KeepinItReal

Relapse and binges are a still a very real and severe concern of mine. If he chose to stay at his parents and continue on a binge or not stop after that first taste... then I would be worried of death everyday. Living with me or not, I love him and he's part of me. We have been together for 12 years and have two kids.
Losing him to drugs, death or prison are very real possibilities if he can't get a rock solid handle on his addiction issues with heroin. I pray to God that he chooses to still go. As far as I know... he should be going sometimes in January after he gets back from working with his boss (that's who's getting him in). They have a job to do out of state.. and after that he will be entering!

KeepinItReal

Also, this good behavior stuff... it's part of the cycle I have already repeated three times. Good behavior goes both ways. I'm proud of myself for keeping it together and being able to let him go when I saw and knew he slipped up. I'm proud that i'm no longer letting myself live in a dilusion that it wasn't what I see... or that it will get better on it's own. I have made very clear cut decisions to protect myself.
The lease is in my name and he's not allowed to use my address (i said so)
He has no passwords to any of my financial accounts or is allowed access to any of them.
I take care of the kids and the bills without any financial help from him. Anything extra he contributes goes to extra things we don't normally have.
I pray that i'm not blind to any more manipulative tactics and that he gets his BUM to longterm treatment without giving me any excuses/reasons whatever. This is what we agreed on 3 years ago, and a few months ago, and yesterday.... he can't do it alone. Nothing else has worked. If he can't get better... for life... then it will be these few months that the kids remember of their dad before he dies, goes to jail or worse.
Pray for my family.

jjj111

Keepinitreal, I'm so sorry about the anniversary of your father's death. The anniversary of my Dad's death is in a few days, and this time of year can be hard. It's been twelve years now, though, and it does get easier.

I'm reading this thread and trying to understand your story--so he got out of prison and came to live with you, you found out he was still using, you sent him to his parents for a night and then let him come home,? But he is still lying and claiming he didn't use...and you think he learned a lesson from the night at his parents? Maybe the lesson he learned is that you probably won't kick him out for more than a night even if he does use, so long as he tells you what you want to hear? I'm sorry if I'm skeptical. I hope you and your kids will get some peace soon. It's very smart of you to keep your money separate. But are you really satisfied with a relationship with a heroin addict who lies to you and doesn't pay his way? Would you be happy if one of your children stuck with that kind of relationship? I'm hoping for a happy holiday season for you!

Lily1918

Waiting for a bed for D at the Salvation Army was hell on earth. He had to be clean to get in, but also had to wait for a bed. It took them almost 2 months to get him one. I will give him credit, he went down there at least once a week to keep his name on the list, and passed the drug test every time, but he was white knuckling and it was hard.

Is your AHs situation similar? I'm curious why he doesn't have a date yet...

KeepinItReal

The guy hes working for donates time and has gotten a few guys that have worked for him into the program. He will be driving him and getting him in within a few days of asking. This guy also happens to be a recovering addict with 12 plus years of sobriety.
I have got to be crazy to deal with this? The answer would be yes. I'm also a recovering addict. I have made many many mistakes.
I struggled with the decision of letting him come home. Yet the house has been peaceful and happy with him for the past month minus one day. I have stuck to my guns kicking him out before. 8 months and then sending him to live with his other family for another year halfway across the usa. If he was using he wouldn't be here. I'm also not trying to teach him anything. I'm a horrible teacher. I think me following through with the action of him leaving of first sight of using scared him.
His older sister and her bf live with his parents and they are iv users. His other brother lives with his parents and is a dealer and User. If he wanted to use he would rather be there.
I think so many would rather me give up hope and pretend hes dead to me already. Well... I have done that. Loving an addict... trying to recover or not is sad.
Is the meassage I'm naive and blinded ?
I guess it isn't possible me making him leave and him wanting to come back to a sober living home!?

KeepinItReal

Lily - he knows with his bosses word that he will get in and wants to waif until after the holidays. His cycle has been 6 months sober 6 months winding out. Binge. Help/jail. 6 months sober repeat.

jjj111

KIR, I wanted to understand your journey, so I looked at some of your past posts. I noticed that before your husband came home from jail you were thinking about asking him to go to a sober living house. But now you say that your home is your sober living house. I also read your first post here I found it very moving and inspiring, and thought you might be interested to reread some of it:

"The pain is so intense. I know to let go. I know to move on. 12 years and 2 kids and hundreds of broken promises. Dreams of us together last night torturing me. I know when he goes to jail within the next few weeks he will sober up. An apology or promise isn't going to work as much as I love him. I can't keep living in this cycle. My kids need me happy and stable. I cannot be selfish like his disease. I want to be the opposite if his disease. I'm in mourning and pain for a family that has lost. I'm 29 years old, I have 2 kids, 3 & 7. I am the bread winner and super mom. How can I have the strength to not let him back this time."

KeepinItReal

I battled internally letting him come home but going to long term treatment was my hope for him. He would have ended up at his moms having no where to go. That house is filled with drugs. The jail wasn't helping him find sober living and he would end up at at his moms door step and using.
I guess I'm just as sick as him. Why would I let him come back? Im hoping things get better .... but I understand if I have to let go. Its very real addiction can win. Thank you for caring ...
I think about his funeral? What funeral... with no money. I have mourned his death before him dying. I prayed to God to stop loving him.
I re read my old posts all the time.
I pray and ask for strength.
He has only been financially abusive. He does not cheat, go out with friends,smoke weed, drink, or make the house chaotic. When he starts using he acts super hyper, his eyes are pins, and he slurrs. His problem is heroin. I'm sick of it. I am tired of the cycle.please pray he turns this hard time into better years. If not for me... but for his 2 kids that love him.

KeepinItReal

This post you cited from were true raw emotions from the end of his binge before he went to jail. I called the police to watch him as a public service. I was glad he went to jail.

jjj111

KIR, I can't imagine what you've been through with all this! My experience dating a coke addict for a couple years can't compare--no kids, not as much time as you've put into this. Only you can say what is the right path for you. I only shared the old post because I think it can be interesting sometimes to take the long view. Wishing you peace!

allforcnm

I've been following your post for a while now, and I am always impressed by the way you handle things. It seems to me like you have put in a lot of hard work on yourself; making sure your family can survive independent of your husband #1 and that is huge. Learning about his disease of addiction, creating boundaries that work for your life in this moment in time, and also something I think is very telling; not being afraid to admit and show your love to your husband even though he has an addiction; doing it in ways that again fall within your boundaries, and don't enable his addiction.

It's great you have had a peaceful month together minus one day. I'm not dismissing his relapse, but I also have compassion as to why it happened; if I understood correctly - his mom had been in a car accident and badly bruised up. For an addict with poor coping skills that is a very strong trigger; the emotional escape. I think you handled it properly, consequences were handed out, but it was not a matter of wanting to punishing him for his illness. And also I have to say it seems he has the desire to be clean - he just needs help. He was surrounded by a house of addicts, dealers and he did not keep the run going.

I have been praying for your family; that he gets into the long term treatment he is waiting for, that you all enjoy the holidays, that you will be at peace while he is away, and finally that he comes home with renewed purpose and hope for a bright future with you and his kids.

KeepinItReal

Well he slipped up again tonight. Yet, I'm the crazy one. I know what high looks like. I am hurt and sad but not surprised. I should drive him to his dads but I'm tired and letting him stay. He thinks he will stay until Christmas and then move into his dads.
Drugs destroy good men. Drugs rip apart families. The lying and stealing and heartlessness it causes is unbelievable unless you live it.
I love him but not who he is when hes using. They are the same.
I hope one day I can be stable. With or without him. I cant be with someone who can flip into someone so horrid and terrible bc of heroin. The stealing and lying are not acceptable. He hasn't stole from me yet.... this time but hes still a liar.

KeepinItReal

If he doesn't go to this program I'm going to lose all respect for him. The very little I have left.

overit263

I'm sorry KIR. Hopefully he goes into the program, but you know the drill unfortunately. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Hugs to you!

Lily1918

I admire that in this post you do not split your husband into Dr. Jeckle and Mr Hyde. He is always your H. He bites the hand that feeds.

I also want to compliment you for not making excuses for his behavior. It breaks my heart when I hear wives say "oh but he was high when he cheated/lied/stole" whatever. So if they weren't on drugs and did it they wouldn't be able to forgive them, but being a drug addict somehow gets them off scott free!?!? I think the disease model can be dangerous when it promotes that type of thinking, I'm glad that you have more wisdom than that.

I like that you have "taken the addiction out of it" if that makes sense. I do that with my spouse as well ( hmm... I should say I try to) Let's pretend our husbands are not addicted to heroin, even though they are. Is it ok to steal/lie/cheat? I agree with you when you say "no. Its not."

Getting high and using drugs is no excuse to act like a jerk.

Keep it up girl! You are so strong
Hugs,
Lily