Aysmum

This is my first post here, so please bear with me.

I met my boyfriend about 2 years ago. He had only been sober for less than two months and was living in a home for recovering addicts. We began dating despite advise from the house not to see girls. A few months later he moved home (two hours away) and we stayed together. I got pregnant and despite the distance and our age (21 and 22) we stayed together and had a beautiful baby girl. Fast forward to a couple of months ago, Ayla was 8 months old and he was 2 years sober. I Found a percotet in his drawer and immediately confronted him about it. He said he hadnt taken any and promised that once I threw it away he would start going to meetings again. He said he was just "stressed". A month later I found cut up straws in his drawers. Once again, I flipped. Since she has been born he has only a handful of times given me money for the baby. She lives with me and I take care of her while working and going to college. He said he had only taken a couple and promised again he would stop. I told him if he didn't he would no longer be able to see our daughter. On valentines day I found out once again that he is using. In his phone there were texts about picking up Percocets and how he was jealous of a friend because all he had was suboxone. I flipped out and left. He is telling me now that he tapered off since valentines day using suboxone and is 4 days clean. I just can't trust that. He hasn't gone to any meetings and is leaving people to believe he is still 2 years sober. He doesn't write inventory or have a sponsor. Now he is getting angry at me for not going to visit him 2 hours away because it costs him more in gas! Keep in mind he doesn't buy Ayla anything, about 200 dollars a month on her at most. He tells me he was doing 2 Percocets a day which who knows if that's true. I'm just at wits end and don't know if I can stay with him anymore. I can't believe him when he says he's sober. He used to be on heroine before rehab. I am so lost and sad.

Aysmum

I guess I'm just wondering how I should talk to him. How do I trust him? Do I let him around our daughter? He does love her. How do I know for sure he is clean? And I feel he can't be clean or stay clean without actively seeking help. Is this wrong?

Carlotta

I would not let a deadbeat dad who is also an active addict around my child.
Let him pay adequate child support and get clean first.
Obviously, he does not have his priority straight. He has money to buy percs but cannot contribute to his child's support. not cool

Aysmum

I agree. But if he is sober like he says I would feel wrong leaving him. I just will never know for sure because he lied so many times

Carlotta

Well, first indicator of sobriety is being responsible. Is he working? Is he taking care of his financial responsibilities?

Needabreak

"I guess I'm just wondering how I should talk to him. How do I trust him?"

I don't trust people who have lied to me. And I don't look for ways to try to trust them, either. Why would I? A lie is a lie. When people lie to me I pull back and become very careful around them. Then I work on detaching so that they can't harm me anymore.

cynical one

Using looks like using.

• I Found a percotet in his drawer
• A month later I found cut up straws in his drawers
• He said he had only taken a couple
• On valentines day I found out once again that he is using. In his phone there were texts about picking up Percocets and how he was jealous of a friend because all he had was suboxone
• He tells me he was doing 2 Percocets a day

Aysmum

Carlotta, he is "working" but only side jobs and plowing. It actually seemed to all start when he was layed off in early fall. He had been working for a construction company making good money, but even then didn't really support us.

Carlotta

Well, you can try talking to him but it is really pointless. If he is an addict, unless he faces consequences for his actions or the pain of using gets to be bigger than the paini of not using, he will keep on doing what he is doing.
You can try talking to him, he'll probably yes you to death to get you off his back then will keep on his merry little way.

Aysmum

Thank you for your help. It's nice to have people to talk to

graceandbeauty0

the best thing he can do for you and your daughter is focus on himself. He's obviously gotten clean before so he knows what he has to do, it's the matter of fact if he wants to get clean again. Once an addict is clean for a while and uses again, it's so much harder for them to get clean. Just focus on you and let him focus on him. He was using before he met you and he will use again after you leave, if that's what he wants to do. Nothing you say or do is going to change that. You have to set your own boundaries of you can handle, and really you can take him to court for child support. He obviously is making enough to buy his pills so he can be legally obligated to supporting your job. Good luck and remember be kind to yourself and you're so young. you have the world ahead of you!

Txhelp

Judge him from his behaviors and not his words....and go with your gut.

It's up to him to prove his recovery and not for you to find out; investigate; uncover.

I agree with the others. You have done a find job protecting you and your daughter. Boundaries are so important in life, especially when you are in relationship with an addict.

He needs to assume full responsibility for himself and your daughter. Until then....tread carefully. Any visitation should be scheduled and supervised.

Aysmum

So is most peoples opinion (obviously based on experienced or research) that there is very little possibility of him being sober and if he is that it won't last unless he gets help and or treatment?

FeelingGreat

Hi Aysmum, no-one can really say what your BF will do, whether he'll get clean or if he does, relapse. But because it's hard to know, you can only look at his actions, not what he says. Cynical One's post sums it up for you. He may be 4 days clean, but unless he's working a program and making it his top priority it doesn't seem like he's fully committed.
Looking at his actions, he's gone cold turkey, but because he's lied to you before you have no way of knowing.
It would make sense for you to act on the worst case scenario; that would mean no unsupervised visits, and getting a court order for regular support (I know it's hard if he's doing casual work).
I suggest you don't withhold access as a 'punishment', but your first responsibility is the safely of your gorgeous girl.

atalose

That is correct.

4 days clean does not mean anything more then what it is, words from an active addict who's shown you over and over again NOT to believe him.

As far as being a father, he's shown you exactly what kind he is, no financial support except to his own habit. No emotional support to his child because he's distant.

And as for being a boyfriend, he's also shown you exactly what kind he is, he lies to you. He also allows you to shoulder all the responsibly of raising your child.

Read the sticky What Addicts do.

Aysmum

Update: I drove two hours to his house with our daughter today. We went on a walk and when we got back I told him if he wanted us to spend the night and keep seeing Ayla he had to take a drug test. He fought it over and over but finally took it and it was positive for "oxy". I'm heartbroken. He lied again. I don't think he was even taking
suboxone. Now he's saying I'm ****** up for saying I'm getting a lawyer involved for visitation and child support purposes. This is the first time he actually didn't even seem sad.
He didn't even seem upset that I was leaving. He used to love me more than anything and it showed to everyone. Me leaving was supposed to scare him but he practically walked me out the door. I am so, so sad. My heart aches. I don't know what to do I love him so
Much

Hope4Life

I'm so sorry that this has evolved into this pain your are dealing with. Please concentrate on yourself and what is best for your daughter. If he refuses to support her and can lie so easliy, what future do you have with this guy anyway?

He needs to get clean and work on eliminating the desire for these drugs or nothing will change. If he is already using again so soon after going through rehab, he obviously is addicted in a big way and needs more help than you can give him.

You didn't cause this.
You can't cure him.
You can't control him.

Good Luck to you.

FeelingGreat

Addiction is heartbreaking for the people the addict once loved. Because while he's an active addict, no-one or nothing comes ahead of his needs. When he walked you to the door? Almost certainly thinking of his next fix.
You don't have to be dragged down with him if you are strong enough. I know it's hard to break free, but you have to convince yourself that nothing is more important to him right now than his addiction.
He will be angry about you seeking legal advice because he's had it pretty easy up to now. Once you start applying some pressure, he could get nasty. Be prepared mentally for it.
I'm so sorry for your heartbreak.

graceandbeauty0

unfortunately he can't love you right now because it's actively using. It's not because he doesn't, it's because he has a disease that he needs to work on himself to get better. Take this time to focus on you. It's hard to understand, but they don't do this because they are heartless people they do it because their drugs are the most important to them, and they will not let anything or anyone get in the way of that, until they are ready to quit.

ShootingStar1

Aysmum, my heart goes out to you. And I think you are to be commended for what you are doing with your life - going to college, working, and focusing first on raising a healthy and happy daughter. That is a lot more than many people do at your age, and it suggests that you can have a very happy life ahead of you.

You are already thinking through what you need to do to keep going in a healthy direction - talking to an attorney and getting child support and a visitation plan where your daughter is protected from his erratic behavior due to his addiction.

That is the good news, and that is a lot. The bad news when we love an addict or alcoholic is how devastated and abandoned we feel emotionally. The loss we suffer when someone we care about and have given ourselves to is no longer available, no longer cares is huge.

That is the devastation of addiction, and the hardest part of all is realizing that no one can change that except the addict themselves. If they don't make that hard choice to stop using and to commit to and work a serious recovery program, then everything else they say is secondary to their finding their next drink, drug, fix. That becomes their mistress, and a commanding one she is. We who love them are left out in the cold.

It was hard for me to really take in and believe that the man I married and lived with for 20 years was never going to be the same person he used to be and never going to be the person I hoped he'd be, saw the potential for him to be. He didn't want to. He wanted to drink. There is great loss there, but, having left him now 20 months ago, I am finding a peaceful much happier life with myself at the center. I would imagine that you can too, and create a much happier long term childhood for your daughter.

ShootingStar1