my appointment at the addiction clinic - looking for suggestions
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
my appointment at the addiction clinic - looking for suggestions
When reality first hit me that my husband might really have an addiction, and that I was enabling him by the way I was responding to his behavior, it was because of a Dr. Phil show. He had a show on addiction and it was parents and their daughter in her early twenties. Dr Phil talked about how addiction was a family disease, and family had to alter their patterns of behavior, be strong, stop enabling, and hopefully get the addict t agree to accept help. He was even talking referencing a place that is in our state where they specialized in helping the whole person. Today I was watching Dr Phil again, and he had a show about a person with bipolar disorder and her family. It was almost the same advice that family had to work on their patterns of behavior and the person needed help and he was recommending the same place near where we live to diagnose and treat her bipolar. I guess I am seeing where if a person does have an addiction then it is like a chronic illness like bipolar. The similarities with bipolar are close to the addiction things I saw with my husband and read about here.
And it got me thinking about the movie "Silver Linings Playbook" because that was about bipolar, but had violent, unpredictable behavior in it too. But the family stuck by him, and he got help, and took meds and learned to control his bipolar. I watched that movie months ago and didn't have a clue about my husband having a serious drug problem then.
I still don’t know what is going on with my husband. I think what scares me the most is that he has trouble understanding how much his behavior changes when he uses cocaine. He thinks he feels good, upbeat, full of energy, excited. what I saw was an aggressive bully, and not concerned about anyone but himself and fulfilling his needs.
I have made this commitment to myself that I will follow through and go alone to the appointment with the specialist this week. I decided to not tell him until I get more of an understanding myself so I feel more comfortable and more in control before I ask him to go himself. I have been trying to write out all the things I want to ask, things I don’t understand exactly. They sent me some things to read through email last week and it helped me come up with more questions too.
I was wondering if maybe people here could give me suggestions on what I should ask, things that maybe it took you a while to “get” or understand, or what basics I need to touch on. I don’t know that is why I'm asking. Please mention anything you think might help, the appointment is not until later in the week. Thanks to all in advance.
And it got me thinking about the movie "Silver Linings Playbook" because that was about bipolar, but had violent, unpredictable behavior in it too. But the family stuck by him, and he got help, and took meds and learned to control his bipolar. I watched that movie months ago and didn't have a clue about my husband having a serious drug problem then.
I still don’t know what is going on with my husband. I think what scares me the most is that he has trouble understanding how much his behavior changes when he uses cocaine. He thinks he feels good, upbeat, full of energy, excited. what I saw was an aggressive bully, and not concerned about anyone but himself and fulfilling his needs.
I have made this commitment to myself that I will follow through and go alone to the appointment with the specialist this week. I decided to not tell him until I get more of an understanding myself so I feel more comfortable and more in control before I ask him to go himself. I have been trying to write out all the things I want to ask, things I don’t understand exactly. They sent me some things to read through email last week and it helped me come up with more questions too.
I was wondering if maybe people here could give me suggestions on what I should ask, things that maybe it took you a while to “get” or understand, or what basics I need to touch on. I don’t know that is why I'm asking. Please mention anything you think might help, the appointment is not until later in the week. Thanks to all in advance.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Why not just ask the questions that are in your heart? Think of them ahead of time, maybe write them down, and ask honestly and openly.
Ask of ways to help yourself with this. You can't change your husband but you can find ways to take good care of yourself as you go through this journey.
Meetings helped many of us. Why not try some as well as your counseling?
I hope you find peace with this, it's a very heart breaking thing to watch someone we love self-destruct.
Hugs
Ask of ways to help yourself with this. You can't change your husband but you can find ways to take good care of yourself as you go through this journey.
Meetings helped many of us. Why not try some as well as your counseling?
I hope you find peace with this, it's a very heart breaking thing to watch someone we love self-destruct.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Oh Dr Phil … not really high on my list.
A family disease absolutely no one is really all that ok, that is one sure thing, and denial runs rampant on both sides, well until…
But the getting strong, might be better to work on getting well. Neither drug addiction or codependency are weakness related, nor do they show a lack of intelligence, cunning and baffling that sure fits on both sides. And I find it a waste of time trying to get an addict to agree to treatment, but would love if family would automatically just dive right in, and get help for themselves. It really is the only must do, ever …
For me, his heroin use was such an easy distraction, because he surely was sick, cause really now I wasn’t the one shooting up heroin.
My advice be there for you, not to learn about him. Ask for help for yourself and resources for you as well. You can sure get an education on addiction in a general sense, on his drug of choice, but to pick anyone’s brain apart about his behavior is really not going to get you anywhere or help you to understand him. There is no making sense of insanity, it isn’t possible. Picking your own apart, now that is different, why you are as you are is a much more pertinent question.
It is a gift to work on yourself. It can and does have a huge positive effects in one’s life and in all the relationships one has in their lives. It in some sick way helps them as well, and it much better than enabling.
There are so many questions you can drive yourself insane within. But don’t forget to keep constantly asking yourself what am I doing for me today … where am I stuck today and why and I am stuck there … What fears are holding me back, what worry is harming me and where can I find my answers ( well that one is easy, the answer are within you, never him )
Go in with an open mind, go in eager to learn, but about you above everything else. Also go in knowing that addiction is big business and preying on the fears of the families of addicts does happen, as surely that is where the money is.
And the not telling him, you might want to work that out in a sense of why you can’t speak to him openly now … this is where I am going, why I am going … not any I would like you to go, that shouldn’t even be in the picture but surely a suggestion of a place he could find help if you find it beneficial. And then leave it up to him …
Good luck!
A family disease absolutely no one is really all that ok, that is one sure thing, and denial runs rampant on both sides, well until…
But the getting strong, might be better to work on getting well. Neither drug addiction or codependency are weakness related, nor do they show a lack of intelligence, cunning and baffling that sure fits on both sides. And I find it a waste of time trying to get an addict to agree to treatment, but would love if family would automatically just dive right in, and get help for themselves. It really is the only must do, ever …
For me, his heroin use was such an easy distraction, because he surely was sick, cause really now I wasn’t the one shooting up heroin.
My advice be there for you, not to learn about him. Ask for help for yourself and resources for you as well. You can sure get an education on addiction in a general sense, on his drug of choice, but to pick anyone’s brain apart about his behavior is really not going to get you anywhere or help you to understand him. There is no making sense of insanity, it isn’t possible. Picking your own apart, now that is different, why you are as you are is a much more pertinent question.
It is a gift to work on yourself. It can and does have a huge positive effects in one’s life and in all the relationships one has in their lives. It in some sick way helps them as well, and it much better than enabling.
There are so many questions you can drive yourself insane within. But don’t forget to keep constantly asking yourself what am I doing for me today … where am I stuck today and why and I am stuck there … What fears are holding me back, what worry is harming me and where can I find my answers ( well that one is easy, the answer are within you, never him )
Go in with an open mind, go in eager to learn, but about you above everything else. Also go in knowing that addiction is big business and preying on the fears of the families of addicts does happen, as surely that is where the money is.
And the not telling him, you might want to work that out in a sense of why you can’t speak to him openly now … this is where I am going, why I am going … not any I would like you to go, that shouldn’t even be in the picture but surely a suggestion of a place he could find help if you find it beneficial. And then leave it up to him …
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Makes me go back and think of what I asked my husbands doctor at the rehab the first time we talked. I think my mind was such a jumble there is no telling what kinds of questions I bombarded him with. But I would do just as Ann suggested, ask whatever is in your heart, whatever is on your mind. Maybe a good understanding of addiction, how it affects a person, why it is so difficult for people to stop, understand why your husband lies (if he has been), and things like this. Ask about his specific drug and how it works, what are signs of use (unless you are already familiar), what types of treatments work best for his specific drug, ask about support for you either for now, or later IF his use continues and you feel the stress. You can ask about what to look for in a therapist if this person should happen to work with your husband in the future you might want a separate person just for you, ask about support groups and any questions you have. And if you don't have insurance ask if they work on a sliding scale, or have payment plans so you know up front what kinds of expense your facing. I hope it goes well, and you find some of the answers that your looking for.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
What incitungsilence wrote was pure gold...
I too got blindsided with my AH's cocaine addiction...
I also went to an addiction specialist, read a ton of books etc..
But what really helped was focusing on me and making my life ok..
It also helped him more than the lectures, books, pamphlets etc
If I was ok..stable,strong etc then he couldnt use, blame, manipulate me..
Its weired.. He didnt get clean from the fancy rehab his mother sent him to, or the rehab I sent him to... he got clean for free, all by himself.. in AA after I, his mother, and everyone else stopped "helping" hin with money and advice...
One thing I learned.. at first I was trying to figure out how much how long, what he used and when. was he high at our engagement party? when we had this big fight? It really didnt matter in the end.. he lied about everything (said he was using for a year when it was really 8 years). I drove myself crazy obsessing over his feelings and his WORDS. I wish I just focused on his actions... I finally decided nobody was going to treat me that way.. that wasnt love. We still see each other but hes in recovery (I dont involve myself in that.. learned the hard way) As long as he's good and decent to me we can see each other...the minute he's not my door is closed. hugs to you.
I too got blindsided with my AH's cocaine addiction...
I also went to an addiction specialist, read a ton of books etc..
But what really helped was focusing on me and making my life ok..
It also helped him more than the lectures, books, pamphlets etc
If I was ok..stable,strong etc then he couldnt use, blame, manipulate me..
Its weired.. He didnt get clean from the fancy rehab his mother sent him to, or the rehab I sent him to... he got clean for free, all by himself.. in AA after I, his mother, and everyone else stopped "helping" hin with money and advice...
One thing I learned.. at first I was trying to figure out how much how long, what he used and when. was he high at our engagement party? when we had this big fight? It really didnt matter in the end.. he lied about everything (said he was using for a year when it was really 8 years). I drove myself crazy obsessing over his feelings and his WORDS. I wish I just focused on his actions... I finally decided nobody was going to treat me that way.. that wasnt love. We still see each other but hes in recovery (I dont involve myself in that.. learned the hard way) As long as he's good and decent to me we can see each other...the minute he's not my door is closed. hugs to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by incitingsilence 
My advice be there for you, not to learn about him.
This!
I would ask if he/she could recommend a therapist for you, one that is very knowledgeable with the dynamics of addictive relationships. I would also ask if they know of support groups in your area for families of addicts. You can never go wrong if you just continue to work on you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
I have never watched tv talk shows because I have always been out during the day, but since I am now only working part time, one day I was flipping channels and came across Dr Phil. It was a show about a man who abused his wife, and she basically abused him back. Would lay in front of the car so he couldnt leave even. I liked the approach by Dr Phil in handling both of them. He asked her why she accepted to be treated that way, and why she acted the way she did. it hit a nerve for me because I realized why was I letting my husband bully me these last couple months one night a week.. when he was on coke. A lightbulb went off ! Since then I feel like I have stepped out of that zone, and I don’t think I will be going back because I realize what was going on. But you know in the Dr Phil shows Ive watched he has never talked about codependency. In all the things Ive been reading it seems like it is biggest topic within the 12 step groups for family. I understand the principles of it, but I don’t think I am codependent only because of my behavior the last couple months facing this new issue with my husband. I dont have a history of it. For right now Im not really embracing the concept of my needing to become dedicated to my own recovery program. I am thinking about going to a meeting to hear others talk about their situations, and who knows maybe when that happens I will change my mind. I try to always keep an open mind, but I feel like right now I just need a good understanding of addiction. I don’t even know for sure if my husband is addicted. He has a problem, but I know the doctor wont be able to tell me the answer, I just hope to get some information. I feel a little torn about not telling my husband but I want some time to learn on my own, and absorb it all. He is still in shock I think from the news about how he is going to be a dad in a few months. I understand because I had a couple weeks to process it before telling him. I have a nice big long list of questions now for my appointment. Its tomorrow !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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It isn't necessary to have a history of codependent behavior. Relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts evoke codependent behavior and thinking, in my opinion, without exception.
We have a sticky which covers many of the characteristics of codependency. Some of those are:
--Think and feel responsible for other people's feelings, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
--Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
--Feel compelled--almost forced--to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving rapid-fire suggestions, or fixing feelings.
--Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and sad.
The selfishness of the addict, the self-absorption of the addict, the self-importance of the addict, the self-serving behaviors of the addict....get bigger as the addiction progresses. The bigger those behaviors get, the bigger the addict's ego gets. The bigger the addict's ego gets, the smaller the spouse becomes. Her self-confidence shrinks, her self-protection shrinks, her self-love shrinks. He puffs up like a balloon when he's using and king of the world. And she deflates to nothing.
It is good to get educated about addiction because without understanding the power and control addicts have over their loved ones, we will be lost. Eaten up. We will be unable to protect ourselves or our children or even our pets. We will abandon ourselves and those who need us most in our frantic and compulsive need to rescue the addict from himself.
The more drug-dependent the addict becomes, the more co-dependent we become. It's a pattern in all families of addiction. The spouse of the addict, the children of the addict, the parents of the addict...all become obsessed with figuring out a way to make the addict stop using drugs and stop hurting them.
I hope your meeting with the doctor tomorrow is successful. I hope he understands how vulnerable you are right now, and how much support you are going to need right away, if your husband is a cocaine addict.
You need a loving home and consistent and loving persons in your most intimate life as you grow your child and birth your child and raise your child.
I hope this doctor can help you find the right path toward that.
We have a sticky which covers many of the characteristics of codependency. Some of those are:
--Think and feel responsible for other people's feelings, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
--Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
--Feel compelled--almost forced--to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving rapid-fire suggestions, or fixing feelings.
--Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and sad.
The selfishness of the addict, the self-absorption of the addict, the self-importance of the addict, the self-serving behaviors of the addict....get bigger as the addiction progresses. The bigger those behaviors get, the bigger the addict's ego gets. The bigger the addict's ego gets, the smaller the spouse becomes. Her self-confidence shrinks, her self-protection shrinks, her self-love shrinks. He puffs up like a balloon when he's using and king of the world. And she deflates to nothing.
It is good to get educated about addiction because without understanding the power and control addicts have over their loved ones, we will be lost. Eaten up. We will be unable to protect ourselves or our children or even our pets. We will abandon ourselves and those who need us most in our frantic and compulsive need to rescue the addict from himself.
The more drug-dependent the addict becomes, the more co-dependent we become. It's a pattern in all families of addiction. The spouse of the addict, the children of the addict, the parents of the addict...all become obsessed with figuring out a way to make the addict stop using drugs and stop hurting them.
I hope your meeting with the doctor tomorrow is successful. I hope he understands how vulnerable you are right now, and how much support you are going to need right away, if your husband is a cocaine addict.
You need a loving home and consistent and loving persons in your most intimate life as you grow your child and birth your child and raise your child.
I hope this doctor can help you find the right path toward that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
I also feel you are not a codependent. Just the fact that this has been going on for such a short time and already you are on SR trying to learn about your husbands addiction. You are not allowing him to treat you in an abusive way, you are not in denial, you are not making excuses for your husbands behavior. You are setting boundaries and I get the feeling that you are not going to inable your husband's addiction. These things you are doing right. Under no circumstances allow your husband to continue his using! Don't be afraid to get tough and tell your husband to make a choice. Does he want to keep you -a wonderful, intelligent, committed, beautiful wife and his precious child on the way or cocaine? It's that simple! After three years of suffering through my painkiller addiction my handsome, intelligent, and committed husband of 25 years, threw his hands up in the air and gave me the final ultimatum. His exact words were - you attend a program and get help for yourself or I'm leaving and with my kids. Perhaps it's the way he said it or the look he gave me, but I knew he was serious. I went for treatment the next day and have 4 months clean time. Honestly, that was the best thing my husband has ever said or done for me, because as long as I was able to use, I would have continued down that path of distruction. It took the wake up call of almost losing my family to begin my recovery.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cleaninLI
I also feel you are not a codependent. Just the fact that this has been going on for such a short time and already you are on SR trying to learn about your husbands addiction. You are not allowing him to treat you in an abusive way, you are not in denial, you are not making excuses for your husbands behavior. You are setting boundaries and I get the feeling that you are not going to inable your husband's addiction. These things you are doing right. Under no circumstances allow your husband to continue his using! Don't be afraid to get tough and tell your husband to make a choice. Does he want to keep you -a wonderful, intelligent, committed, beautiful wife and his precious child on the way or cocaine? It's that simple! After three years of suffering through my painkiller addiction my handsome, intelligent, and committed husband of 25 years, threw his hands up in the air and gave me the final ultimatum. His exact words were - you attend a program and get help for yourself or I'm leaving and with my kids. Perhaps it's the way he said it or the look he gave me, but I knew he was serious. I went for treatment the next day and have 4 months clean time. Honestly, that was the best thing my husband has ever said or done for me, because as long as I was able to use, I would have continued down that path of distruction. It took the wake up call of almost losing my family to begin my recovery.
Many of us here have "lost" our loved ones to addiction and it has nothing to do with their love for us.
Lastly, I question your understanding of codependency.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Lovemenow,
First of all let me apologize for my post and am truly sorry if I have offended you.
I must admit I wrote this quickly and did not go into great detail of my addiction to painkillers and/or my husbands previously inabling behavior. This post is not at all about loving our addicts or their love for us. It's about the op setting boundaries, taking a stand, and not being afraid to say "hey its coke or me!" And mean it. Why do addicts use? Because they can. I know from my own experience with addiction that as long as I was able to buy my pills, I would take my pills. You don't think my husband tried everything to get me to stop? Of course he did! But when he finally said (1st time he threatened me with divorce)"Get help for yourself or I'm leaving and taking my kids with me!" I knew he was serious and had enough. I was forced into recovery or lose my family. That is what prompted me into recovery.Its my story, take it or leave it.
First of all let me apologize for my post and am truly sorry if I have offended you.
I must admit I wrote this quickly and did not go into great detail of my addiction to painkillers and/or my husbands previously inabling behavior. This post is not at all about loving our addicts or their love for us. It's about the op setting boundaries, taking a stand, and not being afraid to say "hey its coke or me!" And mean it. Why do addicts use? Because they can. I know from my own experience with addiction that as long as I was able to buy my pills, I would take my pills. You don't think my husband tried everything to get me to stop? Of course he did! But when he finally said (1st time he threatened me with divorce)"Get help for yourself or I'm leaving and taking my kids with me!" I knew he was serious and had enough. I was forced into recovery or lose my family. That is what prompted me into recovery.Its my story, take it or leave it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by cleaninLI
I also feel you are not a codependent. Just the fact that this has been going on for such a short time and already you are on SR trying to learn about your husbands addiction. You are not allowing him to treat you in an abusive way, you are not in denial, you are not making excuses for your husbands behavior. You are setting boundaries and I get the feeling that you are not going to inable your husband's addiction. These things you are doing right. Under no circumstances allow your husband to continue his using! Don't be afraid to get tough and tell your husband to make a choice. Does he want to keep you -a wonderful, intelligent, committed, beautiful wife and his precious child on the way or cocaine? It's that simple! After three years of suffering through my painkiller addiction my handsome, intelligent, and committed husband of 25 years, threw his hands up in the air and gave me the final ultimatum. His exact words were - you attend a program and get help for yourself or I'm leaving and with my kids. Perhaps it's the way he said it or the look he gave me, but I knew he was serious. I went for treatment the next day and have 4 months clean time. Honestly, that was the best thing my husband has ever said or done for me, because as long as I was able to use, I would have continued down that path of distruction. It took the wake up call of almost losing my family to begin my recovery.
Theres just no precise map that leads to recovery in my opinion. As a family member, we can only do what we can do, what we feel comfortable doing, and that differs for everyone I think.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
I wanted to thank everyone for the replies to me. I didnt notice it being derailed. I appreciate the confidence you have in my CleaninL1, and Im doing my best to figure all this out.
My appointment with the addiction specialist was very helpful. He spent a lot of time and answered all of my questions. Of course some of it made sense while I was there and then I come home and have to process it. He said he often talks to family members and offers guidance when they are concerned about someone else in their family using drugs. I didn’t feel like he was trying to sell me anything, or waste my time. He seemed genuinely concerned about me. I was afraid he would think it was bad that I didn’t talk to my husband about going to see him, but he said that he understood and I needed to take my time and feel confident in whatever I decided to do related to my husband. I had to be certain in my actions or my husband would sense the weakness, and wiggle his way around my request. He gave me a bunch more stuff to read too.
My husband is acting sort of strange; I don’t know if he is using or not, but he seems to be under stress and is a little distant right now. Im trying to give him space and tomorrow is Friday again and this time we will be home for the weekend. We haven’t talked about if he will go out after work, when he will be home, will he be using. I have been uncomfortable thinking about it today, but because he seems a little distant I don’t know if I should talk to him about it, or wait and see what he does. I cant be his babysitter and beg him not to hang out with his friends and do drugs. This much I do know. I am responsible for what I do if he gets out of control again this weekend.
My appointment with the addiction specialist was very helpful. He spent a lot of time and answered all of my questions. Of course some of it made sense while I was there and then I come home and have to process it. He said he often talks to family members and offers guidance when they are concerned about someone else in their family using drugs. I didn’t feel like he was trying to sell me anything, or waste my time. He seemed genuinely concerned about me. I was afraid he would think it was bad that I didn’t talk to my husband about going to see him, but he said that he understood and I needed to take my time and feel confident in whatever I decided to do related to my husband. I had to be certain in my actions or my husband would sense the weakness, and wiggle his way around my request. He gave me a bunch more stuff to read too.
My husband is acting sort of strange; I don’t know if he is using or not, but he seems to be under stress and is a little distant right now. Im trying to give him space and tomorrow is Friday again and this time we will be home for the weekend. We haven’t talked about if he will go out after work, when he will be home, will he be using. I have been uncomfortable thinking about it today, but because he seems a little distant I don’t know if I should talk to him about it, or wait and see what he does. I cant be his babysitter and beg him not to hang out with his friends and do drugs. This much I do know. I am responsible for what I do if he gets out of control again this weekend.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Onenight,
Your welcome. I'm glad the appointment with the dr. went well and you learned a little more about your husbands addiction. We are here for you. Just remember, you and your husband can discuss his crack habit until your blue in the face. It will not make him change his ways. The only way to bring about change in your husband is to make it impossible for him to continue. Severe repercussions will bring him to his bottom quicker than anything else. I know it's hard to do to a loved one. Examples of severe consequences: losing his family (you, his baby), losing his job or fear of losing his job, trouble with the law, trouble with his parents or disappointment of his parents (if he respects and cares what his parents think about him), losing his liscence etc.
I know it must be horrible for you to have to go through this, especcially with a baby on the way. Take care.
Your welcome. I'm glad the appointment with the dr. went well and you learned a little more about your husbands addiction. We are here for you. Just remember, you and your husband can discuss his crack habit until your blue in the face. It will not make him change his ways. The only way to bring about change in your husband is to make it impossible for him to continue. Severe repercussions will bring him to his bottom quicker than anything else. I know it's hard to do to a loved one. Examples of severe consequences: losing his family (you, his baby), losing his job or fear of losing his job, trouble with the law, trouble with his parents or disappointment of his parents (if he respects and cares what his parents think about him), losing his liscence etc.
I know it must be horrible for you to have to go through this, especcially with a baby on the way. Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by cleaninLI
Onenight,
Your welcome. I'm glad the appointment with the dr. went well and you learned a little more about your husbands addiction. We are here for you. Just remember, you and your husband can discuss his crack habit until your blue in the face. It will not make him change his ways. The only way to bring about change in your husband is to make it impossible for him to continue. Severe repercussions will bring him to his bottom quicker than anything else. I know it's hard to do to a loved one. Examples of severe consequences: losing his family (you, his baby), losing his job or fear of losing his job, trouble with the law, trouble with his parents or disappointment of his parents (if he respects and cares what his parents think about him), losing his liscence etc.
I know it must be horrible for you to have to go through this, especcially with a baby on the way. Take care.
Your welcome. I'm glad the appointment with the dr. went well and you learned a little more about your husbands addiction. We are here for you. Just remember, you and your husband can discuss his crack habit until your blue in the face. It will not make him change his ways. The only way to bring about change in your husband is to make it impossible for him to continue. Severe repercussions will bring him to his bottom quicker than anything else. I know it's hard to do to a loved one. Examples of severe consequences: losing his family (you, his baby), losing his job or fear of losing his job, trouble with the law, trouble with his parents or disappointment of his parents (if he respects and cares what his parents think about him), losing his liscence etc.
I know it must be horrible for you to have to go through this, especcially with a baby on the way. Take care.
The good news is my husband came home and so far he seems ok. I could not see any signs of his having used the coke. He uses the kind you snort up your nose. I can usually see it in his behavior and in his eyes for sure. But he did tell me that he told the guys at work about the baby and said he is going to use this to clean up his act and make them understand he doesnt want to party. One of his friends at work is single, and the other is divorced and he has two kids. Im only worried he will stop temporarily and pick it back up big time, or he will try to hide it and reduce the amount. But I will only focus on this weekend for now. Saturday was his bad day in the past. Like it built up in him and came out by making him cocky and self centered.
Last edited by OneNightAWeek; 07-13-2013 at 03:08 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Onenight,
I commend you for concentrating on yourself. Not easy to do in this situation. Often we seem to get sucked into the madness focussing intirely on our addict loved one. You seem to be extremely level headed. Your decision to go back to work full time is a good one. You need to be financially secure "just in case". Of course completing your masters is also a priority. It's so much easier to study before baby arrives.
I am glad that your husband has decided to take a break from cocaine. Honestly, there is a fine line between using recreationally and addiction. The fact that your husband has been able the quit so easily suggests he probably hasn't crossed that line.
It's great to be prepared but try to stay positive as well.
I commend you for concentrating on yourself. Not easy to do in this situation. Often we seem to get sucked into the madness focussing intirely on our addict loved one. You seem to be extremely level headed. Your decision to go back to work full time is a good one. You need to be financially secure "just in case". Of course completing your masters is also a priority. It's so much easier to study before baby arrives.
I am glad that your husband has decided to take a break from cocaine. Honestly, there is a fine line between using recreationally and addiction. The fact that your husband has been able the quit so easily suggests he probably hasn't crossed that line.
It's great to be prepared but try to stay positive as well.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
I dont feel level headed, but I am trying. I feel like there is too much that I have to think about now and plan for. Im worried about him and I am afraid since I confronted him he may be cutting back to where he can hide it from me. Im afraid Im taking on to much going back to school, working full time and being pregnant. Some are telling me to forget school and they dont even know Im thinking about going back to work full time. The advice is coming from everyone and they dont even know about my husbands drug use.
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