Lovenjoy

So am fighting the urge to have contact with RAS by phone or text. A pattern of mine since he began recovery. It's not always about his recovery but for many months now I touch base, often many times a day, to….. what? I don't even know anymore.

Thought it was to encourage and support him, suspect it was to check up on him. He even threw at me 'don't I always answer when you call' as proof of innocence so I know my behavior is part of his equation now too. Have irrational fear this contact is important for him???

But I do believe I need to break this pattern (and many others) to heal from my problems.

Any specifics from others on breaking the codie habits???

DG0409

What helps me is to come up with some sort of action to do.

Maybe make a list of things you can do for you today. Clean the house, wash the car, go for a walk, read a book, take a bath, bake some cookies, whatever you like or need to get done. Then pick one of those things and do it. When you're done, pick another.

It's a lot harder for me to be partaking in codie behaviors and thoughts when I am actively focusing on doing something for me.

AnvilheadII

well, at some point when have to live and let live. he's an adult now, so it's time to treat him as such, quit hovering so much. I KNOW that is tough...but multiple texts/calls throughout the day aren't HELPING anybody. they aren't setting your fears to rest, in fact they seem t exacerbate them!

he's gonna do what he's gonna do, regardless of what you do. he'll stay clean....or he won't. I know easier said than done to just let that be.

maybe start with allowing yourself ONE call a day. and then sit with your own feelings, and when you get that urge, write about it, put it down on paper for YOU and see what's up.

FourTwentyOne

I just think about the response I am going to get. I want to text him or call him, because I think I am going to have a nice conversation, work out all our problems, and we will run off into the sunny meadow with the birds singing *giggle* Then I try to give my head a shake and know that when he answers I am going to get one of two things - a fight or a guilt trip.

Then I try to think about ANYTHING but him.

cynical one

I have a friend who is a helicopter mom. When her 16 year old got her first job, my friend would call to check up on her several times during her 3 hour shift until her daughter gave her some advice "Mom, get a life".

GardenMama

This is all great advice. Someone here on SR once referred to me as "jones-ing" for my AD like she does for drugs. So true. Think of it that way and you are likely to pause before you text again.

I learned to fight the urge to call by "sending" positive thoughts her way until I felt calm again and could focus on the tasks at hand, none of which involved her. The urges will slow down the more involved you become with your own life and your own recovery. So send loving and caring prayers/thoughts his way. It really does help.

LoveMeNow

I listen to fun music.
Call a friend.
Talk to God a lot.
I shut off the dialogue in my head.
Read and post here.
Making a gratitude list really helps.
Say the serenity prayer, over and over, until I am serene.

LoveMeNow

This one took a while but I finally got it.

Sit with the discomfort, it will pass. And it does, I promise.....but you have to sit with and not act out impulsively......like me.

bluebelle

I picture the addict walking with angels/God. It helps me realize that he is not alone, and I am not responsible for him.

needingabreak

I identify with both Anvilhead and fourtwentyone with my son. Even if he says he is fine, I never know for sure and secondly I usually feel worse after speaking to him. I started out, like you, obsessing over my son and his addiction 24/7. After coming here and reading so much material and going to some meetings, I started to see that i was just as sick as he was and started pulling away, focusing on my own recovery and that in turn helped me not focus on him. it also drove me insane worrying all the time while realizing there was nothing, and I mean NOTHING, I could do to change how he felt or what he decided to do. Once I accepted that, I was able to see it was more important for me to allow him to work his own recovery (if he wanted to ) and me to start living my life again. Don't you feel like you are living a life chained to his addiction? Slowly start pulling away and doing things for YOUR recovery. Every time you want to text or call, do something else, but make it about you. Read something on co-depedency, read a bible verse, come here and post, call a friend, do anything that benefits YOU. I feel your pain honeybunch! Praying for things to get easier for you.

Lovenjoy

So grateful for everyone's input! Started my day concerned about breaking patterns and went on my way with strength from your posts. Knowing I'm not crazy just have crazy habits is helpful and workable.

Spent the day being kind to myself. It was wonderful.