Txhelp

I have a few threads but thought I would combine .......

My husband is still in rehabilitate doing well. He will be released on Thanksgiving. He has been open and humbled and more open in his communication.

My daughter (19) was kicked out of my home. She uses synthetic marijuana as shes on probation. I caught her using and booted her out. My home has become a revolving door for her. She does ok and then I catch her. She has a job and no car and plenty of probation activities to do.

My son (25) is currently in the hospital for suicidal plans....he has been using synthetic marijuana and meth. I also.kicked him out this week prior to him going nuts. He got out of rehabilitate and did no recovery work.

I don't want either of them to live with me any more. It hasn't worked out and distrbs my peace. I guess I am looking for support from my SR friends. What boindaries have u set and did u follow through? What about after rehab?

Twofish

Dear Txhelp, Oh boy, I thought I had it rough. You have done the best job any momma could do. You can't be the "hotel California" revolving door, letting your adult children in every time they ask or say they're "sorry and won't use again". We all know this is a struggle, a life time struggle. I haven't yet got to your stage of the addiction nightmare. It scares me to see how many people have addiction and especially how many people are unable to control the disease. I wish I had an answer, I'm sorry I can't give you one. Some one will be coming along with more experience. My support is strong for you. Take care of yourself, YOU, are the most important person in your family right now. You are the glue, your love for each member of your family is amazing. Take care. TF

lizwig

Hi Tx....the boundary I have set with my son is I will no longer do for him what he is capable of doing for himself. He's nearly 23 and able bodied. No cell phones...no gas money.... Why should my hard work go to fund his activities when he has no regard for my thoughts or feelings? I have also told him I don't want to hear about any of the chaos caused by his addiction. No middle of the night phone calls or bombshell texts. With that being said...I have made it very clear he is loved, we believe in him and are willing to arrange rehab when we see him wanting to make positive change. Our young adults are very resourceful...what we think would be unbearable living conditions they seem to be okay with.

I'm really sorry for all you are dealing with. My heart truly goes out to you.

Txhelp

Ludwig I get what u mean about hearing about the chaos and text bombs! We are not alone! At some point I will mention sober living or tern challenge recovery program for my son...when he calls. When he is discharged from the hospital...he needs to find a place to live outside of my house.

Its so difficult but the bridge is closed. He can choose what he wants but not w me. I need my marriage to get on track when my husband gets home.

I hate planning my kids life....in my head when they could care the less.

Good news....my daughter went to.church w me and lunch. Had good conversation......

Txhelp

My son contacted me from the hospital....One of the first things he asked was where the his (new) dog was....He adopted a dog while homeless! Great idea! Then when he was hospitalized he told me that I could give it away as I told him I didn't want to caretake his dog. This has happened before....

Then when I told him that I gave it to one of his friends he was upset. We started off THAT conversation well.

He denied no meth use. He admitted to using only synthetic a few times. I spoke to the nurse and he was negative on his drug test upon admission. They do not test for synthetic. I believe he was withdrawing from meth when I saw him...maybe a day or two. Perhaps it wasn't in his system by the time he was tested?

He then goes on to tell me how I judge him and accuse him, etc. Whatever!

I told him that his father offered sober living for a month or so. He said he wanted to get out of town....I said "ok...then go."

I can't help him. He pulls on my mother heart-strings...."poor me" attitude. Ugh!

I told him that it would be up to him to find a sober living home....to call and see if they have availability and what the rules are etc.

He said they just gave him his first dose of meds today. He hasn't eaten yet...in 4 days. Not sure if thats the truth as it may be the "heart strings" pull that he does or ie manipulation. I asked him "do you want to get better? He said "yes...I am going to group and whatever they say."

I just want him to take control after he gets released...he said 5-7 days. He can find the sober living home. I gathered the numbers. At least he has a few days to think about the offer.

robgt350

Tx
how is your past with addiction?

it must have taken alot of strength to kick your daughter out like you said. but in some way, it will help her in the long run. that is great you meet up and had lunch with her.
how do you think things will be after your hubby gets out? do you think he is making progress and will maintain it after he gets out.
Tx have you tried going to the chat room and talking to people there?

Txhelp

robgt: I have no addiction history. I don't smoke cigs; drink a few times a year; nothing else in my history. It seems to be around me! If it were contagious I'd be in trouble....

It takes tons of strength but to tell you the truth it's been about 10 times over a few years. It gets old and her living with me NEVER works. She has to do it on her own.

My son has lived with me a few times...he's older than my daughter. He is low maintenance overall. However, if he uses his mood swings; impulsiveness; etc shows.

Haven't thought of the chatroom. What is the benefits to a live chat?

My husband has checked himself in rehab...after going to his HR and asking for help. He has a history of using for 10 years and sobriety for 13 years. He knows what life is like in darkness. He is motivated; humbled (was prideful) and taking all suggetions that the rehab has given him. I am very proud of him....

Txhelp

I received my first call from my son, at the psychiatric hospital, since his admission on Saturday. It wasn't good overall. I was annoyed that he still denies his drug use while inpatient although evidence was contrary. I planted the seed for sober living and reiterated that I didn't want him living with me. I don't like the lies and avoidance that his drug use does to him.

Today he called back and he was his normal self and did not give me his crazy talk. Said he was interested in sober living per my suggestion. I told him that I would fax him the info...if they would let me and he could begin contacting some of the homes for availability and rules.

The old me would have contacted the homes, asked questions and had an appt. I told him that he was 25 years old and needed to take some control of his life. This is probably the last time that we assist him regarding housing assistance (sober living). He is very fortunate to have parents that have bent over backwards for the past 5 years to help/enable him!!! (that's the truth....the enable part)

Twofish

Good morning Tx, I think you're a great momma please don't think otherwise. You di what you thought was right for your children, especially the older AS, as I have done with my adult ADs! So the big day for your husband is Thursday, correct? Are you ready for him to come home from inpt therapy? Are you excited or dreading it? I truly hope this is a joyful reunion for both of you. I'm glad to hear you spent quality time with the daughter, that must of felt encouraging...are you gonna allow her to come home for Thanksgiving? That's a tough decision. My girls always seemed to find a way to wreck holidays for my family, I hope this doesn't happen to you. I agree with you on the son, why put all the time and effort into a Holiday and meal, when the chances are he will ruin it? I have hope that you and your husband have a very Happy greatful Thanksgiving and homecoming, you deserve the demon to visit someone else's home!

Txhelp

Thank you twofish! Your posts are so supportive and caring....

I will not be home for Thanksgiving as I will be with my husband at the rehab eating turkey and checking out. He will attend his last outside meeting for the area that he's been while at the rehab. He will get his 30 day token/chip. We will return home Friday.

I am not dreading his return. I am leaving things open and feel that things will show itself sooner or later. I am independent and trust my judgment and decisions. I am very proud of his decisions thus far on getting his own help and working his program. He seems motivated but I will try not to do the "what ifs" as that can make one crazy!

My daughter is going over to my moms for Thanksgiving. My son says he will be discharged tomorrow morning. He knows I will not be in town to pick him up. I guess he will figure out how to get home. A part of me figures that I am one cruel mom. The other part of me is I am tired of arranging my life around people who are choosing to mess up their lives and not GRAB the help/assistance that they have received.

At least my son will leave the hospital with a clear head to make decisions. Not sure how long that will stay but at least he's not crazy thinking at this time. He has my fax of sober living homes. Maybe he will get lucky and find one in a day or two.

So sad that it has to come to this...a bittersweet Thanksgiving. Picking up my husband and leaving my kids to fend for themselves. It's against my mom nature. I know you all understand.

Newimage

Txhelp, you are not a cruel mom, neither are you leaving your kids to fend for themselves. It's a little hard to go in three directions at once, but you are even managing that! Your husband is the top priority today, you've made sure your daughter has plans, and you have provided once again options for your son.

Thinking of you today *hugs*

needingabreak

Thinking of you today TX. Prayers that everything works out with your son. By giving him tough love you are giving him a gift.......to be independent and help himself. Best wishes with your husband's coining out today! You are a very strong woman!

Txhelp

The road is still bumpy and difficult.

My husband has been involved with NA/AA since he's been home with 1-2 meetings daily. He has already found a sponsor and met with him. I am very impressed with him and how open and honest he has been. I've attended several meetings with him. It really helps me hear, from the horses mouth, how addicts out of desperation, get sober. How it really is up to them. How no person can fix them. The more you do....as a parent/loved one the longer it takes for them to "get it."

My son was released from the hospital (for suicidal threats-withdrawal from meth and synthetic marj), on Thanksgiving, as I was heading out of pick my husband up from rehab. I had warned him that I may be out of town and his sister might have to pick him up. He called me anyway as he was released. I felt like a smuck not picking him up but I had told him.

He eventually made it over to the place where my daughter (his sister) is staying. I am worried about him. He has not contacted me or responded to my texts or calls. He doesn't have his wallet or money that I am aware of. I have his partially-paid for car as his sister drove it to the shopping center, clutch broke, and she walked away. My kids have both been offered sober living homes if they wish.

I am so disgusted. I found the car at the shopping center. It looked like a trash dump inside. Trash everywhere....she drove the car and didn't bother taking care of it. Why do I expect much more? She left it Friday...texted me "clutch is broke" and didn't respond to any of my texts till Saturday.....when she needed a ride from work. Then I got where the car was located.

Both my son and daughter have lied....same old addict lie's. Why am I surprised?

It's been so difficult to know that I purchased a cheapo car for my son, while he was working. He paid for half while he was still living with me and then faked a few weeks of working....even though he was fired. I felt like I was duped.

They really don't care. I find it so hard to believe but it's taking me a few years to come to terms. They don't care about my rules; the car; how I am; etc. It's about what they want.

At this point, after all of these years, I guess I have been waiting for the "wake up or turnaround" and frankly it's not happening. I see progress, at times, then it goes back to the same old stuff. It's just sad.

needingabreak

Oh TX. Big hugs to you. While I am impressed with all the hard work your husband has put on I am saddened to hear of your son and daughter. I know that waiting period well and we have been going through it too. Today I feel like Ifinally get it. Having a child who is addicted is so heartbreaking. It is very sad. We want so badly for them to live a productive life in society but be happy as well. I know deep down my son is just not happy. It's time for him to figure this all out on his own. He has the tools. Praying for you TX.

BoxinRotz

You really need Mother of the Year award! You are doing a great job at letting your children spread their wings and fly... even if they splat.

You don't deserve to be beat down with their problems. I hope you're taking care of yourself. I also hope your husband finds his way. Don't beat yourself up. Keep doling out that tough love Mama! You're doing what you need too even if it hurts like hell!

Txhelp

Thank you guys! I really needed that!

Jend719

(((Tx)))) I have to laugh at the term "bombshell texts". I've received way too many of those from my AD over the years and that's an awesome way to describe it. I feel your pain and frustration. I just kicked out my 21 yo son for testing positive and my AD is in jail. It's so hard to have one addict let alone 2. The mind games that it plays...where did I go wrong, could I have been a better mother, why did this happen etc. my AD has mental health issues also. In the spring she was committed to the hospital against her will. When she was discharged the soc worker had filled out an application for "system of care". It's supportive services through the county for people with mental health disorders. They informed me that we can fill out a SPOA application for her (single point of access). They would review her situation and needs and even help to get her housing. I think it would help you if you called your county's mental health department and see what services are available for your son. It's very difficult when addiction and mental health issues coexist. The mental health portion cannot be addressed until the addiction is addressed. Even though they are adults they lack the mental clarity to manage their own care. These programs would help him do that and take some of the load off of your shoulders. Almost all of the time, I feel like I am in this and handling everything alone. My husband goes into a "shell" and does not have healthy coping skills. It sounds like you are dealing with the same thing. I feel guilty for kicking them out too. But like the "open letter to my family" posts says "they cannot reach the path to rock bottom if you are blocking the entrance". It's a very difficult thing to do and goes against all of our instincts as mothers. At least we all have each other to lean on.

Txhelp

Our county's mental health system doesn't offer much....other than medication support and some counseling; case management. I used to work in community mental health.

Both of my children have physicians that they see. Often they will see them, maybe take their meds halfway but not really much with consistency. They just aren't ready to commit to much it seems.

My son was arrested last night for a red light. He had a warrant and we all knew it. He seems to be able to put things on the back burner and not take care of important things. He ALWAYS gets caught....in relatively short periods of time. He isn't good at not getting caught. Never has been. The warrant was for not doing community service as promised after a reckless driving incident (years ago). He really had ample amount of time. He didn't call me but his sister did. She said "it's good. Maybe he can take care of his things while he's in there." (time served).

I almost have no reaction. My daughter has his car, again, and she trashed it last time. We will see. Oh well.

I am so tired. Thank goodness for my support at SR and friends!

needingabreak

TX, hope things turn around for you and the kids. You sure are due for a break! Are you able to do something special for just YOU? Wishing you more peace in the next coming weeks!