singsing1543

My partner has been clean for 75 days thanks to inpatient, outpatient, therapy, meetings, and sponsors. She has a really strong understanding of addiction and is always open and honest with me about her thoughts and struggles. When she got clean it was because I had found out about the using and made her go to inpatient rehab. she agreed to go but in the shock and confusion of it all i threw away her pipe, beer, vodka and everything that was related to it. She's been having this nagging thought of using one last time in a very specific manner which she feels will allow her to get the last time closure and she would get to break the pipe, throw away the beer cans, and move away from this sick, romanticized last use fantasy.

I'm so torn! A part of me wants to slap her awake and tell her she's just giving in to her addict but another part of me just wants her to do it, with me in the other room where I know she's safe, and just get this whole fantasy over with so that we can move on. I'm racked with guilt and confusion.

Is a planned, relatively safe relapse possibly a good thing?

Just some extra info: her drug of choice is meth but she wants 3 beers, two shots of vodka, and three bowls of meth.

zoso77

Is there such a thing as a "relatively safe relapse"? To me, that's akin to seeing a small brush fire that's dying, and then throwing gasoline on it. Doesn't matter how careful you are throwing the gasoline on the fire. The fire WILL get bigger and consume all in its path.

Including you.

Welcome to the Board, and I hope my answer to your post doesn't scare you off. Rather, I want your attention. There is no such thing as a safe relapse, although you could argue all relapses are "planned" because as soon as the addict decides to pick up, that's a plan.

You seem to be in an unhealthy situation with your partner. Rather than telling you what I think you should do, I encourage you to read as many posts as you can, including the various "sticky notes" on top of our home page. Read them with open eyes and an open mind. Right now, you'll need both if you're to get through this in one piece.

ZoSo

Maylie

As a recovered addict and a loved one of an addict I feel pretty confident telling you this is prob. the worst idea ever on her part.

Every addict thinks that doing something "one more time" will bring them closure. Do you know how many times I told myself "I want to get clean but in order to really move forward I need to do it one more time and then be done with it" and I did the whole dramatic breaking all my needles throwing them out and guess what? The next day I didn't feel better and in another week I was saying one last time all over again. It NEVER ends. That last time is never good enough.

She has been clean, this "planned relapse" can send her into months, years, decades more of active using. It isn't as easy as "one more time" especially when she has been clean for awhile. She is justifying using and trying to get you on board so she can rationalize it even more in her mind.

Whether you say it is a good idea or tell her you think it is a bad idea it doesn't matter. Sure, she might be talking it through with you and acting like she wants your opinion but she is assuming she will be able to talk you into agreeing.

Do you have a plan on what you are going to do if she uses again for this "one last time" and then keeps using? If her thoughts have been so strong that she has literally come out and voiced them to you that prob. means she thinks about using ALOT and therefore you should protect yourself. What do you want out of a relationship and what are you willing to put up with before you decide this relationship isn't fulfilling you? It is important to know what we want and how we picture our future and try to strive towards that no matter whether our loved ones are using or not.

AnvilheadII

if your desire is for her to NOT use, then sitting in the room WHILE she uses makes NO sense. her last time WAS her last time.....if she chooses. drugs are not friends we buy a Bon Voyage card for...they do not deserve one last fine meal....she's either DONE or she's not. if she wants to try to arrange to use AGAIN, she's not done. period,

Kindeyes

Mr. Kindeyes, my dear husband, is a wonderfully healthy, intelligent man. Kind and gentle yet strong. If it was me asking for his permission/participation in this kind of activity, I can tell you what he would say.

He would say "Kindeyes, you can do whatever you want to do, but in no way, shape or form will I participate in or support you in this decision. I love you....but I can't support something that I believe is not healthy for you."

Your partner can do whatever she chooses, but there is no reason for you to support her in that decision unless you want to....then each of you get to accept the consequences of your decisions.

Just so you know.....this conversation actually took place this past Sunday (under slightly different circumstances). His kind yet strong stance made me rethink my position. He didn't tell me what to do....but he made it very clear he didn't support my thought process. I appreciate him for that.....he's a very wise man. (By the way, I made the "right" decision.)

gentle hugs
ke

Taking5

I'm with Anvil. She's not done. Nor will this be a one time thing. IMO she is a full blown relapse waiting to happen. Mentally she has already relapsed, and it happens mentally before it happens physically.

incitingsilence

There is no safe relapse, actually relapse can be more dangerous than just continually using at times.

And a planned one, her planning it in her head isn’t a good sign. If she acts on it, sure she may learn something, but when, cause when she picks up that pipe again it will be game on, and sadly odds are within days she will be right back where she left off. You will lie to yourself, she will lie to you…

Please get some support and help for you, and leave her to find her way. If she wants to use you won’t be able to stop her, she will find a way, but you shouldn’t contribute, that is enabling to the max, and not healthy for her or you.