Life on the Other Side
Orange Lily
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Life on the Other Side
Hey everyone,
I'm finally "on the other side." It feels as light and airy as a perfect dollop of whipped cream-- or when a cup of coffee has been made just right-- or even when you take off a pair of high heels and feel the relaxation of your feet on the bare floor, stretching after a long day.
I can't remember the last day I woke up without a migraine... It was like the migraine was constant, and now, it's completely gone. I've actually ENJOYED being at work these last few days. My smiles are bigger- and everyone has made mention that they can't tell why... but that I'm GLOWING.
The final good bye was grueling. We both looked at each other with tears in our eyes, I crouched next to him, and told him how sorry I was for how things had to end. I told him about how much I would miss him and how much I would pray every day for him to get better- to be the old him again and to find his happiness.
I know he's still using. After scrubbing the bathroom tiles and seeing little droplets of melted heroin all over them hours later... He can't let go of his drug. And I understand that now.
As we said good bye, he started to try and argue. He yelled about how he "knows" I'm seeing someone, how I couldn't wait to leave, how I've wanted it the whole time.
And yeah, it hurt. It pained me so much to hear him say all that in a cracking voice, through tears and anger and frustration. But I could feel myself gathering my strength, standing up, and pronouncing in a loud, firm voice, over his irrational drugged out reasoning:
"I love you, XXXX, with my entire heart. And I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. Please take care of yourself."
I turned around and walked away, deeply inhaling the sage I had just smudged all over the empty apartment, and walked out the front door, away from him. I cried as my friends drove me away-- but they were happy tears, with a huge smile on my face. I went out that night, and I laughed and I had fun, and I didn't regret it.
That was 4 days ago... And I'm doing really well. The messages I've received from him have been logistical, nothing besides two "I miss you" texts... I miss him, but nostalgically. It just occurred to me that if I saw him walk by me right now, I would be sad, but I wouldn't stop him.
So for those of you who are still on the other side of the darkness, I want you to all know how happy I am right now. How relieved. How I don't miss him in the painful way I thought I would. Yes, I'm scared, yes, I worry for him, but you won't know what this freedom feels like until you're ready to take the next step. I'm crying as I type because it was SO HARD to get to the point I'm at right now, but I'm proud of myself for doing it and for putting myself first. I'm crying because I was so scared before--- so lost before--- but it's like waking up from a dream. I lost myself in his addiction and in my codependence, and now I have the uphill battle of finding myself and functioning as an independent person.
Thank you all who have helped and supported me through the worst of this. I see the trajectory of my positivity-- even though I'm technically without my own home, even though I'm still recovering from such a shocking and terrible period of my life. I wouldn't have been able to do this without the support of everyone on this forum. I know I'm not out of the woods, but I'm glowing from the inside.
Thank you, everyone.
I'm finally "on the other side." It feels as light and airy as a perfect dollop of whipped cream-- or when a cup of coffee has been made just right-- or even when you take off a pair of high heels and feel the relaxation of your feet on the bare floor, stretching after a long day.
I can't remember the last day I woke up without a migraine... It was like the migraine was constant, and now, it's completely gone. I've actually ENJOYED being at work these last few days. My smiles are bigger- and everyone has made mention that they can't tell why... but that I'm GLOWING.
The final good bye was grueling. We both looked at each other with tears in our eyes, I crouched next to him, and told him how sorry I was for how things had to end. I told him about how much I would miss him and how much I would pray every day for him to get better- to be the old him again and to find his happiness.
I know he's still using. After scrubbing the bathroom tiles and seeing little droplets of melted heroin all over them hours later... He can't let go of his drug. And I understand that now.
As we said good bye, he started to try and argue. He yelled about how he "knows" I'm seeing someone, how I couldn't wait to leave, how I've wanted it the whole time.
And yeah, it hurt. It pained me so much to hear him say all that in a cracking voice, through tears and anger and frustration. But I could feel myself gathering my strength, standing up, and pronouncing in a loud, firm voice, over his irrational drugged out reasoning:
"I love you, XXXX, with my entire heart. And I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. Please take care of yourself."
I turned around and walked away, deeply inhaling the sage I had just smudged all over the empty apartment, and walked out the front door, away from him. I cried as my friends drove me away-- but they were happy tears, with a huge smile on my face. I went out that night, and I laughed and I had fun, and I didn't regret it.
That was 4 days ago... And I'm doing really well. The messages I've received from him have been logistical, nothing besides two "I miss you" texts... I miss him, but nostalgically. It just occurred to me that if I saw him walk by me right now, I would be sad, but I wouldn't stop him.
So for those of you who are still on the other side of the darkness, I want you to all know how happy I am right now. How relieved. How I don't miss him in the painful way I thought I would. Yes, I'm scared, yes, I worry for him, but you won't know what this freedom feels like until you're ready to take the next step. I'm crying as I type because it was SO HARD to get to the point I'm at right now, but I'm proud of myself for doing it and for putting myself first. I'm crying because I was so scared before--- so lost before--- but it's like waking up from a dream. I lost myself in his addiction and in my codependence, and now I have the uphill battle of finding myself and functioning as an independent person.
Thank you all who have helped and supported me through the worst of this. I see the trajectory of my positivity-- even though I'm technically without my own home, even though I'm still recovering from such a shocking and terrible period of my life. I wouldn't have been able to do this without the support of everyone on this forum. I know I'm not out of the woods, but I'm glowing from the inside.
Thank you, everyone.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lily, you will have good days and bad days...but we ALL have good days and bad days, even without our addicted loved one in our lives.
The good days will bring warmth to your heart and smiles and joy, the bad don't have to be as bad if you don't dwell in them long.
I am happy for you that you made the transition and that you are safely in a healthier place.
Hugss
The good days will bring warmth to your heart and smiles and joy, the bad don't have to be as bad if you don't dwell in them long.
I am happy for you that you made the transition and that you are safely in a healthier place.
Hugss
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
lily - i am very happy to read this tonight. Yes, like Ann says, you will have good days and bad days. Some days I am on cloud 9 and then some thought comes into my head and it sets me back. However, the difference is I know inside of me it's not nearly as bad as how I felt when I was with the addict and not NEARLY as bad as it felt a year ago when I was crushed. That's how I know inside I am better, like you.
The good days will bring warmth to your heart and smiles and joy, the bad don't have to be as bad if you don't dwell in them long.
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