baileytherobot

Let me preface this by saying hello, I'm Bailey and I'm new to the site. My boyfriend is a recovering heroin addict. He was an addict for about two years with previous problems with meth. He was smoking about an ounce of weed a day, shooting up several times, and overall miserable. I wasn't with him when this was going on. We reconnected after a few lost years. (We were friends in high school, off and on romantically while he was in the military, then found each other again when he was in rehab.) We started dating seriously while he was in rehab, and he ended up leaving rehab about 60 days into his 90 day agreement. He got sober by his own choice. He now lives in a sober living home and hasn't slipped, and it's been about four months.

He's struggling right now because of his PTSD, anxiety and depression. The doctor won't give him any medication for his anxiety because it's habit forming and they're afraid he'll abuse it. So he takes his regular medication as best as he can but he's really been flipping out at night. By morning, he's fine. But it's at night when he gets so low, I feel like he'd go use. Something stops him and I know it's mostly his desire to stay sober to have a better life -- the whole reason he got clean to begin with. But with his newly healthier veins (trigger) and some other stressful things, he's stopped going to meetings and group and hasnt been going to the VA as much to see the doctor. I'm worried about him.

I guess my question is how do I go about encouraging without forcing him to go to his meetings? His depression is bad and I know it's partially holding him back. I'm trying to avoid being codependent and feeling like I should drive him to the doctor/therapy/whatever. I don't want to waste time guilting him or giving him the old "you better go or else" thing.

What can I do? He's still sober on his own accord, and I'm so proud of him. I just...want to go about this in the most effective and positive way. Sorry for rambling, I'm just not sure if I'm saying everything correctly.

EnglishGarden

Do your recovery. Go to your own meeting two or three times a week. Go to a therapist once a week. Involve yourself in exercise at a gym or in the park several days a week. Without saying a word, preaching, lecturing, or badgering, you will not only demonstrate what it is you value in life, you will also actually grow.

No man needs mothering from a woman. He does not need you to be proud of him. Or to hover. Or to think that you know what might be best for him. It is important to treat him as an equal every day, and to assume that he will deal with his problems in his own way and time. Or perhaps he will not. He may simply decide to find any means of escape. Drugs are not the only means. There are behavioral addictions, too. Whatever his course of action, it is vital you respect that he is an adult and his choices are his business. If his choices make you miserable, then you have a choice to change your own course of action concerning the relationship.

He sounds to me completely unprepared for and incapable of intimate relationship right now, for the mutual give and take necessary for adult mature relationship.

It is likely you will hang on and wait, hoping for improvement, as most significant others do. But I think it likely that it is going to be a painful road, a very stressful relationship. Relationships with drugs addicts are very very hard.

Your focus needs to be on you, and whether you will survive it. His focus will be his own choice.

hopeful4

Hello Bailey and welcome. You have chosen a slippery slope for yourself, dating someone who is in a sober living facility and in such an early stage of recovery. One thing to remember, he likely would get kicked out of his living if he relapsed, so he does have motivation to stay clean while he is living there. So it will be an entirely different situation when he is out living on his own. It is a concern that he no longer seems to be working a program.

The thing about addiction is this. YOU cannot make him do this. You cannot will it or anything else. He is going to do what he is going to do. Work on YOU and getting the support you need if you are going to choose to be in a relationship with an addict. Please please take it very slowly and do not have children with him at this point.

I wish you the very best of luck. Keep posting, read the stickies at the top of the topics, they have tons of info and good wisdom there. You are not alone!

I hope you have a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......you may not like the things you are going to hear regarding this issue so I'll begin with a wonderful quote by Gloria Steinem.

"The truth will set you free......but first it's going to **** you off."

Support is "being" something not "doing" something. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help him stay clean and sober. If love was enough to get people clean and sober, none of us would be here. We all love the addict in our lives......and some (like myself) have watched the addict (my son) struggle for many years.

It is suggested that an addict in early recovery work on himself and on repairing the existing relationships that he/she has damaged throughout their addiction. And usually, there is some pretty extensive wreckage. This is going to sound bad but......most addicts with long term recovery would tell you that they would have had trouble keeping a plant alive during that first year of sobriety......much less a new relationship. It's a struggle.

Yes they need support but that support is how we conduct ourselves in general......not what we do with them....or for them....or because of them. What might that be? We live our lives as best we can. We don't rearrange our schedule to accommodate them. We don't adjust our lives around them. We don't hassle them about what "they should do". We don't hassle them about what they "shouldn't do". We let them figure it out. We treat them like the adults that they are. We have our own boundaries. We say what we mean, mean what we say, and don't say it mean. We accept them for who/what they are.....and if we can't, we let them go.

My son was about 8-9 months sober. He met a girl. Bam. He's using again. The sad thing is....I like her.....but she's not good for him and he's not good for her. But I can't tell them that......I have to just let it be. He knows I love him. He knows I am supportive of his sobriety. And he's struggling with it. He's trying. But it's really hard and there's nothing I can do to help him. Nothing......other than take care of myself. So that's what I do.

gentle hugs
ke

Maui78

Hi there and welcome. I second what the other posters have said. I am in a relationship with a recovering heroin addict as well. She started with drinking and meth when she was 16, found heroin when 22 and proceeded to and lived in the addiction until 3 years ago. We met when she was in an oxford house (sober living) about 6 months into recovery she stayed clean for about a year and a half, relapsed bad, and stayed relapsed for the following year . She has been working a program, going to therapy and taking suboxone regularly for about four months. I have been through hell and back with her. I was ready to leave at least 4 times. Not until I found this forum, al-anon and my therapist was I able to detach. I live my life, I focus on me. It's hard. The lies, hurt and fear I lived with for over a year will take a long time to heal. But as she works diligently in her own life and on herself, and me on mine, our relationship improves. I may be more tolerant because I had my own issues with addiction years ago. (Early 20s) However, I know that her addiction ran deeper and for much longer, and there is a long road ahead. She will have to be attentive to recovery for the rest of her life. There will always be possible relapse. Can I live with that? Yes, today I can. Bit I know I may come to a point again when its too much, and I refuse to go down the road to hell with her again like I did last year. Everyone has there tolerance threshold, for different things. I have put up with many thimgs I never thought i would. But I won't do it again. She starts down that road again, I will lovingly walk away. So far so good. But please keep in mind this is a life long thing. Only you know if you can do it. Take care of you. I can say one good thing ..my relationship with her made me look at myself, my codependency, and patterns I have repeated in my own life. I have grown tremendously. Only if she continues to grow in her own life can we continue to build one together. I love her. And that has never been and will never be enough for her to stay clean. I learned that the hard way.if you haven't been in your relationship for very long I would suggest taking some time to really ask yourself, is this what I want? Sorry I wrote a book. Feel free to pm me. Heroin and opiates are a beast. I had no idea Hugs. Glad you are here.

allforcnm

I think your boyfriend is fortunate to have someone so caring in his life. He has a lot of things going on underneath his addiction but I have found that to be very common. The desire to stop using drugs and overall change his life is the most important piece of the puzzle. That desire is something that comes from within but like you said often it is based on hope for a better life, fulfilling dreams, and that often includes goals of family, career, etc. So its really encouraging to hear you speak of his inner strength.

My husband has been in recovery now for 1.5 years (pain meds, Xanax, coke). He went to rehab and then came directly home so I know a little bit about what it is like in those early days. There can be a lot of emotional ups and downs. After he came home his only source of continued recovery work was use of a private therapist. There were times when he cancelled appointments, cut back, added additional sessions. I didn’t get too involved in how he managed it, and it helped when I tried to look at the big picture because I could see his progression moving steadily forward.

It is never wrong in my opinion to encourage treatment: seeing his doctor for the depression and PTSD for example. (You didn’t say but I hope he is in some type of therapy through the VA). The thing is there is a fine line in balancing a relationship, being encouraging, supportive, and for lack of a better word becoming a nag, or a source of frustration for the one recovering. Take addiction out of it for a minute and use a simple example – if you were struggling to lose weight and maintain your diet & exercise program – you would probably get frustrated if your boyfriend was always pushing you to go to Jenny Craig, or asking all through the day what you ate, or worse tried to portion your food for you ! But what might be helpful? Engaging in healthy activities together, recognizing your struggle, being there to listen, sharing honest insight, if you did go to Jenny Craig – being supportive, scheduling time together to not interfere with those sessions, providing positive reinforcement when a goal is reached, acknowledging small changes that are visible, etc. That is the way I like to look at it at least, and basically how I managed things with my husband. My therapist encouraged communication between us, and also the use of positive feedback/reinforcement in his early recovery days. (There is a book she recommended and was helpful to me also: Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, Threatening by Robert Meyers PhD. – It talks about these exact things, plus teaches you how to define healthy boundaries for your self care - you can look on amazon for reviews).

Also important is exactly what you said; you don’t want to become codependent and obsessed with his recovery, worrying about him to a degree you lose function in your own life. Your important ! So make sure you continue to focus on yourself and the other components of your life also; work, school, family, friends, hobbies, pets, exercise, church…. whatever LIFE is to you.

AnvilheadII

We started dating seriously while he was in rehab, and he ended up leaving rehab about 60 days into his 90 day agreement.

BIG.RED.FLAGS. dating seriously while IN rehab (how does one even do that???) and then the kicker leaving rehab early. i wish there was another way to ask the "what were you thinking?" question, because i'm curious how someone IN rehab for HEROIN addiction seems like a good dating prospect???

dating while in treatment is a HUGE distraction, leaving rehab early demonstrates lack of commitment, now at nearly four teeny tiny months
clean he's STOPPED going to meetings, so he now has no type of recovery program in place.

he really is in no shape to try to have a relationship right now. his efforts could be better directed at staying clean. it's good he is in a sober living environment at least. careful tho....should he mess that up, he'll be knocking on your door looking for a place to crash.
the threat of relapse really puts a pall over everything. instead of wondering which movie you'll take in this weekend, there's the constant worry about him screwing up and YOU wondering what YOU can do to prevent that. that's damage control, not a healthy relationship.

Carlotta

Just my thoughts when I read the post.

baileytherobot

Thank you very much for this thoughtful response. You have honestly made a huge impression on my thinking. I love the analogy of the weight loss and nagging and such. Brilliant and it actually made me feel very good to know that you really read and understood what I was asking.

This may come off defensive but I felt like a lot of the other replies were from people who didn't really understand or even finish reading my post. They heard "new to recovery" and immediately shut it down.

I am not new to this relationship, we've been very close friends for about 10 years and we did become exclusive while he was in rehab, but it was mostly just a friendship with undeniable romantic feelings. I don't urge him to treat me in any certain way (he's always naturally treated me with respect and love) and I understand that with his medication, the sober living house, and everything he's dealing with, that I don't need to be what he's dealing with first. I've always maintained that he has been one of my best friends for years and that's what matters to me most because when he's sober, he is the real J. And when he's not, he's not my friend, he is his addiction. I've seen him go through marijuana, meth, this, that, and everything over the years, and I understand the manipulative nature of an addict. I keep up on my life, I work out, I go to school, take care of my family, work full time, am getting certified as a Drug and Alcohol Counselor on my path to becoming a therapist one day...a registered member of CADAAC...I am attending my first Nar-Anon meeting on Friday, go to therapy, and keep up on personal studies about codependency and dating addicts or being involved in any way with them.

If this relationship ends, it will be sad because all ends in a relationship are sad but usually necessary. If he decides sobriety is not for him, our relationship will not be for me. And I will love him dearly and hope he finds sobreity for good one day, but I am prepared to protect myself and my family. I've learned a lot over the last few years on this subject unrelated to him personally, and I feel confident in my strength.

I feel I may have been perceived differently than I am and I do understand because I'm new to the site and my question was worded poorly. But a lot of these responses were not very friendly and it wasn't a great first impression. I'm not always going to do everything right but I have the right to try. So thank you to those that were hesitant about my situation, but took the time to write back to it thoughtfully instead of saying things like "what were you thinking?!"

I want to get to know you all so much better and have people to talk to and help because I can be very helpful to you, too.

hopeful4

I am sorry you feel that way. I did read all of your post. I think for me i was concerned that you seem quite a bit more involved w his recovery than he is. You sound educated enough to know they have to want it....for them.

Your post struck a chord w me and most likely othes also because we have all read and went through the stories of loved ones relapsing when not truly working a program. So many have immeshed their luves with the addicts to the point that even though they want out because they can now see the love may be real but the addiction will drive you BOTH to where you feel crazy. Many of these people are stuck because they now are financially dependent or have children w the addict or are so scared what will happen to the addict that it overrides our own needs from the relationship. No one wants that for you.
So what may have come off as unfriendly (i am sorry if i did, read my posts i am a nice person...promise...lol) is really just trying to caution you.

I hope it all works out for you both, blessings.

Chino

I'm always thankful for any response. At least someone cared enough to make the effort.

"Take what you need and leave the rest."

allforcnm

This is great news Bailey, wanted to share that therapy was the cornerstone of my husbands recovery. He entered a non-12 step rehab that was based on private therapy and spent 3 months there. He came home after that and continues to use therapy as his sole means of support. Its working well for him. When he was in rehab, they assigned me a therapist and she was a true blessing to me. She helped me learn about addiction, deal with how it had affected my life, understand the choices I had made while under stress, and helped me on the path to healing, and restoring my family. When you find a therapist that you connect with it can make a huge difference in your life especially when your in the midst of trying times. So just wanted to wish you good luck with your studies in that field. I do hope you stick around these boards and share your journey with us.

EnglishGarden

When longtime forum members post here, they understand that while they are offering seasoned experience and insight to the particular poster, there may be hundreds of readers also reading the response.

Addiction is a ravaging condition and it can destroy not only the individual addict but it can also destroy the spouse and the children who are repeatedly assaulted emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually by the addict. People in the intimate world of the addict do suffer. Do die. Do have their mental health destroyed.

It is extremely unlikely anyone here with genuine long experience would post encouragement to a young woman who is interested in becoming closely involved with a non-recovering methamphetamine/heroin drug addict. Maybe 1%.

This is because of conscience, for me at least. Conscience.

You will find your own way, bailey, and learn your own lessons. The ones to the gut, not the ones from a book or a forum, will be the ones which determine your life.

There are some hard lessons coming. It is inevitable. If you follow your own program of recovery, you will not be one of the ones whose life was lost or whose children were devastated and damaged because of illusions and rationalizations about an addict. I hope you will continue to vigorously pursue your own recovery and therapy, in the context of this relationship. Good luck.

Lily1918

I have to second this post because honestly, I am in recovery from heroin myself and I believe that every single word of this rings with truth. It's a harsh truth.

I also want to add something about PTSD.

I love my brother and I respect him for fighting in the Iraq war, but PTSD is no joke. He would black out and become violent. It is a very real and very frightening mental disability. It never, ever goes away, and flashbacks can be sudden, and dangerous.

In recovery we say that anything we put before recovery we lose. I have learned this to be true in my own life. I came to this thread because my husband is also an addict. we were both in recovery when we met and I kept my addiction a secret, even from my friends here. He relapsed, went to treatment, relapsed, went to treatment. I know that we all must write our own stories, but darling... I would recommend that you take a little bit of space from this man that you love.

My AH (addict husband) was removed from my life this summer. He was arrested and will be spending two years in a prison rehab program, followed by a minimum of six months inpatient treatment. four months is not enough treatment at all. especially for someone who uses needles. I am not trying to minimize my use, but smoking heroin is hard enough to overcome. When an addict uses needles, the high hits harder, lasts longer, and is way more addicting. It becomes about the ritual just as much as the drug itself. I will be in outpatient treatment the rest of my life, and I have never touched a needle ( I'm not any stronger or better, just terrified of all injections) I am concerned that he left treatment early. It is never, ever ok to leave treatment early for any reason whatsoever.

Recovery is a lifetime thing.

Guess what, as soon as we both started to live without all of the stresses of romance, we both started to get better. We love each other. We write and talk on the phone once a week, but being in a relationship is so triggering for a heroin addict. Even a small dispute about washing the dishes, or where to go on a date can be very triggering. Recovery is a very selfish time. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to work a good program and have a healthy relationship with another person.

Sorry this is so long. I hope that my words are not hurtful, just trying to share my ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope)

You deserve a good life. If you are in a place where you are ready for love, then you deserve a man who can love you without making you worry, feel fear, or doubt. Someone in early recovery simply cant do that even if they want to.

sending you hugs. I hope you keep posting! =] we are all here for you

Maui78

I just want to follow up by saying that when i first came to this forum I received many responses I felt were negative, not encouraging, or judgemental. Even after I read the sticky " why we respond the way we do". However, it was really because I heard what I didn't want to hear, because I thought my addict was different. And thought everyone should know that. I found out the hard way, by ignoring advice and having to experience gut punches first hand, that the caring and wise members of this forum HAVE BEEN THERE. Some for years. You ever heard the expression "only when we have walked a mile in another's shoes can we truly understand" ( or something like that). Everyone here has already done so. Some have walked thousands if miles, and are hoping to spare newcomers from having to experience what they did. Every story is different, every outcome is as well. But the xommon ground, the ugly truth, is addiction is for life, relapse in early recovery is inevitable, and addicts will lie and hurt those around them when in active addiction. My girlfriend was no different. We care, we know firathand,and we say thses things because they are our truths. Take what you want and leave the rest....Hugs.

Freedom1990

Actually, I still have trouble keeping plants alive...lol!

Bailey, welcome to SR.

I am a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (23 years). I could launch into a whole diatribe on my mistakes throughout recovery, but suffice it to say that by engaging in relationships way too soon after rehab, I did eventually relapse after 4 years. How I managed to stay clean/sober that long is still a mystery to me. I will say that the toxic relationship that I was in played a huge role in my using again. I still hadn't learned how to not self-destruct in my recovery.

My first year or two after rehab, I'd get up in the morning and my brain was already 10 miles down the road before my feet hit the floor. It was a huge struggle just to maintain some semblance of sanity. My life was meetings, meetings, and meetings. It was having a sponsor, working the 12 steps like my life depended on it because it did. I'd go to meetings when I did want to go, and when I didn't want to go.

I used relationships for many years into recovery to distract myself from the things that I really needed to work on.

I am also the mother of a 35-year-old addict, still practicing, and it has been a learning experience for me. She's been at it since she was 15, and it wasn't until I stood at the precipice once again of throwing my precious recovery away that I realized there was nothing I could do for her, but there was much I could do for me.

I've often thought about more college to become certified as a drug/alcohol counselor, but I know that isn't a job I could leave at work when I go home. I admire you for going into that field as there is always a need.

Please know the replies that seem harsh are coming from people who have been there and done that. I can't tell you how many times I told my sponsor to 'f' off and hung up because I didn't like what I was hearing.

All I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope like so many have done and continue to do with me.

I hope you continue to post, and I'm sending warm hugs to you from Kansas.

findthelight

Hi Bailey. I wanted to respond to your post and let you know that I feel for you and can relate to a lot of what you are going through. I met a very special guy back in January and felt I had found "the one." After being in quite a serious relationship that happened quickly but naturally, one day he changed. He ended up breaking my heart and breaking up with me over a text. I was close to his family who kept in contact with me. His mom and dad would reach out and tell me he was a few states away trying to get his life together and that they felt he had been overwhelmed with emotion with our relationship and they had never seen him so happy, but that they didn't think he had been completely honest with me about everything in his life. I had NO idea what was going on. He was divorced after a 6 year marriage and that was the ONLY thing I could think in my mind as to what went wrong...something dealing with that. Well, time passed...we texted some, talked a couple times and in one conversation he let the cat out the bad and told me he was a recovering addict. He had been addicted to pain pills for a decade (got married at height of addiction), went to a methadone clinic for 3 years and that ended 6 months prior to us meeting. Of course I was shocked, probably in disbelief, as I had been blindsided by all of this, but he had become my best friend though all of this and I had gotten to know the kind of person that I had always wanted to make a life with. I began, and still do, struggling with questions like...Is he the same person as the person I knew before everything went haywire? Was what we had real?How did this happen? What do I do in this? How do I handle myself and my feelings? Etc. etc. etc. He told me that he had to learn how to take care of himself before taking care of someone else and it was a life or death situation (which from what I can figure "it" meant his recovery). Thinking of those 2 statements made me really step back, detach myself, and focus on working on my own "crap" while he works on his. Because everyone has crap, ya know? From reading A LOT to coming on here, you realize that this issue is bigger than anyone and you can't do anything about it. I'm a teacher so I am used to wanting to make things better and easier for others-and that's been a struggle for me. I feel hopeless some days and accepting that powerlessness has been a battle for me. Another difficult thing is he cut me out---and I never saw or experienced a man that had the qualities of an addict. If it was mask, it was a good one and I was fooled. It is really hard for me to think that it was though-especially after conversations with his parents whom he is quite close to. But again, there are so many unknowns with these situations. I love him and pray each and every day for him and his family. I still go through all the emotions and motions and thoughts of should I reach out to him? What do I say? Can we be friends? Should we be friends? Lots of questions run through my mind and we aren't in a relationship, so I understand how and why you wonder what to say or do. I also understand the not wanting negativity or criticism. While you face such an obstacle, a positive word from someone can do wonders and feeling criticism from others is almost like feeling like someone is standing there watching you drown. I do think SR is a wonderful place though to get educated and understood...and for myself, helped me face some harsh realities-which I still have a hard time accepting. All I can say to you is try and find/maintain your happy place outside of him, keep peace inside yourself and follow your heart, but remember to let your conscious be your guide, too.

allforcnm

Hi Bailey, I have not been on here much during the holidays. In case you are still reading I wanted to say that Im glad what I wrote was helpful to you. Since others have clarified why they responded to you as they did, I thought I would share why I responded the way I did: When I read a post I look to see if there are specific questions being asked. If there are, then I try to answer those questions based on my experiences. I think it is a codependent condition to read a question, take it in, and then consciously or not think to myself: "they may be asking about this..... But I feel they should not be asking that, and really need to know "this" instead, so "this" what I'm going to tell them". I don't often feel the need to rescue a poster from their own choices because I assume people are capable of selecting their own path in life; for some reason I don't assume people will necessarily get stuck & be unable to break free. Probably I feel that way because I separated from my husband pretty quickly once he was in active addiction. But after he went into recovery then I decided to stand by his side and try to restore our marriage. All of my experiences flavor my replies.... Often if people stick around more is revealed - so hope to hear from you again.