anyone, but himself. Sadly she is just another pawn in the game.
What do they say, addicts don’t have relationships, they take hostages … the hostage in the moment goes fairly willingly in most cases with lies they tell themselves as they ignore the danger signs. Yes addicts lie to protect their addiction, and some addicts are just liars by nature… yes addicts are manipulative, but then those around allow themselves to be manipulated.
It all makes sense, this is cocaine … the have nothing, the mood swings. And in terms of the cruel … think of it is this way, this is who he is now … it is easier that way to see the truth, the drugs and alcohol use doesn’t really matter because in the moment he will be exactly who he is.. Never ever live in the past of someone or in the promise of something for a future.
And honestly it may be beneficial to spend more time looking at why you walked into a relationship with him, YOUR WHY"S ... Not trying to understand him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by information
Wow thanks for replying so quickly. I think for 6 months he made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Can drug addicts be cruel to Others? He does not seem to have a conscience.i guess I am lucky she came along which forced me to cut ties. Are drug addicts liars and manipulators? Sorry for all the questions but I am needing to clear my head and am I correct in saying he can never truly succeed in a relationship due to his Addiction?
On the question as to whether a relationship can succeed with that going on.....that depends upon an individual's definition of a successful relationship. What is your definition? Do you think you were experiencing a successful relationship?
If you think he's going to treat her differently than he treated you, the answer is "probably not". But a good sole searching question might be......how long would you have put up with it if he hadn't ended the relationship? And if you would have continued to allow yourself to be treated disrespectfully, why?
You don't have to answer these questions on the forum. And I'm not suggesting that there's anything wrong with you. I'm simply saying that you deserve to be treated with care, love, and kindness. Those things, along with trust, are the foundation (in my opinion) for a successful relationship. And usually, someone who is addicted can't treat themselves with care, love, and kindness.....or be honest even with themselves.
Welcome to the forum......this is a great place to explore, ask questions, and do some great self awareness study. I hope you stick around.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 30
I am a month in to my breakup with my cocaine and pill addicted ex. He has already leeched on to someone else so he has somewhere to live and something to drive. It is getting easier every day and this place has helped so much. It has helped me focus on the things I have gained since leaving him rather than the things I have lost. There is a really good stickie up about that is from a guy named Jon that says what addicts do. It makes me very thankful that I am out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 30
Here is the stickie:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I dated a cocaine addict for 6 months.
I suspect I was just a means to an end for him..... using my car etc.. etc...
He "snorts" cocaine & says he has 1 gram a day, is he lying about the amount he uses.
He has no tv, no car & no furniture & sleeps on a mattress on the floor.
His nose is constantly runny, dry mouth & scratches his hands a lot. I do notice his moods change - he will scream at me for no reason - totaly out of the blue & say such cruel things to me & not even apologise.
I found a msg on his phone when he had only been in this city for 2 days & already found a dealer.
My question is... are cocaine addicts abusive & cruel - together with his drinking. Will he change for this lady. Thanks so much, i would be so grateful if someone could give me some advice.
he's a user and a abuser. not sure what you saw originally that drew you to him - coke addict, no money, no car, mattress on the floor, daily habit, moody and mean - but BE GLAD you got out in six months. do not concern yourself with what it might take for him to CHANGE....and no he won't change just cuz the right gal comes along. he's too busy taking what he can when he can from who he can.
no not all addicts are mean. not all addicts are cruel. not all addicts use others. but the thing is that is what THIS addict does....the one you were involved with for a short term. how HE treated YOU.
be glad he's gone and moved on. and take some time to reflect on the RED FLAGS that were flying when you met him and why you didn't pay attention to them. use that information to the good, to help make you better stronger and more resistant to being used by others.
I suspect I was just a means to an end for him..... using my car etc.. etc...
He "snorts" cocaine & says he has 1 gram a day, is he lying about the amount he uses.
He has no tv, no car & no furniture & sleeps on a mattress on the floor.
His nose is constantly runny, dry mouth & scratches his hands a lot. I do notice his moods change - he will scream at me for no reason - totaly out of the blue & say such cruel things to me & not even apologise.
I found a msg on his phone when he had only been in this city for 2 days & already found a dealer.
My question is... are cocaine addicts abusive & cruel - together with his drinking. Will he change for this lady. Thanks so much, i would be so grateful if someone could give me some advice.
he's a user and a abuser. not sure what you saw originally that drew you to him - coke addict, no money, no car, mattress on the floor, daily habit, moody and mean - but BE GLAD you got out in six months. do not concern yourself with what it might take for him to CHANGE....and no he won't change just cuz the right gal comes along. he's too busy taking what he can when he can from who he can.
no not all addicts are mean. not all addicts are cruel. not all addicts use others. but the thing is that is what THIS addict does....the one you were involved with for a short term. how HE treated YOU.
be glad he's gone and moved on. and take some time to reflect on the RED FLAGS that were flying when you met him and why you didn't pay attention to them. use that information to the good, to help make you better stronger and more resistant to being used by others.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
sole searching....doesn't mean looking at our feet or between our toes.....lol. Of course, I meant soul searching....fingers and brain down always work together. (It's ok to laugh.....I am.....lol).
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
What kind of advice are you looking for?
Do you think someone will come on here and say, "Oh he sounds fantastic, you should definitely stick around and hope he becomes clean."?
Not to be too blunt, but the only thing it sounds like you're getting from him is some sporadic companionship. If that's worth it to be around someone that's displaying borderline felon-drug behavior, no seeming loyalty ethics, a fly-by-night demeanor, and someone that appears to have no long-term goals whatsoever....more power to you.
I'll go out on a limb here and say 100% of the forum population here would say "Get away from him as fast as possible." Go take care of yourself, you don't need him in your life.
Do you think someone will come on here and say, "Oh he sounds fantastic, you should definitely stick around and hope he becomes clean."?
Not to be too blunt, but the only thing it sounds like you're getting from him is some sporadic companionship. If that's worth it to be around someone that's displaying borderline felon-drug behavior, no seeming loyalty ethics, a fly-by-night demeanor, and someone that appears to have no long-term goals whatsoever....more power to you.
I'll go out on a limb here and say 100% of the forum population here would say "Get away from him as fast as possible." Go take care of yourself, you don't need him in your life.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
He won't change for anyone other than himself. No one is powerful enough to make an addict stop unless they want it for themselves.
You only invested 6 months to the relationship and you even say that neither of you truly committed to it, so I'm not sure why you posted this so many times on different forums. He has moved on and you need to do the same.
You only invested 6 months to the relationship and you even say that neither of you truly committed to it, so I'm not sure why you posted this so many times on different forums. He has moved on and you need to do the same.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
He won't change for anyone other than himself. No one is powerful enough to make an addict stop unless they want it for themselves.
You only invested 6 months to the relationship and you even say that neither of you truly committed to it, so I'm not sure why you posted this so many times on different forums. He has moved on and you need to do the same.
You only invested 6 months to the relationship and you even say that neither of you truly committed to it, so I'm not sure why you posted this so many times on different forums. He has moved on and you need to do the same.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
He won't change for anyone other than himself. No one is powerful enough to make an addict stop unless they want it for themselves.
You only invested 6 months to the relationship and you even say that neither of you truly committed to it, so I'm not sure why you posted this so many times on different forums. He has moved on and you need to do the same.
You only invested 6 months to the relationship and you even say that neither of you truly committed to it, so I'm not sure why you posted this so many times on different forums. He has moved on and you need to do the same.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
NO, NEVER, NADA, he is not going to change for her.
The bigger question here, is why, why, why would you ever get involved with him in the first place????
He clearly has ZERO to offer.
You said it yourself.
You dodged a huge bullet, give thanks!
The bigger question here, is why, why, why would you ever get involved with him in the first place????
He clearly has ZERO to offer.
You said it yourself.
You dodged a huge bullet, give thanks!
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