not unique I'm sure, but still desperate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2
not unique I'm sure, but still desperate
My short story is that I'm currently "married" to a woman who has been battling drug and alcohol addiction since she was a teenager. In the 11 years we've been together, she has taken every pain reliever conceived. Her pain appears to me to be legitimate, and she has been formally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. But she also knows she can't take narcotics because she is simply unable to take them as prescribed. So we've done all the non-narcotic alternatives etc. to no avail.
Every 3 or 4 months it seems, she proclaims she can no longer tolerate the pain and needs a break. This invariably means a trip to the ER or narcotic prescription from her doctor. When she's "out" she is a total mess. Doesn't sleep, no motor skills, basically walking dead.
We've been through this together so many times I've grown used to it, but the episode we're going through now appears to be worse. I'm trying my best to remain firm, setting boundaries etc. So now she's saying she thinks we'd be better off without her and is contemplating suicide.
I'm too close now I think to separate the sincere stuff from the BS. I don't know what to do. For starters I'll be attending my first naranon meeting this week. But I'm stuck as to what to do with HER. I don't know how to throw her out, even if I wanted to. But I also don't know how to live with it any longer without going crazy myself, damaging our son psychologically, or losing what empathy I have for her. I feel like I'm losing my ability to care for her.
I have no friends to lean on. My family is unsympathetic. It's just me. HELP?
Every 3 or 4 months it seems, she proclaims she can no longer tolerate the pain and needs a break. This invariably means a trip to the ER or narcotic prescription from her doctor. When she's "out" she is a total mess. Doesn't sleep, no motor skills, basically walking dead.
We've been through this together so many times I've grown used to it, but the episode we're going through now appears to be worse. I'm trying my best to remain firm, setting boundaries etc. So now she's saying she thinks we'd be better off without her and is contemplating suicide.
I'm too close now I think to separate the sincere stuff from the BS. I don't know what to do. For starters I'll be attending my first naranon meeting this week. But I'm stuck as to what to do with HER. I don't know how to throw her out, even if I wanted to. But I also don't know how to live with it any longer without going crazy myself, damaging our son psychologically, or losing what empathy I have for her. I feel like I'm losing my ability to care for her.
I have no friends to lean on. My family is unsympathetic. It's just me. HELP?
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Welcome to SR... we can all relate..
Naranon is a great start!!!!!!! You will find much face to face support there as well as here..
There is not much you can do for your wife but you can take care of you and by doing so the answers will come..
Welcome and keep posting
Naranon is a great start!!!!!!! You will find much face to face support there as well as here..
There is not much you can do for your wife but you can take care of you and by doing so the answers will come..
Welcome and keep posting
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome, David.
A person with addictive disease, as you have discovered so painfully, is unable to control her use of narcotics and I think many would say that your addicted partner is in a continuous cycle of addictive thinking and behavior which is feeding her habit.
One of the problems with opiates in particular is that long-tem opiate use actually creates pain in its user. There is a book edited by Dr. Drew Pinsky which discusses this and other pill issues, the title is "When Painkillers Become Dangerous." When the drug addict starts screaming with "more pain", the family member feels he MUST get more meds to the addict. But it is all actually part of the addictive cycle, and the family member is playing his part as an enabler.
Maybe you could take a look at the book and also consider getting an appt. with an addictionologist--a medical doctor--to get more information about options for treatment. Your partner's goal is more drugs. That's the definition of addiction: the consuming goal in life for an addict is getting more drugs. So she is not sober. She has spells of abstinence then essentially binges on narcotics.
And if she talks of suicide, most here will suggest that you call 911 if you are unsure of her state of mind. Many addicts play the suicide card to invoke fear in the family member who is creating some kind of barrier to the drugs. Fear paralyzes the family member from setting boundaries regarding drug abuse and treatment. But since some addicts do attempt suicide (the cycle of addiction is one of intense highs and intense lows), it is best if you call 911 to have her taken to the ER if she seems out of control or has a plan. If she is using talk of suicide as a method of controlling you, then one trip to the ER will make her so angry she probably won't use that manipulation tactic again.
A 12-Step support group will give you an hour of sanity every week. An hour of feeling understood. If you can find a group you like, it could be a very important part of your own recovery. You have been living with an addict for many years and you are unaware of how distorted your thinking likely is on many counts. But we all think crazy when addiction is in the room.
If you go to the blue bar at the top of the page, select "Blogs" and then enter "Cynical One" (a forum member's username) you will find dozens of excellent articles on addiction and the family.
A person with addictive disease, as you have discovered so painfully, is unable to control her use of narcotics and I think many would say that your addicted partner is in a continuous cycle of addictive thinking and behavior which is feeding her habit.
One of the problems with opiates in particular is that long-tem opiate use actually creates pain in its user. There is a book edited by Dr. Drew Pinsky which discusses this and other pill issues, the title is "When Painkillers Become Dangerous." When the drug addict starts screaming with "more pain", the family member feels he MUST get more meds to the addict. But it is all actually part of the addictive cycle, and the family member is playing his part as an enabler.
Maybe you could take a look at the book and also consider getting an appt. with an addictionologist--a medical doctor--to get more information about options for treatment. Your partner's goal is more drugs. That's the definition of addiction: the consuming goal in life for an addict is getting more drugs. So she is not sober. She has spells of abstinence then essentially binges on narcotics.
And if she talks of suicide, most here will suggest that you call 911 if you are unsure of her state of mind. Many addicts play the suicide card to invoke fear in the family member who is creating some kind of barrier to the drugs. Fear paralyzes the family member from setting boundaries regarding drug abuse and treatment. But since some addicts do attempt suicide (the cycle of addiction is one of intense highs and intense lows), it is best if you call 911 to have her taken to the ER if she seems out of control or has a plan. If she is using talk of suicide as a method of controlling you, then one trip to the ER will make her so angry she probably won't use that manipulation tactic again.
A 12-Step support group will give you an hour of sanity every week. An hour of feeling understood. If you can find a group you like, it could be a very important part of your own recovery. You have been living with an addict for many years and you are unaware of how distorted your thinking likely is on many counts. But we all think crazy when addiction is in the room.
If you go to the blue bar at the top of the page, select "Blogs" and then enter "Cynical One" (a forum member's username) you will find dozens of excellent articles on addiction and the family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you very much for your response. Quite a bit of what you've said rings very true. She's worked some kind of program for 12 years now, but I've always known her sobriety date if fluid. I don't get too hung up on that myself, figuring one is either sober or they're not. How long is irrelevant.
I do think, at least for now, that she is playing the suicide card in order to help me co-sign her addiction. But it's a tricky thing that. How can one call such a bluff? Especially when that someone is my sons mother. I'm also not sure a trip to the ER will do much good as going to the ER is part of her addiction. She loves it!
It's this conundrum that is putting a hole in my stomach. I love her, I want my son to have a mother. But the game is exhausting on so many levels. Right now in fact, as I write this, she's not home. I don't know where she is. She *said* she was going to visit a friend who has lost a family member. The lie seemed very transparent to me. But what can I do?
I do feel sorry for her. Very much. Her mother and father did a real number on her when she was growing up. I can sympathize, but I can't really relate. I was never abused. I'm not addicted to anything, nor at any kind of risk. I have no immense pains in my life. It almost makes me feel guilty for being well adjusted. Perhaps that's why addicts seek their own. To commiserate with.
I will pick that book up ASAP. Hopefully it will help. I need to find some courage to make some tough decisions very soon. If anyone has any advice or personal experiences that may help, I'm definitely listening.
Finally, I'm looking forward to naralon. Would you happen to know if pre-teens are welcome at those meetings. I have no place to take my son while I'm gone, and I don't really want to leave him home alone right now. Any help there?
I do think, at least for now, that she is playing the suicide card in order to help me co-sign her addiction. But it's a tricky thing that. How can one call such a bluff? Especially when that someone is my sons mother. I'm also not sure a trip to the ER will do much good as going to the ER is part of her addiction. She loves it!
It's this conundrum that is putting a hole in my stomach. I love her, I want my son to have a mother. But the game is exhausting on so many levels. Right now in fact, as I write this, she's not home. I don't know where she is. She *said* she was going to visit a friend who has lost a family member. The lie seemed very transparent to me. But what can I do?
I do feel sorry for her. Very much. Her mother and father did a real number on her when she was growing up. I can sympathize, but I can't really relate. I was never abused. I'm not addicted to anything, nor at any kind of risk. I have no immense pains in my life. It almost makes me feel guilty for being well adjusted. Perhaps that's why addicts seek their own. To commiserate with.
I will pick that book up ASAP. Hopefully it will help. I need to find some courage to make some tough decisions very soon. If anyone has any advice or personal experiences that may help, I'm definitely listening.
Finally, I'm looking forward to naralon. Would you happen to know if pre-teens are welcome at those meetings. I have no place to take my son while I'm gone, and I don't really want to leave him home alone right now. Any help there?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm sorry you're so isolated, David, without any support system in place. But that is often the outcome of the family of addiction--interaction with others fades away as life becomes more and more about the vortex of chaos that is the addict.
I have been in Al-Anon for many years and occasionally someone has brought a child into the room. Small children generally play with toys and pre-teen children generally sit quietly with the parent. In these groups, though, there can be deep emotion. There is always a box of tissue in the middle of the group, as someone often cries. There is deep grief, loving an addict, and the room is a place where someone can finally be with people who will accept and understand that grief. So if your child can be dropped off at a friend's house for an hour, that is the best choice for the child and also for those in the meeting who need to release their tears. Some Al-Anon meetings in larger cities offer babysitting during the meeting, so I hope perhaps you can find that sort of meeting where you live, it would be perfect for you. When my son was small, that's what I did. You might have less luck finding a Nar-Anon group that offers babysitting as there are far fewer Nar-Anon meetings generally available. Al-Anon will help you just as effectively--just mentally replace the word "alcoholic" with "addict" and it's all the same problem: powerlessness to stop a loved one's drinking or using.
Well, facing the psych team at the ER might be quite a different experience for your addict than her usual being "saved from pain with opiates" experience, so if you do call 911 for a suicide threat, I'd be prepared for some anger if she's conning you.
And you need a meeting, really, because she has got you under her control. Even your comment about her unhappy childhood...your compassion for her can really give her addiction a lot of fuel to go on, so to speak. The more you feel guilty about asking that she be a responsible adult, a trustworthy partner, and a safe mother to your child, the fewer boundaries you will keep and she will stay in control of the household and of you. So you've just got to stop it with the unhappy-childhood approach. She is an addict right now and she will be ruthless if she has to be to get her narcotics. You are going to have to grow some backbone. Meetings will help a lot.
I have been in Al-Anon for many years and occasionally someone has brought a child into the room. Small children generally play with toys and pre-teen children generally sit quietly with the parent. In these groups, though, there can be deep emotion. There is always a box of tissue in the middle of the group, as someone often cries. There is deep grief, loving an addict, and the room is a place where someone can finally be with people who will accept and understand that grief. So if your child can be dropped off at a friend's house for an hour, that is the best choice for the child and also for those in the meeting who need to release their tears. Some Al-Anon meetings in larger cities offer babysitting during the meeting, so I hope perhaps you can find that sort of meeting where you live, it would be perfect for you. When my son was small, that's what I did. You might have less luck finding a Nar-Anon group that offers babysitting as there are far fewer Nar-Anon meetings generally available. Al-Anon will help you just as effectively--just mentally replace the word "alcoholic" with "addict" and it's all the same problem: powerlessness to stop a loved one's drinking or using.
Well, facing the psych team at the ER might be quite a different experience for your addict than her usual being "saved from pain with opiates" experience, so if you do call 911 for a suicide threat, I'd be prepared for some anger if she's conning you.
And you need a meeting, really, because she has got you under her control. Even your comment about her unhappy childhood...your compassion for her can really give her addiction a lot of fuel to go on, so to speak. The more you feel guilty about asking that she be a responsible adult, a trustworthy partner, and a safe mother to your child, the fewer boundaries you will keep and she will stay in control of the household and of you. So you've just got to stop it with the unhappy-childhood approach. She is an addict right now and she will be ruthless if she has to be to get her narcotics. You are going to have to grow some backbone. Meetings will help a lot.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 88
Hi David! I am sorry you are going through this, hopefully joining SR will make you feel less alone. This may or may not help you, but thought I would share my story just in case.
I am here because of my brother and how I handle my co-dependency, but there is probably a small part for myself so that I can stay aware about my own tendencies.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, interstitial cystitis, gastric problems, etc etc. I have battled this for the last 15 years. I was fully aware that addiction runs in my family and I also I knew how my own mind worked. SO, I count my lucky stars I cancelled my first appt with a pain management clinic 10 years ago as I am afraid I would be in the same boat as your wife. I managed to stay off all narcotics in my adventures by the skin of my teeth. I did notice alcohol creeping up on me, using that "I just need to escape the pain for a bit" excuse, but again I was lucky that I recognized the pattern before it got away from me.
After years of struggle I am doing better. I experimented with my diet (I eat what is now described as paleo), I used acupuncture and massage to cope with flare ups, I started practicing yoga on my own, added in walking and then hiking, and I tried to repair some of my negative thought patterns that may have caused all the physical stuff to manifest (family and parental issues along with the more recent discovery of co-dependency). It wasn't an overnight change, but step by step I crawled out of that hole and today I would say I function at about 80%. Flare ups no longer knock me out for a week but maybe a half day, the pain is manageable with ibuprofen on occasion or acupuncture when it gets really bad. Its been a bumpy experimental road and not always pretty, but I am so happy I kept trying and believing.
All that said, my brother was not so lucky. About 5 years ago he started experiencing a lot of similar problems that I had...the fibro stuff, fatigue, food intolerances (so is it genetic? emotional from the same upbringing? what?). He started changing his diet, BUT, he added in the narcotics too. Fast forward 3 plus years, he is now a heroin addict. He conned docs, urgent care centers, whatever he could but eventually he couldn't afford pain pills and moved over to heroin.
Its been very hard on me between my co-dependency and the fact I have some similar medical problems so can sympathize all too well with what he went through.
One thing that really frustrates me with his current state is that he tells everyone he is an addict all because of pain meds, docs, and his health problems. He seems to think the way he will recover from being an addict is just to control his physical pain without drugs. I know my brother and even before the fibro he had issues with substances. They might have been pot and alcohol and maybe a few other things, but he had problems controlling addictions LONG before prescription narcotics entered the picture. Fibro just gave him a new excuse. He has ALWAYS escaped his emotions. So as much as I want to feel bad for him and his medical condition, I have had to step back and let him figure out his path to FULL recovery. I hope he gets there one day.
I have found SR very helpful for me, I also sought out an individual addictions counselor which has helped me leaps and bounds.
I wish you the best David, thanks for joining!
I am here because of my brother and how I handle my co-dependency, but there is probably a small part for myself so that I can stay aware about my own tendencies.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, interstitial cystitis, gastric problems, etc etc. I have battled this for the last 15 years. I was fully aware that addiction runs in my family and I also I knew how my own mind worked. SO, I count my lucky stars I cancelled my first appt with a pain management clinic 10 years ago as I am afraid I would be in the same boat as your wife. I managed to stay off all narcotics in my adventures by the skin of my teeth. I did notice alcohol creeping up on me, using that "I just need to escape the pain for a bit" excuse, but again I was lucky that I recognized the pattern before it got away from me.
After years of struggle I am doing better. I experimented with my diet (I eat what is now described as paleo), I used acupuncture and massage to cope with flare ups, I started practicing yoga on my own, added in walking and then hiking, and I tried to repair some of my negative thought patterns that may have caused all the physical stuff to manifest (family and parental issues along with the more recent discovery of co-dependency). It wasn't an overnight change, but step by step I crawled out of that hole and today I would say I function at about 80%. Flare ups no longer knock me out for a week but maybe a half day, the pain is manageable with ibuprofen on occasion or acupuncture when it gets really bad. Its been a bumpy experimental road and not always pretty, but I am so happy I kept trying and believing.
All that said, my brother was not so lucky. About 5 years ago he started experiencing a lot of similar problems that I had...the fibro stuff, fatigue, food intolerances (so is it genetic? emotional from the same upbringing? what?). He started changing his diet, BUT, he added in the narcotics too. Fast forward 3 plus years, he is now a heroin addict. He conned docs, urgent care centers, whatever he could but eventually he couldn't afford pain pills and moved over to heroin.
Its been very hard on me between my co-dependency and the fact I have some similar medical problems so can sympathize all too well with what he went through.
One thing that really frustrates me with his current state is that he tells everyone he is an addict all because of pain meds, docs, and his health problems. He seems to think the way he will recover from being an addict is just to control his physical pain without drugs. I know my brother and even before the fibro he had issues with substances. They might have been pot and alcohol and maybe a few other things, but he had problems controlling addictions LONG before prescription narcotics entered the picture. Fibro just gave him a new excuse. He has ALWAYS escaped his emotions. So as much as I want to feel bad for him and his medical condition, I have had to step back and let him figure out his path to FULL recovery. I hope he gets there one day.
I have found SR very helpful for me, I also sought out an individual addictions counselor which has helped me leaps and bounds.
I wish you the best David, thanks for joining!
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