Pebbles128

I haven't posted in a long time but have been reading daily. My pregnant daughter is doing well in a methadone program. She is due to deliver next month but baby has a heart defect that will require open heart surgery within 4 months. It is a genetic condition not caused by drug use but the stigma of drug use has family members still blaming her...that's a whole other story..

My EXAH (divorced him 30 years ago) has a daughter 28 yrs old (was a stepdaughter but he adopted her). Her name is Mary. Her A-Mom passed away about 6 yrs ago due to a doctors mistake during surgery. She had a chaotic life growing up in that family, eventually turned to drugs & for the past several years has been estranged from her family. She has 3 children all living with their fathers.

Last week she overdosed on heroin I don't have many details but I do know she aspirated on her vomit. She was in a coma for a few days & suffered brain damage.

Ex-family is not interested in becoming involved in her care. One of my sons seems to think he needs to step up & become her guardian since his father has more or less signed off on any responsibility for the daughter. I feel this situation is way too much for my son, although he is 32, to handle. Serious decisions must be made & she does have older family members - aunts, uncles from her moms side.

Anyway...on the way back from my daughter's doctor appt., we stopped by her hospital & visited with Mary. She is now off the ventilator & breathing on her own but she can't speak/communicate & has barely any control of her body. It was very sad to see a once vibrant girl in this condition. I think she recognized us & did shed a few tears when she saw my daughters belly. Don't know if they were happy tears, tears for her own children...I just don't know. We just talked to her & stroked her hair & face. I did tickle her foot & it seemed as though she tried to smile but I'm not sure. She will look you in the eyes & try to speak but it is nothing we can understand. I don't know if she realizes we can't understand her but if she does, it must be so frustrating for her. Her nurse did tell me she can follow simple commands but they are not sure if she can understand exactly what people are saying to her. Who knows what the future will bring? Maybe she can come back from this...but I'm sure it will be much harder without any support from her immediate family. Just a sad, sad situation.

Ann

I am so sorry this happened and will keep this girl in my prayers.

Before any decisions are made, I think they will need to assess how much damage has been done and what her life and care may encompass.

It is awful how addiction affects entire families, all who love the one who cannot love themselves.

Hugs

Kindeyes

There's a lot going on in your life right now. How are you doing through all of this? Life has bunched up some challenges to handle emotionally. Lots to process. One day at a time....it's all any of us can do.

You, your daughter, that little baby, and Mary will all be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

anond

I've been through this situation with my ex AH, who overdosed on opiates, alcohol and cocaine last June. He has been left with permanent deficits and will need nursing home care.

You get torn between wanting to help someone who so desperately needs help, to wanting to take care of yourself, to questioning why the consequences of their choices should become your consequences.

There is no right or wrong answer as to what we decide to do. My prayers are with your son as he makes this decision. Perhaps he can help coordinate her care, without providing hands on care???

Sunshine2

An old school friend of mine visited for 3 days this week. I haven't seen her in 30+ years. She is in a wheelchair because of severe rheumatoid arthritis and can do very little for herself. I looked after her while she was here and all I can say is that it is a LOT of work looking after someone with disabilities. I did it with love as she is very dear to me, but I have new found respect for anyone who does this on a long term basis.

I cannot blame her family for not wanting to take on her care. Families pay such a price with addiction already and I think anyone wanting to take on her care must think about the implications very carefully. I agree, it is a sad, sad situation. The price addiction charges is far too high.

laurie6781

Sending 'healing thoughts andn prayers for Mary.'

I do believe your son will find his way. Sounds like 'responsibility' for her will involve getting SSI for her total disability and finding a decent Nursing Home for her. With her condition the way it is, I doubt that her Drs would suggest taking her into one's own home.

Smiles about the new grand baby coming soon!!!!!

Sending hope and prayers for your whole family!!!!

Love and hugs,

Pebbles128

LOL...you got that right! Between working 2 jobs, neglected husband, driving all over the world, car accident, etc. etc.. This baby is coming VERY soon & I don't think my daughter really understands what's coming...the baby will be considered in heart failure until he has his open heart surgery to hopefully correct the condition. I said she is doing well on methadone (not using other drugs) but to ME that is just a band aid...I OF COURSE don't think she is doing anything to work on HER recovery. Showing up to a methadone clinic daily & have a 1 hour group session 1x per week at the clinic is not MY idea of working towards recovery. She & the baby can't come up here to "the middle of nowhere" (her words) because they need to be close to the hospital where she is in a program for addicted pregnant moms & the baby will have the best possible care at Boston Children's Hospital. She does know that she can come here anytime after the baby is stabilized but she will have to taper off the methadone because my state does not have transportation. (She now gets a daily ride to/fro to clinic). But being off methadone & not in recovery in the middle of nowhere with a critically ill newborn does not seem like the best idea IMO.

But this post was more regarding Mary & her uncertain future. My son has a lot going on in his life right now & feeling like he MUST take over control of Mary's care and make decisions...rehab, nursing home, etc. I think would be too overwhelming for him at this point. My other older son, although concerned about Mary, does not feel the need to get involved. I do think my son MIGHT be a LITTLE like me......in thinking it's his responsibility to save the world, including his sister Mary. Even coordinating her care is a huge responsibility. He is away this weekend for work but we have talked and he knows how I feel. Since the doctors are so unsure of what damage has been done...perhaps when they have more information he will realize that although he can be there for her...she will need much more care than he can give. She does have pneumonia (although I didn't see any signs of it...but I'm not a doctor) From what I saw...she is in for a long, long road of...??? who knows...maybe some sort of recovery. Just so hard to see someone you know in such a state all due to drug addiction.

I'd say I'm overwhelmed, tired & neglecting my own self care but I've been buried in snow for the past few months. Meetings of all types are too few & far from my area. Online meetings do help. Hopefully spring will come to my world soon (with a new set of problems) but sunshine always seems to help & I can get outside & work in my gardens.

Thank you for all your replies...much appreciated.