Gender roles and enabling
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Gender roles and enabling
I have a couple of questions and would be interested in feedback from the members here.
Gender roles have changed significantly in my lifetime. A man who expected his wife to work when I was young would be a social pariah and considered abusive. Today, a man who expected his wife to stay home and raise the children might be considered abusive. I am a product of all my years, both the early years and the recent ones, and am comfortable with my take on my role in a marriage – as is my wife. But now enter enabling…
I open the car door for my wife. I expect that few would say that’s something I need to give up. I feel that it is my job to protect my wife. My wife called me at work about six weeks ago when two someone’s were trying to break into the house. I rushed home to find that no one was there and she was in a drug induced psychosis. At what point does healthy behavior point to telling her to hang up and call 911 instead of me? Before you answer, she’s been raped by a cop while in custody.
Though the situation is over now, other situations may raise their head and even if they do not, I don’t like not knowing what healthy behavior is in any situation. I don't think that I fully explained some of the consternations and confusion I am feeling as my somewhat antiquated role of husband butts up against a modern idea of codependency and enabling - but they are there.
Maybe just little things, she goes to the icebox and asks, "Did we finish the ice cream last night?" and when she comes to the living room to find out why I haven't answered...I'm already out the door and down the street on my way to get more ice cream... I would, and have, done that sort of thing regularly. What now? What if I know she is too tired to go because she worked all day around the house it's fine but if I know she's too tired to go because she relapsed and is crashing and doesn't have the strength to go...then it becomes enabling?
Where is the line? I think I know btw, but I'd like to see if I'm right. Thanks!
Gender roles have changed significantly in my lifetime. A man who expected his wife to work when I was young would be a social pariah and considered abusive. Today, a man who expected his wife to stay home and raise the children might be considered abusive. I am a product of all my years, both the early years and the recent ones, and am comfortable with my take on my role in a marriage – as is my wife. But now enter enabling…
I open the car door for my wife. I expect that few would say that’s something I need to give up. I feel that it is my job to protect my wife. My wife called me at work about six weeks ago when two someone’s were trying to break into the house. I rushed home to find that no one was there and she was in a drug induced psychosis. At what point does healthy behavior point to telling her to hang up and call 911 instead of me? Before you answer, she’s been raped by a cop while in custody.
Though the situation is over now, other situations may raise their head and even if they do not, I don’t like not knowing what healthy behavior is in any situation. I don't think that I fully explained some of the consternations and confusion I am feeling as my somewhat antiquated role of husband butts up against a modern idea of codependency and enabling - but they are there.
Maybe just little things, she goes to the icebox and asks, "Did we finish the ice cream last night?" and when she comes to the living room to find out why I haven't answered...I'm already out the door and down the street on my way to get more ice cream... I would, and have, done that sort of thing regularly. What now? What if I know she is too tired to go because she worked all day around the house it's fine but if I know she's too tired to go because she relapsed and is crashing and doesn't have the strength to go...then it becomes enabling?
Where is the line? I think I know btw, but I'd like to see if I'm right. Thanks!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I think you know, too and I agree with you.
Given her experience in custody, I would never be able to say "hang up and call 911". I would become very practiced in figuring out when she is in a drugged up state though.
Beyond safety issues, I would do for her what you are willing and able to do without harming yourself. Ice cream isn't a necessity but it is okay to do nice things for your spouse.
I want to just say I really feel for you. You are in a very difficult situation. Addiction aside, as long as you have the same values and are both comfortable with the roles, that is all that matters. I'm independent and a career woman but truly appreciate being with a gentleman who respects that I can do it myself if necessary but wants take care of me anyway.
Given her experience in custody, I would never be able to say "hang up and call 911". I would become very practiced in figuring out when she is in a drugged up state though.
Beyond safety issues, I would do for her what you are willing and able to do without harming yourself. Ice cream isn't a necessity but it is okay to do nice things for your spouse.
I want to just say I really feel for you. You are in a very difficult situation. Addiction aside, as long as you have the same values and are both comfortable with the roles, that is all that matters. I'm independent and a career woman but truly appreciate being with a gentleman who respects that I can do it myself if necessary but wants take care of me anyway.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I've struggled with many things through my own recovery but with time and much meditation, those things I feel conflicted about seem to resolve.
A big part of the difference in enabling vs healthy interaction is the balance of it. My husband does kind and loving things for me all the time. I do the same for him. There is balance. If one of us was "giving" and the other was simply "taking", I would say enabling is likely taking place.
gentle hugs
ke
A big part of the difference in enabling vs healthy interaction is the balance of it. My husband does kind and loving things for me all the time. I do the same for him. There is balance. If one of us was "giving" and the other was simply "taking", I would say enabling is likely taking place.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
It is sweet that you open the car door for her, that you don’t mind running out to get the ice cream. Helping and doing for others does not make you an enabler, or codependent IMO. Obviously she can do these things, but it really only becomes an issue if it is troubling one of you. I think codependency is more deeply rooted in the thought process. Where, your self-esteem is wrapped up in doing for others in an overly helpful way, or controlling others in a more abusive way. If you are comfortable, happy, content in your actions, and your partner also feels comfortable and respected also, then I think your both ok.
Enabling to me, is most important when your talking about an addict in active addiction. If you enable, then you suffer the effects of the addict’s behavior rather than the addict. Enabling removes the natural consequences to the addict of his or her behavior. But if your wife is in recovery and not using, then how can you possibly enable her addiction?
The concept I followed during my husband’s recovery has been more a shift towards enabling his recovery. Supporting in healthy ways, recognizing, and having a positive response to new positive behaviors… recovery is then reinforced subtly. This also allows you to stay true to yourself, its only an act of being expressive to your partner.
However you slice up marriage, I don’t think it usually comes out 50/50 in terms of specific finances, roles or tasks. To me its more about each person putting in 100% of what they have to offer, and as a whole the relationship is a 50/50 partnership where strengths and weaknesses between the two people are balanced. Give and Take. After my husbands addiction issues, we started marriage counseling, and one thing that was helpful to me, was learning about Interdependency within a marriage. Its about developing that balance between two people; where you are both equal individuals, but yet partners in the marriage. Its about feeling safe within the marriage knowing you can grow and change, and still be accepted. About being able to care and nurture the other person without fear, about creating a synergy that allows you to work on goals together. Addiction issues messed a lot of this up for us, but actively focusing on how we interact, and recognizing things that are holding us back in some way have helped us work through a lot of it this past year. (things like fear, lack of trust). A lot of the marriage books I have read talk about this topic, and some have exercises and things in them. Some of them are sort of fun, especially when you work on them together.
Enabling to me, is most important when your talking about an addict in active addiction. If you enable, then you suffer the effects of the addict’s behavior rather than the addict. Enabling removes the natural consequences to the addict of his or her behavior. But if your wife is in recovery and not using, then how can you possibly enable her addiction?
The concept I followed during my husband’s recovery has been more a shift towards enabling his recovery. Supporting in healthy ways, recognizing, and having a positive response to new positive behaviors… recovery is then reinforced subtly. This also allows you to stay true to yourself, its only an act of being expressive to your partner.
However you slice up marriage, I don’t think it usually comes out 50/50 in terms of specific finances, roles or tasks. To me its more about each person putting in 100% of what they have to offer, and as a whole the relationship is a 50/50 partnership where strengths and weaknesses between the two people are balanced. Give and Take. After my husbands addiction issues, we started marriage counseling, and one thing that was helpful to me, was learning about Interdependency within a marriage. Its about developing that balance between two people; where you are both equal individuals, but yet partners in the marriage. Its about feeling safe within the marriage knowing you can grow and change, and still be accepted. About being able to care and nurture the other person without fear, about creating a synergy that allows you to work on goals together. Addiction issues messed a lot of this up for us, but actively focusing on how we interact, and recognizing things that are holding us back in some way have helped us work through a lot of it this past year. (things like fear, lack of trust). A lot of the marriage books I have read talk about this topic, and some have exercises and things in them. Some of them are sort of fun, especially when you work on them together.
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