From Guilt and Compassion to Anger and Coldness
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From Guilt and Compassion to Anger and Coldness
So, I was feeling guilty about how I didn't really miss my AH not being with me all of the time (since we now do not live together). I still felt compassion towards him...felt sorry for him.
Now, he's aggravating the life out of me! I know this is really mean and insensitive of me but I'm sick and tired of seeing him crying all the time and feeling so sad because we're not together.
I just want to say to him: "Get Over It!" and "You did this to yourself!" or "What did you think would happen when you treat someone the way you've treated me for so long!?" and "Stop being such a baby! Plenty of other people have fought their way out of Hell. You can too!" and finally "Grow up!"
Just when I think he's showing signs of improvement by his actions, he does or says something else that makes me think the previous positive act from him was just an Act.
Here's what I DO NOT want to happen, but am afraid will. I do not want to feel guilty for having these "bad thoughts" towards him. By "bad" I mean, I sometimes wish karma would just kick him in the pants! I really wish he would have to experience what he's put me and our kids through.
Once the guilt kicks in, then I'll feel sorry for him and open myself up to letting him back in my life....and that will only be out of a sense of duty because we're married. That will lead to resentment.
What can I do? I know it is not healthy for me to wish karma on him. For instance, I actually wish that he would get into a minor car accident while he's driving, alone, so that everyone will finally realize that it's not safe for someone to drive when they're falling asleep at the wheel. (It's illegal for him to drive while methadone is in his system and I'm not fully convinced methadone is the only thing in his system.) And he's not "just tired." And he's not "just hot," and that's why he sweats all the time! That also annoys me.
Sorry, I started venting again. I feel annoyed and cold towards him and those are not qualities I would like to demonstrate towards anyone. Suggestions please?
Now, he's aggravating the life out of me! I know this is really mean and insensitive of me but I'm sick and tired of seeing him crying all the time and feeling so sad because we're not together.
I just want to say to him: "Get Over It!" and "You did this to yourself!" or "What did you think would happen when you treat someone the way you've treated me for so long!?" and "Stop being such a baby! Plenty of other people have fought their way out of Hell. You can too!" and finally "Grow up!"
Just when I think he's showing signs of improvement by his actions, he does or says something else that makes me think the previous positive act from him was just an Act.
Here's what I DO NOT want to happen, but am afraid will. I do not want to feel guilty for having these "bad thoughts" towards him. By "bad" I mean, I sometimes wish karma would just kick him in the pants! I really wish he would have to experience what he's put me and our kids through.
Once the guilt kicks in, then I'll feel sorry for him and open myself up to letting him back in my life....and that will only be out of a sense of duty because we're married. That will lead to resentment.
What can I do? I know it is not healthy for me to wish karma on him. For instance, I actually wish that he would get into a minor car accident while he's driving, alone, so that everyone will finally realize that it's not safe for someone to drive when they're falling asleep at the wheel. (It's illegal for him to drive while methadone is in his system and I'm not fully convinced methadone is the only thing in his system.) And he's not "just tired." And he's not "just hot," and that's why he sweats all the time! That also annoys me.
Sorry, I started venting again. I feel annoyed and cold towards him and those are not qualities I would like to demonstrate towards anyone. Suggestions please?
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Once the guilt kicks in, then I'll feel sorry for him and open myself up to letting him back in my life....and that will only be out of a sense of duty because we're married. That will lead to resentment.
If you attending any type meetings maybe attend more than usual?
realize that what you said above is a choice if you do it and you don't have to get back on that merry go round.
So easy to get on that ride yet often so hard to get off.
If you attending any type meetings maybe attend more than usual?
realize that what you said above is a choice if you do it and you don't have to get back on that merry go round.
So easy to get on that ride yet often so hard to get off.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Fenton Mi
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I just left my wife to move into a sober living environment. It's very depressing at first and the one thing I think of is the crap I did to her. The fact remains is someone has to be sober and I know today that getting back with her within a living situation is not positive. All things will work out. Stay positive and wish for hopeful things. God would want that of us.
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Originally Posted by crazybabie 
If you attending any type meetings maybe attend more than usual?
You also mentioned me having a choice...I just didn't copy that part. I'm confused though. How can I have a choice of what feelings to feel?
Thanks!
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When I start to feel guilty, I remind myself that guilt is not from God. Also, it's ok to have those thoughts as long as you don't act one them. He is in Gods hands now, let HIM do the work.
(And also stay away from his breaks lines with a knife.
)
(And also stay away from his breaks lines with a knife.
)
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Faithlove, I think you are perhaps judging yourself too harshly. No need to weigh every bad feeling and wonder where it may lead. Just feel it! Then release it to your HP. It is perfectly acceptable for you to be feeling anger and and experiencing a freezing cold bitterness towards your AH. It will all unfold as it should.
Let yourself off the hook, okay? You are a devoted parent and you have been a devoted spouse. You did the best you could with him and it did not work out as you'd hoped (for the time being) and you took care of yourself and those who are truly dependent on your good decisions & your love. Stay in the moment. You are doing a great job.
Let yourself off the hook, okay? You are a devoted parent and you have been a devoted spouse. You did the best you could with him and it did not work out as you'd hoped (for the time being) and you took care of yourself and those who are truly dependent on your good decisions & your love. Stay in the moment. You are doing a great job.
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Originally Posted by Faithlove
You also mentioned me having a choice...I just didn't copy that part. I'm confused though. How can I have a choice of what feelings to feel?
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
When I start to feel guilty, I remind myself that guilt is not from God. Also, it's ok to have those thoughts as long as you don't act one them. He is in Gods hands now, let HIM do the work.
(And also stay away from his breaks lines with a knife. )
(And also stay away from his breaks lines with a knife.
)Member
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Originally Posted by EverHopeful721
Faithlove, I don't want to speak for Angie, and I'm sure she'll clarify for us as soon as she gets a chance. But what I took from her post is not that we can control our feelings, but that we can control the actions we take in response to those feelings. It's natural to feel your feelings (although I don't think you should feel guilty at ALL!!), but if you would let him back in as a result of those feelings, that would not be a good thing, and THAT you can control.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Faithlove
LOL about the break lines! But I would never really do anything like that!
I know you wouldn't. Heck, we feel bad for even thinking "bad" thoughts. I wouldn't do it either but I sure am relieved at times my husband let his life insurance policy lapse.
Just kidding!!
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Once the guilt kicks in, then I'll feel sorry for him and open myself up to letting him back in my life....and that will only be out of a sense of duty because we're married. That will lead to resentment.
Guilt, feeling sorry for other, dissolving boundaries, sense of duty, resentment. that does NOT describe a marriage!!! that describes indentured servitude, or purgatory maybe. and it all sounds so.....heavy...like that protective shield they lay over you before getting dental xrays. pressing downward, making one smaller.
you have two things going.....thoughts AND feelings.
feeling - ANGER from resentments and expectations
thought - i'm going to grab the steak knife and go cut his brake lines!
feelings are neither good nor bad. they just are. it says somewhere out there on the google approximately how many separate feelings/emotions we go thru in the course of a day. MANY go almost unnoticed. cuz they don't have a lot of STUFF attached to them. we also tend to acclimate towards a certain set of feelings...somewhere along the way they were deemed either SAFE or acceptable - or maybe even uncomfortably comfortable.
thoughts that remain just thoughts, and pass quickly, are of not much harm. it's when the mind obsesses, spins and whirls, and ruminates, and overtakes everything that problems arise. we CAN control our thinking...at the very least we can be on top of it and redirect it quickly.
just because we feel it, we are not obligated to DO anything about it. just because we think it, we are not required to act upon it.
Guilt vs Remorse
Guilt, although believed to be an essential aspect of human behavior, is an extremely complex emotion. However, the word guilt is often used in various shades of senses. It is commonly used to depict the state of owning up to some action, for instance a crime, and acknowledging that its effects could have affected some people in a negative way. It describes the conflict of emotional feelings that a person will have after realizing a wrong action. However, accepting guilt doesn’t necessarily mean remorsefulness. It is vitally important to differentiate remorse from guilt as it’s perfectly possible for a person to be guilty without showing any remorse, at least from a legal point of view.
Remorse comes from a real awareness of taking full responsibility for acting in a harmful way towards some person or people. It makes one feel that his ethical standards have been violated. Remorse will not imply that what you did proves your inherent evil ways, or that you are immoral but direct you to take positive steps to do away with actions that may cause harm.
One of the key differences between guilt and remorse is that while guilt tends to lead to self destructive tendencies, remorse leads to constructive action.
Read more: Difference Between Guilt and Remorse | Difference Between | Guilt vs Remorse Difference Between Guilt and Remorse | Difference Between | Guilt vs Remorse
Guilt, feeling sorry for other, dissolving boundaries, sense of duty, resentment. that does NOT describe a marriage!!! that describes indentured servitude, or purgatory maybe. and it all sounds so.....heavy...like that protective shield they lay over you before getting dental xrays. pressing downward, making one smaller.
you have two things going.....thoughts AND feelings.
feeling - ANGER from resentments and expectations
thought - i'm going to grab the steak knife and go cut his brake lines!
feelings are neither good nor bad. they just are. it says somewhere out there on the google approximately how many separate feelings/emotions we go thru in the course of a day. MANY go almost unnoticed. cuz they don't have a lot of STUFF attached to them. we also tend to acclimate towards a certain set of feelings...somewhere along the way they were deemed either SAFE or acceptable - or maybe even uncomfortably comfortable.
thoughts that remain just thoughts, and pass quickly, are of not much harm. it's when the mind obsesses, spins and whirls, and ruminates, and overtakes everything that problems arise. we CAN control our thinking...at the very least we can be on top of it and redirect it quickly.
just because we feel it, we are not obligated to DO anything about it. just because we think it, we are not required to act upon it.
Guilt vs Remorse
Guilt, although believed to be an essential aspect of human behavior, is an extremely complex emotion. However, the word guilt is often used in various shades of senses. It is commonly used to depict the state of owning up to some action, for instance a crime, and acknowledging that its effects could have affected some people in a negative way. It describes the conflict of emotional feelings that a person will have after realizing a wrong action. However, accepting guilt doesn’t necessarily mean remorsefulness. It is vitally important to differentiate remorse from guilt as it’s perfectly possible for a person to be guilty without showing any remorse, at least from a legal point of view.
Remorse comes from a real awareness of taking full responsibility for acting in a harmful way towards some person or people. It makes one feel that his ethical standards have been violated. Remorse will not imply that what you did proves your inherent evil ways, or that you are immoral but direct you to take positive steps to do away with actions that may cause harm.
One of the key differences between guilt and remorse is that while guilt tends to lead to self destructive tendencies, remorse leads to constructive action.
Read more: Difference Between Guilt and Remorse | Difference Between | Guilt vs Remorse Difference Between Guilt and Remorse | Difference Between | Guilt vs Remorse
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi Faithlove, I once read somewhere that when we simply acknowledge our feelings, at the moment we are having them, our miraculous minds immediately start the process of releasing them....often within 10 minutes. It's why children can lay on the floor screaming and crying one moment and within a few minutes be happy again. They acknowledged how distraught they were. It was said that it's the stuffing and trying to control our feelings that keep them resurfacing over and over. If you're pissed...feel it. Write about it. If you're feeling guilty....why. Write it down. Acknowledge it....and move on. Ask yourself in 10 minutes if you feel more guilt...or none. It's worth a try, right? I used to find myself stuck in very cyclical thought patterns....this acknowledging has really helped me. I allow myself a few minutes thinking about the real root of it...and then redirect my attention to something more productive. Have a great, guilt-free day! You deserve it!
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