Boyfriend cheated on me with second "rehab romance"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 3
Boyfriend cheated on me with second "rehab romance"
Hi,
I'm very new here, but desperately need guidance. To start, I am clean and sober and have always been and always will be.
A little background: I have been dating an addict for 6 years, since we were 18 years old. We dated in high school and when my mother passed away from an accident, he was the one who stepped up and was there for me.
On his first venture to rehab (when we were about 18-19), it was court ordered and near our homes. After another year of him unsuccessfully trying to be clean and sober, he went to a "better" rehab farther away. While there, he met a girl who he cheated on me with. We broke up and he was in and out of sober houses while using again with this girl. When he finally hit rock bottom, he came home, got clean from drugs and we started dating again after a lot of months.
We have since had three years of a steady, happy relationship but in the past year he started drinking very heavily. When his family and I noticed, he offered to go into treatment and went for 5 days but then came back because he didn't want to lose his job. He then came to visit me and was so wasted and in pain I had to bring him to the emergency room. He was in ICU for 5 days and then in a psych ward for two weeks. Psych ward because of depression, etc.
I saw him everyday. After his stay in the psych ward, they moved him to a 14-day treatment center. His first two days were good and he said he was looking forward to seeing me. The day before I was supposed to visit, he told me he wasn't ready for visitors. Though hurt, I understood. However, then 7 days after he arrived at this treatment place I finally got him to call me and he was silent on the phone. I asked if there was a problem and he said "yes" I asked what it was and got nothing in response. Finally, I asked the question I had been dreading: Did you cheat on me? and he said "yes." He basically told me he didn't remember our relationship because he was "inebriated" the entire time, though we had often talked about getting engaged and getting married when he was sober (and two days before he went to this treatment he wrote me a letter saying how he cannot wait for our lives to start after he works on himself to be the best he can for me). He said maybe 5 sentences and just agreed with whatever I said to him and accused him of. His family and I are very close, and I found out a few days after we broke up that he never told them, even though he has seen them multiple times.
I am so hurt and so confused by this sudden denial and being thrown away by the man I love. A part of me does not even believe him, because he never actually said anything other than her name and "she makes me happy," which is a load of crap. I have never been anything but supportive and understanding and I'm just so lost. Is this type of rehab romance common?
Thank you.
I'm very new here, but desperately need guidance. To start, I am clean and sober and have always been and always will be.
A little background: I have been dating an addict for 6 years, since we were 18 years old. We dated in high school and when my mother passed away from an accident, he was the one who stepped up and was there for me.
On his first venture to rehab (when we were about 18-19), it was court ordered and near our homes. After another year of him unsuccessfully trying to be clean and sober, he went to a "better" rehab farther away. While there, he met a girl who he cheated on me with. We broke up and he was in and out of sober houses while using again with this girl. When he finally hit rock bottom, he came home, got clean from drugs and we started dating again after a lot of months.
We have since had three years of a steady, happy relationship but in the past year he started drinking very heavily. When his family and I noticed, he offered to go into treatment and went for 5 days but then came back because he didn't want to lose his job. He then came to visit me and was so wasted and in pain I had to bring him to the emergency room. He was in ICU for 5 days and then in a psych ward for two weeks. Psych ward because of depression, etc.
I saw him everyday. After his stay in the psych ward, they moved him to a 14-day treatment center. His first two days were good and he said he was looking forward to seeing me. The day before I was supposed to visit, he told me he wasn't ready for visitors. Though hurt, I understood. However, then 7 days after he arrived at this treatment place I finally got him to call me and he was silent on the phone. I asked if there was a problem and he said "yes" I asked what it was and got nothing in response. Finally, I asked the question I had been dreading: Did you cheat on me? and he said "yes." He basically told me he didn't remember our relationship because he was "inebriated" the entire time, though we had often talked about getting engaged and getting married when he was sober (and two days before he went to this treatment he wrote me a letter saying how he cannot wait for our lives to start after he works on himself to be the best he can for me). He said maybe 5 sentences and just agreed with whatever I said to him and accused him of. His family and I are very close, and I found out a few days after we broke up that he never told them, even though he has seen them multiple times.
I am so hurt and so confused by this sudden denial and being thrown away by the man I love. A part of me does not even believe him, because he never actually said anything other than her name and "she makes me happy," which is a load of crap. I have never been anything but supportive and understanding and I'm just so lost. Is this type of rehab romance common?
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I'm so sorry to hear about the hard time that you have been going through in this relationship. I have dated addicts and can identify with the hurt you are feeling. After I gave so much, maybe more than I should have, hoping that the addict would get well, it was such a disappointment to be let down. I eventually realized that I was in a bad cycle of trying to rescue the addict, becoming angry with the addict, and then feeling victimized by the addict. I also realized that I was free to bow out of this cycle and make choices that would help me live a happier, more peaceful life. Maybe you can identify with some part of this cycle? Your boyfriend's bad behavior is not your fault or your responsibility. He is making bad choices, but you are still free to make choices that are best for you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You deserve so much better than this. You have had a glimpse of what life is like with an addict. He has never had any lengthy recovery and may not be ready yet...or he may be.
He has betrayed your trust, and has nothing to bring to this relationship...it's up to you whether to remain or not but ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the next 5 years? 10 years?
You are young, dear, life is an adventure just waiting for you to show up. You have given your all to a relationship that isn't working out. Take the lesson and move on, that's my suggestion.
Hugs
He has betrayed your trust, and has nothing to bring to this relationship...it's up to you whether to remain or not but ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the next 5 years? 10 years?
You are young, dear, life is an adventure just waiting for you to show up. You have given your all to a relationship that isn't working out. Take the lesson and move on, that's my suggestion.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Lots of fish in the sea.
Don't settle for one that brings you only sadness.
You don't get any "credit" for putting up with bad treatment.
(ALL you get....is the bad treatment)
This is a reality of life and I know you have the courage to face it.
Don't settle for one that brings you only sadness.
You don't get any "credit" for putting up with bad treatment.
(ALL you get....is the bad treatment)
This is a reality of life and I know you have the courage to face it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by havehope628 
I am so hurt and so confused by this sudden denial and being thrown away by the man I love. A part of me does not even believe him, because he never actually said anything other than her name and "she makes me happy," which is a load of crap. I have never been anything but supportive and understanding and I'm just so lost. Is this type of rehab romance common?
Ultimately, you have to ask yourself this: Where is this going to go? What does this say about how much he cares for you and this relationship?
Let him go. If he wanted to fight for you, he would. Even if he's lying, what on earth is he hiding that's WORSE than this?
Be done. Love him, but understand he is destroying you, inside and out. You are BETTER than this, and deserve someone who loves you without being fought for. You shouldn't have to fight for a relationship that doesn't want you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 52
dont feel to bad....there lots of us out there that have gotten ****** over like that....i stuck with my ex through all kind of cheating and deception and when she went in to the sober house i said we can wipe the slate clean and start over....two weeks later she had an "emotional friend", whatever that means....from what i hear theyre still seeing each other together in the sober house...ive moved on(trying to move on)...there lots of people out there that wont take us on the crazy rollercoaster that dopeheads love taking us on...one day at a time...itll get easier
and its common enough that they made up the name 13 stepping for it
and its common enough that they made up the name 13 stepping for it
Last edited by theotherhalf; 09-11-2013 at 05:49 PM. Reason: another thought
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by havehope628
He basically told me he didn't remember our relationship because he was "inebriated"
maybe (big maybe) if it happened only once ???
but
even drunks and addicts know when they are cheating
we should only wish to be in an honest relationship
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 465
You deserve better. Period.
Drunk, high, or otherwise: no one deserves to be treated in that way. He's clearly not done healing from his illness.
Frankly, I think his talk about "being too drunk" for your relationship is complete BS. Yeah, kind hearted people suffer from alcoholism, but dirtbags do too.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet on this one. You can and WILL do better, love <3
Drunk, high, or otherwise: no one deserves to be treated in that way. He's clearly not done healing from his illness.
Frankly, I think his talk about "being too drunk" for your relationship is complete BS. Yeah, kind hearted people suffer from alcoholism, but dirtbags do too.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet on this one. You can and WILL do better, love <3
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Where to start, where to start...
Yes. What you have to understand about addicts is their pleasure centers are always in a constant state of needing to be tickled. So you take two sick people who connect in a sick way and stuff like this is bound to happen.
You're 24 years old, and you've given 6 years of your life to a person that is inherently incapable of being a mature, responsible, reciprocating partner. More to the point, there's no evidence he wants to be any of those things.
Yes, this hurts, and I understand that very, very well. But don't be confused about any of this. The biggest lesson to be drawn from this is we have to judge people by their actions and deeds, and not their words. This guy's actions, to me, speaks volumes. So pay attention to that and get rid of him.
The pain you feel will, unfortunately, stay with you a bit. And that sucks. But can you imagine being married to a man like this? Thank God there are no children involved in this. Accept the pain for what it is: a temporary state which will, at times, be very intense but will subside...
...provided you do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Do a search on the board for "ZoSo's Laws from Surviving a Breakup with an Addict". That may help you understand how you can move forward from this.
Best,
ZoSo
Is this type of rehab romance common?
You're 24 years old, and you've given 6 years of your life to a person that is inherently incapable of being a mature, responsible, reciprocating partner. More to the point, there's no evidence he wants to be any of those things.
Yes, this hurts, and I understand that very, very well. But don't be confused about any of this. The biggest lesson to be drawn from this is we have to judge people by their actions and deeds, and not their words. This guy's actions, to me, speaks volumes. So pay attention to that and get rid of him.
The pain you feel will, unfortunately, stay with you a bit. And that sucks. But can you imagine being married to a man like this? Thank God there are no children involved in this. Accept the pain for what it is: a temporary state which will, at times, be very intense but will subside...
...provided you do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Do a search on the board for "ZoSo's Laws from Surviving a Breakup with an Addict". That may help you understand how you can move forward from this.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
there are a lot of awful "slogans" that refer to the place you are in...
one is: "the rescuer becomes the victim"
and another is: "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
another: "don't delay the inevitable"
there are so many more I am sure...and the reason is that you are not alone...you are dealing with the dark side of human nature...you are dealing with addiction, betrayal, cowardice, dishonesty...just to name a few.
so why delay the inevitable...you don't want these things in your life, correct? then prepare to deal with the short term pain of breaking free from the dark side in order to gain the long term healing and joyful life in the sunlight of the spirit!
one is: "the rescuer becomes the victim"
and another is: "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
another: "don't delay the inevitable"
there are so many more I am sure...and the reason is that you are not alone...you are dealing with the dark side of human nature...you are dealing with addiction, betrayal, cowardice, dishonesty...just to name a few.
so why delay the inevitable...you don't want these things in your life, correct? then prepare to deal with the short term pain of breaking free from the dark side in order to gain the long term healing and joyful life in the sunlight of the spirit!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
He's not done doing drugs. He probably doesn't want to stay sober. That means that he will leave you, for his drugs. He is not a "special" addict. They all love their drugs more than their "people". If he's clean and sober ..... he can still be in active addiction thinking about how he will use as soon as he's free. He's probably just thinking about how to do it better... and not get caught.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by lesliej
there are a lot of awful "slogans" that refer to the place you are in...
one is: "the rescuer becomes the victim"
and another is: "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
another: "don't delay the inevitable"
there are so many more I am sure...and the reason is that you are not alone...you are dealing with the dark side of human nature...you are dealing with addiction, betrayal, cowardice, dishonesty...just to name a few.
so why delay the inevitable...you don't want these things in your life, correct? then prepare to deal with the short term pain of breaking free from the dark side in order to gain the long term healing and joyful life in the sunlight of the spirit!
one is: "the rescuer becomes the victim"
and another is: "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
another: "don't delay the inevitable"
there are so many more I am sure...and the reason is that you are not alone...you are dealing with the dark side of human nature...you are dealing with addiction, betrayal, cowardice, dishonesty...just to name a few.
so why delay the inevitable...you don't want these things in your life, correct? then prepare to deal with the short term pain of breaking free from the dark side in order to gain the long term healing and joyful life in the sunlight of the spirit!
wow,lesliej! if I could write stuff like this.....I wouldn't have to rent a
manure truck to haul the sh** I spread around here!
(thank you for writing it.....it hit the spot!)
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