wicked

This is the bottom line right here.
Keep your SD away from the suicidal alcoholic.
I think her mother has waived any "rights" she MAY have had as a mother long ago.
Support your SD as you have been doing. (an excellent job!)

You will be there when her "mother" dies. and it sounds like it might be soon.
Your SD should not have to spend one more minute of her life watching her "mother" kill herself.

Keep strong NikNox.

Beth

NikNox

Thank you Sasha, I think we have too. God knows it was so very difficult for us to invite her into our lives, after years of complete and utter hell from her. But, you put the children first don't you, so we had to do what we thought was right at the time. Having her in our home was awful, stinking of booze, trying to be polite to her when all I wanted to do was wring her scrawny neck and scream at her! On Mother's Day this year we met up with her for lunch, with her friend (aka 'bank') in a restaurant and she had the audacity to drink wine in front of SD!! I was absolutely fuming, as was my husband and SD but we didn't say anything because we didn't want to cause a public scene, but needless to say it upset SD greatly, and all the way home in the car she was spitting mad. To put this child through anymore of these sorts of emotions is just wrong. She doesn't want to see her mother, she's told us that many times, but because we think she'll die soon we have practically forced her to. Well, no more. Enough is enough, for all of us.

NikNox

Absolutely Beth, couldn't have said it better myself! I know some people prefer not to see loved ones (ahem) dying because they want to remember them as they were, but sadly SD doesn't really have any nice memories of her mum to remember fondly, and there certainly aren't any future memories to come that could be nice. Pulling the plug now is the only way forward. She has chosen her path, and we have chosen ours.

fruitymarzipan

I couldnt agree more with Beth, you sound like a lovely person and I am praying for you and your sd. Just for informative purposes, regarding her take home drugs from hospital (TTA's or TTO's we usually call them) I am a Registered staff Nurse in a UK hospital. Usually when a patient is discharged the discharge summary and pharmacy sheet are completed by the FY1 (houseofficer / teams most junior doctor) these guys are overworked and frazzeled and 9 times out of 10 I end up handing the sheet back to them and pointing out that they have missed a drug or 2 off or made some mistake. Scary right, but it happens all the time every day. There is no way if she has been in on a pabrinex / vitk regime & medical detox they would send her home without librium, diazepam etc. ESPECIALLY if they think shes going to die anyway. If they think this then it really wouldnt matter if she abused them, they would want to ease her pain and pathway to the end. I would bet its been an oversight. Its now Sunday afternoon so you wont get any joy now calling the ward etc as the hospital pharmacy will now be closed, she can get them from her GP tomorrow.
Love & Blessings to you and your sd. xx

NikNox

Thanks Fruity. I too work for the NHS (GP surgery) & she wasn't taken in for medical detox, but to give her Thiamine via drip & Vit K to clot her blood due to thrombocytopenia. But, whilst she was in there they would have had to treat her for withdrawal. Plus, medical detox usually means a 2 week stay & she was discharged after a week. She was told she cannot ever drink again, not even a sip because if she did she would be straight back in & would die. When I looked at her discharge meds I just assumed they would have given her Diazepam to help with the remainder of withdrawal, especially as it was a Friday evening. But, we know now that she's drinking again so maybe they just didn't see that she had any commitment to quitting so didn't bother. Who knows! We won't be able to find anything out from the hospital because we don't have permission. I do know a couple of doctors who work there & thought, briefly, about asking them to do some digging, but I could lose my job, as could they so I haven't. One things for sure though - she's killing herself.

suki44883

That's the gist of it, right there. She has the right to drink herself to death, but you also have the right not to sit and watch.

I hope your dear stepdaughter is able to get past all this and be a healthy young woman. She is lucky to have you and her father there for support.

Maylie

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this horribly stressful time in your lives. It is truly heartbreaking to watch someone wither away and basically kill themselves, especially when you are watching the person's child go through the huge range of emotions that come along with it.

One thing is for certain, your step daughter is SO fortunate to have you in her life. Her mother has basically checked out, and the fact that she has such a dedicated, compassionate, strong, and loving step mother is so important/amazing.

When dealing with addiction, it is impossible to know what the right thing to do is. Hindsight is 20/20 and all we can do is do what we believe is right at the time. I think the fact that you tried to get along with your stepdaughter's mother makes you an angel, even though in the long run it turned out not to make matters better. You did what anyone would do, try to do what is best for your stepdaughter and no one can fault you for thinking that it is important to try to have memories with someone who will most likely die in the near future.

Now that you realize that your stepdaughter having a relationship with her mother is not a positive thing, it is great that you all sat down and determined what the best course of action for the future would be. Since your step daughter is 14, communication is key. She is old enough to understand what is going on, and she is old enough to make decisions about what kind of relationship she wants with her mother.

Since it appears the end is near, it is great that you have gotten professional help for your stepdaughter. I am not sure if she goes to a counselor regularly, but it might be a good idea to find her a good counselor now so that she can start working through different feelings she has now before her mother dies this way when it occurs, she has someone she trusts and the foundation will already be there to help her not only prepare for the event but for how to handle the aftermath in a healthy way.

Keep up the great work and doing what you feel is best. Your step daughter is SO lucky to have you!

NikNox

Thank you Maylie. You're right, hindsight is 20/20, and we are learning that the life of an alcoholic is an ever changing one, so what we thought was right then, we know isn't right now. Perhaps deciding not to have any contact for a while will prove wrong in time to come, but we can only go on how we feel in the here and now. We are still shocked at the sight of her because to see anyone, least of all someone you know, looking so very sick just isn't nice.

We decided to extend an olive branch to her 'friend' (her friend is a rather large man who, to be honest, isn't quite the full ticket. Don't get me wrong, his heart is in the right place and he's pleasant enough, but there's something missing. He believes that he can 'save' her, and hasn't taken kindly to me speaking negatively about her. For example, when he told us on Saturday, the day after discharge from hospital, that everything is going to be okay because she said she hadn't drank anything (although he'd been at work all day) I pointed out that she is an accomplised liar and that he shouldn't take what she says at face value. I offered our support too as we've been dealing with the situation for 11 years. He was cross and asked me not to bother contacting him if I couldn't be positive about her) but sadly that's not worked because he is very much blinkered by his love for her (he is besotted). Apparently on Sunday he was bathing her (she cannot do it for herself) and another alcoholic friend of hers arrived and questioned what he was doing (not surprising really), and then gave her a kitten!!! Poor little thing. Anyway, this friend told him to 'get lost' so he did, and I would guess that once he was gone they started drinking. I kind of feel sorry for him, but don't at the same time. He won't listen and he will end up being destroyed by her just as she destroys everything else in her life.

Actually, typing all that has reiterated to me even more that no contact is most definitely the right thing, for now anyway.

Thank you.