jzeb2008

I have decided that I will continue to post on this forum. This is as much for myself as is it for anyone else to express my pain, frustration, anger, confusion and resentment over this horrible family disease called "addiction".Just like I do in Al-Anon, I will take what I want and leave the rest.I made a decision yesterday afternoon, not to take anymore or make any calls to my husband and mother in law who he is living with for awhile. I have a few reasons behind in.He continually tells me at the end of a heated conversation not to keep calling. Everything that I do talk to him, he puts blame and HIS guilt on me for HIS actions. If I don't talk to him, he won't hurt my feelings and he may have the chance to look at his own behavior since I won't be there to own it for him. Every time that I talk to his mom,she says that she doesn't want to get in the middle, but baits me to say something about him (good or bad)gets me upset, she gets upset and when my husband returns there, she tells him that I upset her AGAIN. No more of that. He complains that I act crazy, immature and over emotional every time I call.If I don't call,then I'm not acting that way and proving him right. He called once yesterday and 3 times today. Much more than he's been calling since he's been gone. (He usually waits for me to call. The 3rd time, he left a message saying that I'm acting like "Little Miss Tough Girl "now, when I've been calling nonstop for 3 weeks. He huffed and puffed and hung up.I know that I didn't even have to listen to the message, but I did. He's probably not very happy since he had this plan in his head that he was going to come home tonight or tomorrow for a "trial run" at our marriage without doing ANYTHING to change and he hoped to put it all on me.I guess I soured his plans. Any one else tried "no contact"with the addict in their life?I did it with my father years ago before I understood anything about addiction or knew of Al-Anon, but he died of his addiction before seeking help. I don't want it to turn out like that for my husband (the love of my life).I know that I've only done this for a day and a half but this is quite unlike me.

shinebright7

I just did like 5 days of no voice contact with my husband and 3 days of no voice and no text.

I am SOOOO glad I did it. And stuck with it.

Last night I almost caved and contacted him. But I went to the chat room during my moment of weakness and talked to some of the friends in there. They helped me remember why I created the no contact boundary in the first place...

For me it was because I felt myself getting sicker and sicker the more we were in contact. Emotionally and physically. It was awful.

I had to do something for myself to help myself feel better. Distancing myself from my addict husband was the best option.

It gave me time to be out of that drama with him so I could just deal with what was on my plate in front of me. Believe me, I still had plenty of drama going on in my own mind to deal with -- I didn't need to be having more added to it from him.

So it was a gift to myself. And yes, there were times that I was feeling like AGHHH! This is hard and I want to call him and I miss him and all that. But I reached out for support in those times and did not pick up the phone.

It was an opportunity for me to show myself that I MATTERED TO MYSELF! I said I wanted time to be with myself an no contact with him. Can I give that to myself? I needed to show myself that I could. And if I need to do it again, I will -- and now I have the proof that I can do it because I've done it once so I can do it again.

It's like when I've done cleanses...the first couple of days are the hardest. Cravings for solid food can be pretty strong. But after that, you get over a hump and it's easier.

I'm proud of you for going no contact with your husband and his mom. Write down a list of WHY you want to go no contact. Why is it important to you that you don't talk to them right now? State it in the positive like: I want to feel good! I need time to think and take care of myself. Maybe some negatively stated ones too: I don't want to feel sucked into their drama.

Then when you are considering contacting them again or responding to one of their contacts, read your list again and remind yourself why you don't want to do it. Why it's important to you that you maintain no contact.

Remember my WHY was really important for me. It was about self-preservation and making sure that I did not keep getting sicker and sicker.

I didn't know what to expect with no contact going into it -- and I know people do it for much longer periods of time that I did, but even these few days that I gave myself were valuable and helpful and I feel so much more ready to receive my husband when he comes home tomorrow now.

pianogirl1193

I am glad you are continuing to post here. I am TRYING no contact with my XABF.... sooo hard. I definitely won't talk to him on the phone but I struggled with texting and emailing...now I have blocked him from texting or calling but he can still email me. It is so hard... like the hardest thing I've ever done. But it really has gotten easier with a little time. I have not interacted AT ALL for 4 days now....quite an accomplishment for me!!!
I think it's great that you are trying NC. I think it's really helpful for so many people. The reason I decided to finally do it was because every time we did talk (over text or anything), I would always end up hurt and sad all over again! After that happening about 4 times I decided I did not want to be hurt anymore, and I could prevent that. It really has done some great things for me.

Good, I'm glad you did! You are taking steps to change and that is awesome. Like they say, nothing changes if nothing changes! Keep up the good work...i like what shinebright said about writing down reasons you decided to do this for yourself. I really do believe this will be good for you. keep it up!

GardenMama

I am the mother of an addict, so I don't have relevant advice for your situation,but I just want to say I am glad you decided to stick around. I have had my feelings hurt a few times here, but when compared to the overall deluge of love & support I get most of the time, those little incidents seem insignificant now. Think of it like a community or a family--there are struggles, but if you are focused on a common goal (here, OUR recovery), things work out for the best. Take care. Hang in there with the NC. Trust your instincts as they relate to self-love and self-preservation.