Shiek

Last time I posted here I was feeling crummy but now I am just embarrassed with myself, I don't even really want to write this but I need to get it off my chest so I can let go and stop beating myself up over it, I left my crack addicted xbf lord knows how many times, but recently I moved out of my parents home and he said he was getting sober and wanted to come stay with me, I agreed because love blinded me and I am the kind of person who's always behaving like an emotional doormat even if I am not fully aware of it at the time, Anyways, he seemed good for a while but then things didn't add up, money was going missing and he wasn't going to work, even though he said he was, he most definitely was not, so I said I had had enough (hoohahhaha like all the other thousand times) after I found him passed out in the bedroom one afternoon at about 3, he had a visit with his daughter that day and he is in a volatile custody battle with his mentally-ill ex over her for the whole childs 4 year existance up to this day, he sees her 2x a week for 7 hours a day, he was supposed to be visiting with her that day from 10 - 5 and had left in the morning after a nice evening and morning to go see her, I had called him about 1130 that morning because I needed to talk to him about something and I got a phone call back from his mother saying he left his phone at her house and never showed up for the visit...he later admitted he spent 800 - 1500 on crack in the last three days, I called the police on him and they told him to leave, he did not, he says I owe him money, for what I ask? Blames me again for all his short comings in life and everything that goes wrong when I have been the supportive person in his life. I feel like regardless of how much I think I am in control of this horrible situation it just keeps spinning out again and again because I can't seem to stand up for myself and always want to save everyone, I told him today after he called me every name in the book that if he came back to my house I would file a restraining order and that I don't want to cause him any trouble so he should just leave quietly, I have not heard from him since. Has anyone else felt like they relapsed on a relationship with a chronic relapser? If you get what I am saying....Thanks for reading, I feel so vapid today, my parents think I am stupid for allowing this to keep happening (I agree), my friends are mad I keep allowing this to happen, and I am mad at myself, I am aware of my codependency and I am doing my very best to work on it and be healthy for my own good, it just feels like all I want to do is cling to the hope that the person I fell in love with is still in there, but I read about the relapse rate of crack addiction and it's 94 - 99%, he is just lost in the drug now, nothing I can do I guess...thanks for reading

MiSoberbio

I once thought that love was the base motivator for my actions when it came to my ex-partner (who is addicted to substances), but I eventually admitted to myself that I was doing so much to help him because I couldn't let go, and I couldn't let go because I was filled with fear of the unknown. This fear caused me to try to control the uncontrollable, change things that I could not change, believe in fantasies and deny the glaring truth.

I kept asking myself, "How can this be my life? How can this really be happening?" and I didn't understand that that was my gut warning me. I still assumed that everything inside of me was OK – that MY mental/emotional/spiritual state was in good shape, and that my discomfort stemmed from a problem in the world around me. I always looked outside myself to find the source of my pain in order to blame it, and punish it. Only when I began to really look inside myself did I begin my recovery – only then did I begin to understand how immature I was.

An emotionally mature person sees reality and doesn't run from it, or try to change it. An emotionally mature person understands that feelings of discomfort are not to be ignored. An emotionally mature person can let go.

Kindeyes

Codependence is addiction in my opinion. We are no different from an addict. An addict behaves irrationally, does things over and over again in spite of negative consequences, lives in utter chaos, they don't take care of themselves and hope (expect) someone else will......we do the exact same things the addict does and yet we blame them for it (just like they blame us). We become defensive, we manipulate, and we deny. And we'll keep doing the same things over and over and over and over again until we're done.......just like an addict. We won't stop until we're good and ready......and not one minute sooner. And nothing......nothing anyone else can say will change it.

You can choose to change you and your circumstances anytime you're ready. It is possible to be loving and compassionate without being a doormat. It took me a very long time to figure that out......I hope you're a faster learner than I was.

gentle hugs
ke

Mountainmanbob

ViG516

Kindeyes- Your post is so true!!!!! Never thought about it that way but you are totally right!!!

It took me years as well to figure this out and I finally had the strength to walk away. It was one of the most hardest decisions of my life, but I walked away and I feel so much better! Looking back at my behavior I was like an addict by covering things up and lying. I was up all night with worry and fear of what might happen. I was afraid he would stop breathing or what if someone showed up at the house etc. I would try to "look for things" and sneak in his phone to see if I could find anything. The I was constantly giving, giving, giving. It gets pretty old when you never get anything back!

I have been working on me and it feels pretty good!