Being put on the spot....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Being put on the spot....
I got a text from my 19 yr old daughter saying....
"Let's see how honest you are. What drugs have you done in your life?"
I really didn't want to answer that question nor did I want to be honest either. So, I told her my past mistakes were not up for discussion. Then I deflected with...did she want to know how old I was when I lost my virginity too?
Do you think we should be honest or is really any of their business? My kids have seen me have a drink on vacation (piņa Colada on the beach) and maybe one beer at a cookout years ago. I made a conscious effort to not drink socially in front of them to be good a role model but my daughter did see me a little tipsy once when she was 18 and picked me up from being out with some friends.
(I am not a drinker anyway....maybe once a year, if that).
"Let's see how honest you are. What drugs have you done in your life?"
I really didn't want to answer that question nor did I want to be honest either. So, I told her my past mistakes were not up for discussion. Then I deflected with...did she want to know how old I was when I lost my virginity too?
Do you think we should be honest or is really any of their business? My kids have seen me have a drink on vacation (piņa Colada on the beach) and maybe one beer at a cookout years ago. I made a conscious effort to not drink socially in front of them to be good a role model but my daughter did see me a little tipsy once when she was 18 and picked me up from being out with some friends.
(I am not a drinker anyway....maybe once a year, if that).
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's none of their business.
If you choose to share with children, fine, if you choose to embrace the life you live today and let yesterday's mistakes fade into the past where they belong...good for you.
I don't pretend to be perfect, but I try each day to be the best person I can be. That is as good as I get, and it's good enough for me.
You're a good person too, LMN, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hugs
If you choose to share with children, fine, if you choose to embrace the life you live today and let yesterday's mistakes fade into the past where they belong...good for you.
I don't pretend to be perfect, but I try each day to be the best person I can be. That is as good as I get, and it's good enough for me.
You're a good person too, LMN, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hugs
Thank you Ann!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
LMN
I only share certain things with people I trust. Her question was a set up. "Let's see how honest you are." was the set up.
Sometimes people ask questions because they are nosey. Sometimes people ask questions because they want to use our response against us at some point in the future. And some people ask questions because they truly care about you.
Which of those reasons were THE reason she was asking you the question? Just because someone asks us a question....we are not obligated in any way to answer them.....particularly if their reason for asking has a catch......and her preface made it pretty clear there was a catch.
You want to see how honest I am? Why?
I would be tempted to answer her question calmly with a question. "Why do you want to know? Is there something bothering you that you'd like to share with me?"
Maybe that will get to the root of her question. There's more there than meets the eye.
gentle hugs
ke
I only share certain things with people I trust. Her question was a set up. "Let's see how honest you are." was the set up.
Sometimes people ask questions because they are nosey. Sometimes people ask questions because they want to use our response against us at some point in the future. And some people ask questions because they truly care about you.
Which of those reasons were THE reason she was asking you the question? Just because someone asks us a question....we are not obligated in any way to answer them.....particularly if their reason for asking has a catch......and her preface made it pretty clear there was a catch.
You want to see how honest I am? Why?
I would be tempted to answer her question calmly with a question. "Why do you want to know? Is there something bothering you that you'd like to share with me?"
Maybe that will get to the root of her question. There's more there than meets the eye.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh yes Kindeyes, I was being setup for sure! I did ask her why she wanted to know. No response. I then said comparing ourselves to others, their decisions and/or their mistakes is not a healthy way to make choices. Unsolicited advice? Yes....I went there! I was a little flustered and caught off guard by her text. Next time, I will take more time before I respond, if I respond at all.
I left it at if she wanted to discuss this further, I would do so face to face and not via texting. That was probably somewhat manipulative on my part because I know she won't want to discuss it face to face. But in truth too, I don't like texting as a means of communication on important issues either so it wasn't all manipulative.
I left it at if she wanted to discuss this further, I would do so face to face and not via texting. That was probably somewhat manipulative on my part because I know she won't want to discuss it face to face. But in truth too, I don't like texting as a means of communication on important issues either so it wasn't all manipulative.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I have always cherished my open and honest relationship with my mom, but that text just rubs me the wrong way and I think you will be glad you didn't tell her.
I agree with Kindeyes explanation of how there are different reasons why people ask what they ask, and the preface to your daughters text seems like there wasn't a good motive behind it. ( I don't know her obv. so I could be wrong, it just seemed...odd). You also don't need to answer anything you don't want to, I feel like when people ask questions they seem to think they are owed an answer, which is just not true! Just like people always act shocked when they ask someone to do something and they say no lol.
Your suggestion to continue face to face also seems best. Maybe something has been bothering her and there is a reason she asked that question. Either way, text messaging is not the appropriate way to talk about big things, or things that you don't want saved and risked forwarded to others.
I agree with Kindeyes explanation of how there are different reasons why people ask what they ask, and the preface to your daughters text seems like there wasn't a good motive behind it. ( I don't know her obv. so I could be wrong, it just seemed...odd). You also don't need to answer anything you don't want to, I feel like when people ask questions they seem to think they are owed an answer, which is just not true! Just like people always act shocked when they ask someone to do something and they say no lol.
Your suggestion to continue face to face also seems best. Maybe something has been bothering her and there is a reason she asked that question. Either way, text messaging is not the appropriate way to talk about big things, or things that you don't want saved and risked forwarded to others.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Texting isn't communication. To have no visual/aural/contextual cues
makes it closer to ANTICOMMUNICATION.
I got tired of it with the addict I interfaced with. I told her that texting
communicates less than a dog's bark----if you have something to say to me,
meet me in a public place and SAY it.
But that is hard,it involves effort, and was kind of a dirty trick on my part.
I was tired of the endless sick game of addiction----and I knew that placing
ANY obstacle in her path would get me off the rollercoaster.
It did.
I agree with Ann. You ARE a good person, LMN----doing as best you can.
Don't allow yourself to be maneuvered with these transparent tactics.
makes it closer to ANTICOMMUNICATION.
I got tired of it with the addict I interfaced with. I told her that texting
communicates less than a dog's bark----if you have something to say to me,
meet me in a public place and SAY it.
But that is hard,it involves effort, and was kind of a dirty trick on my part.
I was tired of the endless sick game of addiction----and I knew that placing
ANY obstacle in her path would get me off the rollercoaster.
It did.
I agree with Ann. You ARE a good person, LMN----doing as best you can.
Don't allow yourself to be maneuvered with these transparent tactics.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
"It's none of your business" IS an honest answer...really, it is. 
Because anyone asks a question does not mean I am obliged to answer....do you have any idea how many years it took me to learn that?
I don't need anyone's approval if I am doing the best I can to be the best person I know how to be...warts and all.
To this day I have no idea how much my mother ever weighed, she felt there were 3 things a "lady" never discussed...her age, her weight and her shoe size. I will add to that...a lady should never discuss any part of her past that she would prefer to let remain in the past.
Happy Mothers Day again, LMN, and poo on anyone who says otherwise.
Hugs
Because anyone asks a question does not mean I am obliged to answer....do you have any idea how many years it took me to learn that?
I don't need anyone's approval if I am doing the best I can to be the best person I know how to be...warts and all.
To this day I have no idea how much my mother ever weighed, she felt there were 3 things a "lady" never discussed...her age, her weight and her shoe size. I will add to that...a lady should never discuss any part of her past that she would prefer to let remain in the past.
Happy Mothers Day again, LMN, and poo on anyone who says otherwise.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I think it is up to you and your relationship with your child.
IMO, a text asking that question sounds like it is coming from anger...a bit haughty. Although, I don't know the back story. It just seems like an odd random slightly disrespectful text. And, if she was really interested it seems of more of a face to face intimate question.
I would never answer such a question via text.
IMO, a text asking that question sounds like it is coming from anger...a bit haughty. Although, I don't know the back story. It just seems like an odd random slightly disrespectful text. And, if she was really interested it seems of more of a face to face intimate question.
I would never answer such a question via text.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Oh yes Kindeyes, I was being setup for sure! I did ask her why she wanted to know. No response. I then said comparing ourselves to others, their decisions and/or their mistakes is not a healthy way to make choices. Unsolicited advice? Yes....I went there! I was a little flustered and caught off guard by her text. Next time, I will take more time before I respond, if I respond at all.
I left it at if she wanted to discuss this further, I would do so face to face and not via texting. That was probably somewhat manipulative on my part because I know she won't want to discuss it face to face. But in truth too, I don't like texting as a means of communication on important issues either so it wasn't all manipulative.
I left it at if she wanted to discuss this further, I would do so face to face and not via texting. That was probably somewhat manipulative on my part because I know she won't want to discuss it face to face. But in truth too, I don't like texting as a means of communication on important issues either so it wasn't all manipulative.
Part 2 - another good response.....I don't think it was manipulative at all. That's definitely the kind of question that I would want to answer face to face if I chose to answer it at all.
One thing that I didn't think about until now.....you don't even really know if your daughter wrote the text. Who knows....someone could have grabbed her phone and sent the text pretending to be her thinking they were funny as heck.....you just never know. Sometimes I really hate texting. It works great with healthy relationships for quick info like "I'm sitting in the parking point at our designated meeting spot. Are you here yet?" It's pretty handy for that or "I'm running late--I'll be there in a minute." But anything of any depth......breakups, questions on sensitive topics, or conversations......just not good.
Glad you answered in a way that you were comfortable with and that took care of you!
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by story74
I think it is up to you and your relationship with your child.
IMO, a text asking that question sounds like it is coming from anger...a bit haughty. Although, I don't know the back story. It just seems like an odd random slightly disrespectful text. And, if she was really interested it seems of more of a face to face intimate question.
I would never answer such a question via text.
IMO, a text asking that question sounds like it is coming from anger...a bit haughty. Although, I don't know the back story. It just seems like an odd random slightly disrespectful text. And, if she was really interested it seems of more of a face to face intimate question.
I would never answer such a question via text.
My daughter is very angry with her birth mom and (with her father still) and I have become her person to lash out on.
When she was younger and in therapy, I was warned to toughen up because someday she would turn her anger on me. I try not to take it personally but there have been recent times, her words have really stung. I finally heard the words I had tried to prepare for....."I hate you. You are not my mother!"
I never thought that day would come because we were always very close and no matter how many times I was told it would - "so be prepared" - it didn't make it any less painful.
She is almost 20, living with her friends, and creating her own life lessons. I can only pray those lessons do not involve drugs. I pray this a phase that passes quickly as well. Right now, she knows it all....and there is no talking to her. I often wonder if this is payback for my rebellious years with my Mother.
P.S. Oh, i forgot to mention she is engaged too. My response to her text was simply "Congratulations." If I had to bet, I would give that a month.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
WOW! Well Happy Mother's Day to you!
I agree with everyone above. It seems as though her motives were to use your answer against you at some point. Anyway, children don't need to know EVERYTHING about their parents.
You're a wonderful lady and I'm glad to know you!!!
I agree with everyone above. It seems as though her motives were to use your answer against you at some point. Anyway, children don't need to know EVERYTHING about their parents.
You're a wonderful lady and I'm glad to know you!!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
"Let's see how honest you are. What drugs have you done in your life?"
It's interesting how the inquiry was framed. It's transparently a "gotcha" question.
My answer? MYOB...
ZoSo
It's interesting how the inquiry was framed. It's transparently a "gotcha" question.
My answer? MYOB...
ZoSo
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