Phone Call to Woman he Cheated With
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Phone Call to Woman he Cheated With
I did something that I'm proud of because it was hard for me, and I think it's also a step in the right direction towards rebuilding trust in my marriage after the cheating by my husband during his relapse running binge of cocaine. He cheated on me with a woman from his office. She is older than him, married, two small kids, and worked in some type of clerical job. I had even met her once. She used cocaine with him, and had her own alcohol and addiction problems were known by some there. Doesn't matter, it hurt because it was a name, story, a person he knew before the relapse. I know nothing happened between them until he relapsed and they started drinking together and doing coke. I hate the thought of her in any form.
Here is the thing, we were both tested for std's after all this happened, and mine were all ok, he was ok except later tested positive for chlamydia. It's treatable infection and curable. He already did that and is ok now. But this woman from work, she quit her job, changed her phone numbers. I was angry when I found out he tried to call her a while back found out the number was disconnected. It came up again in our family session, and the doctor agreed she needs to know of the STD. I get it; I understand she needs to be told. But why does he need to be the one to tell her? Can't a doctor contact her? He and the counselor agree because there was a working relationship, he needs closure. He wants to tell her it's over, it meant nothing, apologize, tell her to never contact him, and oh by the way did you give me an STD, if not then I may have given it to you, and you may have given it to your husband and anyone else you been sleeping with, hope a new job comes along, have a great day !!
He asked me if it was ok if he had someone he works with go to HR and try to fish out a current number because of benefits stuff they might have it. He got the number. He asked me if I wanted to be there when he talked to her and I said no. I did want to, but if he needed closure then he needed to feel free to say whatever he needed and be done with it. I'm proud of myself for this. I've thought about it and I trust him and his motives. I want to move on !
Was doing ok until he told me as a backup he made a recording of their conversation through an app or something on his phone. It's there if I want to listen to it. Yes I do, but No I don't. He told me how it went, she denies giving him anything but has not been tested. She thinks her marriage will be over once she tells her husband, she can't live without her kids. It sounded bad. He seems emotionless about her, any problems she has to face. It's like that's done. If you want to listen to it tell me, otherwise lets close it. I know women tend to be more emotional then men, but I sort of hate it when he shows no emotion. I have no warm feelings for this woman, but I feel for her family.
Here is the thing, we were both tested for std's after all this happened, and mine were all ok, he was ok except later tested positive for chlamydia. It's treatable infection and curable. He already did that and is ok now. But this woman from work, she quit her job, changed her phone numbers. I was angry when I found out he tried to call her a while back found out the number was disconnected. It came up again in our family session, and the doctor agreed she needs to know of the STD. I get it; I understand she needs to be told. But why does he need to be the one to tell her? Can't a doctor contact her? He and the counselor agree because there was a working relationship, he needs closure. He wants to tell her it's over, it meant nothing, apologize, tell her to never contact him, and oh by the way did you give me an STD, if not then I may have given it to you, and you may have given it to your husband and anyone else you been sleeping with, hope a new job comes along, have a great day !!
He asked me if it was ok if he had someone he works with go to HR and try to fish out a current number because of benefits stuff they might have it. He got the number. He asked me if I wanted to be there when he talked to her and I said no. I did want to, but if he needed closure then he needed to feel free to say whatever he needed and be done with it. I'm proud of myself for this. I've thought about it and I trust him and his motives. I want to move on !
Was doing ok until he told me as a backup he made a recording of their conversation through an app or something on his phone. It's there if I want to listen to it. Yes I do, but No I don't. He told me how it went, she denies giving him anything but has not been tested. She thinks her marriage will be over once she tells her husband, she can't live without her kids. It sounded bad. He seems emotionless about her, any problems she has to face. It's like that's done. If you want to listen to it tell me, otherwise lets close it. I know women tend to be more emotional then men, but I sort of hate it when he shows no emotion. I have no warm feelings for this woman, but I feel for her family.
Ugh. I have been in the husband's position before. I contracted an STD while in a monogamous relationship. Well, I thought it was monogamous, obviously that wasn't the case. I was tremendously hurt at the time. I get tested every year for everything no matter what. I've been in a healthy and happy relationship with my fiance for six years and I still get tested for everything - I don't think he would ever cheat, but I thought that before, also. Never say never. There's really no reason not to do it once you're already, er, up there. Kwim?
This is obviously neither here nor there, just thought you all might need an update on my sexual and medical history.
Anyway - my real reason for responding - play the tape all the way through. Not the recording, but the scenario. Metaphorically. Say you listen to it - what possible outcome would make you feel better? Is there one? Probably not. What if his voice cracks at the wrong time, or he's not mean enough, or she says something awful? There's nothing there that can make you feel better but there is a strong possibility that it could make you feel worse.
Your gut told you not to listen in, and I think that was a really healthy decision, so now you have to just exercise the same resolve with the recording. It's hard, because the first time was essentially like driving past the bakery and smelling the cupcakes but driving home to your broccoli without buying any. Now the cupcakes are in your house. You can still do it, though, It will just take a bit more resolve. I think you should stick with your gut.
This is obviously neither here nor there, just thought you all might need an update on my sexual and medical history.
Anyway - my real reason for responding - play the tape all the way through. Not the recording, but the scenario. Metaphorically. Say you listen to it - what possible outcome would make you feel better? Is there one? Probably not. What if his voice cracks at the wrong time, or he's not mean enough, or she says something awful? There's nothing there that can make you feel better but there is a strong possibility that it could make you feel worse.
Your gut told you not to listen in, and I think that was a really healthy decision, so now you have to just exercise the same resolve with the recording. It's hard, because the first time was essentially like driving past the bakery and smelling the cupcakes but driving home to your broccoli without buying any. Now the cupcakes are in your house. You can still do it, though, It will just take a bit more resolve. I think you should stick with your gut.
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Your gut told you not to listen in, and I think that was a really healthy decision, so now you have to just exercise the same resolve with the recording. It's hard, because the first time was essentially like driving past the bakery and smelling the cupcakes but driving home to your broccoli without buying any. Now the cupcakes are in your house. You can still do it, though, It will just take a bit more resolve. I think you should stick with your gut.
My suggestion is to indeed get rechecked frequently and let the past take care of itself.
You know he cheated, now you need to decide whether to live with this or not.
Nothing will change the past and I'm sorry he even kept that recording, it's now a recording of something that brings pain to anyone who listens to it.
You know he cheated, now you need to decide whether to live with this or not.
Nothing will change the past and I'm sorry he even kept that recording, it's now a recording of something that brings pain to anyone who listens to it.
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The call had to be made and he should have been the one to do it.
I just don’t get him taping it. Why do that to you and to her?
I have to ask. How can you hate the thought of her in any form?
If you can forgive him, then shouldn’t she be afforded that same forgiveness?
Karma would be her returning the call telling him, that her tests were clear and he didn’t get it from her.
I just don’t get him taping it. Why do that to you and to her?
I have to ask. How can you hate the thought of her in any form?
If you can forgive him, then shouldn’t she be afforded that same forgiveness?
Karma would be her returning the call telling him, that her tests were clear and he didn’t get it from her.
Very proud of you BlueChair! I hate to admit it, but I don't think I would have found the strength NOT to listen to the tape. And then I probably would have tried to beat the crap out of my husband with a pan, or a shoe, or his shoe. Oh, the things we do when we are feeling vulnerable or hurt!
Here's to NOT being codependent lunatics!
Here's to NOT being codependent lunatics!
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I think it's really commendable that your able to talk about your feelings in such an open and honest way!
What he did was so hurtful and it betrayed you. So many men/women cheat, and it isn't because they are on drugs. It's for an array of reasons... based on selfishness. In my opinion.
It does sound that he had a bubble of unhappiness and it popped and he just wanted to feel good, no matter what the cost. This isn't your fault. It may be something that is going on at his job or his lack of fulfilling activities in his own life.
Like, you said with golf.... maybe he really needs to find something he enjoys doing (on his own, or with you). Mine, was mothering my babies. I worry that once they are grown I am at a place of relapse or not. I'm now trying to find other hobbies to replace them getting older. They are 3 & 7. They still need me a lot... but once that is gone i'm scared I will have nothing to fill that void.
This is my honest humble opinion. Have you looked into activities. Mud runs, marathons, exotic pets... anything that can be a hobby? Of course everyone is different and enjoys different things.
I commend you for your honesty and I think you made the right choice by not listening. Nothing good will come from it.
What he did was so hurtful and it betrayed you. So many men/women cheat, and it isn't because they are on drugs. It's for an array of reasons... based on selfishness. In my opinion.
It does sound that he had a bubble of unhappiness and it popped and he just wanted to feel good, no matter what the cost. This isn't your fault. It may be something that is going on at his job or his lack of fulfilling activities in his own life.
Like, you said with golf.... maybe he really needs to find something he enjoys doing (on his own, or with you). Mine, was mothering my babies. I worry that once they are grown I am at a place of relapse or not. I'm now trying to find other hobbies to replace them getting older. They are 3 & 7. They still need me a lot... but once that is gone i'm scared I will have nothing to fill that void.
This is my honest humble opinion. Have you looked into activities. Mud runs, marathons, exotic pets... anything that can be a hobby? Of course everyone is different and enjoys different things.
I commend you for your honesty and I think you made the right choice by not listening. Nothing good will come from it.
Applaud your courage to not listen and think it was a wise decision. What good would come from it now? Is your husband going to delete the conversation now that you have said you do not want to hear it. When you are ready, forgiveness to her will bring you more peace. Hanging onto resentment is like carrying a sack of potatoes around. You may feel better if you are able to forgive her as well.
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I think it's really commendable that your able to talk about your feelings in such an open and honest way!
What he did was so hurtful and it betrayed you. So many men/women cheat, and it isn't because they are on drugs. It's for an array of reasons... based on selfishness. In my opinion.
It does sound that he had a bubble of unhappiness and it popped and he just wanted to feel good, no matter what the cost. This isn't your fault. It may be something that is going on at his job or his lack of fulfilling activities in his own life.
Like, you said with golf.... maybe he really needs to find something he enjoys doing (on his own, or with you). Mine, was mothering my babies. I worry that once they are grown I am at a place of relapse or not. I'm now trying to find other hobbies to replace them getting older. They are 3 & 7. They still need me a lot... but once that is gone i'm scared I will have nothing to fill that void.
This is my honest humble opinion. Have you looked into activities. Mud runs, marathons, exotic pets... anything that can be a hobby? Of course everyone is different and enjoys different things.
I commend you for your honesty and I think you made the right choice by not listening. Nothing good will come from it.
What he did was so hurtful and it betrayed you. So many men/women cheat, and it isn't because they are on drugs. It's for an array of reasons... based on selfishness. In my opinion.
It does sound that he had a bubble of unhappiness and it popped and he just wanted to feel good, no matter what the cost. This isn't your fault. It may be something that is going on at his job or his lack of fulfilling activities in his own life.
Like, you said with golf.... maybe he really needs to find something he enjoys doing (on his own, or with you). Mine, was mothering my babies. I worry that once they are grown I am at a place of relapse or not. I'm now trying to find other hobbies to replace them getting older. They are 3 & 7. They still need me a lot... but once that is gone i'm scared I will have nothing to fill that void.
This is my honest humble opinion. Have you looked into activities. Mud runs, marathons, exotic pets... anything that can be a hobby? Of course everyone is different and enjoys different things.
I commend you for your honesty and I think you made the right choice by not listening. Nothing good will come from it.
I can understand about mothering your babies and your worries about when they are grown. My husband has used his work to get a lot of personal fulfillment because he likes what he does and has always been good at it. Before he relapsed things were going wrong with hos work and he took a very personal hit because of it. Like I dont take my work that personally, not to the level he does, I dont feel torn up on the inside or feel failure like he does. His work is not relaxing and he can get too caught up in it, he needs down time to recharge, clear his mind, remember who he is apart from that. Hobbies for me? I have a lot of things that interest me and I do a lot more things for myself than he ever does. I go to the gym, walk or run, make time to hang out with friends for no reason but to talk, shop, even things like organizing photo albums and decorating the pages. I take it back he does go tot the gym but he will get up early before work and go, he makes it part of work almost, no room to vary his schedule. Not healthy to be that strict on yourself.
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try to answer some of the questions, helpful to make myself think about my own feelings. He made the recording because he wanted to cover his a$$ not knowing how I would take it after it was done. I think I handled it alright but he had it in case I needed more. He said he was going to keep it for a while until I was sure we were past it. I tried to word what I wrote carefully, I am proud of myself because I realized I dont hate this woman but I do hate the thought of her in every form. I have forgiven my husband but I am not done moving through the pain it caused me. I think of her and it causes me pain because all I know of her is meeting her once and I have a picture of her in my mind, and then all the games my mind tortures me with about what they did together. I have not thought about the need to forgive her and that makes sense it would be part of my healing. Im glad it was mentioned here I can use that !
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I must admit, I applaud his honesty with you. It sounds like he is being honest and wants to save your relationship. My x had a 6 month affair with an alcoholic and alleged cocaine abuser. I assume she was doing coke, because he was. I feel that if he wasn't using cocaine, he wouldn't of cheated. I only say this because I have been super drunk before and have done things I would never do sober. I also had a son with this man and was very much in love with him. I wanted my family to stay in tact. What I am trying to say is that I would have tried to move past the cheating if he was willing to heal himself, but he wasn't. He chose her and drugs. The cheating hurt more than the abandonment, lies and drugs. I was with him for years and saw him as my soul mate and best friend. I had a REAL hard time with accepting this and dealing with the pain. If had tried to save our marriage I wonder if I would have been able to get past the cheating? People do make mistakes. All you can do is try if he his trying. But, be honest with yourself too. Without trust and respect there is no relationship.
Also, I hate this other woman. I find her disgusting and a POS. She is older than him by 12 years. and has a long police record. I have had some interactions with her and she is vicious. I see her as a sociopath. I also see her as someone who is very controlling. She has money and she has the drugs. My x is a walk all over me type. She could careless about me or my son. She just wanted my x. My x hasn't seen or paid child support tp his son in a year, and she is still dating him? Birds of a feather? Thankfully, my son has never met this mean manipulative alcoholic woman. Right or wrong, I feel empathy and anger towards my x, but only anger towards her. I will never forgive her. BUT, I will and am starting to let it go. I can't even imagine sleeping with a married man and breaking up a family AND saying the things she has to me. She is a sociopath and very selfish. Wrong or right. that is how I feel about the other woman.
Sending many blessings your way!
Also, I hate this other woman. I find her disgusting and a POS. She is older than him by 12 years. and has a long police record. I have had some interactions with her and she is vicious. I see her as a sociopath. I also see her as someone who is very controlling. She has money and she has the drugs. My x is a walk all over me type. She could careless about me or my son. She just wanted my x. My x hasn't seen or paid child support tp his son in a year, and she is still dating him? Birds of a feather? Thankfully, my son has never met this mean manipulative alcoholic woman. Right or wrong, I feel empathy and anger towards my x, but only anger towards her. I will never forgive her. BUT, I will and am starting to let it go. I can't even imagine sleeping with a married man and breaking up a family AND saying the things she has to me. She is a sociopath and very selfish. Wrong or right. that is how I feel about the other woman.
Sending many blessings your way!
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In Michigan, the physician should contact the infected person(s). This is something the CDC tracks nationwide.
Good for you for not listening to the tape. And again, in Michigan, it's not against the law to tape without someone's knowledge or consent.
I'm glad you get repeated checks and are taking care of yourself.
Good for you for not listening to the tape. And again, in Michigan, it's not against the law to tape without someone's knowledge or consent.
I'm glad you get repeated checks and are taking care of yourself.
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I must admit, I applaud his honesty with you. It sounds like he is being honest and wants to save your relationship. My x had a 6 month affair with an alcoholic and alleged cocaine abuser. I assume she was doing coke, because he was. I feel that if he wasn't using cocaine, he wouldn't of cheated. I only say this because I have been super drunk before and have done things I would never do sober. I also had a son with this man and was very much in love with him. I wanted my family to stay in tact. What I am trying to say is that I would have tried to move past the cheating if he was willing to heal himself, but he wasn't. He chose her and drugs. The cheating hurt more than the abandonment, lies and drugs. I was with him for years and saw him as my soul mate and best friend. I had a REAL hard time with accepting this and dealing with the pain. If had tried to save our marriage I wonder if I would have been able to get past the cheating? People do make mistakes. All you can do is try if he his trying. But, be honest with yourself too. Without trust and respect there is no relationship.
Also, I hate this other woman. I find her disgusting and a POS. She is older than him by 12 years. and has a long police record. I have had some interactions with her and she is vicious. I see her as a sociopath. I also see her as someone who is very controlling. She has money and she has the drugs. My x is a walk all over me type. She could careless about me or my son. She just wanted my x. My x hasn't seen or paid child support tp his son in a year, and she is still dating him? Birds of a feather? Thankfully, my son has never met this mean manipulative alcoholic woman. Right or wrong, I feel empathy and anger towards my x, but only anger towards her. I will never forgive her. BUT, I will and am starting to let it go. I can't even imagine sleeping with a married man and breaking up a family AND saying the things she has to me. She is a sociopath and very selfish. Wrong or right. that is how I feel about the other woman.
Sending many blessings your way!
Also, I hate this other woman. I find her disgusting and a POS. She is older than him by 12 years. and has a long police record. I have had some interactions with her and she is vicious. I see her as a sociopath. I also see her as someone who is very controlling. She has money and she has the drugs. My x is a walk all over me type. She could careless about me or my son. She just wanted my x. My x hasn't seen or paid child support tp his son in a year, and she is still dating him? Birds of a feather? Thankfully, my son has never met this mean manipulative alcoholic woman. Right or wrong, I feel empathy and anger towards my x, but only anger towards her. I will never forgive her. BUT, I will and am starting to let it go. I can't even imagine sleeping with a married man and breaking up a family AND saying the things she has to me. She is a sociopath and very selfish. Wrong or right. that is how I feel about the other woman.
Sending many blessings your way!
I am so sorry for what happened to your family. I would HATE the other woman after what you know about her.She sounds like a psycho, bad on the inside. I think in some ways its easier the Less I know about this woman, sometimes I think her ultimate intent was to take him for herself, other times I think she was as sick as he was, but I have no warm feelings for her even then. I feel bad for her family, little kids. None of this made her get help as far as I know she is still snorting, drinking, popping and probably doing some other guy. maybe I dont need to forgive her ! She is out of his life, to him she was only a warm body and someone to tell him how great he was when inside he was dying from pain. I dont even want to hear her voice on that recording, I hope the memories fade away in time. I have went to some sites where they deal with cheating and relationships and found them helpful. A lot of people do get past it from what I can tell, but some cant. seems like i see with the ones who cant is they are not getting past the anger and pain, they may end the marriage but they still are living in it because they are still in pain. And that is when the husband tries to fix things, if they dont like yours, then anger has to give way to resolve at some point, or you cant move on. I have been working on it in counseling but everyone says it takes time. I will give it time because he is my best friend, and I love him.
Sending Blessings back to you !
I think you're doing great as far as not wanting to be a part of his "closure" with the OW.
But, the whole getting someone to get her number from HR, the asking if you want to listen in (knowing if it was an actual impromptu phone call, more damaging things could be revealed), and when you refused- a taping of the conversation with repeated offers to listen to the tape, and the aloof attitude... sounds a bit too contrived on his part. He knows that this particular woman is a personal and painful reminder to you and she may be part of the ruse.
However, if he does the same with the other nameless, faceless women then and only then would I think he was sincere.
But, the whole getting someone to get her number from HR, the asking if you want to listen in (knowing if it was an actual impromptu phone call, more damaging things could be revealed), and when you refused- a taping of the conversation with repeated offers to listen to the tape, and the aloof attitude... sounds a bit too contrived on his part. He knows that this particular woman is a personal and painful reminder to you and she may be part of the ruse.
However, if he does the same with the other nameless, faceless women then and only then would I think he was sincere.
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Thank you for recognizing I did good on the closure part. I have to ask what you mean about it being "a contrived ruse" like a setup, a plan? I don't get it.
He did sleep with some other women when he was at the house belonging to the drug dealer of his so called friend. That is where he was found, totally out of it, ended up in the hospital for almost two weeks. Disgusting as it is, he says the woman at the office was the only woman he slept with, UNTIL he was injecting the coke, then he ended up at this place and there were women. He says he slept with some, has no idea how many, doesn't know their names, had no contact with them except at that house. I don't think he could locate them, or he would have to get in deep checking with drug people to guess who it might have been. The doctor said no, he needs to close the book on all those girls, the so called friends, drug house, like it's a package deal. The woman at work was different because he knew the woman before the relapse and it's a separate act of forgiveness he needs to give himself.
I think he is trying to follow what he was told by the counselor about being open with me so we can rebuild trust. I dont feel like he is as sincere when he becomes emotionless, but he says its over, he cant change it, done. I hope he is really letting it go because if he is fooling himself and its not done as far as forgiving himself, then he is not healing on the inside. I hope his doctor is picking up on some of it, I mean he should see it if I do.
He did sleep with some other women when he was at the house belonging to the drug dealer of his so called friend. That is where he was found, totally out of it, ended up in the hospital for almost two weeks. Disgusting as it is, he says the woman at the office was the only woman he slept with, UNTIL he was injecting the coke, then he ended up at this place and there were women. He says he slept with some, has no idea how many, doesn't know their names, had no contact with them except at that house. I don't think he could locate them, or he would have to get in deep checking with drug people to guess who it might have been. The doctor said no, he needs to close the book on all those girls, the so called friends, drug house, like it's a package deal. The woman at work was different because he knew the woman before the relapse and it's a separate act of forgiveness he needs to give himself.
I think he is trying to follow what he was told by the counselor about being open with me so we can rebuild trust. I dont feel like he is as sincere when he becomes emotionless, but he says its over, he cant change it, done. I hope he is really letting it go because if he is fooling himself and its not done as far as forgiving himself, then he is not healing on the inside. I hope his doctor is picking up on some of it, I mean he should see it if I do.
Yeah, a set up. Like, my wife is really upset about our affair, I'm going to call you so just act calm, and don't say anything that would get me in trouble. I think if most women got a call out of the blue and were told they may have a transmittable disease, drama would follow and nobody on the other end (or in the county for that matter) would be calm and aloof. And, I don't see any man calling their lover and inviting their wife to listen in or listen to the tapes. And, if he was following the counselors advice, why not do it from the counselors office in case things went bad, he would be in a safe place to work it out.
And, I'm sure you're going to get some PM's saying what an evil naysaying wench I am. But, I'm really just trying to make you aware of what actually could be going on so you don't get blindsided again. Truth.
And, I'm sure you're going to get some PM's saying what an evil naysaying wench I am. But, I'm really just trying to make you aware of what actually could be going on so you don't get blindsided again. Truth.
I continue to discover.....NEVER underestimate the mind of an active addict or in early recovery. The trauma bonding that an addict can create is very difficult to work through.
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Yeah, a set up. Like, my wife is really upset about our affair, I'm going to call you so just act calm, and don't say anything that would get me in trouble. I think if most women got a call out of the blue and were told they may have a transmittable disease, drama would follow and nobody on the other end (or in the county for that matter) would be calm and aloof. And, I don't see any man calling their lover and inviting their wife to listen in or listen to the tapes. And, if he was following the counselors advice, why not do it from the counselors office in case things went bad, he would be in a safe place to work it out.
And, I'm sure you're going to get some PM's saying what an evil naysaying wench I am. But, I'm really just trying to make you aware of what actually could be going on so you don't get blindsided again. Truth.
And, I'm sure you're going to get some PM's saying what an evil naysaying wench I am. But, I'm really just trying to make you aware of what actually could be going on so you don't get blindsided again. Truth.
No I didn't get any messages about you, I only read messages from a few people anyway because I got a whole bunch of means ones sent to me after I made a remark on marriage a while back. I probably was a little insensitive not thinking about others feelings who were hurting, but I didn't do it intentionally.
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