Dry Drunk
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
That is what I called them, little floaties in my periphery vision, it was temporary and I remember being told by hospital staff to let them know if it got worse. (inpatient rehab)
They didn't get worse. I will have to look up why they happen.
Common? I do not know. 2 of the people in my rotation of rehab knew what I was talking about (out of 12 people).
Al Anon is a wonderful thing.
You seem to have a great ability to look at yourself objectively, and that is fantastic.
(and not take yourself too seriously, which is key to getting through for me)
They didn't get worse. I will have to look up why they happen.
Common? I do not know. 2 of the people in my rotation of rehab knew what I was talking about (out of 12 people).
Al Anon is a wonderful thing.
You seem to have a great ability to look at yourself objectively, and that is fantastic.
(and not take yourself too seriously, which is key to getting through for me)
Even he gets fed up and gives me a disapproving meow then takes himself off out! Lol!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Yeah, huh, I'd definitely give Al Anon another chance --
If you find the meetings sad, that's okay. It is hard to hear the stories other people have gone through and be reminded of our own situation sometimes...
But if it is a healthy meeting, meaning that it's full of people (at least some!) who are working the steps and taking the program to heart and LIVING it, then you will also hear stories of hope and strength.
In one of the Al Anon workbooks about Step 4 (taking a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves) it says that our willingness to seek help is one of our greatest character assets.
You are doing that, so you have a lot going for you!
I totally relate to what you said about: Why isn't he caring for me the way I care for him.
I recently realized what a set up for failure I was putting my husband in because here I am with some SEVERE codependent tendencies to nurture and mother and dote on and tend to and care for...far beyond what a healthy marriage would involve....and I'm comparing his actions TO ME!?
Like there was no way he could compete with my level, ya know?
Another codependent - now that would be a fair comparison.
But to expect the level of care from my husband and to compare his actions of caring for me and loving on me in the same way that I do for it for him? Totally unfair and set up for failure.
But I've come to see that all my loving and caring was actually OVER loving and OVER caring and was not actually HELPING either one of us.
It was keeping him in his disease and strengthening mine too.
I cried for long time when I realized how codependent I am...and how every single one of my intimate relationships has been infected by my codependency.
Super humbling.
But!! It's when he hit our own bottom -- that we start seeking the help we need and that DOES involve some humility.
Al Anon has been supporting me through it and it really does keep getting better and better.
I just kicked my husband out of the house a couple of nights ago and I cried that night and then that was it.
WHAT!?
Like before I would have cried for days and days and days about it and just stayed in a funk.
Al Anon is helping me shorten the period of time that I spend suffering.
And that I even TOLD him he had to leave was a result of the understanding and strength I've found in myself through going to Al Anon.
So those who have suggested that it's time for you to focus on you, I'm on board with them too.
Healing is a time where we have to pay attention to ourselves.
He is paying attention to himself and you have an opportunity to pay attention to yourself now too.
Let us know how it goes if you get back to a meeting! And try other meetings in your area if you don't feel like you jive with the first one you go to.
If you find the meetings sad, that's okay. It is hard to hear the stories other people have gone through and be reminded of our own situation sometimes...
But if it is a healthy meeting, meaning that it's full of people (at least some!) who are working the steps and taking the program to heart and LIVING it, then you will also hear stories of hope and strength.
In one of the Al Anon workbooks about Step 4 (taking a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves) it says that our willingness to seek help is one of our greatest character assets.
You are doing that, so you have a lot going for you!
I totally relate to what you said about: Why isn't he caring for me the way I care for him.
I recently realized what a set up for failure I was putting my husband in because here I am with some SEVERE codependent tendencies to nurture and mother and dote on and tend to and care for...far beyond what a healthy marriage would involve....and I'm comparing his actions TO ME!?
Like there was no way he could compete with my level, ya know?
Another codependent - now that would be a fair comparison.
But to expect the level of care from my husband and to compare his actions of caring for me and loving on me in the same way that I do for it for him? Totally unfair and set up for failure.
But I've come to see that all my loving and caring was actually OVER loving and OVER caring and was not actually HELPING either one of us.
It was keeping him in his disease and strengthening mine too.
I cried for long time when I realized how codependent I am...and how every single one of my intimate relationships has been infected by my codependency.
Super humbling.
But!! It's when he hit our own bottom -- that we start seeking the help we need and that DOES involve some humility.
Al Anon has been supporting me through it and it really does keep getting better and better.
I just kicked my husband out of the house a couple of nights ago and I cried that night and then that was it.
WHAT!?
Like before I would have cried for days and days and days about it and just stayed in a funk.
Al Anon is helping me shorten the period of time that I spend suffering.
And that I even TOLD him he had to leave was a result of the understanding and strength I've found in myself through going to Al Anon.
So those who have suggested that it's time for you to focus on you, I'm on board with them too.
Healing is a time where we have to pay attention to ourselves.
He is paying attention to himself and you have an opportunity to pay attention to yourself now too.
Let us know how it goes if you get back to a meeting! And try other meetings in your area if you don't feel like you jive with the first one you go to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
Originally Posted by shinebright7 
But to expect the level of care from my husband and to compare his actions of caring for me and loving on me in the same way that I do for it for him? Totally unfair and set up for failure.
But I've come to see that all my loving and caring was actually OVER loving and OVER caring and was not actually HELPING either one of us.
It was keeping him in his disease and strengthening mine too.
But I've come to see that all my loving and caring was actually OVER loving and OVER caring and was not actually HELPING either one of us.
It was keeping him in his disease and strengthening mine too.
Interesting. I started this post thinking he's the dry drunk and an a** and I'm now thinking that its actually me that needs to sort it out!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Just checked out the website for the book, "The 5 Languages of Love"
Home | The 5 Love LanguagesŪ
The website describes the five languages and there is also a test to take that will rank what makes you feel loved. I took the test and was surprised by my results!
The Five Languages are:
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
I was surprised by my own score, actually.
Home | The 5 Love LanguagesŪ
The website describes the five languages and there is also a test to take that will rank what makes you feel loved. I took the test and was surprised by my results!
The Five Languages are:
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
I was surprised by my own score, actually.
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