Where we're at these days...

Old 08-05-2013, 09:38 PM
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Unhappy Where we're at these days...

I haven't been on here in a while but I deemed it necessary to release my feelings to people who understand. I'm also attending ala-non on Wednesday but I think I needed some venting sooner than that.

Currently, my addict boyfriend of almost three years is about four months into recovery. Sometimes, with him being so happy and healthy, I forget how bad things got a few months ago and then I remember and it scares me.

I've been keeping in touch with his mom and family, and also his counselors. He's living in a halfway house but it's very strict and he is still in intensive outpatient. There are many rules that he was following -or seemingly following- up until the past few days. One of the rules is that he needs a pass to see/go out with anyone from outside the house. He didn't tell me this and he and I and one of the guys from the house that he's become really close with went and played frisbee golf and the house owner just happened to ride by on his bike. He said nothing at the time but later on he brought it up to G and I guess G had a bad attitude about it and his counselor told him that he was to not speak to me or see me for two weeks.

Anyways, he called me this morning and told me all of this while he was really angry. I was kind of confused at first and agreed with him that it was BS and then proceeded to call his mom and talk things over with her. She brought my back down to Earth and I then called his counselor (G signed a release for me) and he kind of laid out how things are and need to be. G called me again after that and I told him he needs to follow rules and that we cannot talk for two weeks because he needs to focus on recovery and the program, which he had been seriously into the past few weeks.

His counselor had his phone and told him he could only use it in the office to check and then put back away. He has it for some reason though and has had it all day. I, being codependent, decided to check his facebook to see if he had said anything to anyone. Of course a bad influence friend messaged him asking him where to get MDMA from and he responded with a "here text me and ill help you out". I told him that I looked at his facebook and I was worried and concerned about this, but I went about it in a very calm manner. G then proceeded to blow up on me and started telling me how he doesn't know how he feels about me anymore, that I'm never on his side, that all I do for him is cause problems, calling me crazy, the list goes on...

I've definitely seen this behavior before when I'm saying things that he doesn't agree with and also when he's on the verge of relapse. It really upset me because I'm trying to do the right thing and do my best. Addicts can really be mean and manipulative, can't they?

Anyways, he told me he was going to call me after a group this evening and I ended up texting him after speaking with his family a little more and deciding against that and told him that we need to follow the rules and he needs to focus and I love him and will talk to him in two weeks.

I guess I don't really know where to stand right now. I'm confused and worried and just wondering if he's had a rough day with everything and that's why he was saying those things to me? He's not usually like this, he's a very happy go lucky person, and mostly very sweet and kind to me. One day at a time, I guess but has anyone else dealt with this? What advice can you give me in a situation like this?

Thank you for reading my post and I truly look forward with an open mind to whatever you guys have to say to me.
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Old 08-06-2013, 01:51 AM
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I have bad days. Recovering addicts have bad days too. What's the difference between a bad day and a good day? One day.

He's in a halfway house. He's working on his recovery. He has the support of professionals through his IOP. That all sounds pretty good to me.

Addicts don't like rules. I think sometimes they live to break them. Learning that rules apply to them is an important part of recovery. Understanding consequences is also important.

Take it one day at a time. Time will reveal more....it always does.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 08-06-2013, 04:25 AM
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Ann
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I think taking space for a couple of weeks will be good for both of you. Read your post again and see all the conflict that happened in just a day or so of being together. He needs peace in his life and so do you. If you cannot find it together then maybe "together" is a bad choice.

I'm glad you found Al-anon, those meetings have been a godsend to so many of us.

Hugs
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:14 AM
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Yes, you're right. It all happened very quick where we weren't getting along but he's been in rehab and then to the halfway house since the beginning of July and we haven't fought once or had any trouble yet until yesterday. His counselor also reached out to me and said that he doesn't think he's doing as good as he was the first day he got there.

But yes, I know that I want to be with him and can stick through this but I also know it's not going to be easy for him, or for me either and that's a choice that I need to make when I feel the time is right.

Thanks for your advice
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:39 AM
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You're currently spending a LOT of time worrying about how he's working his recovery. If you instead spend that time working on YOUR OWN recovery you guys might have a shot down the line. Just as it would do better for you to focus on yourself, he needs to keep his primary focus on his own issues, not on you. It's really the only way.

Engaging with him is not helping your recovery, and according to his counselor it's hindering his as well. All of this collusion with his parents, breaking contact rules, and subsequent Facebook stalking to come to decisions about what you think is best for him sounds like a lot of chaos. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 08-06-2013, 12:07 PM
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Red Flags going up all over the place. Recovery is about surrendering. Being willing to do what ever it takes. Rebellion and disrespect for authority have no place in recovery. He is exhibiting dangerous behavior that suggest to me that drugs are calling his name and he is about to answer the call.

You will find that working your own recovery and being involved with how you are doing and what you are doing to grow will benefit you more then focusing on what he is and isn't doing.

Whatever you do ... don't become a partner in crime with his addiction. Respect the authorities that have been put there in his best interest because he is much better in their hands then yours. They will aid him in his recovery. He needs that.

Get your codependency and enabling in check and leave him to the professionals.
I know its hard, but Let go and Let God.

Hugs,
Passion
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