pianogirl1193

I'm honestly really tempted right now to unblock my XABF on facebook so I can look at his page and see what is new with him. We have had absolutely NO contact since last wednesday. Over a week. At some points I feel good about it, and others (like tonight) I feel like I'm about to cave and email him (i really do not want to do this!!!) I know looking at his facebook would just hurt me and make me think more and more about him. Like, I know it's a really horrible idea. So i shouldn't do it! Easy, right? No!!! Why is this so hard? My brain knows what do do!

KLM

Don't do it!!! Look how far you've come only to start all over.
You've got this! You can do it!
You're on day 9? Make tomorrow day 10 not 1
Good luck!

pianogirl1193

You are right. It would only make me backtrack! I need to move foward not back!!! Ok I think I've got this!!! Thank you for your support and taking the time to reply!

Kindeyes

Ride the wave...the urge will pass. Try to find something to occupy your mind for a while....take a walk, go to a movie, etc. Breathe deep.....

gentle hugs
ke

EverHopeful721

Hang in there, pianogirl!! You are doing SO WELL and you're such an inspiration to all of us here at SR!! Stay strong - I'm here if you need to talk/vent to get yourself through!!

jerect

I agree with the others HANG IN THERE.. Don't let a few moments of weakness undo days of progress.. Take a walk, go to the gym, journal it out or PM someone on this board.. You can do this and when the feeling passes you will be much stronger for it...

pianogirl1193

Thank you all so much for your support. I cannot express my gratitude!!! I did survive lat night. another day of success! One day at a time... I love you all!!!!

story74

It has been a week. DON'T DO IT!!!!!!

horriblethisis

Don't do it! You are strong...

pianogirl1193

I am tempted again tonight (after another day of him not emailing me..which I know is good but it feels bad in a way). It has been over a week and that is crazy! Can't believe I've made it this long! I will keep going. Thanks for the support and encouragement!!!

jerect

Why isn't his email address blocked??? your only torturing yourself when you "look" for his emails... Block every form of communication from him, send those emails to spam so you don't even see them

pianogirl1193

I'm holding into the last possible form of communication. I can't fathom the idea of him not being able to contact me at all if he really wanted. It feels mean to me! I feel like email is pretty impersonal so even if we did email I don't think it would be as big of a deal. But I know that wouldn't be NC then. I know I'm being stubborn... I'm just so hesitant. I will consider it some more... Thank you jerect.

jerect

It's hard I know but just remember no contact means no new hurts.. An email is only going to suck you back into your relationship with him.. It's a portal for him to reach you and he knows that if he's consistent enough that eventually you will cave.. Be strong girl and block that last means of communication

pianogirl1193

Thanks jerect.
I'm actually on vacation now in CO for spring break, so it has been nice. Here til Wednesday, so it's just nice to get a break! However, something happened today. I do have his cell blocked but I got a call today from a number I didn't know. I answered like I usually would...it was HIM. I think it must've been from his home phone.

First of alll, I was just shocked. I haven't heard his voice in probably a month. Weird. He first asked why he couldn't get a hold of me on his cell? I just said bc I didn't think we needed to talk on the phone. He didn't seem upset..just surprised that I would do that. Then the main reason he called was to see if my parents still wanted a bed his parents were getting rid of. I had already told him a couple weeks back that we wouldn't be needing it... I told him again no, we don't. He said alright, that's all i needed, and we said bye.

It was short and civil. No meanness. But i was so upset after we hung up. First of all just sad hearing his voice. Second of all, he just seemed so "fine". I can't believe he's not missing me like I'm missing him!!! (although how would I know???) That's what most upsets me.
I have come to the conclusion that even if he is "moving on", I guarentee he still has feelings for me and misses me (even if I'm not all he thinks about). I'm not sure if that is conceited to think... lol I just don't understand how he COULDN'T miss me, at least a little. Just thinking that makes me feel better.
I'm trying to be realistic. He is still using (I guarantee it...) and he is not what I want, at least not at this point! When I take an honest look at the relationship, I really was not that happy! Sometimes i was, but often times I felt miserable! I so don't miss snooping on his phone and computer every time he slept over. There was no trust. Sometimes we had really good sex, but even that wasn't always amazing. WHAT am i missing? Honestly? The idea of what he "could be". That's the truth. I need to remember this.

Also, I realized I have so many more people on my "side" than he does. Not that there really are sides. That sounds bad. But basically, I have SO much support behind me (including everyone here!!!) I did the right thing, and i have many people backing me up on that. Knowing these things are helpful.

Thank you all for being amazing. I'm kind of bummed the NC was broken today..but I don't think it was my fault! so can I just keep going on my 11th or 12th day or whatever it is??? lol i don't want to start over!!!!

PS, SO glad I haven't unblocked him on FB!

zoso77

Know what a cottonmouth is?

It is a venomous snake, related to the rattlesnake. They have a threat display where they open their mouths and rear their head back. The lining of their mouths is white, hence their name. Basically, they're warning you: don't get too close, because if you do, I'll nail you and put you in a world of hurt.

When you think of people that can hurt you, think of a cottonmouth: don't approach them or get too close to them.

Best,
ZoSo

blackandblue

Hi Pianogirl- NC was the most difficult process. For me, I had to phase it out. Try to let go of the guilt or shame or regret around the recent slip. Try again. You have already had some success. Those feelings kept me in a continuous loop of going back to my ex when I knew better. What helped for me was every morning saying, "just for today, I will not contact him." Then when I felt the temptation I asked myself "what is my motivation/intention for having contact with him or checking up on him?" Then, "what slogan, step, prayer or tradition can I apply to this?" And finally, "have I prayed about it?"

I hope you find a healing mantra to remind yourself that you will get through this. When you are ready you will know and the gift of serenity is priceless. I have so much more emotional freedom which has allowed for a lot of healing, growth, and new opportunities. It was the "courage to know the difference" of what I could and could not change that finally resonated deep enough to keep me on my path moving forward without my AXBF. You know deep down inside what you need to do. So just keep digging deeper. You sound strong and brave. Courage will come.

chickady

Piano girl!! I know exactly how you are feeling!! Reading your posts sound so much like me as well!! I've been NC for 13 days now!! I do still have my moments of weakness... There's no way of me contacting him as I've completely deleted his number/email and do not remember either one!! I was gone on spring break in another country and just returned yesterday... We live in the same apartment complex which is a little awkward.... A couple weeks after breaking up he came into the gate w his roommate and they saw me and he got out of the car and came walking towards me... I froze... And said I have to go and left quickly... He then text me saying "that was immature." .... As if my fault hmm... He will drive by when my balcony door is open and blare his music... He's recently gotten a new car and I guess trying to "show it off..." GROW UP!! He's almost 27 does not pay his own rent and his parents continue to enable him and his pain pill addiction!

I think back at how miserable I became in the relationship with him too and that's what stops me from going back! Sometimes I miss him as my friend but what kind of friends lies and cheats on you! NC is the only option!

Good for you for being no contact too and do not worry about if he is missing you or not! The only thing he will EVER miss while he is in active addiction is that high he attempts to achieve every moment of every day!

chickady

Also reading about a symptom of their disease, manipulation, has helped me greatly!!

5 Behaviors of Manipulative People | Work + Money - *****! Shine

When I read this article today I realized how he did every single one on the list!! He does this with everyone, not just myself!

pianogirl1193

Wow Zoso, thanks for the great analogy. Very true..... Keeping my distance is definitely the best thing for now.

Blackandblue, thank you SO much for this. That is a great idea. I really need to think these things through more...and pray! My mantra lately has been the part of the serenity prayer saying "trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will." I just love that. Thank you for responding.

Chickady, good job on going 13 days with NC!!! That is great.
I can relate to that 100%. I'm realizing that our relationship didn't usually even make me that happy. But i DO miss his friendship so much. But like you said, true friends don't lie...

Thank you all! i was successful today. Actually didn't think about him too much!!! Had a good day. They do exist! I just forget about them when the bad days come...