Sweet Freedom
Orange Lily
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Sweet Freedom
Hey everyone-
I had to come here immediately after the most amazing moment I've had in my adult life.
My heart screaming out in happiness of being officially freed!
Sounds cheesy, well aware, but legit.
As some of the amazing members of this forum helped me a couple days ago with me hitting my codependent rock bottom, I got it together. Made a decision, cried and lagged, and fell apart and it all culminated in tonight: finally severing the last possible anchor in my relationship with my AXBF: our apartment.
Everything has lined itself up today to give me this type of joy: my mother sent me 3/4 of the money I would need to move, my best friend finally convinced me to stay with her as long as it takes to find a new apartment, I finished school last week for the semester, I decided to move out by SUNDAY before the FINAL kick in the pants: my landlord threatening to evict us because the AXBF didn't pay his share of the rent (he spent his money on drugs.)
Doesn't sound pleasant, but it was amazing.
Somehow I managed to talk the landlord down and things are dissolving amicably with the landlord (yes!!!) It's now officially out there--- the only "contract" or affiliation we had left together, it's done.
I can't describe to you guys the amazing feeling I felt, the happy tears, the wanting to shout out loud and pray, the freedom I IMMEDIATELY felt at knowing that there is now nothing, or ever will be, something holding me to this person in their addict state. Not to be too sappy, but I was absolutely crying out of sheer self loving happiness for MYSELF. Congratulating MYSELF. And being so proud of MYSELF.
I don't know, I just wanted to share this moment with you all. I still have to pack, move physically out, scrub this drug den apartment from top to bottom, and light some sage to clear out the old sad memories. Emotionally, I'll recover and be strong. But after Sunday, I won't be scared like I have been anymore.
I feel on top of the world right now.
I had to come here immediately after the most amazing moment I've had in my adult life.
My heart screaming out in happiness of being officially freed!
Sounds cheesy, well aware, but legit.
As some of the amazing members of this forum helped me a couple days ago with me hitting my codependent rock bottom, I got it together. Made a decision, cried and lagged, and fell apart and it all culminated in tonight: finally severing the last possible anchor in my relationship with my AXBF: our apartment.
Everything has lined itself up today to give me this type of joy: my mother sent me 3/4 of the money I would need to move, my best friend finally convinced me to stay with her as long as it takes to find a new apartment, I finished school last week for the semester, I decided to move out by SUNDAY before the FINAL kick in the pants: my landlord threatening to evict us because the AXBF didn't pay his share of the rent (he spent his money on drugs.)
Doesn't sound pleasant, but it was amazing.
Somehow I managed to talk the landlord down and things are dissolving amicably with the landlord (yes!!!) It's now officially out there--- the only "contract" or affiliation we had left together, it's done.
I can't describe to you guys the amazing feeling I felt, the happy tears, the wanting to shout out loud and pray, the freedom I IMMEDIATELY felt at knowing that there is now nothing, or ever will be, something holding me to this person in their addict state. Not to be too sappy, but I was absolutely crying out of sheer self loving happiness for MYSELF. Congratulating MYSELF. And being so proud of MYSELF.
I don't know, I just wanted to share this moment with you all. I still have to pack, move physically out, scrub this drug den apartment from top to bottom, and light some sage to clear out the old sad memories. Emotionally, I'll recover and be strong. But after Sunday, I won't be scared like I have been anymore.
I feel on top of the world right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
This is so beautiful, Lily. I'm so happy for you and so relieved for you, too.
Do you feel safe while you are packing up? Where is the addict?
It's okay to ask someone to always be there with you while you are packing and scrubbing.
Do you feel safe while you are packing up? Where is the addict?
It's okay to ask someone to always be there with you while you are packing and scrubbing.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lily, it might be good to have someone with you when you actually pack up and move, that can be a dangerous time when abuse is present.
I wish you wonderful new beginnings and brighter days ahead. You may have some sad days, grieving what might have been, that's normal. But rejoice in the dreams of "what will be ahead" and let life lead you to a better place.
Hugs
I wish you wonderful new beginnings and brighter days ahead. You may have some sad days, grieving what might have been, that's normal. But rejoice in the dreams of "what will be ahead" and let life lead you to a better place.
Hugs
Good for you, Lily! 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Awesome!
Your recovery is shining, Lily!
I agree with the others that you should have a friend help you with the packing and cleaning, it sounds like an unpredictable situation and we're always better over-prepared than under.
There will be times when you will have to practice sitting through the discomfort and playing the tape all the way through in the days ahead - we'll be there with you 100% of the time. You got this one, girl!
Your recovery is shining, Lily!
I agree with the others that you should have a friend help you with the packing and cleaning, it sounds like an unpredictable situation and we're always better over-prepared than under.
There will be times when you will have to practice sitting through the discomfort and playing the tape all the way through in the days ahead - we'll be there with you 100% of the time. You got this one, girl!
Orange Lily
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by interrupted 
There will be times when you will have to practice sitting through the discomfort and playing the tape all the way through in the days ahead - we'll be there with you 100% of the time. You got this one, girl!
I didn't have a set back this afternoon- just a moment. I let myself really cry and sob on my own... As I packed. I'm home alone and ok- but looking through our things, separating out what's mine, looking at the pile of his things and how little there are in comparison to all of mine...
I folded everything, all the clothes, I mean. I folded the shirt he wore on our first date so many years ago and tucked it away in my things... I'm sure not healthy towards recovery, but darn it, I'm keeping it.
Sadness, regret, melancholy, finality. It's all hitting me like a truck. My bedroom is nearly half packed but man- this moment right now is hard. I'm praying constantly for him to get well again.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The end is a new beginning. – Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me. Dear Future, I am ready now!” Because a great beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything. ~Marc and Angel Hack Life~
You are no longer a victim, you are a survivor and wonderful new beginnings await you...just ahead...slightly beyond where you can see.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
What an amazing post.
Your recovery and strength is shining through. Those moments of crying out of joy and self love are moments to be treasured and remembered. If you start to second guess yourself or want to go back to him remind yourself of how amazing it felt when you got everything in order to leave. If the relationship was good for you or healthy that wouldn't have happened. You have PROOF that you know leaving will change your life for the better
Keep moving forward!
Your recovery and strength is shining through. Those moments of crying out of joy and self love are moments to be treasured and remembered. If you start to second guess yourself or want to go back to him remind yourself of how amazing it felt when you got everything in order to leave. If the relationship was good for you or healthy that wouldn't have happened. You have PROOF that you know leaving will change your life for the better
Keep moving forward!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
totally normal to have mood swings...in a normal break up situation it is already hard...but in the tearing apart between addict and co-dependent the mood swings are like part of the withdrawal. for some people the mood swings cause "relapse"
time, self care, support, processing
it is going to be a bit of a rough road ahead...but it is a necessary journey to walk yourself out of hell
time, self care, support, processing
it is going to be a bit of a rough road ahead...but it is a necessary journey to walk yourself out of hell
Orange Lily
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
So a little update:
You guys weren't kidding about the needing someone in the apartment when I'm packing, just in case! Nothing insane has happened, besides his mood swings and yelling at me like crazy... Which he was doing before (no surprise, there.)
I didn't think he had it in him to do this with other people in the house: my room mate's family trying to help my room mate move out. Embarrassing like crazy... But all I could repeat over and over was "leave me alone, leave me alone."
Today I'm checking out rooms for rent with a friend- in case I don't have to stay with a friend right away. Then, collecting some boxes to pack more. Then back to the apartment (with friend in tow) to pack more.
It's really difficult to have to listen to some of the verbal abuse, knowing that no amount of logic or reason will make him realize how insane he's becoming. Like, I get that this is the addict in full swing... And nothing that comes out of his mouth will be the "old him," that I fell in love with. I won't ever understand, but I'm ok with that a little bit more every day.
You guys weren't kidding about the needing someone in the apartment when I'm packing, just in case! Nothing insane has happened, besides his mood swings and yelling at me like crazy... Which he was doing before (no surprise, there.)
I didn't think he had it in him to do this with other people in the house: my room mate's family trying to help my room mate move out. Embarrassing like crazy... But all I could repeat over and over was "leave me alone, leave me alone."
Today I'm checking out rooms for rent with a friend- in case I don't have to stay with a friend right away. Then, collecting some boxes to pack more. Then back to the apartment (with friend in tow) to pack more.
It's really difficult to have to listen to some of the verbal abuse, knowing that no amount of logic or reason will make him realize how insane he's becoming. Like, I get that this is the addict in full swing... And nothing that comes out of his mouth will be the "old him," that I fell in love with. I won't ever understand, but I'm ok with that a little bit more every day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Light that sage and find peace, Lily.
But like Ann said, be prepared for the unexpected.
It's not a bad idea to have a mean-looking male nearby
(one who doesn't smile back when smiled at)....just in
case. It is a time of peak physical danger---but being aware
of that automatically helps.
I once was honored to play the part for a distant relative.
(I'm not mean but I can play the part well). This fellow looks at
me during the initial approach/size up phase and says "What's
up bro?"
"I'm not your bro. I don't know you. Don't talk to me again."
He didn't.
(Arnold Shwartzeneggar would have been proud!)
But like Ann said, be prepared for the unexpected.
It's not a bad idea to have a mean-looking male nearby
(one who doesn't smile back when smiled at)....just in
case. It is a time of peak physical danger---but being aware
of that automatically helps.
I once was honored to play the part for a distant relative.
(I'm not mean but I can play the part well). This fellow looks at
me during the initial approach/size up phase and says "What's
up bro?"
"I'm not your bro. I don't know you. Don't talk to me again."
He didn't.
(Arnold Shwartzeneggar would have been proud!)
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