dane5679

Here we are again.. that time of night when my AH leaves for his NA meeting. Last Friday I caught him skipping his meeting after using on Thursday. I had called off work like a total psycho and "pretended" to go.. got dressed, had a sitter and everything. Went to the mall to "burn some time" and then headed to an area where I would see his truck pass without him seeing me. He told me (without knowing that I was "spying") that he skipped it. ARGH. He has seemed pretty well since the incident on Thursday. Drug testing him tonight- his pop quiz for my sanity I guess. I noticed tonight though how anxious I get when he leaves the house. Almost an anxiety attack. God, I've gotta let this go. How does everyone deal with this kind of anxiety?

overit263

I'm sorry that this is consuming you. I know how you feel but you have to let go or be dragged. Look at the three c's because you are patrolling and trying to control. What are your boundaries? How much are you going to put up with? What are you afraid of if you detach with love?

Raider

I don't know. But your going to drive yourself crazy. I'm sorry you are going through this. I guess the only thing I could say is he has to want to stop whether you catch him or not. You can't do it for him.

Twofish

Hi Dane, I'm sorry you are having anxiety and trust issues. I'm new at this myself and find that I question certain activities that I believe my RADs are doing. With me it took time, a lot of time to regain the trust I had lost during their drugging it up days. In fact I still have trust anxiety with the older ADs use of pain medication for her broken jaw, so I just keep the pain meds with me at all times. Give this time... TF

dane5679

How do you detach with love while living with the RA? I find myself searching for the truth.. kinda a guilty until proven innocent idea. Get this sick feeling in my gut and then I search... I feel like I have to know to try to protect me and the kids from another fallout. Since he is trying to work a program and as long as he is working it- I don't want to uproot my family. However, I don't want to have my head in the sand either. Very hard to trust someone who doesn't deserve trust.

suki44883

Find some nar-anon or al-anon meetings. You will find people dealing with the same things you are and they can help you learn how to detach and focus on your own well-being, regardless of what he chooses to do. Like Raider said, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to keep up with him.

Twofish

Hi Dane, Yes I agree with you...how do you trust a loved one who has continually lied to me, stole from me and manipulated the whole family for months or longer? I was looking for a relapse and luckily never found one. We did have every other day urine drug screens, part of IOP, all negative, proof helped me tremendously. Please don't go crazy over this, I know the suspicious signs made me paranoid, just don't make yourself go crazy, ya, easier said than done. Take it easy, talk to you soon, TF

LoveMeNow

Whenever I felt the need to check up on my husband, it was because my instincts told me he was using. And guess what, he was. Unfortunately, over time I stopped trusting my own instincts so I felt the need to validate them.

Today, no way!! Using looks like using and there is not a doubt what recovery looks and feels like either. Trust your instincts!!

Ruby2

I used to have the feelings of total anxiety when my husband said he was going to a meeting. And have my suspicions confirmed that he did not, in fact, attend a meeting. It used to kill me. Paranoia, fear, sadness that I was lied to again. And again, and again. I don't know how I did it but I stepped away from that. What I can do is take care of myself. Not lose sleep over the craziness. Not pace the floor waiting for him to come home. I almost stopped caring whether he went to a meeting or not. Ultimately he will do what he wants to do regardless of how much I worry, get angry, etc. I have no control over what he does, only my own reactions to what he does. I need to take care of me and not go nuts or have a heart attack from the stress. I think what helped was to automatically assume that he was never going to tell me the truth no matter what and then I could be pleasantly surprised if he did, in fact, tell the truth.

So, as I detach from him, I can sleep. It still stinks. I wish he were actually going to meetings. I wish I didn't still have to hide everything in the house to keep him from stealing it. But, it is what it is at the moment.

Hang in there. It is easier to say "let go" than to actually let go.

zoso77

I'm not sure if this will answer your question, but I'd like to tell you a story.

Two weeks before my AXGF and I broke up, she called me ranting and raving about a study about the children of divorce (she and her ex were having a nasty custody dispute at the time). And she was going on and on about this study that claimed that only a small number of children of divorce went on to have "normal lives" -- whatever normal means.

So I let her finish. And when she was done, I said the following (paraphrasing):

Well, if you say your kids are gonna be f**ked, then they'll be f**ked. But that's a choice your making. It doesn't have to be that way if you and (insert ex's name here) decide to do whatever you can to protect your children and give them all the love and nurturing you can. So get to work.

There was silence on the other end of the phone.

And the reason why there was silence on the other end of the phone is because I didn't take the bait. What she wanted was the "old" me, the one that bought into and reacted to whatever bunch of crap she was dishing out by babying her, telling her she was going to be OK, etc. She wanted an enabler, not a responsible, mature partner. And she left two weeks later. You can search my post history for how she did that.

My message to you is simple: your AH is going to do whatever he's going to do. You can't control anything of what he does. If he doesn't go to meetings, then he doesn't go. If he wants to pick up or drink, then he picks up or drinks. If he wants to do cartwheels in the nude in the middle of your local interstate highway, then he's going to do that. These are his choices, not yours. Accept this. Detach. Don't allow a sick person to upset you to the point where you currently are.

And how much do you want to bet that as soon as you detach, your AH is going to get angry at you. Trust me on this.

ZoSo

overit263

Just had a visual of naked maniacs doing cartwheels in the highway...made me laugh.

I used to go to meetings with my AXH the first few years, learned a lot from hearing other recovering addicts speak. Too bad the information I learned stuck in my brain, not in his. He relapsed, I stopped going completely. I told him I learned enough and it was his deal completely. You know what happened? he relapsed again even while going to meetings. And here we are getting a divorce. You really can't control it. I can say that I got so sick of the worrying that I let go, and he relapsed, and you know what? I didn't fall apart because I was the one sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sick of worrying about when the money would vanish, or my belongings vanishing...so on and so forth. Please don't make yourself crazy. It isn't worth having both people being sick.

dane5679

Funny you said that.. Right after I found out he was using again I made plans to go out. I got my mother to agree to watch the kids (even though I knew my AH was going to be around). Where I work, my reps gave myself and my director VIP front row tickets, backstage passes, dinner, etc. to an awesome concert. My AH threw a fit when I told him about it.. basically threw a tantrum. Forbidding me to go. I was so angry and him trying to dictate ANYTHING to me.. that I told him to **** off.. and we went about a week without talking. LOL. He was basically stomping his feet etc.. SUCH A CHILD. I thought.. despite what was happening WHY would you ever want anyone you "Love" to miss out on fun things like that? Crazy thing was he was still mad when I was getting ready to leave.. then before I left he changed.. Super nice and kissing my rear end type nice. LIke he knew that I had enough and wasn't taking his crap anymore... I was metaphorically OUT THE DOOR. He went to rehab not long after. Thanks for the post.. reminded me about the power of NO.