Milesaway

Hi everyone,
I've been lurking around these boards for quite a while now and am at the point where I just need to vent/ get some advice.

I've been dating my boyfriend for a little less than a year now. At about 6 months in, I found his suboxone under his bed. Prior to this, I knew NOTHING about his drug problems. I've never used any kind of drug in my life besides pot and alcohol, so I was completely beside myself when I found this. When I approached him to have a conversation about the suboxone, he said that he had had a problem with pills in the past, but that it was under control and that the suboxone really helped him. I believed him, but became more and more aware of things that he would say or do that just didnt seem right, or like he was lying to me. He'd always be "working late", or the needle I found in his bathroom was "his friends." When I would confront him about these things he'd get mad at me for accusing him of lying.

Well about a month ago, everything fell apart. Long story short, I found him one night in his apartment completely drunk and high and he ended up telling me everything. He admitted that he still had a problem and was taking oxy and xanax pretty regularly. About 2 weeks later I went over to his place because his phone (given to him by his job) had been turned off and I couldnt get ahold of him for two days. Again everything was a mess. He admitted to using again, and said that his job had sent him home telling him that he needed to get into a rehab facility or that hed lose his job. Soo he checked himself into a 2 week rehab and will be coming home in about 2 days. I've talked to him every night that he's been there and he sounds serious about this being a new start for him, but I can't help but feel a little apprehensive about it all. Thinking back, there were SO many times that I knew he was lying to me and I didnt push enough for the truth. On the one hand, I've really missed him these past few weeks and I cant wait to see him again, but at the same time, I'm so nervous about how things are going to play out with us. I truly want things to work out, but at the same time, I realize that it may reach a point where I'll need to walk away, and that thought absolutely kills me.

Like I said, I'm excited to have him home again, but feel like him and I need to have a serious talk about what his plans are to stay sober and off of drugs. Any suggestions as to when I should do this or what I should say? Also, I can already see a big fight coming about his drinking and going to the bar with his friend (who he didnt even tell about going to rehab). We disagreed about it just about every weekend leading up to his stay in rehab...He believes that he should be able to drink still because hes "not an alcoholic" and that his problem is just with pills. Personally, I dont buy it. Even if he's not an alcoholic, I think he should be giving himself the best shot he can to stay off of drugs, and I think that includes staying away from any substance that could put him in a position to make less than good decisions.
Does anyone have any experience with this particular issue?

Sorry for the long post. I just have a lot of mixed feelings toward my boyfriend right now. I love him and want to support him as best I can, but he's really destroyed any trust that I had in him with all of his lies. Can a relationship come back after this? I'd love any kind of advice anyone has to give.

lizwig

Hi miles away...welcome to the board. I'm glad you found the courage to reach out. This site has been an invaluable source of support for me. That being said...My qualifier is my son so not much info on the partner side of things...but as I'm sure you are aware if you've been spending time here...there are many others here with loved ones currently in rehab or who have previous experience with your questions. More than anything I wanted to welcome you. You are asking some great questions and appear to be realistic about the situation. Hang tough the others will be along shortly.

Kindeyes

Well.....this may sound flippant.....but he'll either stay clean and sober or he won't. The possibility exists that he may not be done yet and if he's not done, he'll keep using until he's sick and tired of being sick and tired. Its just what addicts do. Switching from one drug to another (oxy to alcohol for instance) is simply changing seats on the Titanic.

Time will reveal more. It always does.

gentle hugs
ke

Taking5

2 weeks is awfully short for rehab, sounds more like detox to me. In any case, Kindeyes is correct.

allforcnm

Once trust is broken, Ive found that nothing but time can repair it. Time and two people working together to build it back.... but yes it can be done.

The length of his rehab does seem short, and I say that just to warn you he may not be feeling too well physically when he gets out, and if he is anything like my husband then he may also have emotional ups and downs.

I think it is appropriate for you to ask him what his follow up plans are; I would ask him before he comes home. There should be someone at the rehab that works with him to at least counsel him on whats available in terms of help; counseling, outpatient treatment, group support, etc.

If you search, you will find lots of threads here about continuing to drink, while abstaining from other substances. My husband was never a big drinker, just glasses of wine, or a drink at a party. But his doctor recommended no drinking for at least a year because As you said, it could trigger memories to use other substances, OR without the old drugs, alcohol could take on a new role in life; and end up being a substitute. But in the end, it is his choice, and hopefully if he does drink and it causes problems, he will recognize it quickly and stop. I have read posts like these over on the substance abuse forum. People try it, and then realize bad idea.

Don't worry about not having all the answers right now, they will come to you in time. Just like you were doing, watch his behavior, how he treats you, and never make unacceptable behavior the norm in your life.

Ann

You've been dating this man less than a year and 6 months of that has been chaos.

His detox is very short, I hope he is done...but sweetie, the odds are against him and you have to ask yourself how long you want to stay on the roller coaster.

If you were my daughter I'd suggest you take your lessons from all this and move one. It's very unlikely to have a happy ending.

Hugs

Milesaway

Thanks for the replies everyone. He's only in there for two weeks because that's all his insurance would pay for... He says he's tried to take as much as possible from this experience in the short times he's been there, and has already mentioned the outpatient therapy that he'll be doing at least 3 times/week. From talking to him on the phone last night he sounds really optimistic, but I also know that he's had the help of suboxone throughout this whole process. We've talked about how he knows it isn't a long term solution, but that it's a good start to get him where he wants to be. Does anyone know how long suboxone therapy usually lasts?

At this point I'm still very nervous about him coming home tomorrow, but as kind eyes mentioned, only time will tell how things will work out.

jjj111

Just to share my experience: my sister has been on suboxone for at least four years. I think that many opiate addicts start suboxone with the best intentions of using it as a stepping stone to completely quitting opiates, but they still have to go through withdrawals when they quit suboxone, and many find they can't deal with it and so continue or go back to other opiates. You are getting good advice here--if he is already saying that he is going to continue drinking, and he is still on suboxone, his addiction issues are not resolved, not by a long shot. I would just suggest that you think seriously about whether you want to continue in a relationship that has caused so much uncertainty and heartache.

hellomynameis

Suboxone and drinking are a bad combo. And you do not have a role to play in his recovery. You need to let him deal with it on his own, even if that means he goes down. He can make his own plan but, make sure you have one too. Setting boundaries is important. Might I suggest you look up some information about Nar-Anon.

hellomynameis

In NA we say that alcohol is a drug and that one is too many and 1000 is never enough. Please consider carefully your involvement with this person. I know you feel love for him but, ask yourself this - would you feel good about one of your best friends, or sisters being involved in this situation? Alcohol is a drug - he hasn't learned much if he hasn't heard that in his rehab (detox) program. And he will learn it the hard way.

Milesaway

He hasn't said yet whether or not he plans to continue drinking... That was just the attitude he had a few months ago before he went to detox/ rehab. I'm really hoping that something in him has clicked and he realizes that it's not going to work that way. At this point, I have a few things in mind that I need to see in him if I'm going to continue in this relationship. I don't want to give him any ultimatums because I don't feel that they really work, but in my mind I'm looking at them more like "deal breakers." For instance, he needs to continue his out patient therapy, I won't put up with any drinking, and I need him to be honest with me. Those are my boundaries at this point, and I feel that I need to make them known to him. That's my plan at this point... Otherwise, it's really up to him, because I'd really love to stay and support him through this.

I feel like I sound a little harsh in saying all that, but from reading through everyone's posts on these forums I realize that I'm not going to be the one to make it all better for him... He needs to do that himself. I'm bracing myself for the worst here, but really really hoping for the best.

KeepinItReal

I can honestly tell you that you forbidding him to drink or go out with certain friends will take your energy. You are not his probation officer. You cannot tell him what or what not to do. You can tell him you think they are a bad idea... but in no way... can you telling him what he can or can't do end up well. He'll listen and resent you.. or not listen and you will be upset. I understand where you are coming from. I have tried to forbid certain friendships in my AH life. His sister is a heroin addict and so is his brother in law and brother. He will make excuse after excuse and they will make sense to him.
If you have to tell someone what "they have to do" then your treating them like a child. I'm sorry to be so harsh. I'm not telling you to break up with him. I'm just saying to go with the flow of what he wants to do.. and not put up a fight. You will be on the losing end.
You can start doing healthy things with him like bike riding, walking or something along those lines ...
Just try not to get so upset when he chooses alcohol or drugs "over" you. (if that happens) I'm just saying.... from my experience.... no matter how much someone loves you.. they will love drugs more in active addiction. You will know if he's in recovery or addiction. His actions will speak louder than his words. Good luck!

Lily1918

D was on suboxone, but wasnt ready to stop using. It feeds the receptors in the brain just enough to minimize cravings. I have a friend in NA and she has been on methadone (similar, but not the same) for 5 years. Other than that she is "clean" people are very passionate about maintenance meds. They seem to either be for or against. I think that everyone is different.
I have never taken suboxone, methadone, or vivitrol. I dont know from expierience.
I am in outpatient treatment though and it is very nice and helpful. Everyone I know has had reservations about drinking. It is legal right? But that is something we each have to learn on our own I suppose. How are you handling all of this? Do you really want to be in a relationship like this? You will always be 2nd place. Even if he does love you. Its either dope first, or recovery work first. It is really hard ALWAYS being 2nd fiddle. It doesnt have to be that way though. You can put yourself first, and then after awhile you will attract a man who treasures you as much as an addict treasures dope.

incitingsilence

You know he may truly feel he really doesn’t have a problem with drinking. Whether he is in denial deluding himself or not. You telling him he does won‘t mean a thing he has to find that reality. He has to understand it for him, to save his own ass. And the only way for him to find that alcohol is a problem is by making the choices he wants to for his reasons and dispelling the insanity in his head by living it his way.
There are many lessons to learn and they are best learned by living the way one wishes too…the hard way usually.

And none of it has to do with you.

If you have a problem with him drinking, that is your problem and you have ever right to separate yourself from that.

So the question isn’t about him….
But what you are going to do for yourself so that you have the type of life you want.

Maybe you need a boundary like I can’t live with anyone who drinks. And then stick to it. You really are just wasting your breath as was said trying to get anyone to see their behavior. And totally do yourself a disservice doing that because then you miss your own and how you are acting…

In terms of suboxone treatment, all decisions are between him and his doctor. Another thing that isn’t yours. It will be based on his history with drugs, all drugs, his time in with the opiates, habit. I wouldn’t get involved … and I didn’t when my husband was on it. That was his side of how he choose to find recovery, what I needed to do for my own, was what was more important.

overit263

I'm the story gone bad. after 8 years together and knowing eachother 20 years, putting my AH through school, moving for his job. We had been through a relapse before, and he seemed all about recovery etc., then we moved again for his job, states away, and he screwed me. He apparently had been using for a while, but I controlled the money, and nothing was gone. He went to rehab, then skipped town after, telling me that I make him miserable and that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Fun times. Now I'm living in a state that isn't my home, without benefits because he quit his stable job that he was being groomed for a big promotion with, and I took a low paying job because he told me to take a break from my stressful career. He also skipped town without telling me anything he had done while he was here. I have to find out from random people what he was saying and doing. He apparently lied to his coworkers and told them all that he was living in a hotel so they would give him money etc. It's like a punch to the gut every time someone comes to tell me something I didn't know about what he was doing and it breaks me down all over again. Please, don't let my story become your story. Get out now and focus on your own life. You will always come second to dope. This is a rough lesson to learn and you have the opportunity to make your life different from mine. No addict is special. If they want sobriety, they will do it, but best to stay out of their way while they are working on it.