horriblethisis

I am ready to see my husband this weekend to talk. I am still so nervous that he will tell me everything I want to hear. He has been in recovery for 9 months. However, I do know that he has increased his NA meetings to at least 3 per week, and in another “group” program in addition to NA. Yes, I still love him. Although the lies and deception are what really tore us apart, I am wondering if I can trust again. Some days I have hope, and others I do not. I don’t feel like I am being blindsided, I really feel that he REALLY means it this time. He is so strong in his convictions and that he is working these programs for him and “us”. I truly believe he hit his bottom when I left him almost 7 weeks ago. Is it possible for us to have a life together? Is it possible that he can remain clean and sober…does it really happen for some people? Is it too early to tell? Am I just fooling myself? It's just that 25 years is so long to give up on someone...and the first 19 years were good...

shinebright7

Forgive me if you've talked about this and I have missed it -- are you working your own recovery program with the support of Al Anon or something similar?

For sure people can remain clean and sober -- there are many success stories out there.

Attend an open AA meeting and you'll hear both experiences: people who have been sober for over 30 years and people who relapse after any number of weeks, months, years of sobriety. No guarantees.

But what I'm coming to see is that it is true what they say in Al Anon -- that we can find happiness whether the alcoholic in our lives is drinking or not. Why? Because it's not about them. It's about us.

My husband is attending AA meetings. What does that mean? Heck if I know! I am not him and I don't know his commitment or interest in working the program. It is not my concern right now.

I am giving myself a lifeboat by going to Al Anon meetings every single day. It helps me!

I know couples where both parties are tending to their respective recoveries and they are making it work. I am inspired by these stories.

I know couples where only the Al Anon person is tending to their recovery and they say they are making it work that way. I don't see myself being able to live that life, but so far with my husband making an effort toward recovery I am not in that situation. If it comes to that and my husband is not willing to work his own recovery and attend meetings, then I will go from there, but at least I will have Al Anon supporting me and my own recovery program to guide me through that time if it comes.

My suggestion, if you're not doing it already, is to get into your own meetings and support and make use of them to the same extent your husband is...or to the extent that you wish he were.

It sounds like you and your husband will have a lot of trust to rebuild together. I got an Al Anon booklet called Living with Sobriety (a red one) and it's very helpful. Also I would suggest reading the chapter To Wives in the Big Book for AA and also the chapter called The Family Afterward (I think that's what it's called.)

Just because someone is sober does not mean everything is hunky dory and easy going from that moment forward. It's still a process from what I'm learning. xo

horriblethisis

Thank you so much SHINEBRIGHT. Yes, I am attending Naranon meetings and working my own recovery too.

EnglishGarden

I clicked on your username so I could follow your history, hts. It might be a good idea if you did that, too. Take a look at all the threads you started.

Then maybe make a list of "everything you want to hear."

And see if you can translate it all into addict-speak.

Example,

"I miss you so much, baby, can I move back in?" (In addict-speak, these words would have an entirely different motive and meaning than what's on the surface).

"I hit my bottom 7 weeks ago and I really am committed to recovery now."

"I am a changed man."

"I have had a spiritual awakening."

"I will do whatever you want from this point on."

"I am willing to go to marriage counseling with you."

"I haven't touched a drug or a drop of booze or gambled in 9 months."

"I'm sorry you had to kick me out 7 weeks ago. I deserved it, but now I'm different."

"It will kill me if I lose you."

We often say play the tape all the way through.

Do you want to live with him again....soon? Play that tape.

Do you want to go to marriage counseling with him? Play that tape.

Do you want to work your own independent recovery and stay separated? Play that tape.

No one can tell you what is best for you. But those of us here who have been married to addicts/alcoholics know from hard experience that it was during our pink cloud moments of hopefulness that we stepped right back on that merry-go-round. We believed everything the addict/alcoholic said, we believed he had "learned his lesson," and we believed that now that he was X weeks or months sober, he would be his old self.

Addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful. It is always looking for the easy way. Most addicts and most codependents do not take it as deadly seriously as they should. It works like an invisible poison. It is slow, it is sure.

If you have no counselor or sponsor with real experience with addiction,and if you have lived with an addict for several years without either of those kinds of support, then my feeling is that you are not in a good place to take care of yourself with sound thinking and rational judgement. You have lived with addiction for many years. It takes its toll on our ability to reason. It deceives us and we deceive ourselves.

Please be cautious.

tjp613

I don't see why you can't just live separately while you each do the necessary work. Didn't you sign an 18 month lease? What's the hurry?

In my experience people don't "change" that fast. Have you seen change within yourself? Change that you know is "real" and "lasting"? Or can you see that you might possibly slip into old behaviours quite easily?

I've been where you are. I think that you might possibly be more motivated by your discomfort in being alone that by the conviction that he "REALLY" means it this time. If your story goes anything like mine did, you'll be right back where you were within 2 weeks. At least don't give up your apartment and move all your stuff back in...keep that option open!!!

horriblethisis

I am not moving back, I am keeping my apartment. I am just going to see him once per week to take about progress. Is that not a good idea?

dasiydoc

I think if you want to work on your marriage then you need to see him. How will you even know of it is viable if you dont have contact? And it is only my opinion, but if he is working on his recovery, while there may still be problems between you, after the length of marriage you have had, and your saying most of it has been good, then he could use your support. It must be confusing for him also.

jerect

I agree with this!!!!! The first time I filed for a divorce with my ex, he went to rehab and started working on his recovery and I swiftly took him back because I was too afraid of being alone and uncomfortable.. Worst mistake I ever made!!

I'm not saying that this is your situation at all though.. I know that you are really striving to work on yourself and your recovery.. Do you go to alanon and if so do you have a sponsor.. If so, maybe talk with her about your dilemma before you break NC..

If you decide to break NC I would have some very very strong boundaries in place for myself first..maybe make those boundaries and write them out a few times before you initiate contact again.. you can always wait a few weeks before you make your decision of breaking NC..

tjp613

Only you can decide what is best for you, sweetie. I am glad to hear you are keeping your apartment so that you will still have your own space and time for quiet reflection.