ncgirl2323

I’m mad and I don’t really know why! Why is it that after almost 5 months since I broke up with my axbf - I still think about him from time to time and I still feel hurt and betrayed!!! I know I’m much better off without him! I’ve been NC since we broke up. I’ve ignored every phone call, text, FB friend request – is he serious!!! And other attempts he has made

Why do I still feel so broken and I’m scared that all this baggage I have from my axbf will carry into a new relationship. I want to start dating and I want to move on with my life and forget about my ex but I can’t get the memories out of my mind! For those who have started a new relationship after the one with the addict – how was it, did you have trust issues? Did you tell your new partner about your ex-addict? I feel like I would have to because I don’t want the next guy to date think I’m crazy for staying with an addict and I don’t want to have trust issues like I did with my ex.

I also saw that he signed up for a dating website a few days ago, call me a stalker - I deserved it because I looked – he doesn’t know it’s me and I don’t know if he’s a “paying member” but still. I knew this day would come and I am trying to move on with my life but it still hurts knowing that he is trying to date someone new because I was so good to him and I feel like he didn’t give a damn about me because he never really did…. Sorry, I had to vent… Just when I feel like I’m taking a few steps forward, BAM… I take a few more back…

SicknTired8

I am sorry that you are going through all of this. I can empathize with you, seeing as I feel like I am in the same boat as you, except for the fact that my xabf started dating an addict right after he left me.

I think it's only normal that you still feel betrayed and hurt. I get these feelings too but I just tell myself I am better off.

Have you been working on yourself in anyway? Going to Nar Anon meetings or seeking counselling? I found counselling helped for myself but I understand it isn't for everyone.

You are going through sort of a grieving process. You did, after all, lose a loved one. You have to let it run it's course, but at the same time you need to keep your mind busy. I had once read a post on here about someone saying they only have an allotted time in the morning (15 minutes) to think about the addict in their life. If they began thinking about them throughout the day, they would tell themselves that they had their time in the morning, and that was enough. I have tried this and it works wonders.

Anyways sorry for rambling but I hope at least some of this helped you. Stay strong.

battlescars

I had a bad breakup with my AXF 2 years ago and I'm just starting to feel healthy. I'm a very impatient person (especially with myself) and so I pretended that I was ready for a relationship before I really was. When I told a good friend I was better, he said, "I feel like you've jumped into the water but you haven't swum all the way to the bottom yet." Some underwater metaphor like that. I didn't listen to him at the time, thinking that I was totally ready to date again. Turns out I wasn't. I was using dating as a distraction--perhaps to feel lovable again, perhaps to forget, perhaps to tell the world that I've moved on. I know it's hard because we feel like we've spent so much time with "the wrong person", then had to heal, then we potentially have to have relationships we're not totally ready for afterward. But I feel like once I'm truly ready, I will be so solid in myself through what I endured and what I've learned about myself that I will be capable of having a really great relationship. First focus, however, is that really great relationship with myself. A huge lesson for me is that that really great relationship is the one that I have denied myself while taking care of others or giving too much of me. Stay honest with yourself. All the best to you.

Wing

I'm the same. 3 months...
I quit the job, staying home depressed... I traveled a bit. It's ups and downs. Forwards and backwards. When will it heal?
U do better than me coz u refused the text and call. I replied him. I miss him, I love him, I hate him, I wish him dead... Recent days I fall into hell again... Remembering all the lies and probably cheating too, tho he kept denying... But I did found woman sent him naked pictures and there were some flirty msgs with other women in fb.... He never explained but just blamed me on snooping around. He claimed I have the house keys but never trust him. And said I imagine him as horrible person to make my life miserable.

Now, all the anger just came up again. I said all the ****** things to him few days ago and cut contact. But I'm eaten up by anger. I cannot sleep, cannot eat... I'll call councelor on Monday. Been avoiding all frens coz I feel ashamed that I didn't get over yet.,. Tomorrow I will go to church and try if it helps.

Please stay strong together. And don't be like me. U have to keep rejecting his contact..,,

God bless us

ncgirl2323

I’ve been going to a therapist since I broke up with him and she has helped a lot! I’m working on myself and without this happening; I don’t think I ever would have gone to a therapist. I asked her if I was codependent and she doesn’t think so… I fell in love with an addict and had no idea because he hid it from me. I asked her if I should go to NarAnon and she doesn’t think I need to since I left the relationship and have no desire to go back and since I am working with her. She also gave me the time limit per day but it’s like the memories come out of nowhere! It wasn’t like he was a monster – we had some good times but why is it that I can’t remember the bad times? Like how he kicked me out of his apt when he invited me over so he could go do coke with his friends, or left me after we made plans to go use…

I know that I’m in a better place now than when I was with him. I know I deserve a healthy and loving relationship but I think part of me is scared to open up to someone again because I don’t want to be hurt. I know that I do not want to live a life where I am constantly questioning him, not trusting him and always wondering if he is high on coke… What if I stayed with him, would he be high on coke on our wedding day or what if we had a child – what if he is high on coke and he picks up our child…. I don’t want that life and that’s why I left. I made that choice once I really saw how bad it was. Everyone says that I’m strong for leaving him but at times I don’t feel strong. I wonder at times if he knows how much he hurt me and if he even cares! Part of me wants him to be just as upset as I am – so he knows how much it hurts. I know that I will never get the answers to all of the questions because would I really even believe him if we spoke? I just feel so broken now and at times I wish I had amnesia so I could forget this craziness of my life and not remember the good or bad times!

Thank you for all of your kind words – I hate that we are all going through this but I am glad that I have your support!

God bless us all!

lilyB2013

That's a little weird that your therapist would say no to Nar-An... Being surrounded by loving people who have been- or are- going through the same things really builds you up and reminds you to be strong for you.

BUT- the pain will subside, I promise. It's important to stay strong, though, and focus on your priorities. Sometimes I derail myself as well, my mind gets distracted and I look at old pictures and get myself very sad and down. Then the overriding mentality is.... "I AIN'T GOT TIME TO BE SAD!" and it reminds myself to focus on the things I actually have to do. It's a weird coping mechanism, I know, but it's helped me a lot to refocus and think about me.

It's ok to feel sad, but letting it consume you puts you back in that room with him, back with his addiction and back into trauma and stress you never deserved. Don't give the addiction and drugs the satisfaction of ruining another life- you are an amazing person who can overcome this.

Wing

Ncgirl,

I have exactly the same feelings and questions as yours. Exactly the same.
And I'm still wondering and hoping if he would stop use now. He told me thatched doing well now after moving to canada. Work a lot.

Guess we have to foget about the hope and be realistic.

Hugs and walk together.