Hope and doubts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Hope and doubts
I haven't been in here in a while. The last few months have been crazy. My husband finally decided to go to rehab for the second time. He says he really wants it this time and I am so happy he went but why do I doubt he will be ok after he's out and why am I so depressed? I won't let him move back in with me and the kids until he is clean for a certain time but what is a good time? I have so many different thoughts and emotions running through my head. I don't know what to feel or how I should be handling this. And even if he is clean will this always be in the back of my
Head that he can relapse at any time? Please help! Need advice and support. I don't get much from anyone as no one understands the impact my husbands addiction has had on our lives
Head that he can relapse at any time? Please help! Need advice and support. I don't get much from anyone as no one understands the impact my husbands addiction has had on our lives
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
why am I so depressed?
turnout this time? Just a guess on my part.
But, in the way of help or advice.
Have you been working on your own recovery?
Read any Melody Beatties books? Especially "Codependent No More"?
I see you have a few more posts, maybe I should read more of what you have written
up to this point?
Do you have any support in the way of family and friends?
AlAnon meetings or groups?
this could be crucial to you and your family when he finishes rehab this time.
You must work your recovery as hard as you wish he would work his.
There is nothing you can do to control him, only control yourself and your environment.
As far as time away from the house, I would say a bare minimum of six months of
sober living.
Is there a family day or weekend or week at the facility he is at?
there could be meetings or therapy there where you and he talk with counselors
to work out all these details.
But the first thing is, bring yourself back to today.
That is all you have right now.
Start your recovery, so you are ready and have your own support if he does relapse.
You are not alone.
There is NarAnon and AlAnon.
Get strong for yourself so you can be strong and set strong boundaries for you and your children.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Please help! Need advice and support. I don't get much from anyone as no one understands the impact my husbands addiction has had on our lives
You have received a lot of experience strength and hope.
RDBplus3 wrote his entire story out for you, but you do not read it or you do not understand.
Your husband is an addict.
He is very likely to relapse.
I remember now, he stole your keys, money and car to go get drugs.
He is shooting heroin?
When will you start your own recovery?
Have you read any of the stickies posted in this forum for friends and family members?
Read any of the recommended books?
Your children are growing more every day, and they see a frantic woman,
trying to control an out of control man.
Your children are learning from you what a marriage means.
Is this what you want them to learn?
You ask for happy endings when your husband has not even hobbled together
a few weeks clean from the looks of it.
From January to June.
Chaos and drama.
No one knows what to do.
The addict is running the show.
Until you stop and take charge of your own life the chaos will continue.
He should not come home until he is sober for at least six months,
and a year would be better.
Please, for your children's sake get into a recovery program for yourself.
Only you can change your life and that of your children .
An addict does what an addict does.
He has been getting away with it up to now.
Who is it that does not understand the impact of your husband's addiction?
Your in laws? Your parents?
What difference does it make who understands the impact of your husbands addiction
if you are not doing anything different?
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Have you talked to your parents?
His mother doesn't want to believe it, but I think you said she does now.
What are you waiting for?
YOU have to save YOURSELF so YOU can save YOUR CHILDREN!
Your children will feel the impact of addiction soon if you do nothing.
Call an addiction counselor.
Call a pastoral counselor.
Call AlAnon or NarAnon. NarAnon is not as available, but AlAnon works by the same principles.
There are meetings online, on the phone, and in chats.
There are email meetings and ***** groups.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Take your eyes off the addict and the future, both things are completely and totally out of your control.
You can control yourself and your boundaries.
Please protect your children and yourself from any more addiction.
Do you understand the impact your addiction is having on your children?
I hope someone posts something that reaches you dtrim.
It seems as if so far, you only look for happy endings.
They do no happen much with addiction.
Much easier to get real and get to work on your recovery.
for your children.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I think the isolation of raising two babies alone plus the psychological and emotional abuse from a drug addict husband has beaten you down, dtrim, and you are just barely hanging on.
Have you not been to Al-Anon? Do you have medical insurance, for a referral to a counselor from your family doctor would likely cover some much-needed counseling. Women who are overwhelmed with the care of very young children and are isolated are easily manipulated and mind-controlled by an addict. People have no idea, who have not experienced it, how powerful an addict is in controlling the spouse. She is destroyed bit by bit, day by day.
Wicked has told you the truth. The odds that he will get clean, stay clean, be a good partner and a responsible parent are extremely low. Anyone who tells you otherwise is, in my opinion, giving you false hope which can impede your need to face reality and make firm, sober decisions about your marriage and your children.
There are the very rare "success" stories, yes. A minority of addicts manage to stay clean with costly medical assistance like naltrexone implants. Medical doctors who become addicts and who are eventually allowed to practice again can do so only if they stay on naltrexone and are regularly and vigorously tested to certify they are on it. The system won't trust them to medicate themselves with it, without supervision. Because people who know what addiction is know the odds of any drug addict staying clean.
And "success" is a nebulous term here. Some whose drug-addicted spouses have managed to put together a year or two clean so far might say they are living a success story. Yet, those who have decades long experience in addiction and recovery know that that is but a breath of time.
Your AH could be in the rehab revolving door for years. Some addicts, I have read, use rehab as a respite and then when they are back out, they love the intensity of the rush all the more because of the break from using. Some addicts use rehab as a way to avoid consequences waiting for them in the real world. Some use rehab to get people off their backs. But they are, at their core, nowhere near ready to say a final goodbye to the drug they are in love with.
So what does a spouse do? In my opinion, she takes definite steps TODAY to ensure a safe home for herself and her children. And I believe that means physical separation from the drug addict for a minimum one year (that is the very minimum.....I think three years is best, due to the high odds for relapse in the first three years of sobriety). She sees a lawyer and gets legal protections for finances and child custody. She gets counseling for herself so her craziness as a result of living with an addict does not spill onto her children.
She does not, should not, search out the rare "success" stories and think "maybe that will be us" and continue to wait and wait and wait for the addict to make things all better.
Do you have a recovery plan, dtrim? It's time. You need a safe life. You can take serious action steps toward it today.
Have you not been to Al-Anon? Do you have medical insurance, for a referral to a counselor from your family doctor would likely cover some much-needed counseling. Women who are overwhelmed with the care of very young children and are isolated are easily manipulated and mind-controlled by an addict. People have no idea, who have not experienced it, how powerful an addict is in controlling the spouse. She is destroyed bit by bit, day by day.
Wicked has told you the truth. The odds that he will get clean, stay clean, be a good partner and a responsible parent are extremely low. Anyone who tells you otherwise is, in my opinion, giving you false hope which can impede your need to face reality and make firm, sober decisions about your marriage and your children.
There are the very rare "success" stories, yes. A minority of addicts manage to stay clean with costly medical assistance like naltrexone implants. Medical doctors who become addicts and who are eventually allowed to practice again can do so only if they stay on naltrexone and are regularly and vigorously tested to certify they are on it. The system won't trust them to medicate themselves with it, without supervision. Because people who know what addiction is know the odds of any drug addict staying clean.
And "success" is a nebulous term here. Some whose drug-addicted spouses have managed to put together a year or two clean so far might say they are living a success story. Yet, those who have decades long experience in addiction and recovery know that that is but a breath of time.
Your AH could be in the rehab revolving door for years. Some addicts, I have read, use rehab as a respite and then when they are back out, they love the intensity of the rush all the more because of the break from using. Some addicts use rehab as a way to avoid consequences waiting for them in the real world. Some use rehab to get people off their backs. But they are, at their core, nowhere near ready to say a final goodbye to the drug they are in love with.
So what does a spouse do? In my opinion, she takes definite steps TODAY to ensure a safe home for herself and her children. And I believe that means physical separation from the drug addict for a minimum one year (that is the very minimum.....I think three years is best, due to the high odds for relapse in the first three years of sobriety). She sees a lawyer and gets legal protections for finances and child custody. She gets counseling for herself so her craziness as a result of living with an addict does not spill onto her children.
She does not, should not, search out the rare "success" stories and think "maybe that will be us" and continue to wait and wait and wait for the addict to make things all better.
Do you have a recovery plan, dtrim? It's time. You need a safe life. You can take serious action steps toward it today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Women who are overwhelmed with the care of very young children and are isolated are easily manipulated and mind-controlled by an addict. People have no idea, who have not experienced it, how powerful an addict is in controlling the spouse. She is destroyed bit by bit, day by day.
I am so sorry for that. You are parenting alone and worrying about your husband.
I remember how small my world became when I was married to an addict.
Please get some support just for you and only you.
You need it now and will need it in the future.
Sincerely hopeful for YOU,
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I was married to a man with severe alcoholism many years ago. When I finally realized he was, indeed, an alcoholic, I turned to an acquaintance who I knew had been sober in AA for 25 years. And he said to me, "The odds are not good he will get sober." I didn't want to listen to him and it took a few more devastating crises to make me walk away from someone who would not or could not stop drinking. My little boy should have come first. But for too long I allowed the alcoholic to come first: "What if he dies?" "But he hates himself and he needs me." "It's not his fault." "He's a good person underneath all that abusive language and those threats." All the while, a little boy lived with chronic anxiety and no one to trust. His mother was batsh** crazy.
The phrase "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is not sufficient in the case of a parent with young children in a marriage to a drug addict. Because hoping for the best so often means the parent will not take the necessary ACTION to create a safe home and emotional health for herself and her children. And "preparing for the worst" often translates to nothing more than waiting for the addict's next crisis, in dread and in denial.
The phrase "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is not sufficient in the case of a parent with young children in a marriage to a drug addict. Because hoping for the best so often means the parent will not take the necessary ACTION to create a safe home and emotional health for herself and her children. And "preparing for the worst" often translates to nothing more than waiting for the addict's next crisis, in dread and in denial.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
I cant advise you on what to do, but your getting so much negativity towards your husbands recovery. I dont understand it. You know there is a section here, called Stories of Recovery. It is filled with people who have recovered. Ive been doing a lot of reading these last few weeks and I have found a lot of positive not just negative stories of people who recover. I dont know if I can add in links here, but this site I found is helpful and I did a lot of reading here.
Faces and Voices of Recovery - Recovery Resources - Recovery Stories
I dont think that you have to feel like your husband wont recover. I mean no its not good to base the future all on hope, but you dont have to lose hope either and live scared.
Faces and Voices of Recovery - Recovery Resources - Recovery Stories
I dont think that you have to feel like your husband wont recover. I mean no its not good to base the future all on hope, but you dont have to lose hope either and live scared.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm sorry that you are feeling so much anxiety regarding your husband's recovery. The experience of living with active addiction is.......exhausting and there is such a loss of trust.
I understand the anxiety and anguish as I was married to an addict (divorced 30 years ago--he is still addicted) and also have an adult son who is a recovering addict.
I can't tell you what to do but I will share what has helped me overcome my fear, anxiety and anguish.
For me, I reached a low point with my son's addiction that I cannot describe. My fear for his welfare was overwhelming. My anxiety about where he was and what he was doing was beyond what I felt was tolerable. I had been attending Al-Anon meetings sporadically but when I reached that lowest of lows......I began going to Nar-Anon with a renewed dedication. I worked the steps that I hoped and prayed my son would work. I worked the program I wished he would.
I began to change. I began to face my fears and come to terms with them. And I began to feel periods of serenity....short at first....then longer stretches. I found what he could not yet. Peace in my heart and mind and trust in a power greater than myself. I began to take care of me first. And allow my son, who is a grown man, to take responsibility for his own actions and feel the full brunt of the consequences of his addiction. I had to change MY behavior in order to allow those things to happen......because I was an enabler....a codependent. My son and I had both been involved in the dance of addiction.....I stepped off the dance floor.
Does this mean I abandoned him? No. It simply means I didn't rescue him when he called in distress. I didn't bail him out. I didn't get his car out of impound. I detached with love and became very calm. I no longer let his addiction frighten me. I turned him over to God and was prepared to accept (without projecting) whatever might happen. I began living in today rather than inventing the sorrows of tomorrows over and over and over again in my head.
My son voluntarily went into the Salvation Army Adult Rehab Center in a large nearby city. It was a six month program. Only 20 percent stay through the entire six months and he was one of them who successfully completed it. It's a tough program and very humbling. He watched a lot of men come and go through those doors in those six months.....hundreds. He stuck it out and came out a very different man.
When people say "Recovery looks like recovery and addiction looks like addiction". I now know what that means. I've seen addiction. I'm witnessing recovery......and I don't worry.....because I'll know addiction if it shows up at my door again and I'll know what to do. All because I worked the program I wished he would.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I understand the anxiety and anguish as I was married to an addict (divorced 30 years ago--he is still addicted) and also have an adult son who is a recovering addict.
I can't tell you what to do but I will share what has helped me overcome my fear, anxiety and anguish.
For me, I reached a low point with my son's addiction that I cannot describe. My fear for his welfare was overwhelming. My anxiety about where he was and what he was doing was beyond what I felt was tolerable. I had been attending Al-Anon meetings sporadically but when I reached that lowest of lows......I began going to Nar-Anon with a renewed dedication. I worked the steps that I hoped and prayed my son would work. I worked the program I wished he would.
I began to change. I began to face my fears and come to terms with them. And I began to feel periods of serenity....short at first....then longer stretches. I found what he could not yet. Peace in my heart and mind and trust in a power greater than myself. I began to take care of me first. And allow my son, who is a grown man, to take responsibility for his own actions and feel the full brunt of the consequences of his addiction. I had to change MY behavior in order to allow those things to happen......because I was an enabler....a codependent. My son and I had both been involved in the dance of addiction.....I stepped off the dance floor.
Does this mean I abandoned him? No. It simply means I didn't rescue him when he called in distress. I didn't bail him out. I didn't get his car out of impound. I detached with love and became very calm. I no longer let his addiction frighten me. I turned him over to God and was prepared to accept (without projecting) whatever might happen. I began living in today rather than inventing the sorrows of tomorrows over and over and over again in my head.
My son voluntarily went into the Salvation Army Adult Rehab Center in a large nearby city. It was a six month program. Only 20 percent stay through the entire six months and he was one of them who successfully completed it. It's a tough program and very humbling. He watched a lot of men come and go through those doors in those six months.....hundreds. He stuck it out and came out a very different man.
When people say "Recovery looks like recovery and addiction looks like addiction". I now know what that means. I've seen addiction. I'm witnessing recovery......and I don't worry.....because I'll know addiction if it shows up at my door again and I'll know what to do. All because I worked the program I wished he would.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by dtrim 
I haven't been in here in a while. The last few months have been crazy. My husband finally decided to go to rehab for the second time. He says he really wants it this time and I am so happy he went but why do I doubt he will be ok after he's out and why am I so depressed? I won't let him move back in with me and the kids until he is clean for a certain time but what is a good time? I have so many different thoughts and emotions running through my head. I don't know what to feel or how I should be handling this. And even if he is clean will this always be in the back of my
Head that he can relapse at any time? Please help! Need advice and support. I don't get much from anyone as no one understands the impact my husbands addiction has had on our lives
Head that he can relapse at any time? Please help! Need advice and support. I don't get much from anyone as no one understands the impact my husbands addiction has had on our lives
I went back and read through your older posts. You have been through a lot, and had a lot of emotional trauma so to speak; lots of instability with your husband’s behavior, the responsibility of taking care of your children alone. I think just the cumulative effect could bring on some depression. Now he is away in rehab, and things are probably calmer. But sometimes we get so used to the chaos and confusion, when it stops we feel lost. Everything seems sort of flat.
My husband was the addicted one in my life. He is now 14+ months clean and doing well. His main drug was opiate pain meds, but he used some others including cocaine. He ended up going to a 90 day inpatient rehab based on therapy (didn’t use AA/NA). When my husband was in rehab, I also used counseling to help me put all the pieces together. If you have this option, then I would definitely consider it. Your family doctor, or your local hospital should be able to offer you referrals. Many therapists also work on a sliding scale for payment. Talk therapy can be good for helping with depression, and if you work with someone who is knowledgeable with addiction issues this could be very helpful also. It helped me to learn about addiction and how drug use actually affects the body/brain. My therapist helped me learn about enabling, setting healthy boundaries, dealing with past issues, and looking towards the future. Sometimes it was just a safe place where I could share my feelings.
In terms of when your husband should be allowed to come home; I think this is going to need to be based on your specific situation. Things like how well your husband is doing in his rehab program, input from the doctors at the rehab center, plans for follow up care, the issues that remain between you, how you are both feeling emotionally, what kinds of boundaries you need to put in place to keep the kids safe and stable.
My husband came home directly after his rehab. Our son was about 8 months old at this time. Before he came home, we also went through marriage counseling sessions through his rehab. Together with the therapist, we worked out a relapse plan, set rules and boundaries around the care of our son. His aftercare plan was put in place and I knew what to expect. In my husbands case this meant continuing to see a therapist on a regular basis, various changes to make his life healthier like removing old drug using friends, etc. I mention this because having relapse plans and understanding his aftercare plan made me feel more secure. There is a lot you can do to put safety measures into the recovery experience so please keep this in mind.
Recovery from addiction is difficult, but it is obtainable.
When I was working with my therapist, she recommended many books for me. One of them I will recommend to you: Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, Threatening by Robert Meyers. It is designed to help family members learn to take care of themselves, set boundaries, focus on self care, and then it focuses on teaching you methods of non confrontational communication with your loved one that have been found effective in encouraging people to obtain treatment, stick with treatment and follow up care. It is based on CRAFT (community reinforcement and family training) and is also recommended by the National Institute of Drug Abuse. You can google it, read reviews on Amazon.
One good thing to remember is that you don’t have to have all the answers today. You are in control of your future, and decisions can be made slowly on your own timetable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Thank you all for your input. It's hard for me to go to any meetings or counseling due to childcare issues but I am going to see him tomorrow and will feel him out and get a better understanding from talking with the counselors. My husband wasn't always an addict and that's what I keep looking forward to ... One day having him back and building a stronger marriage. I have done research and will never put his addiction before my children. They keep me going everyday and I am so great full to have them. Thank you all for the support
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It truly is one day at a time dtrim.
I hope you have an informative and helpful visit tomorrow.
Keeping your children ahead of the addiction shows what a great mom you are.
You sound stronger and more determined today.
Excellent.
Beth
I hope you have an informative and helpful visit tomorrow.
Keeping your children ahead of the addiction shows what a great mom you are.
You sound stronger and more determined today.
Excellent.
Beth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Yes I feel better and more at ease. I still have hope in my heart that this will be a long term life changing experienced but from visiting him today I learned more about myself and what I needed to do rather then what I would do without him. He has a positive outlook and is open to whatever it is the counselors tell him to stay clean but I set a time in my head before I will take him back and if he ever relapses I am taking suggestion and going to talk to his counselor about that tomorrow but I really don't want to stay married if he relapses again. He needs to be a good role model for his kids and I will not raise my kids in a violent home with an active addict. I truly thank everyone. Even though some things are hard to hear I know I need to hear the truth and am happy I have some support here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
