Lost and confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Lost and confused
I just found out my live in boyfriend has been using heroin off and on for 2 years. We have a daughter. I am so angry and hurt by all the lying. I feel so blind and stupid it has taken me this long to find out. I'm not sure where to go from here.
We talked about it last night and he said he had already stopped and had t used for 2 weeks. I told him if he lied again I would leave. I questioned him further and he said he said he had lied and used on Sunday. And begged me not to leave. I'm not sure if the honesty (I really have no idea if he is even being honest about this because we have zero trust) is a good sign or not.
We talked about it last night and he said he had already stopped and had t used for 2 weeks. I told him if he lied again I would leave. I questioned him further and he said he said he had lied and used on Sunday. And begged me not to leave. I'm not sure if the honesty (I really have no idea if he is even being honest about this because we have zero trust) is a good sign or not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hi Sophia,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. So sorry for what you are going through but very glad you found the forum. It's been a life saver to me and many others here.
Check out the sticky posts at the top of the forum, and read as much as you can on the forum. You'll find lots of information along with the experience, strength and hope that people here have to share. There is so much wisdom here and also amazing to have the support of many that have walked in our shoes.
You aren't stupid or blind, it's just not a situation that any of us could have anticipated. Nobody expects a heroin addiction, right?
Others will be along to give you their wisdom.
Peace,
Hanna
Welcome to Sober Recovery. So sorry for what you are going through but very glad you found the forum. It's been a life saver to me and many others here.
Check out the sticky posts at the top of the forum, and read as much as you can on the forum. You'll find lots of information along with the experience, strength and hope that people here have to share. There is so much wisdom here and also amazing to have the support of many that have walked in our shoes.
You aren't stupid or blind, it's just not a situation that any of us could have anticipated. Nobody expects a heroin addiction, right?
Others will be along to give you their wisdom.
Peace,
Hanna
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Sophia, welcome to SR. I am the mom of a 23 yr old RAS who's drug of choice was heroin. Like you, I was unaware of his addiction for probably a year. When I found out about it I was shocked and could not believe I had no clue about it. Even after I was made aware, I was very naieve about addiction and particularly about heroin. I thought all it took was a few days in detox and everything would be alright. Boy was I wrong. Addicts are very good at hiding their addiction. It's was only when his life began to come undone did I see how serious all this was. There was plenty of lying, stealing, lost days at work, trouble with the law and his whole appearance became alarming. There were many times he had me convinced he wasn't using when he actually was. Even during an outpatient program he was going to he was using. He went to inpatient rehab for two months and within days he was using. It took another stint in rehab and moving into a sober living for him to get clean. Even now it is hard for me to trust him after being clean for almost a year. Read the sticky about what addicts do and listen to the members of SR. They have great wisdom. Educate yourself about addiction and especially heroin. But most of all take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Sophia, I am a Mom of a 23 year old Heroin addict and we have been dealing with this horrible beast just over 3 years. I won't go through my entire story (too long LOL), but experience has taught me to never believe ANYTHING my son says. He has lied for so long even he doesn't know what is true and not. I will say I am beginning to see the behaviors and personality changes (reflecting back) as to when my son was "ON" versus "OFF". That is the first thing, dont' pay any attention to the words, pay FULL attention to the actions! Addicts are amazing liars who can make you believe its raining while you are putting sunscreen on (no really!).
Keep reading here and many many more will come to support you.
Welcome!
Teresa
Keep reading here and many many more will come to support you.
Welcome!
Teresa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
He doesn't want us to leave but he said he understands if we do. He said he can quit. Apparently he has gone on and off frequently and I had no idea (awesome). He said he wasnt using when we lived away from where we live now. He said he wants to move away from here again. I think it's not a good idea considering present circumstances. He said I could test him. Do they sell OTC opiate testing kits? I don't want to live like this but I would like to know if he could be honest with me even if it's brief..
When I asked why he did it. He said he hates himself and that makes me very sad. He used before we met and said he never thought he would have this kind of life ( meaning his own family, etc). I am the adult child of a recovering addict and I know my dad has relapsed once in 10 years and has been doing well since that relapse so I know it can be done. I want to support him because I love him and I love our daughter, but I don't want to enable him. I just don't know how to help him.
When I asked why he did it. He said he hates himself and that makes me very sad. He used before we met and said he never thought he would have this kind of life ( meaning his own family, etc). I am the adult child of a recovering addict and I know my dad has relapsed once in 10 years and has been doing well since that relapse so I know it can be done. I want to support him because I love him and I love our daughter, but I don't want to enable him. I just don't know how to help him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
In my opinion, getting involved in testing an adult partner is a path that leads to insanity.
This is your partner, and testing would be taking on the role of a parent or parole officer. It's not good for either of you.
My attitude is, take some time to learn about addiction and make a plan later. no need to make any major decisions today (as long as you and your little one are physically safe.)
Learn what you need to do to help yourself, which is all many of us believe we can do to help them.
This is your partner, and testing would be taking on the role of a parent or parole officer. It's not good for either of you.
My attitude is, take some time to learn about addiction and make a plan later. no need to make any major decisions today (as long as you and your little one are physically safe.)
Learn what you need to do to help yourself, which is all many of us believe we can do to help them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
My husband is in recovery. He was a long time user…And you know what with this on again off again, heroin ain’t that easy to put down.
I have a question does he take pain pills at all?
Also have you see a kick? If he quit he would have been sick. How bad hard to tell, age, and how long one used, how big a habit, how good the heroin, cause heroin purity depends on location and if they kicked before all play a part in what the kick will be like. The thing with opiates is every time you kick the next kick is worse cause your brain doesn’t forget the last time and is looking for a way to get the user to give in … the kick is an incentive to use, not stop.
I wouldn’t drug test but that is just me, even with him willing. I find it degrading in most cases and it doesn’t tend to remove the constant questioning of did they use, maybe they didn’t use.…Most family members still torture themselves with that even with a clean test.
There are ways around the test and you can still be using an opiate/opiod, they don‘t test for all classes of opiates, there are ways around the wd, there are ways around everything.
And the lying, well the addiction will be protected at all cost. Don’t take it personal because it isn’t.
Helping, in normal terms when thinking of that word, to help has the total opposite effect. I would suggest though number one most important get help and support for you. We all tend to come to places like this looking for ways to help them, to find who we needed to help was us. And in all reality if the family gets healthy, it gives the addicts a way better chance. Educate yourself on enabling, on codependency…See him as capable, because he is. You work your side, as the family member of an addict, leave him to work his.
Take good care of YOU!
I have a question does he take pain pills at all?
Also have you see a kick? If he quit he would have been sick. How bad hard to tell, age, and how long one used, how big a habit, how good the heroin, cause heroin purity depends on location and if they kicked before all play a part in what the kick will be like. The thing with opiates is every time you kick the next kick is worse cause your brain doesn’t forget the last time and is looking for a way to get the user to give in … the kick is an incentive to use, not stop.
I wouldn’t drug test but that is just me, even with him willing. I find it degrading in most cases and it doesn’t tend to remove the constant questioning of did they use, maybe they didn’t use.…Most family members still torture themselves with that even with a clean test.
There are ways around the test and you can still be using an opiate/opiod, they don‘t test for all classes of opiates, there are ways around the wd, there are ways around everything.
And the lying, well the addiction will be protected at all cost. Don’t take it personal because it isn’t.
Helping, in normal terms when thinking of that word, to help has the total opposite effect. I would suggest though number one most important get help and support for you. We all tend to come to places like this looking for ways to help them, to find who we needed to help was us. And in all reality if the family gets healthy, it gives the addicts a way better chance. Educate yourself on enabling, on codependency…See him as capable, because he is. You work your side, as the family member of an addict, leave him to work his.
Take good care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Sophia)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
FWIW, I'm both a recovering crack addict and a recovering codependent (codie) who has/had many loved ones who use/drink. I've been on BOTH sides of the addiction fence, and TBH, the codie side is far harder.
I understand you want to support him, but in all honesty, the support he needs is from other RA's (recovering addicts/alcoholics). You don't know what it's like to need something to numb you, and it's not a shortcoming, it is just what it is.
For me, I turned to drugs in order to "deal" with the A in my life. Definitely the dumbest move I've ever made. I wish I had found SR back then.
I hope you keep reading and posting. You and your daughter deserve a life without having to wonder if he's used, if he's lying, etc. It CAN be done, but he has to step up to the plate and show, with his actions, whether he's truly in recovery. Does he work? Does he support you guys? Can you depend on him to do what he says he's going to do, when he says he's going to do it?
These are obstacles I had to overcome in recovery, and I'm blessed to say that I can answer "YES!!" to all of them. If he can't, well maybe you need to think about that.
The great folks here have helped me to realize that what *I* want and need is important, too. You have a precious daughter in the picture, and her needs/wants are important to.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I'm both a recovering crack addict and a recovering codependent (codie) who has/had many loved ones who use/drink. I've been on BOTH sides of the addiction fence, and TBH, the codie side is far harder.
I understand you want to support him, but in all honesty, the support he needs is from other RA's (recovering addicts/alcoholics). You don't know what it's like to need something to numb you, and it's not a shortcoming, it is just what it is.
For me, I turned to drugs in order to "deal" with the A in my life. Definitely the dumbest move I've ever made. I wish I had found SR back then.
I hope you keep reading and posting. You and your daughter deserve a life without having to wonder if he's used, if he's lying, etc. It CAN be done, but he has to step up to the plate and show, with his actions, whether he's truly in recovery. Does he work? Does he support you guys? Can you depend on him to do what he says he's going to do, when he says he's going to do it?
These are obstacles I had to overcome in recovery, and I'm blessed to say that I can answer "YES!!" to all of them. If he can't, well maybe you need to think about that.
The great folks here have helped me to realize that what *I* want and need is important, too. You have a precious daughter in the picture, and her needs/wants are important to.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Sophia, I agree with Hanna's opinion on this. My son was randomly drug tested when he went to outpatient. But guess what, when I ripped his room apart while he was at rehab, I found a bag of what was apparently clean urine. So sorry to be so graphic but this could be something you could be up against.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hi Sophia, just had to laugh. I also found the "bag" of clean urine GROSS!
Amy and Inciting have given good advice. LEARN first everything you can about addiction (heroin is a bi&ch) and also what you can do to establish boundaries. Your child is more precious than anything, please protect her. If your boyfriend wants to get clean, the best thing for him is rehab (inpatient if you can find it) and then YOU get help with sites like SR and meetings like Alanon or Naranon. You are not alone and we are all here to support you
TT
Amy and Inciting have given good advice. LEARN first everything you can about addiction (heroin is a bi&ch) and also what you can do to establish boundaries. Your child is more precious than anything, please protect her. If your boyfriend wants to get clean, the best thing for him is rehab (inpatient if you can find it) and then YOU get help with sites like SR and meetings like Alanon or Naranon. You are not alone and we are all here to support you
TT
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Hi Sophia. When my AS was living with us I too found a water bottle of "clean urine." My husband and I ve never found out IF or when there were any times of our son not using and it's been at least 7 years. Keep reading, keep posting. I also found a local Al-Anon group of other parents to be a lifesaver.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The thing with opiates is every time you kick the next kick is worse cause your brain doesn’t forget the last time and is looking for a way to get the user to give in … the kick is an incentive to use, not stop.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
I know he has synthetic urine. I knew he smoked pot. I know the test wouldn't give any peace of mind. Yes he works. He carries the insurance on our daughter. I found subaxone in his laundry and he said he was taking it to stop. This was on Saturday. And I know he used Sunday because he told me and he said it was the last time he had used since we talked last night. He is frequently nauseous. All day Tuesday and Wednesday he complained of his legs aching.
I am so hurt and angry I feel like I might explode.
He said he is glad I found out.
I am so hurt and angry I feel like I might explode.
He said he is glad I found out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
LMN
This isn’t the easiest of things to explain, but I think I told you before how the drug rewires the brain so that instead of seeking out food, water, shelter, companionship, sex as a means to survive, you seek heroin, heroin, heroin, heroin, heroin….it is all about pain and pleasure.
When you use your dopamine receptors instead of sending out one little shot of dopamine as it would responding to normal cues, like sex or eating a great meal or a piece of cake it sends 100 times the amount…..after time that one sac of receptors can’t keep up and it makes another and now you need more drug to feel the same effects….tolerance. But you also now have more screaming for the drugs….this goes on and on and on the longer you use…
Now with a relapse this is the reason why they go right back to where they left off, because with time not using many of the sacs will calm down and stop screaming but once you reintroduce the drug you fire all of them back up instantly… and then if you continue to use you make new sacs … They never go away, they just go more dormant when not using but will always be there.
And all of this is rewiring, using, relapsing, all set some point, and you have to compete not only to not use, but not be drawn back in through triggers that are just your brain screwing with you to get what it thinks it needs to survive, and be able to feel ok. More sacs more screaming, wd worse…
Sophia,
Sub is an awesome tool that can help, but it best used in treatment with a doctor. Readily available on the street is becomes more a get of wd free card….Can it help, using it without a doctor, sure but not usually.
Has he at all expressed an interest in seeking out some help? If you had to say anything I would encourage him to seek out help, an addiction specialist, a meeting, an online board like this one, anything that would help him start to help himself.
Remember he isn't using at you, don't take it personal!
This isn’t the easiest of things to explain, but I think I told you before how the drug rewires the brain so that instead of seeking out food, water, shelter, companionship, sex as a means to survive, you seek heroin, heroin, heroin, heroin, heroin….it is all about pain and pleasure.
When you use your dopamine receptors instead of sending out one little shot of dopamine as it would responding to normal cues, like sex or eating a great meal or a piece of cake it sends 100 times the amount…..after time that one sac of receptors can’t keep up and it makes another and now you need more drug to feel the same effects….tolerance. But you also now have more screaming for the drugs….this goes on and on and on the longer you use…
Now with a relapse this is the reason why they go right back to where they left off, because with time not using many of the sacs will calm down and stop screaming but once you reintroduce the drug you fire all of them back up instantly… and then if you continue to use you make new sacs … They never go away, they just go more dormant when not using but will always be there.
And all of this is rewiring, using, relapsing, all set some point, and you have to compete not only to not use, but not be drawn back in through triggers that are just your brain screwing with you to get what it thinks it needs to survive, and be able to feel ok. More sacs more screaming, wd worse…
Sophia,
Sub is an awesome tool that can help, but it best used in treatment with a doctor. Readily available on the street is becomes more a get of wd free card….Can it help, using it without a doctor, sure but not usually.
Has he at all expressed an interest in seeking out some help? If you had to say anything I would encourage him to seek out help, an addiction specialist, a meeting, an online board like this one, anything that would help him start to help himself.
Remember he isn't using at you, don't take it personal!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
