Confront him?
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Originally Posted by incitingsilence 
But you already know how bad it is. He is showing you each and every day. What is it about you that leaves you unable to see it? Why can’t you just accept the truth?
And he knows you know, but he will play his own fair share of head games which will tell him you don’t … and do everything in his power to protect the addiction including all that crazy making, making you think you are the problem.
This isn’t personal, he isn’t using at you.
He is an addict, it is really simple, and this is what addicts do.
I know how hard it is to take that as an answer, but it usually it is the only one that makes it all make sense.
He will make a awesome distraction if you allow him to. And that will keep you stuck in the cycle.
You can opt out at any time. And that has nothing to do with staying, leaving, running, kicking him out…
Maybe it is time to ask yourself why you don’t, why you can’t opt out … what you are getting out of living in obsessing, out of snooping, from the fear you may feel, the anger as well….
And he knows you know, but he will play his own fair share of head games which will tell him you don’t … and do everything in his power to protect the addiction including all that crazy making, making you think you are the problem.
This isn’t personal, he isn’t using at you.
He is an addict, it is really simple, and this is what addicts do.
I know how hard it is to take that as an answer, but it usually it is the only one that makes it all make sense.
He will make a awesome distraction if you allow him to. And that will keep you stuck in the cycle.
You can opt out at any time. And that has nothing to do with staying, leaving, running, kicking him out…
Maybe it is time to ask yourself why you don’t, why you can’t opt out … what you are getting out of living in obsessing, out of snooping, from the fear you may feel, the anger as well….
I may be new to this forum, But I am not new to addiction. My husband has been an addict for 10 years- I have known my husband since we were little kids. He used to talk to me about his problems with addiction but now he just tries to hide it from me. He is an amazing liar. What I have found over the years, is that when I stop trying to get through to him, when I turn my head and let him live his life, let him do what he does with his pills- well I start to lose sense of the reality that I am living in. the further I put myself away from his addiction, the more I lose the extent of his addiction, I start to tell myself its not as bad as it really is, I start to pretend that its ok, that hes ok. Then he starts to use more and more, because he thinks that I am oblivious suddenly, because im not talking to him about it anymore. So I go through his phone, and it brings me back to reality.
I live with my husband, I cant just "opt" out of his life like that- its not realistic. Can I work on myself- of course, but Im not going to set my husbands addiction aside and pretend like life is great- sorry.
Now to TMZ- Thank you so much for that, you are the only person who has acted like im in a marriage, and when we are in marriage- you cant just leave things left un said. you cant just live a separate life from the person you are married to and watch that person ruin their life and never say a word. It doesn't make sense to me. He needs to know how I feel, he needs to know how this affects me, he needs to know Im worried. I know that he wont change unless he wants to( like I said- hes been at this for 10 years). But he can at least hear what I have to say about it. Im his wife and I have every right to confront him. I know my husband- and I know that right now he thinks he has me fooled bc I haven't said anything to him in months.
I am going to get help on myself, bc yes its making me sick with anxiety and no its not healthy for me. and I do have every intention on going to Nar anon.
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Hi. I am not new to addiction either. I know it's difficult to focus on you when the love of your life is literally killing themselves. My husband is an IV heroin user.
He does need to know how you feel but because of his disease he won't be able to hear you the way that you hear him.
If this is a life-death situation it needs to be handled like one. You must go to your extreme and ACTIONS are the only thing that will work. Sadly. If you want to live with him, watching him kill himself everyday will only bring you sadness. We try to pretend everything is okay because we want everything to be okay.
I don't know what will help your situation. I think others know what it's like to be ran over by the truck called addiction and then stood there while the truck called addiction backed up and hit them again.
Everyone means well.
You may very well need medical attention due to the stress he is causing you. I know you want him to quit and get help. If he doesn't think he has a problem... he won't quit. Finding a way to deal with your anxiety and stress is much like a person who is living with a cancer patient. You have to find peace for yourself and children. Good luck! I have been there!!
He does need to know how you feel but because of his disease he won't be able to hear you the way that you hear him.
If this is a life-death situation it needs to be handled like one. You must go to your extreme and ACTIONS are the only thing that will work. Sadly. If you want to live with him, watching him kill himself everyday will only bring you sadness. We try to pretend everything is okay because we want everything to be okay.
I don't know what will help your situation. I think others know what it's like to be ran over by the truck called addiction and then stood there while the truck called addiction backed up and hit them again.
Everyone means well.
You may very well need medical attention due to the stress he is causing you. I know you want him to quit and get help. If he doesn't think he has a problem... he won't quit. Finding a way to deal with your anxiety and stress is much like a person who is living with a cancer patient. You have to find peace for yourself and children. Good luck! I have been there!!
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I really feel your frustration MLJ. Having grown up with my husband too, I know how it feels to have such a strong tie to someone. I can't and won't tell you not to go through his phone bc I have gone through my husband's phone more times than I care to admit! And honestly I think it was helpful in a way. It confirmed my suspicions and let me know that yes he is using and he is lying. Some of the best advice I got on here was when someone asked me "what now?" Now that I have snooped and I know what I know what is my plan. Of course I didn't have an answer. But it got me thinking, how will I handle this? I knew I couldn't ignore it. What I had been doing (confronting him and then fighting about it) wasn't working. Time for a new plan of attack. I wasn't prepared to leave him. Unfortunately I had made the mistake of threatening to leave and not following through with it. I don't recommend that either. I involved other family members. Even if they don't handle it exactly the same way as you I personally think it's good to bring the secret to light make him accountable. For my husband that really scared him. I don't necessarily think that you can scare someone into sobriety but it made him aware of the fact that WE were all aware of his secrets and lies. I wish I had some great advice for you about how to handle this. All I can really do at this point is share my story with you which sounds very similar to yours in many ways and let you know that you're not alone. I know how you feel and I'm sorry you're going through this.
-H4H
-H4H
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Keepinitreal,
thank you for that. and I know that others have been through this probably in more ways than I have. and I know they mean well in every word they have said. I have learned a lot in my short time on this forum from every persons comments. I don't expect to change him, I know he has to be the one to do it. WHat I am saying is that- I am in a marriage, and In a marriage you need to talk to the person you are married to about anyting you feel necessary. silence will kill my marriage. I love my husband with all my heart and he breaks my heart every day of my life- yes it sucks! But I am not leaving him as of now, Im just not there yet bc I still have hope that he will get better one day. I want to be there when he decides that.
I need to get help for what his addiction is causing me, and I will.
thank you for that. and I know that others have been through this probably in more ways than I have. and I know they mean well in every word they have said. I have learned a lot in my short time on this forum from every persons comments. I don't expect to change him, I know he has to be the one to do it. WHat I am saying is that- I am in a marriage, and In a marriage you need to talk to the person you are married to about anyting you feel necessary. silence will kill my marriage. I love my husband with all my heart and he breaks my heart every day of my life- yes it sucks! But I am not leaving him as of now, Im just not there yet bc I still have hope that he will get better one day. I want to be there when he decides that.
I need to get help for what his addiction is causing me, and I will.
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I have not left my husband MLJ88. He's coming home after jail and is saying he is excited about going to a 14 month program to help him re-learn life without drugs. He has been using drugs since he was 11. I have been with my husband for 12 years. We were addicts together who quit and relapsed until 2009 when I was done for good. Not everyone leaves.
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My husband is in recovery, heroin addiction.
Do I need to share HIS whole background, all the drugs, methods of use. I sure hope not. I didn’t seek out recovery for him, I did for me. He surely wasn’t the only sick one in our home.
I had to mourn my husband as well as he was alive. I also found removing the addiction totally, that using and not using breakdown that is like some twisted hook to keep you on the line. Love em when they are clean, hate em when they are using … It had to go and made the truth easier to see.
I totally opted out.
Oh and to be clear, I am still very much married. I did not ignore the addiction, I did not turn a blind eye. I had boundaries, I had a line also that I knew was not mine to cross. I gave him back his addiction. I stopped enabling, obsessing and focusing on him and I just allowed him to run his madness out, with his shrink and counselor as it should be. It wasn’t mine, I had my own issues to work on. He knew my feelings and he sure as hell didn’t miss the changes in me as I worked on myself.
And the TMZ advice. For anyone considering those calls please check your motive. Also weigh all safety issues.
So you call the doctor, have him flagged then get the doctor flagged….you are assuming this will be a good thing, what if it is just the start of another nightmare. Last thing any addict needs is someone to make them more desperate than they are.
I have spent to much time listening to stories from woman who tossed the drugs, called and ratted them out, called doctors, reported doctors, called pharmacies and I don’t have many happy stories to pass on. I won't give you any fake guarantee either, not my style. I can tell you of those who got the **** beat out of them. And sadly all they were doing was something they thought would help or save those they loved, desperate themselves … never expecting such a violent reaction and some had the signs of that possibility and others had none.
It is that need to do something, anything that really f*cks things all up.
Are you prepared to deal with the ramifications of all the actions you take?
Do you think no supply from a doctor will keep him from using?
Oh and there is no worse than or better than, addiction is self explanatory and it is a progressive disease, period. It always gets worse as they continue to use. So you looking for signs to something that is right there now. He is using, it will get worse. It really is so simple. But damn if we haven’t all complicated the hell out of it.
The above, rinse , repeat. as kindeyes wrote of earlier And you know it has a lot of that definition of insanity in it. So ask yourself, are you doing the same thing over and over and over expecting different results? Isn’t there anything different you could do?
An intervention, please make sure you consult a professional if you choose to go this route.
Do I need to share HIS whole background, all the drugs, methods of use. I sure hope not. I didn’t seek out recovery for him, I did for me. He surely wasn’t the only sick one in our home.
I had to mourn my husband as well as he was alive. I also found removing the addiction totally, that using and not using breakdown that is like some twisted hook to keep you on the line. Love em when they are clean, hate em when they are using … It had to go and made the truth easier to see.
I totally opted out.
Oh and to be clear, I am still very much married. I did not ignore the addiction, I did not turn a blind eye. I had boundaries, I had a line also that I knew was not mine to cross. I gave him back his addiction. I stopped enabling, obsessing and focusing on him and I just allowed him to run his madness out, with his shrink and counselor as it should be. It wasn’t mine, I had my own issues to work on. He knew my feelings and he sure as hell didn’t miss the changes in me as I worked on myself.
And the TMZ advice. For anyone considering those calls please check your motive. Also weigh all safety issues.
So you call the doctor, have him flagged then get the doctor flagged….you are assuming this will be a good thing, what if it is just the start of another nightmare. Last thing any addict needs is someone to make them more desperate than they are.
I have spent to much time listening to stories from woman who tossed the drugs, called and ratted them out, called doctors, reported doctors, called pharmacies and I don’t have many happy stories to pass on. I won't give you any fake guarantee either, not my style. I can tell you of those who got the **** beat out of them. And sadly all they were doing was something they thought would help or save those they loved, desperate themselves … never expecting such a violent reaction and some had the signs of that possibility and others had none.
It is that need to do something, anything that really f*cks things all up.
Are you prepared to deal with the ramifications of all the actions you take?
Do you think no supply from a doctor will keep him from using?
Oh and there is no worse than or better than, addiction is self explanatory and it is a progressive disease, period. It always gets worse as they continue to use. So you looking for signs to something that is right there now. He is using, it will get worse. It really is so simple. But damn if we haven’t all complicated the hell out of it.
I may be new to this forum, But I am not new to addiction. My husband has been an addict for 10 years- I have known my husband since we were little kids. He used to talk to me about his problems with addiction but now he just tries to hide it from me. He is an amazing liar. What I have found over the years, is that when I stop trying to get through to him, when I turn my head and let him live his life, let him do what he does with his pills- well I start to lose sense of the reality that I am living in. the further I put myself away from his addiction, the more I lose the extent of his addiction, I start to tell myself its not as bad as it really is, I start to pretend that its ok, that hes ok. Then he starts to use more and more, because he thinks that I am oblivious suddenly, because im not talking to him about it anymore. So I go through his phone, and it brings me back to reality.
The above, rinse , repeat. as kindeyes wrote of earlier And you know it has a lot of that definition of insanity in it. So ask yourself, are you doing the same thing over and over and over expecting different results? Isn’t there anything different you could do?
An intervention, please make sure you consult a professional if you choose to go this route.
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Incitingsilence-We all Handle things in our own way. We all hit areas in life where we feel things need to change, we need to change. I wasn't judging you or acting like u weren't married. I was just saying that I live with my husband currently- that I am not willing to totally opt out. You assumed that I am unable to see the truth, that I'm blinded by him. You were wrong- I see it every day, I'm just not willing to opt out of his life. Like I have said multiple times- I don't expect him to change unless he wants to. But I should be able to tell my husband how I feel and that he's not pulling any wool over my eyes.
We all have different situations in our lives that have caused us to react in different ways. I may not do everything to "code" but I do it bc I feel it's right. I still have not confronted my husband, and I don't know if I will. I thank you for your advice, I have listened and it's in my head with what everyone else has said to me since I joined this forum. But please don't assume that I'm blinded by his lies in any way shape or form. All I am is a concerned wife.
We all have different situations in our lives that have caused us to react in different ways. I may not do everything to "code" but I do it bc I feel it's right. I still have not confronted my husband, and I don't know if I will. I thank you for your advice, I have listened and it's in my head with what everyone else has said to me since I joined this forum. But please don't assume that I'm blinded by his lies in any way shape or form. All I am is a concerned wife.
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MLJ - If you tell him that you reported the dr. then it may be unsafe for you. That's all. I know that I have a problem holding back my feelings. I would have never been able to hold off telling my husband for more than a day. (may be my lack of self control - working on that).
If it's not from that Dr. he will find drugs another way.
I think what opt out means, is stop engaging in the insanity. If you are safe living there and comfortable... great! Yet, lowering your expectations for your husband may be in order. If you stop expecting him to be a non-addict.. while he IS AN ADDICT.
Stop being upset when he comes home late. Stop yelling at him for looking high (I did this) You may not be. Stop expecting!!
These are just a few things that helped me deal and keep my peace while living with active addiction. My husband did start stealing from us/stores out of complete desperation. I can forgive, but not forget. Lots of damage done there!!!
If he notices you are ignoring him... then he will wonder why. You can tell him your sick of being around him when he's acting funny. Just be honest.
Of course you miss the old him. WE ALL DO. It's just part of what is taken by addiction. If you start working on your peace and well being and making a plan... a what if I have to leave plan.. (even if you don't ever need to do it).. .the thought process is started.
I say all of this in the kindest way possible. You need to keep your peace and well being for you and your baby.
If it's not from that Dr. he will find drugs another way.
I think what opt out means, is stop engaging in the insanity. If you are safe living there and comfortable... great! Yet, lowering your expectations for your husband may be in order. If you stop expecting him to be a non-addict.. while he IS AN ADDICT.
Stop being upset when he comes home late. Stop yelling at him for looking high (I did this) You may not be. Stop expecting!!
These are just a few things that helped me deal and keep my peace while living with active addiction. My husband did start stealing from us/stores out of complete desperation. I can forgive, but not forget. Lots of damage done there!!!
If he notices you are ignoring him... then he will wonder why. You can tell him your sick of being around him when he's acting funny. Just be honest.
Of course you miss the old him. WE ALL DO. It's just part of what is taken by addiction. If you start working on your peace and well being and making a plan... a what if I have to leave plan.. (even if you don't ever need to do it).. .the thought process is started.
I say all of this in the kindest way possible. You need to keep your peace and well being for you and your baby.
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I also want to add.. Mourning for you loved one while they are still alive... also helped me. I had to mourn the loss of someone that wasn't there anymore. Especially when the addiction had escalated to a point.. that I couldn't see the old him any longer. It was like staring in the face of satan.
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I have started to advise a just in case I have to leave plan. I am trying to work on myself and less on him. But damn it's hard! Especially when I see him on a daily basis doing what he does. It's hard when my son adores his dad. Bu I totally understand what everyone is saying- I really do and I appreciate EVERYONE'S support and advice. I'm so glad I have found SR to help me sort this out in my head.
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One of the things that took me a very long time to ACCEPT was the fact that I was constantly trying to have reasonable conversations with an un-reasonable mind. I was always waiting for my opportunity(when I thought he wasn't high) to express my feelings about the situation.
What I have since learned is that even when I suspected he was not high I was still having my conversations with a brain that is saturated by drugs. So on those rare days when I assumed there was some clarity on his part I was wrong. There thinking, their logic their emotions are still under the influence. Drugs take a long time to leave the system then once they are all out the brain still needs to heal and return to a normal way of thinking. That can be months and months.
He would yes me to death, he would agree even at times admit he had a problem and would say all the things I longed to hear..........there was just never any action to back up his words. Then my words would be used against me the next time he was coming down off his high and filled with anxiety and anger and rage.
Your wanting him to know what his addiction is doing to your life at the same time all he's thinking about is continuing to feed it.
Please remember that there is always HOPE but hope is not a plan. I hope to one day win the lottery but I certainly can't plan my financial future on that.
What I have since learned is that even when I suspected he was not high I was still having my conversations with a brain that is saturated by drugs. So on those rare days when I assumed there was some clarity on his part I was wrong. There thinking, their logic their emotions are still under the influence. Drugs take a long time to leave the system then once they are all out the brain still needs to heal and return to a normal way of thinking. That can be months and months.
He would yes me to death, he would agree even at times admit he had a problem and would say all the things I longed to hear..........there was just never any action to back up his words. Then my words would be used against me the next time he was coming down off his high and filled with anxiety and anger and rage.
Your wanting him to know what his addiction is doing to your life at the same time all he's thinking about is continuing to feed it.
Please remember that there is always HOPE but hope is not a plan. I hope to one day win the lottery but I certainly can't plan my financial future on that.
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But you won’t be able to live a healthy, peaceful, sane life with him in the same house if you don’t opt out of his insanity. It isn’t possible.
Keepingitreal got it…
Oh expectations are just resentments in the making.
And I am not sure why you don’t share how you feel. Using I, not You.
Confronting his drug use, waste of time. He can't see it, or he would.
Tossing out a list of all them, look what you did to me …. Another waste of time, better spent to figure out why you may have allowed.
Boundaries are awesome.
Acceptance is awesome too.
Keepingitreal got it…
Oh expectations are just resentments in the making.
And I am not sure why you don’t share how you feel. Using I, not You.
Confronting his drug use, waste of time. He can't see it, or he would.
Tossing out a list of all them, look what you did to me …. Another waste of time, better spent to figure out why you may have allowed.
Boundaries are awesome.
Acceptance is awesome too.
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