I think I married a 13th stepper
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1
I think I married a 13th stepper
Hi,
I am new here so please be patient with me.
My husband has been clean for 15 years. I met him while he mral years into recovery, so I never knew him when he was using.
About five years in he began having an affair with a newcomer to the rooms. This affair almost ended our marriage. He left me for her for a while and then begged me to take him back. I did, because we have children and because I still cared for him.
Fast forward five years later and I think that it's happening again. we have had a lot of stress in our marriage lately. I don't have solid proof but there are hours of calls to an unfamiliar number on our bill. He has mt entioned a younger woman in passing who I have reason to believe is the one. He has also made some remarks about how I would have been better off with someone else.
I don't know what to make of this. I'm less upset by the sexual aspect than the emotional entanglements that this creates. He spends huge amounts of time "at meetings" and people there look up to him. He spends as little time as possible with his family. His last affair partner attempted suicide.
I am torn about confronting him or otherwise letting him know that I'm not stupid - and just seeing how this plays out.
Thanks for any feedback.
I am new here so please be patient with me.
My husband has been clean for 15 years. I met him while he mral years into recovery, so I never knew him when he was using.
About five years in he began having an affair with a newcomer to the rooms. This affair almost ended our marriage. He left me for her for a while and then begged me to take him back. I did, because we have children and because I still cared for him.
Fast forward five years later and I think that it's happening again. we have had a lot of stress in our marriage lately. I don't have solid proof but there are hours of calls to an unfamiliar number on our bill. He has mt entioned a younger woman in passing who I have reason to believe is the one. He has also made some remarks about how I would have been better off with someone else.
I don't know what to make of this. I'm less upset by the sexual aspect than the emotional entanglements that this creates. He spends huge amounts of time "at meetings" and people there look up to him. He spends as little time as possible with his family. His last affair partner attempted suicide.
I am torn about confronting him or otherwise letting him know that I'm not stupid - and just seeing how this plays out.
Thanks for any feedback.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Welcome to SR......this forum is for you. We're here to provide support to each other and it sounds like you could use some support.
As you already know.....there's very little you can do to control your husband. He's going to do what he's going to do. My concern is for you. How you're doing. How you're taking care of yourself through all of this.
I don't have any sage words. You'll figure this out and we'll walk with you as you do.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
As you already know.....there's very little you can do to control your husband. He's going to do what he's going to do. My concern is for you. How you're doing. How you're taking care of yourself through all of this.
I don't have any sage words. You'll figure this out and we'll walk with you as you do.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by mrsmisery 
Hi,
I am new here so please be patient with me.
My husband has been clean for 15 years. I met him while he mral years into recovery, so I never knew him when he was using.
About five years in he began having an affair with a newcomer to the rooms. This affair almost ended our marriage. He left me for her for a while and then begged me to take him back. I did, because we have children and because I still cared for him.
Fast forward five years later and I think that it's happening again. we have had a lot of stress in our marriage lately. I don't have solid proof but there are hours of calls to an unfamiliar number on our bill. He has mt entioned a younger woman in passing who I have reason to believe is the one. He has also made some remarks about how I would have been better off with someone else.
I don't know what to make of this. I'm less upset by the sexual aspect than the emotional entanglements that this creates. He spends huge amounts of time "at meetings" and people there look up to him. He spends as little time as possible with his family. His last affair partner attempted suicide.
I am torn about confronting him or otherwise letting him know that I'm not stupid - and just seeing how this plays out.
Thanks for any feedback.
I am new here so please be patient with me.
My husband has been clean for 15 years. I met him while he mral years into recovery, so I never knew him when he was using.
About five years in he began having an affair with a newcomer to the rooms. This affair almost ended our marriage. He left me for her for a while and then begged me to take him back. I did, because we have children and because I still cared for him.
Fast forward five years later and I think that it's happening again. we have had a lot of stress in our marriage lately. I don't have solid proof but there are hours of calls to an unfamiliar number on our bill. He has mt entioned a younger woman in passing who I have reason to believe is the one. He has also made some remarks about how I would have been better off with someone else.
I don't know what to make of this. I'm less upset by the sexual aspect than the emotional entanglements that this creates. He spends huge amounts of time "at meetings" and people there look up to him. He spends as little time as possible with his family. His last affair partner attempted suicide.
I am torn about confronting him or otherwise letting him know that I'm not stupid - and just seeing how this plays out.
Thanks for any feedback.
We're not marriage counselors here (at least I'm not), so I really shouldn't tell you what I believe you should do regarding your marriage. What I will share with you are my insights into an addict's behavior, and your own thinking.
This doesn't sound like he's in recovery to me. Addicts, by their very nature, have very, very poor boundaries. And part of the recovery process is to stop giving yourself permission to do things that you really shouldn't do. When he stepped outside of your marriage five years ago, he did so without thinking or caring about the consequences to his family. If an addict can't tickle his pleasure center with his drug of choice, he'll find another way to tickle it. And sex is a good way to accomplish that. But, you took him back for whatever reasons you had.
If you have suspicions that he's doing it again, you really need to pay attention to your gut. And if those suspicions are proven right, then you have some hard questions you have to answer, none of them pleasant. At this point, this isn't about him. It's about you and your boundaries and the well-being of your children. When I learned my AXGF not only left me for another addict (who did some 13th stepping of his own) but confessed to cheating on me multiple times, I was done with her. Period. For me, there was no road back from that kind of betrayal. Yes, it was easy for me to do that because children were not in the mix. But you have to ask yourself where you draw the line? Where are your boundaries? What is your limit?
Actions, I believe, have consequences, both intended and unintended. The unintended consequences of you taking him back five years ago may be, at this time, paying you a visit. And if this is the case, it's gut check time.
Read as many of our sticky notes and posts as you can. Knowledge is power. Time to start thinking with your head, not your heart.
Hang in there.
ZoSo
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi mrsmisery, I suppose what you decide would depend on how disturbed you'd be if he was having an affair.
Many of these entanglements start with the emotional tie, and then go on to the physical. Also if you are going through a rough patch in your marriage the thought of a woman who 'understands' him might be very tempting.
If it hasn't progressed too far, letting him know that you know might slow him down and get him thinking. Men sometimes think they're great at hiding things when in fact they're pretty transparent. Does he understand what's at stake?
Many of these entanglements start with the emotional tie, and then go on to the physical. Also if you are going through a rough patch in your marriage the thought of a woman who 'understands' him might be very tempting.
If it hasn't progressed too far, letting him know that you know might slow him down and get him thinking. Men sometimes think they're great at hiding things when in fact they're pretty transparent. Does he understand what's at stake?
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