never made it to church today cuz im a codie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
never made it to church today cuz im a codie
i just want to scream. why am i so dependent on him. its like insane that i keep doing this. i know whats right. but i do the opposite ....
our neighbors invited us to their church (they asked my husband, and he asked me) i was so looking forward to it... and i think he was too.... and i even had the kids excited about sunday school.
so this morning i got up made breakfast, took a shower, and attempted to find something appropriate for each kid (they dont have alot of dress stuff and shoes)
and i had to get them motivated. my oldest took her shower, and i asked my husband for help getting the other two in the bath while i ironed the dresses... well i guess not in those nice words, but i am getting tired of him just sleeping, sitting and watching tv and going to meetings. I need help and I deserve help and the kids deserve a father.
instead they got a screaming mother and a father who said he cant do the baths he would give them showers and they didnt want showers. i think its an excuse just to get out of helping .
im pissed.
because we all got ready for nothing.
once he decided he wasnt going i wasnt going. (kinda sounds like him with his brothers party lol)
I just wasted all that energy fighting and yelling at him for not helping me with anything around here when i could have used it for taking the kids to church.
im worn out now.
the kids listen to him better in church and i know if i took them and went alone, it would be me asking them to sit down or stop playing or going to the bathroom 20 times... when i want to hear what they are saying. so whats the sense of going when i wouldve gotten nothing out of it.
I dont think I can rely on him for anything right now. any of the parenting. i asked him for help last week and he was way too harsh with my daughter theres no happy medium hes either too strict or not parenting at all.
he is currently sleeping on the couch downstairs. and i wrote a note to my neighbor and leftit in their door that i want to come next week for sure..
if i have to do this myself i have to accept that, so to make it easier i will have them take showers the night before and get their clothes ready the night before.
i couldve done that last night but this really takes alot of energy out of me when i have to do everything myself. even more now that hes here and not helping because being frustrated and angry wastes energy too. it was easier when he wasnt here because i wasnt esxpecting him to help me i just had to do it. so i guess i will act like he isnt here and that im a single mom. what kind of life is this. God help me thats what I wanted today
our neighbors invited us to their church (they asked my husband, and he asked me) i was so looking forward to it... and i think he was too.... and i even had the kids excited about sunday school.
so this morning i got up made breakfast, took a shower, and attempted to find something appropriate for each kid (they dont have alot of dress stuff and shoes)
and i had to get them motivated. my oldest took her shower, and i asked my husband for help getting the other two in the bath while i ironed the dresses... well i guess not in those nice words, but i am getting tired of him just sleeping, sitting and watching tv and going to meetings. I need help and I deserve help and the kids deserve a father.
instead they got a screaming mother and a father who said he cant do the baths he would give them showers and they didnt want showers. i think its an excuse just to get out of helping .
im pissed.
because we all got ready for nothing.
once he decided he wasnt going i wasnt going. (kinda sounds like him with his brothers party lol)
I just wasted all that energy fighting and yelling at him for not helping me with anything around here when i could have used it for taking the kids to church.
im worn out now.
the kids listen to him better in church and i know if i took them and went alone, it would be me asking them to sit down or stop playing or going to the bathroom 20 times... when i want to hear what they are saying. so whats the sense of going when i wouldve gotten nothing out of it.
I dont think I can rely on him for anything right now. any of the parenting. i asked him for help last week and he was way too harsh with my daughter theres no happy medium hes either too strict or not parenting at all.
he is currently sleeping on the couch downstairs. and i wrote a note to my neighbor and leftit in their door that i want to come next week for sure..
if i have to do this myself i have to accept that, so to make it easier i will have them take showers the night before and get their clothes ready the night before.
i couldve done that last night but this really takes alot of energy out of me when i have to do everything myself. even more now that hes here and not helping because being frustrated and angry wastes energy too. it was easier when he wasnt here because i wasnt esxpecting him to help me i just had to do it. so i guess i will act like he isnt here and that im a single mom. what kind of life is this. God help me thats what I wanted today
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry this didn't work out today and I like your plan to be more prepared next week.
You can't count on him to help, but you can count on yourself to get you and your children there.
I too get frustrated and angry when I have worked hard for a plan and it fizzles. Good idea planning ahead. Hope it is wonderful next week.
Hugs
You can't count on him to help, but you can count on yourself to get you and your children there.
I too get frustrated and angry when I have worked hard for a plan and it fizzles. Good idea planning ahead. Hope it is wonderful next week.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Remember drops? To high expectations. Don't expect anything from him. You can't control any situatation. You gave away your peace again. next time plan to go but get up earlier, give urself time to get all the kids ready and go without him.
Take your time. Now the kids will associate church with this crazy morning you had. Try it again next Sunday. don't even invite him. If he sees he's not invited , he may just want to go. Breathe drops!
Let it go. Move past it and learn. Be calm and happy for your children, teach them that their lives don't depend on anothers behavior or they will learn from you and start modeling after you when they don't get their way. It's all about us trying to control. It doesn't work Drops!! All we can control is our own selves.
Take your time. Now the kids will associate church with this crazy morning you had. Try it again next Sunday. don't even invite him. If he sees he's not invited , he may just want to go. Breathe drops!
Let it go. Move past it and learn. Be calm and happy for your children, teach them that their lives don't depend on anothers behavior or they will learn from you and start modeling after you when they don't get their way. It's all about us trying to control. It doesn't work Drops!! All we can control is our own selves.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Drops, this comes from The Big Book of AA. You will learn all this if you go to Al anon meetings. You will learn to be free from your co dependency.
I deleted the word alcoholic so you could see yourself as this applys to many people in life whether alcoholic or not. However this most certainly applys to the alcoholic in IMO.
Excerpts printed with permission of AA World Services,inc
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion.
Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.
In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self- sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying.
What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, Above everything, we must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid.
Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
-------
This is what the 12 steps are all about for me, getting to the root of my troubles, Not just putting down the drink and drugs. deek
I deleted the word alcoholic so you could see yourself as this applys to many people in life whether alcoholic or not. However this most certainly applys to the alcoholic in IMO.
Excerpts printed with permission of AA World Services,inc
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion.
Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.
In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self- sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying.
What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, Above everything, we must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid.
Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
-------
This is what the 12 steps are all about for me, getting to the root of my troubles, Not just putting down the drink and drugs. deek
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I feel blessed because my current church is very casual so it eliminated all the hassles of finding the "appropriate" clothing. I like it that way now especially after growing up with a more formal dress 'requirement." My pastor encourages the come as you, the doors are open to everyone attitude. Our congregation consists of the homeless to doctors, with all being equally valued.
I remember the mornings when no one wanted to go. I finally just said OK and got myself ready. Ha, they would all be in the car waiting for me. lol.
Secretly, sometimes I would have just preferred to go alone.
I remember the mornings when no one wanted to go. I finally just said OK and got myself ready. Ha, they would all be in the car waiting for me. lol.
Secretly, sometimes I would have just preferred to go alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
Mstrust, drops is short for my user name, took me a minute to figure that out too lol...
I do understand that me being angry at him has more to do with my issues than with him being lazy and unsupportive, I AM selfish.I admit that.
I take the 12 steps as a way of life that I want to live. anyone can benefit from the steps I believe in all parts of life.
Im only on step 1 again... I used to go years ago but stopped so he could do his meetings and I would do everythingelse with the kids... I need to go to a few more alanon meetings and see if I can feel comfortable with someone and then ask if theyll be my sponsor. and work the steps ALL THE WAY this time, and take my recovery seriously, no Im not a drug addict or an alcoholic but Im codependent and need to start taking care of me.
Im selfish because I want things to be easy. I want my husband to make things easier for me by straightening out and helping me raise the kids in a healthy way. and I want him to do it the way I think he should. not in a harsh way, not in a non existent lazy way either.
I dont want to have to fight for every little thing every step of the way.
I want my kids to listen to me and do something when I ask the first time.
I realize I cant control anyone I am being unrealistic and I do know this will not just happen especially if I try to force it.
Unfortunately I do believe that my children have already been affected by my behavior over time. I am hoping that by dilliigently working the steps and having faith in my higher power that they will see a change in me and learn a different way of dealing with life on lifes terms.
I kick myself. I know what Im doing. Ive seen this my whole life yet im sucked into the circle,. My dad died when I was 9 and he and my mom had a healthy relationship I never ever heard them fight or anything like that.
After he died, we spent alot of time around my moms side of the family. she had 3 sisters and they were all married to alcoholics. I would get so frustrated with the things ive seen and I would say why doesnt she JUST LEAVE ? why doesnt she just TAKE THE KIDS AND LEAVE.... I couldnt understand it. and here i sit!!
I want to be the one in my family to break this cycle.I dont want my kids to grow up having these problems because of my choices... so Im digging in to start this process on myself.. some days will be better than others but Ill keep on swimming
I do understand that me being angry at him has more to do with my issues than with him being lazy and unsupportive, I AM selfish.I admit that.
I take the 12 steps as a way of life that I want to live. anyone can benefit from the steps I believe in all parts of life.
Im only on step 1 again... I used to go years ago but stopped so he could do his meetings and I would do everythingelse with the kids... I need to go to a few more alanon meetings and see if I can feel comfortable with someone and then ask if theyll be my sponsor. and work the steps ALL THE WAY this time, and take my recovery seriously, no Im not a drug addict or an alcoholic but Im codependent and need to start taking care of me.
Im selfish because I want things to be easy. I want my husband to make things easier for me by straightening out and helping me raise the kids in a healthy way. and I want him to do it the way I think he should. not in a harsh way, not in a non existent lazy way either.
I dont want to have to fight for every little thing every step of the way.
I want my kids to listen to me and do something when I ask the first time.
I realize I cant control anyone I am being unrealistic and I do know this will not just happen especially if I try to force it.
Unfortunately I do believe that my children have already been affected by my behavior over time. I am hoping that by dilliigently working the steps and having faith in my higher power that they will see a change in me and learn a different way of dealing with life on lifes terms.
I kick myself. I know what Im doing. Ive seen this my whole life yet im sucked into the circle,. My dad died when I was 9 and he and my mom had a healthy relationship I never ever heard them fight or anything like that.
After he died, we spent alot of time around my moms side of the family. she had 3 sisters and they were all married to alcoholics. I would get so frustrated with the things ive seen and I would say why doesnt she JUST LEAVE ? why doesnt she just TAKE THE KIDS AND LEAVE.... I couldnt understand it. and here i sit!!
I want to be the one in my family to break this cycle.I dont want my kids to grow up having these problems because of my choices... so Im digging in to start this process on myself.. some days will be better than others but Ill keep on swimming
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
Lily Im so glad Im not the only one lol. I feel so insane at times. while i was having my insanity yesterday trying to get everyone ready and motivated, I really felt insane when I pictured us finally at church ( crazy lady at home, to get to church and have a sigh of relief but then laugh at myself for what it took to get there) yeah....
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