bdrake5

Hello,
I am new to this website and finally decided i really need some advice from someone who has been or is going through the same things.
My ex boyfriend as of a week ago and i broke up after 1 year and 8 months. To sum up the past 9 months, it started with him totaling my car. Then it became him staying up for days on end then maybe sleep usually for 3 or 4 days, things of mine started to disappear and i found pawn slips with my things on them, our apartment got the door kicked down and the tv stolen i think he may have had a part in the theft.
I started to look around the house for evidence of possible drug use and i found pipes, needles, burnt spoon, even a spoon with a patch on it. Each time the lies became more believable, maybe because i wanted so bad to believe him. he has even had needles fall out of his pockets and of coarse i believed his lies. Eventually his ex took his child away from him because he refused a drug test.
He is in complete denial. The last i saw of him was when we broke up and he tried to steal my new watch right off my wrist and took all my money and debit card. Before i changed the locks he came over there when i was staying at my parents and dumped one of my purses out all over the couch, my guess is he was looking for money, he also took a spoon from one of my canisters for coffee. He still has his things at my apartment because he isnt staying anywhere except running around selling drugs and doing them. He addimentally denies that hes using but he had admitted he had tried meth. He has been an addict for a long time and has gone through rehab 2 times so i know that just trying it once for an addict especially is not good.
I just do not know what to do. Hes at the deny, deny, deny phase and the im sorry phase because i have finally shown him i am no longer going to live in that cycle of enabling.
Anyone have any advice for me. Im so lost and cannot believe i put up with this for so long. Everytime he tells me hes not on drugs i still almost believe him because to me he sounds so normal but my norm is way off from normal. He says hes just depressed and does stupid things when hes depressed.
Thank you

Taking5

Advice? Move on!

Don't tell me you're looking for a way to save the damn guy and salvage the relationship. If that's what you're looking for, then you need help as much as he does.

deeker

You need to let him go. Your happiness is not dependent on him. He is a very sick man and he does not sound like he is ready to get help. Save yourself from a lotta grief and loss and just move on. He will do anything for his drugs and I mean anything. He is not good husband material or Father material. You deserve better .


Sometimes I wish my husband left me. He stuck with me for 37 years. I made his life miserable and he has nothing but bad memories. We are rebuilding but all those years were lost to him when he could have met someone else. He's a fantastic man. He deserved better.

lizwig

Wow. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through but am so glad you found us! His addiction is in full force. Thinking of him taking your watch off your wrist....that is scary stuff. Now imagine him doing that to an elderly lady. As hard as it is....keep your distance from him. Protect yourself and be prepared to call the police if needed. The fact that he returned to your apartment and scavenged through your purse says nothing is off limits to him. Now picture yourself trying to stop him. It could get very ugly very fast. You have the opportunity to put this in the rear view mirror and drive away clean. Doesn't mean you don't love or care about him. Just means you love yourself more and recognize you are powerless over his addiction. Sending strength your way today.

bdrake5

Any Ideas on how to get all his stuff out of my apartment? he has a ton of collectible toys and legos, theres just so much i dont know what to do with it. His dad wont take them, hes dont with him.

bdrake5

No Im not looking to to save him or get back with him. Im having a hard time figuring this whole thing out. Its hard with his things still taking up space in my apartment and i dont want to provocm him, i just cant move on with little pieces of him all over the place. I do have a door alarm now.

meadowsis

Maybe give him an ultimatum that his stuff will be out on the porch on such and such day, if he doesn't get it you will have it removed? Its his responsibility, not yours. If I was in a similar situation I would probably go through the process of boxing it up to some degree just so he wouldn't be on my premise again.

If you are concerned about legal stuff, I know that when my AB left stuff at a place he was renting, I think the gal that was on the lease went to the police station and filled out a notice that went out via certified mail, gave him 30 days to remove his stuff or something like that. Of course he hadn't changed his address, so the certified letter went to the house he wasn't staying at, BUT, legally, she went through the correct process and had all the documentation.

Taking5

The door alarm was a great idea.

You are in the USA, and it is illegal for you to just kick him out - even if you have been paying 100% of the bills for the last 20 years. In most states you must evict him if he does not voluntarily leave. So confrontation is necessary.

If he will not voluntarily leave then you need to talk to a lawyer.

lizwig

When my father in law finally kicked out the nut job he had married shortly after my mother in law passed away he could tell she kept coming in the home when he was away. He finally rented a small storage unit in her name. He paid 2 or 3 months rent on it and gave her number for them to call. He let her know she had so long to either empty it or pay more rent. I'm not sure this would work everywhere because I'm not sure you can make financial arrangements in someone else's name but you could even rent it in your own...give him the code...and whatever is still there in 30 days you'll give permission to the owners to"storage wars" it. That would be the nice thing to do. Doesn't sound like he's playing nice though. Have you asked his dad? He may understand.

bdrake5

He has not been legally living in the apartment because I never put him on the lease. Someone told me he has squatters rights. Is that correct?

anond

Was he living with you in the apartment for over a year? If so, you are probably considered a common-law couple. Any chance you could move to another apartment and don't give him your new address? A complete fresh start and going no contact would be something to consider.

Untangling yourself from the mess is hard, but you can do it!

theotherhalf

you could probably just google your rights as a tenant...google knows all

Taking5

If he can prove that he has been living there - mail, voter registration, driver's license, etc. - then you can't just kick him out.

bdrake5

I'm thinking about moving. I have got to get my finances in order since all my money I was saving is gone. I'll have to see what my legal options are
I don't have a nar anon group in my city would I be able to go to al anon?
Well I guess when I went to get my computer out of pawn they locked him from doing business with them and he's so mad. I'm thinking a police report may be my best option for my safety. I'm going to have to move

bdrake5

I don't think he would go to the police because they are looking for him for some other charge that know nothing about.

Carlotta

Bag them up and put them by the door so he does not have to come in when he wants them or even better, drop them at his mom, sister or whomever still give a darn about him.

lizwig

To answer your question about al-anon al-anon vs nar-anon. Yes, you would still find great support there. I have attended al-anon since last October....You just have to mentally switch the words alcoholic with addict. You will likely find others there who are also dealing with addiction. I will NEVER regret dragging myself there. Cried through the entire first meeting but have steadily gained strength every week since. Give it a shot...You won't regret it either!!

bdrake5

Wel I think I'm going to try the eviction notice thing for him to get his stuff. I'm going to the police department to do a report since he's already really mad at me. He'd be safer on jail than he is right now. Going to look into new apartments tomorrow so I can start my life again and my first al anon meeting is tomorrow at 7. I just hope he doesn't snap and try to break in. He said he would never hurt me but drug can make him do crazy things. All I want is for this to be over.

HeWhoSleeps

bdrake5
Here is what you do.
You tell his father that you are putting all of his son's things in the yard. If he wants to come get them, then come on.
Before you put his stuff in the yard you spend the twenty bucks or less for a new door knob/deadbolt set. It's easy to change. You just need a screwdriver. You call your boyfriend (ex?) AFTER ALL the locks are changed and AFTER ALL his stuff is out in the yard. Heck, put it on the street. Seriously. He is NOT on the lease and he does NOT have "squatters rights". While you're at it contact your local Project Safe people and they will provide you with free legal advice and representation should you need it.
After all this is done, call your ex and make it clear that his stuff is outside, he is NEVER coming back in, you have changed ALL the locks, and if he attempts to so much as TOUCH the door you are calling the cops. Be clear. Be firm. And most importantly mean it. I can tell you right now from personal experience anything less firm or final will leave you to be manipulated, used up, and very possibly (if not probably) injured or worse.
If you think this sounds harsh, it's not. You are worth doing EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you need to in order to protect yourself and your home, or sanctuary. He has no right to f*ck with that. No right.
I say change locks, through sh*t outside, and let him know you've got the number to the local precinct. I would even call them and let them know what was happening and ask for a drive by check. The police will do that. That's how they caught my ex prying open my windows with a screwdriver one night. And god only knows what would have happened to me if they hadn't. He went to jail that night and I never had to do anything. He did it to himself.
Best of luck.
Keep posting.

bdrake5

Well an update..... He begged me to talk to him today while I was at lunch. So I made sure when I talked to him I was very calm and told him that he needs help and that he scared me. He said he just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything he put me through. I have no clue if he means it, he probably thinks I'm going to take him back. He said he would go to treatment and I said I can give him the tools I have found but I will not be the one to do this for him. I feel very good about the conversation and that I didn't give in. Found a new place today and just waiting to be approved, in a very quiet building I'd live next door to an elderly couple.
The police said they can't do anything about my missing items be quad we lived together and I can't prove that we didnt buy the things together but they are just material things at least i wasn't hurt.